Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Visit to the Vault, by Russ

After being awoken by an attractive young lady, who is not my wife (she was ringing the doorbell, not nudging me), I was left to start the day a touch wild eyed. (I don't know who the lady was looking for, to my knowledge, the person has never lived here. However, she is the second person who has come here looking for this person.)

I waited until TV time was over to get the kids out and moving. Specifically, moving to the bank (with the promise of the library if they behaved). I had to hit the safety deposit box to review some paperwork therein.

So we arrive at the bank and I gain access to the vault (not nearly as impressive as it sounds). Mr. B starts quietly throwing his balls all over the vault and Miss L is removing all the little green markers from the keyholes of the boxes. Some bank teller is not going to be happy.

I let the kids run wild in the vault while I filter through the crap that the Wife and I deemed important. I managed to put my hands on my Life Insurance policy fairly quickly and copied down the needed info. Some notes on the application led me to believe that I have more policies. Policies that I could not find.

There I find myself with three piles of paperwork, My Stuff, Wife's Stuff, and Other. Mr. B decided that now is a great time to announce, "Me go Poopy!" (At least we are alone in the vault.) My first fear is that he was referring to poopy in the past tense. Since there was no green cloud about him, we were safe for the moment. Now, I have to pack up all the paperwork and lock up my box to take Mr. B to the toilet.

So we are wandering about the bank looking for the facilities. Mind you, this is a pretty small branch, it should not be hard to find it. After searching frantically for a few minutes, I enlisted the help of an employee.

It seems that, to dissuade rabble from coming in off the street, they have no public restrooms. I told the employee fine, but I have a three year old who just pulled me from the safety deposit box room to go poopy. (Yes, I said "poopy", I must be a Dad.) The employee took pity on me and told me where it was.

We get to the bathrooms and Mr. B bolts for the ladies room. Fortunately one of the tellers was leaving at the moment and was able to redirect him. Upon entering the mens room, we ensconced ourselves in the handicapped stall (more room for everybody). The toilet seat, per usual in a public facility, was the split kind. Mr. B had never sat on one of those before. Add to it that I didn't pack his children's toilet seat (with handy dandy splash guard!) and I was left to cantilever my son on the commode while my hand got to play the role of "splash guard".

Ahh, the shit they don't tell you about becoming a parent.

Speaking of shit, there was none. I got my hand pissed on for nothing.

Oh well, I was able to finish up in the vault and get the kids to the library.


CJ said...

Ahhh, the joys of parenting. My Little Man has recently started on the "I'm a man, therefore I should go to the men's room" argument. At only 4 years of age...not gonna happen! So, I've had to pull out the age card. Gender of the oldest person entering the restroom wins and since he's quite certain that Mommy is OLLLLLLLD, we end up in the Ladies room. :)

Russ said...

I'm sure you are not OLLLLLD! Just experienced!

Martini's Aren't For Breakfast Anymore said...

Ahhh...the human splash guard! I've been there a time or ten. I'm so glad my son can handled that on his own now!

Fun blog!


Russ said...

It is Brooke! I've just been too much of a slacker to post on it.

OneZenMom said...

I have a theory that my child's urgency to go "poopy" is directly proportional to the difficulty of getting to a restroom.

Russ said...

Zen, I'd have a hard time to disagree with you. Fortunately, we haven't had this pop up yet while driving. Yet.

Steph said...

Great post!! Was LOL at the end about being peed on. There isn't a parent in the world that doesn't get peed on at some point.

I will never forget the 1st time my husband took my daughter out and she had to poop. Hearing the story was priceless!!

Trooper Thorn said...

It's not really an outing until some kid was evacuated waste material on a parent.

Russ said...

Steph: Oh it wasn't the first time he has peed on me. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Trooper Thorn: So true, so true.

KiraAJ said...

ah the age of being pee'd on! LOL my husband fell out of the shower/bath tub while showering with my son then 3 yrs old decided to turn and aim at daddy and began peeing all up n down his leg my husband bout shit himself i heard aloud thud and lots of swearing and i walked into seeing my husband ass backwards on the bathroom floor red as a bloody tomato swearing that lil butt just pee'd on me!!! OOO the joys of parenting! :)

TentCamper said...

As an avid pee'er myself (mostly in the wind) I have to say that I have yet to be peed on (by a child)...I hope I did not just jinx myself.

Now, If you hadn't gotten a golden shower of the may not have had a great post for this blog...

Great post!!!

Not a soccer mom said...

well we all have our calling in life, not only are you a great dad!
But a remarkable splash guard too!

next time better go before leaving home

Russ said...

AJ: That sounds like a blog post in and of itself!

TentCamper: Oh, the boy enjoys peeing in the wind too! And I am more than happy to sacrifice myself for the sake of a blog post.

NASM: Thank you for your kind words. As to the going before leaving, my son has a hard head. If he doesn't want to go, it ain't gonna happen.

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