Monday, June 29, 2009

Ask Hot Dads

As men bestowed with vast knowledge we are pledged to share it with you. So we sit around the Hot Dads man cave, drinking beer, playing pool and answering your questions. It is grueling work, but we gladly do it for you. Because we care.

You guys have been sending in some great questions. Keep 'em coming!

Here is this week's Ask Hot Dads:

Willow Witch said...How can I ask/make sure my 16 year old son is emotionally doing OK? My 18 year old daughter says what’s on her mind, so I don’t wonder. I mean I ask but I feel like the nagging mom and I am afraid coming across like that will close more doors than open them. Their dad left us about six months ago for a co-worker and mother of 4, which he is spending time with and making a new family. He texts the kids maybe once a week and has only seen them maybe 8-9 times since he left, picking them up to go out to eat and then brings them home, I have told the kids to go with him when ever they want so to keep the door open... he does stop in where they work to say "hi" but doesn't offer to do activities or anything... I know this is hurting him, but I am afraid of pushing to hard.... As former boys and men what do you suggest?

Dadshouse says…Oh, tough question. First, sorry to hear about your situation. That's very tough. As for your son talking - as a former boy, I can vouch that teen boys often don't talk to their parents. I spilled my emotional junk to my girlfriend. Is your son dating? Anyway you can get close enough with his girlfriend, on a woman to woman level, to find out what's going on with your son? If your son plays sports, the coach might have some influence. Could you explain your situation to the coach and have him talk to your son?

Southern Sage says…Keep the lines open. Don't force him to talk and don't bring it up all the time but kinda hit it from the side. He will be ok. If he isn;t usually emotional then dont sweat it.

Daddy Geek Boy says…I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Teen times are tough enough without having extra stuff on top of it. You’re paying attention and concerned about his emotional well-being, so I think that puts you a giant step in the right direction. Don’t push too hard. Sometimes it’s tough for a guy to talk to his mom. That’s no slag against you, it’s just the way it is sometimes. I have the most open relationship with my mom and there was still stuff we didn’t talk about. Keep the lines of communication open as much as you can. He’ll talk about stuff when he’s ready. But also just watch him. What is he doing? Who is he hanging out with? Is his personality changing radically, or is he just a bit down? If it’s the latter, he’s probably doing okay as can be expected.

Hubman says…You can't do anything about the ex-husband and his relationship with your son. You're wondering if he's doing okay, emotionally. How is he doing in school? Any drop in his academic performance? Changes in behavior? If not, don't worry too much about it and keep letting him know that you're there for him and open to talking. Maybe a little quality mother/son time, without your daughter around, and give him the opportunity to open up to you, if he needs to.

As for the ass-hat ex, have you thought about taking out a contract on him? Seriously, what kind of dad abandons his kids?

Always Home and Uncool says...I'm sorry about your family situation. Not having ever had a situation remotely close to this in my life, my gut instinct is just pull your son aside in a quiet, non-confrontational setting and flat out ask him how he is, tell him it's OK to be upset with you, his dad and the whole mess, and ask if he wants to talk with you or someone else about what he's feeling. If he resists, just drop it but remind him you are always there for him. But before you take my advice, you might want to talk to a family counselor about your concerns and get a professional's opinion on how to handle this.

Why Mom Drinks Rum said...Porn. Does your wife support/enjoy/allow unlimited porn access? I'm talking one way on the screen only...not the interactive $6.99 a minute crap. For me, I personally don't care. I consider it a great tool (alone or in pairs) but I know alot of wives who think it's worse than head to Satan.

Dadshouse says…I'm divorced, and in between dating relationships. I avoid porn video like the plague! It just makes me frustrated that I'm not getting any. When I'm dating, I don't watch porn because I'm too busy getting laid. So, while I understand some folks enjoy porn, I just haven't found a reason for it in my life.

Southern Sage says…I don't know I never asked her! I would never watch such smut anyway! ;-)

Daddy Geek Boy says…I usually find that my wife has read my "Playboy" before I even know it's arrived. But let's face it, calling "Playboy" porn is like calling Candyland a video game. When it comes to the hard stuff, my wife knows I have it, she knows I watch it. But it’s strangely something we do not talk about. That said, I’m not keeping it a secret from her. If she wanted to know specifics, I’d share. If she wanted to watch, I'd show her. (By the way, do you really know people paying $6.99/minute for interactive porn? Those poor suckers.)

Hubman says…We both enjoy some porn now and then. In fact, just last week Veronica informed me that she recently downloaded 2 hrs worth of quality girl-girl porn and would I like to watch it? As long as we're not paying for it (and why should we, there's tons of free stuff out there on the interwebz!), it's not an issue in our house.

Always Home and Uncool says...In the scenario you pose, who is blowing Beelzebub? Is this available on Blu-Ray , pay-per-view or is it file share only? To your question: Moderation, my friend, moderation.

Jessica said...How do you prefer your women? The landing strip, bald, design etc.....?

Dadshouse says…Great question! I like the look of a landing strip, but have grown accustomed to bald down below. Smooth is key. Stubble is a turn off.

Southern Sage says…Any kinda way suits me, well any way except Chewbacca. I guess I'd say in the least you need to hit it with a bic every now and then. If you can braid it its time to go another route!! Who wants to lick Chewbacca?

Daddy Geek Boy says…Without question, landing strip. But honestly, when push comes to shove, whenever I've had the opportunity to get some in my life, it hasn't mattered as long as there wasn't anything too funky or any critters living down there.

Hubman says…First a serious child-rearing question and now a question on pussy-grooming preferences. Damn, I love our readers!

For the longest time Veronica had the landing strip look going, but then about 2 yrs ago surprised me when I came home from an extended business trip with a Brazilian waxing. I love the bald look and love how it feels even more. Not that there's anything wrong with a little hair down there...

Always Home and Uncool says...I prefer them first to be interested enough in me to even consider opening their sacred garden for viewing. If it gets to that point, if it is not long enough to be braided or cornrowed, I am just too in awe to care.

Not A Soccer Mom said...Is there a God? is she mad?

Dadshouse says…If the Jon and Kate Divorce any indication, God has a wicked sense of humor. Splitting up a family with 8 young kids? Come on....

Southern Sage says…Yes don't you watch the TV? He lives at the White House!

Daddy Geek Boy says…Only when I leave the dishes in the sink.

Hubman says…I think this one is way too deep for someone as shallow as me, even if I'm the step-son of an Episcopal Bishop. Let me ask him....

Not surprisingly, he says yes, there is a god. He also says that she is too forgiving to be mad at us. Disappointed at times, maybe. It's kind of like with our kids, we get mad at them at times, but don't stay that way for long, for a variety of reasons.

Always Home and Uncool says...If the answer to the first part is "yes," my guess is she's probably pissed someone's going down on the Devil and not her.

Jessica asked…What has been the most memorable moment since your fatherhood started? If not yours then how about your dad's, was there something you did that he won't forget?

Dadshouse says…My most memorable experiences have probably been watching my daughter play soccer. Her club team is really good, and hanging with the team parents has been a great social outlet for me as a single parent. If I pick one single moment? Having sex with my first post-divorce girlfriend. There was indescribable chemistry between us. (That moment stretched on for a year and a half) Memory with my kids - camping in Sequoia national park, and visiting Maui. Fun times!

Southern Sage says...Leaving me in the local jail for the night prolly would be something me and the dad won't forget. Every time my kids make the right decision or have a deep thought is what makes me smile the most.

Daddy Geek Boy says…Taking my son to the movies for the first time. Sharing something with him that I truly loved, and watching him have a great time. Would I have to give up my Hot Dad status if I said a tear came to my eye as I sat next to him in the theater? I know that it keeps my “geek boy” mantle in place.

Hubman says…Of course there is an entire mental library of memorable moments, including many of those cliché first step, first words, etc, moments. But I think the most memorable moment has to be moment my 'fatherhood' started! Being in the room when my wife gave birth to each of our kids was fantastic, awe-inspiring, and so humbling. Of course, since I was hoping to one day have sex with her again, I stayed by her side and declined the offer to watch the munchkins come out. I did cut both kids umbilical cords, though, which was really cool.

Always Home and Uncool says...When Thing 1 popped out, the docs asked me to cut the cord. I snipped and was greeted with a spray of blood all over me. It was then I realized that this was the mess I had created for myself.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Caption Contest, funny

Well I hope everyone is having a big ole weekend!

1. Sissy. Click to embiggen.

2. Surely this advertiser works for the government, thats how they do economics!

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend”.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer.





The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.

Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!

3. Thats just wrong!!!! (click to embiggen)

4. haaaaaaaaa hey I wrote that one book!

Caption contest! TC is outta town so someone else should have a shot!

You can hit up Sageville for another pic post! NSFW. Also check my new digs if you haven't Blogbunnie fixed me up proper.

Y'all have a big ole weekend!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Our Idealized Selves

My friends tell me that I’m much funnier in my blog than I am in real life. I wish I could disagree with them, but they’re kind of right. In real life, it’s usually the most obvious joke that pops to mind and unfortunately for those around me, I lack the impulse control not to say it. My cheesy sense of humor has become a thing of legend amongst my friends, who somehow still have the will to hang out with me.

On line though, I have control over what I say. As a writer I can fine tune what is said. Drinking a few beers before sitting down to the keyboard will yield even better results, though it makes typing a bit more challenging. I spend a lot of time editing and rewriting. I’ve probably taken five passes at this paragraph alone (so you can only imagine what my friends endure with “unfiltered DGB”). On line, I have the ability to be a slightly different version of myself.

These days, we live our lives on line. We blog. We tweet. We update our status. We present ourselves through words on a screen. But is the life we lead on line true? Or are we creating idealized versions of ourselves? My guess is that it’s the latter, which is why social media has become so prevalent. In these great big informational tubes, we project a carefully crafted image of ourselves for the world to see.

This being a parenting blog, logic dictates that the majority of us lurking about here have kids. If you think about it, having kids is similar to living on line. Stay with me on this. Kids, at least the young ones, idolize their parents. It doesn’t matter if the jokes are cheesy, or we burn the toast or we drop the ball during catch. Our kids, at least for a little while, see us as the idealized, perfect versions of ourselves. They think we are hilarious, great cooks and amazing athletes. They view us as the person we wish others would see.

Do you wear different personas in your life? If so, what are they and how are they different from your true self?


A family for me

There are few times where I have been envious of my married friends. I have been there, done that.

Twice. I am not in any hurry to do that again.

I think I have done rather well as a single father. In fact, I have no doubt that I am a much better father as a single parent than I ever was when I was married.

As a single father, I never walk on egg shells worried that I will upset or disappoint their mother, never worry about someone correcting my parental skills, never have my children see me argue with their mother like we did all too often when we were together, nor have they asked what I said or did to their mom when they see me in the morning sleeping on the couch.

I am certainly not a perfect parent. I have and will again get upset with my girls. When I do get upset, I tend to yell and there is no confusion that Dad is mad. However, after a few minutes, my girls and I are right back to our normal routine of being goofy together and having a good time.

They adore me and I them. I can’t even begin to describe how thankful and fortunate I am to have them in my life. I also can’t imagine that any of us could be any happier than we are now.

However, this afternoon while grabbing some groceries with my girls in tow, I saw something that made me wonder if my girls are being cheated by their mother and I no longer together.

Walking down an aisle in the store, a family of four crossed our path and I stopped and watched them interact with each other.

The father was pushing a cart with a toddler girl facing him firmly fastened in the seat. The two were cooing and cawing with each other with big grins on their faces. Nothing could distract the two of them as they were obviously having fun making funny noises and faces.

A few feet in front of the two, the mother was pointing out canned vegetables to her son who looked to be the same age as my kindergarten-age daughter. She was telling him the importance of eating healthy and he was asking questions about various kinds of vegetables.

After he picked out a couples cans, the mother grabbed them, turned around, and walked back to her husband and younger daughter at the cart. She placed them inside and then kissed both husband and daughter. She then gave them the sweetest, kindest smile as she walked back to the front with her son.

Seeing this, I could not help but wonder if my girls would ever know what a normal, healthy, loving relationship between two adults is about. I grew up with divorced parents and never saw either of them in a good relationship in the eight years that I went back and forth between the two.

I have to believe that has had a big effect on my own inability to make a marriage work. The last thing I want is my girls later in life to struggle over and over again in relationships like their parents.

Continuing to watch them, Savannah brought me back to my own family.

“Dad? What are you doing?”


“Why are you just standing there looking at them?”

“Sorry babe. I was just watching them. They look happy together.”

“Yep. But, not as happy we will be when get home and get in the pool. We are always happy when you go swimming with us.”

She grabbed my hand and we headed back to Shelby, Alani and our own cart of food that we would be cooking later with their older sister Kern. May not be the ideal family, but it is our family.

Savannah was right. When we do things like swim together, we are happy.

And, I don’t need to be married to their mother to do that.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Snake heads, heifers, and Carnaval

I thought I'd share just a few recent bits of the evidence I've been gathering that humanity is locked in a permanent mortal struggle with the Terrorists of Nature:

Heifer Runs for Her Life, and It’s Working So Far

Someone needs to EAT this slaughterhouse-escaping upstart immediately, raw and mooing if necessary, if only to send a message to all the other cows out there that resistance is futile-- they exist only to feed us, and if God didn't want them grown and harvested like so many tomato plants, he wouldn't have made them so Him-damned delicious.

Snake head in TGIFriday's broccoli

Can't wait for the "I told you so" to come out from George H.W. Bush. He had solid intel back in the '80s that Iranian terrorists were laying the groundwork to begin very slowly violating our broccoli supply with hundreds of snake heads over the course of thousands of years and billions of tons of florets. So this one is logically just the tip of a terrifyingly gross iceberg.

I'll tell you, though, I would probably be able to handle this kind of broccoli violation if only those bastards would be gentlemen enough to use the heads of the rare but delicious Cheddar Cheese Snake.

Brazilians avoid deadly reptiles in fleeing floods

This is like God's worst, most desperate, Fox-game-show kind of trial. Unbelievably rapid, record-breaking floods rife with man-eating, poisonous, and painfully irritating/horrendously creepy animals?!

Is hosting Carnaval really worth all that?! ...I'm receiving word that yes, yes it is.

Posted by LiteralDan

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Teenage Translations

For those of you with teenagers, you may experience conversations that make about as much sense as one between a Croatian immigrant and an unhatched osprey.

The important thing to remember is that teenagers rarely mean what they say. They are, unfortunately, too timid and selfish to express themselves openly. For instance:

"I hate you!"
What they really mean: I love you, but you are frustrating my every effort to make bad choices for myself.

'You have ruined my life!"
What they really mean: I'm afraid I'm going to lose all my friends if I don't do exactly what they want.

What they really mean: You are correct of course Mom and Dad, but I'm too stubborn to to admit it.

"Can I have some money?"
What they really mean: Can I have some money?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Neosporin Moms at the Playground

Have you seen that new Neosporin® commercial with three hot moms at the playground? (Not a men's playground, but the kiddie kind.) They're sitting on a bench, undoubtedly talking about Jon and Kate divorce news (I'm kidding), when a kid falls off a slide and yells out in pain. The moms immediately reach into their bags for the new Neosporin® product: Neo To Go! It's some sort of First Aid/Pain Relieving spray.

But wait - they don't just pull the product out. They spin it on their fingers like a gunfighter in the old west. Three hot moms ready to save the day!

To which I say: WTF? What happened to letting kids tough it out?

Don't get me wrong - if there's blood, chances are someone needs a bandage. If an arm gets broken, paramedics should be called.

But a scratch?

I'm guessing if those were three hot dads sitting on that park bench, undoubtedly talking about the best chicken marinade recipe, mai tai recipe, or maybe just waxing on about backyard sex (this time I'm not kidding), the men would have shrugged, told the kid to dust himself off, and the dads would have gotten back to the manly business of hanging out.

I realize women might perceive behavior like this to be uncaring. Please know, we dads care a lot. It's just that men are genetically predisposed to teach our offspring how to be tough. Even the most caring, loving father knows not to fawn over a bump or scrape at the playground.

It doesn't take a David Letterman joke about Sarah Palin for people to understand that men can be crass.

Is that so terrible? After all, every hot dad knows that crass rhymes with bad ass.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Ask Hot Dads

This week's Ask Hot Dads was a nice mix of questions....though...still none of you have submitted any questions that have been too difficult to answer. As we need to exercise our brains...we ask that you send in a few difficult, emotion envoking and personal that you can fully understand the powers stowed within our HOT craniums!!

(**For the next 3 weeks, please submit your questions to DaddyGeekBoy (at)

Shelle asked:
In your household/relationship/co-ownership with the person who your kids call mom--are you more the disciplinarian or the one that gives in cause you'd rather not deal with it? And why? (Yea that sounded like a beauty pageant question "and why?" Consider yourselves in the Mr. Hot Dads Pageant and just answer the question!!!)

TentCamper says: It is different in our household as I am the step dad, but I think that I am a bit stricter and tend to be more ‘rule oriented’ stern, but Mariah tends to dole out the punishments. It is fairly easy for the kids to pull the sweet little kid thing with her more than I…I have to try to balance that sometimes.

DadsHouse says: I'm more the disciplinarian, but I'm also more laid back. I draw a line, and if they stay on one side, all is good. If they cross it, watch out. "Why?" Because I'm a hot dad, that's why.

DaddyGeekBoy says: I’m standing here in my sash and Speedos. I’m shaved, waxed and prepped. I’ve got Vaseline on my teeth for a frictionless smile and I just did 100 push ups backstage. I’m ready for my moment in the spotlight.

WonderWife™ and I take turns with the good cop/bad cop routine. This way, it keeps the kids on their toes. But since my son is halfway through his threes and my wife is with him more, she ends up dolling out more discipline than I. However, we have both agreed that the threat of “Dad hearing about this when he comes home from work” can be powerful, so we keep that in our back pocket when the going gets rough.

SouthernSage says: I am the closer. Momma fights them all day so when I come in the door I am already taking my belt off. There is n doubt that one if not both deserve a tail whipping. I never ever give in. Ever. They can cry, puke, fart, wet themselves or otherwise, no matter. We practice the triple crown of punishment. We whip azz, then they go to time out, then by the time that is over I decide which of their things they will do without for the upcoming time period.

Hubman says: I'm more of the disciplinarian, though Veronica can be a hard-ass when she wants to. I think it comes down to me being more intolerant of the kids misbehaving or whatnot. Sometimes Veronica's patience isn't such a good thing.

LiteralDan says: Because I am the one at home with the kids all the time, I'd say I'm the disciplinarian of the two of us, but I wouldn't say either of us is consistently a soft touch. Our kids are just lucky that way.

Ashley asked:
#1-Everyone always asks what the biggest turn on for a man is, but what are some of the biggest turn-offs for you guys?

TentCamper says: Being unsanitary (obviously). Bickering and arguing over stupid shit, Controlling women and pompous people.

DadsHouse says: Too much talking after sex. Actually, any talking after sex.

DaddyGeekBoy says:
Mentally: Shallowness. Stupidity. Vapidness. Ignorance.
Emotionally: Somebody who’s cold.
Physically: Small boobs. Like really small. Like a Kate Hudson level of anti-boob.

SouthernSage says: Well I would say babbling, but if that turned me off then damn near everyone with a vagina installed would be a turn off!! ;-) I'd say simple mindedness. Chicks who dig things, not substance. Low self esteem.

Hubman says: Seriously, personality is everything. I love a woman who has a carefree attitude and a good sense of humor. Not long ago Veronica and I were at a gathering at a neighbors house, and another woman we didn't know previously was there. She was an attractive woman, physically, but between her apparent complete lack of a sense of humor and the sour look on her face that persisted for hours, I had absolutely no interest in interacting with her. What a miserable woman.

Another big turn-off is smoking- what a disgusting habit. Who'd want to kiss an ashtray? No thanks. [And this is coming from someone who smoked some in his youth...]

Oh, and granny panties are bad. Very, very bad.

LiteralDan says: Nagging, granny panties, and... well, I guess there probably really aren't all that many.

#2-What's your favorite little "Kid Wisdom" that your child/children have shared with you?

TentCamper says: “If you fall out of a tree…either keep trying til you get it right…or don’t climb trees.”

DadsHouse says: The best syrup at iHop is boysenberry.

DaddyGeekBoy says: The Bean has said: “At the airport, they make us take off our shoes to check for scary crabs in them.” Makes perfect sense to me.

SouthernSage says: Not a specific thing but their innocence amazes me. There is so much truth in it, they know right from wrong and will apply it to complex things and come up with the right stance.

Hubman says: Not too long ago, Darling Boy and I were relaxing in the yard after finishing some yard work. We were laying in the hammock and he insisted on having his shirt off, in all of his 8 yr old pale-skinned glory. I asked him why he wanted to have his shirt off and he replied "Dad, sometimes it's good to be half-nekkid!"

Any regular Thursday reader of my or Veronica's blogs will understand why I almost died laughing!

LiteralDan says: Probably, "Don't worry about it, Dad."

Barefoot Dreamer asked:
What is the deal with anal sex? why is it so intriguing to a guy? does it really feel that much better to you all, or is the fact that it seems a little off limits making it that much more appealing?

TentCamper says: I think it is a bit of both. I like it now and then. I don’t think it feels ‘better’ but it is different. Kind of like differing positions, blow jobs, etc. I think men might also like it cuz it is kind of an indicator that your woman is up for anything.

DadsHouse says: It doesn't feel better - it's actually a less sensual experience. But, it's taboo, so that makes it alluring.

DaddyGeekBoy says: It must be the taboo factor, cause from my perspective it doesn’t feel that different. Anal sex never even crossed my mind until my mid twenties, when a former girlfriend of mine literally demanded that I do it to her. (It later turned out that she was a few prawns short of a galaxy.) It’s not something I’ve had in a very long time and it’s not something I miss in the slightest.

SouthernSage says: The appeal for me is if she enjoys it. I'd do damn near anything she wanted. My pleasure comes from giving her pleasure. So if she wants anal, then she gets it. Whatever suits her suits me. Everytime I hollar Yeee Hawww is the same to me no matter what the route to get there is. So whatever street gets me to the destination suits me, so whatever she likes I'm all in for.

Hubman says: It's not that it feels better, more like it feels different, in a good way. And Veronica likes it too, so it's not like she's doing it just because I like it- the pleasure is mutual ;-)

So what about you, Barefoot Dreamer? Why do you like anal sex?

LiteralDan says: I'm pretty sure if the stodgy powers-that-be made a point of telling everyone often enough that you should never, ever fuck someone's ear, many of you ladies would start waking up some mornings with a penis gently stroking your lobes.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I Am Indeed A Violin

"She'll pull you out on the river - she's gussied up like sin,
You got jack all squat - you're a violin
And you're gonna get played until the money's all gone
Dearly beloved, the fix is on..."

- "The Fix Is On" by Peter Mulvey, from the album The Knuckleball Suite

Yes, it's true, no matter how much I try to deny it.

I am a violin.

How do I know this? My daughter is a master violinist, and doesn't really know it yet. She plays me like nobody can, I'm powerless to stop it. It's like I'm Superman (don't laugh, please) and she is like this three and a half foot tall, almost five-year old block of kryptonite that has legs and can wheedle better than God.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm almost ten times older than her, I'm bigger/stronger/faster than her. I am adult with a job and rent and I can vote and drink beer anytime I want and drive* anywhere anytime...yet, somehow I can't resist the force of nature that is my Wee Lass.

I could say its because I just can't stand to hear whining, in any way shape or form. Especially that dentist-drill-in-the-form-of-a-kids-voice that so many of the kiddies are able to inflict on the world**. I could say its because the little kids are cute-cuddly-the-future-of-the-humna-race-blah-blah-blah...I could even say its because I am just a weenie who cannot muster the cojones to say no, just because I am the dad and I said so. And these are significant reasons why I am a violin.

But...the real reason is...I look at my daughter and she looks back at me with those impossibly beautiful eyes of hers and she smiles or does the "Happy Dance" and I say something that makes her laugh, and ohmygawd that laugh, that laugh can launch ships and cure the sick and it makes me want fall to my knees and kiss her feet because, because, because...

...she's my big pretty girl and I am dumbstruck***, in awe, totally flummoxed and grateful that I can be in her presence and know that I had something to do with bringing her into the world.

And that makes me a truly lucky man.

Happy Father's Day, to all the dads out there. Let us bow our heads and give thanks!

*But not when I've been drinking. That would be balls up stupid. Don't do it.
**Of course, that's why we have earphones. And beer.
***Some would just say "dumb" and leave it at that. Sigh.

For further proof that my name should probably be "Stradivarius", please check out more Wee Lass chronicles here and here. You'll see what I mean!

Happy Fathers Day, Staff Sgt Beale

Ooops didn't mean to step on Irish Gumbo! I moved this post down under his.

Well I decided not to do the slides today. I got an electronic mail that pointed toward this subject and it really fits with fathers day. Fathers (and all parents that don't suck) make a lot of sacrifices for their kids, even the ones who kinda suck make a lot of sacrifices. Well my mailer pointed me toward one of many many fathers who made a much larger sacrifice for their kids than most. Here is what I can find of his story.

Staff Sargent John Beale.

He was a Georgia boy which hits close to home for me. It seems that John Beale always wanted to be a soldier. His father said he always wanted him to bring home army men when he was young. Well after ROTC in high school he joined the Army and served in Desert Storm. Then as he got older and his family grew he got out of the Army to be closer with his kids. Well as time went on he felt pulled back to to the service of his country so he joined the Georgia Army National Guard's 1st Battalion, 108th Reconnaissance, Surveillance and Target Acquisition Squadron. Well last month they were deployed for Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan.

His father said he was more apprehensive about going this time but knew he was serving his country and doing what was right by his family and all Americans. This time though he was leaving a family behind. Staff Sgt. Beale lives in McDonough with his wife Crystal, his son Christopher, 13, and daughter Calye, 8.

Well as you have surely figured out by now Staff Sgt. Beale won't get to see his kids this fathers day. He was killed by an IED near Kapisa, Afghanistan on June 4th along with two other patriots, Maj. Kevin Jenrette of Lula, Ga and Specialist Jeffrey Jordan of Rome Ga.

Well i think you should go here and watch the video(s) of Staff Sgt Beales homecoming, I will warn you though I sent it to the bride and she absolutely squalled.


If you didn't hit that link you really really should.

Here is what his father and father in law had to say about Staff Sgt. Beale.

His pa in law said: "He loved his country; he loved the military,". "He was just a good man."

His father said: "I hope he didn't die in vain," he said. "I think that's the main thing any father or a mother wants is to know that their son didn't die in vain."

What he wants people to know about his son is much simpler. "That he was just and all American boy," he said. "John was just a normal kid."

What more can any parent ask of their son.

Well there ya go. I won't opine but to say, war is real, warriors are real, they are sons, daughters, mothers, sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces, lovers and people. Not numbers. Not just people without names, faces, hearts, souls and families.

My father died in November of 07. He was a man of principles. I hear him and see his actions in my mind nearly daily. He said may things often based in principles, morals and values. He would often say "son sometimes you have to take a stand, and you always should do the right thing. Sometimes you have to decide which side you are on, sometimes you can't have it both ways"
When I watch some peoples actions it is tough to tell which side they are on when it comes to Staff Sgt. Beale and the others living and dead who serve and have served. The choice is clear. Decide and take a stand. You are either for em or agin em (that is a grandfather quote) you can't have it both ways.

If you are a father the Happy Fathers day. If you have a father then you need to precite them, even if they sucked at times. They don't live forever.

Christopher and Calye, we thank you for your father and the sacrifice you and he made for every American, be they for him or agin him.

Staff Sgt. Beale I hope I did you justice.

We salute you.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Unsung Dad

Every other Friday, I write a column for my local newspaper. As luck would have it, my turn came up today -- two days before Father's Day. Here's what I wrote.

* * *

As a father for 11 years (that includes two years of raising a Labrador retriever puppy, which should be made a prerequisite for parenthood), I've found that society tends to view me and my fellow dads as second-class parents.

When fathers are absent from a family -- physically or emotionally -- everyone rages about how awful it is, especially for the children, and socioeconomic studies justify this. However, when we're there day in, day out "-- does anyone really notice? I mean besides at my daughter's dance school, where I'm usually the only male beyond the age of Huggies hanging around the waiting room.

I admit, this expectation to just be there is a bed that past fathers have made and that present and future fathers must lie in -- unless you revel in it, like Michael Lewis, the acclaimed author of "Moneyball." He writes all about his lack of interest and participation in being a third-time dad in the new book "Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood." From what I've read in it, I'm not sure whether I feel sorrier for his kids or his wife.

I don't advocate the extreme of fathers walking around with fake pregnancy bellies and bemoaning their inability to breastfeed any more than I do them fulfilling the "Cat's in the Cradle" prophecy. There is a middle ground and I know several fathers today who stand firmly on it, through calm and earthquake alike. We help with the income, the housework, the schoolwork and our children's big questions in life such as "How can I get my Jigglypuff to evolve?" However, this role we generally perform under the radar, without a special "soccer mom"-like demographic label that marketers and politicians lust to capture, or the fanfare of an Oprah special edition on how we cope with having it all.

Dads -- pfft -- we can't even organize and promote ourselves. Am I right, ladies?

I admit that I occasionally feel slighted by the lack of general acknowledgment, but more and more I've come to accept my humble lot. This is because I've realized that the people who matter -- my wife and my children -- already know that dads are parents, too.

However, with Father's Day approaching, I'd like to offer some small appreciation to the other unsung fathers who quietly do their thing "-- in particular, my own.

Dad, thanks for all the years of providing me with shelter, food and a good life by working like a dog. Speaking of dogs, I know you tried many times to convince Mom to let me have one. It was a futile exercise, I know, but I appreciate you repeatedly going to bat for me.

On the subject of bats, thanks for all the catches and extra hitting practice over the years. I'm sure it all contributed to your need for rotator cuff surgery a few years back. Sorry. Thanks also for attending nearly all my games, especially junior year in high school when I spent the entire season warming up the pitchers in the bullpen.

Thanks for Sunday mornings. They started as post-church breakfasts at Friendly's, then became donuts from Beldotti Bakery, baseball cards and the New York Daily News. All influences on my life; not necessarily good ones, but special ones.

Thanks for The Talk before college and knowing that "don't be stupid" was all you needed to say.

Finally, thanks for not practicing birth control that one time, or else I couldn't thank you for anything at all.

* * *

Most of my columns (like my blog posts) garner little feedback. But late this morning, I found this e-mail in my inbox:


Thank you for the Shop-Vac and the cards. Right on!!
I read your editorial this morning and it made me cry!! But happy Son.
Look forward to tomorrow's game.

Your Dad

Yes, my dad does actually call me Beaver once in a while (as do some of my close friends).

Yes, I got my dad a new wet/dry vacuum for Father's Day (his was about 25 years old and still using the original filter).

And yes, I apparently choked the old man up.

Saturday, he'll come watch me coach my daughter's soccer team.

I think I'll be in for a hug.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there -- hot and otherwise.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I will start this post by saying …”not that I do”, but what do you all think about men who name their…package, johnson, manhood…whatever. I don’t mean names like that….more like, “Mr. Mighty”, “Sammy the Snake”, “Big Bob”, “Dong Juan” etc.

I will admit that BACK in the day…I may have had a name or two for my “instrument panel” but not these days.

I don’t really know why this popped into my head…and I really don’t think that it matters…It did so I write.

For the guys out there…do you have names?
For the women…
What do you think of guys who name their privates?
What is the best or worst name that you’ve ‘encountered’?

Oh…also do women name their…womanhood?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Pauli Girl Was Nice, But...

I do not remember for sure the first time I ever had a beer, when I was growing up. I know it must have been sometime around when I was 15 years old, typical adolescent hijinks and skullduggery involved to “score some brewskis”. I know it was with a group of my friends, my drinking buddies, if such a thing could be said of kids who were years away from being able to legally drink. We didn’t have much money then, and even less common sense, so the emphasis was on whatever we could get. My buddies drank Budweiser; I was the holdout for Pabst Blue Ribbon (in bottles, thank you very much). We didn’t much care, as long as it was there.

I do remember the first time I became aware of how much I liked beer, and it happened on a late summer evening, sitting at a picnic table with a bottle of PBR in my hand. I remember sitting there picking at the label and joking with my friends, watching the sun go down behind the trees and houses across the road. I titled that bottle back and swallowed a big mouthful: it hit me that this tasted so good, I couldn’t believe it. I wanted more, but not so much to get drunk. The buzz was certainly sought after, but I just really dug the taste, the slightly stinging bitterness, the faint sweet taste of the malt. Although I certainly wouldn’t have been able to describe it that way at the time; I didn’t know anything about it. It took years and a lot more beer before I knew what really was in it. But I never forgot that first moment of illumination.

It was also about the same time that I had my very first kiss. I very clearly remember that moment. It also happened while sitting on a bench, on a fall afternoon, in a park not too far from my boyhood home. My best friend and I, along with our girlfriends, had gone for a walk in the park to “get some fresh air” (wink, nudge). There was a little pond there next to a garden amongst some very tall pine trees, with benches scattered about. We were walking around in the garden and my friend, being more forward thinking in these matters, quickly made a beeline for a more secluded section of the garden, girlfriend in tow. Before I knew it, I lost track of them, leaving me alone with HER.

Not knowing what else to do, we found a bench and sat down, close together and barely touching. It was like we thought we would explode if our bodies came into contact, matter and anti-matter. But contact was inevitable; the gravitational pull was too strong. We held hands and watched some squirrels, sitting there in the afternoon sun, and then it happened.

Ka-BLAM. I think we turned to each other intending to say something but the momentum just carried us right into a kiss. Just like that. I was so stunned (and dizzy) that all I could think to do was to put my arm around her and just keep on kissing. Which we did. To the point of not being able to breathe.

For the shy, dorky kid that I was (and in some ways, still am) that moment was transcendental. I had never done anything so intimate, so personal, so physically intoxicating, in my life to that point. I still recall the golden light from the sun, her hair swirling around my face and tickling my cheeks and the sheer heart-racing power of being so close to a female who seemed to like me too. To quote Monty Python, from The Martyrdom of St. Victor:

“…but on the sixteenth day, he cried out, saying “This is FANTASTIC! OH, this is TERRIFIC!”

And it was. I was dizzy, I was swooning, and I felt drunk. The irony of it is, she and I broke up not too long after that. Even so, the taste of strawberry lip gloss never really left me after that day, much like the taste of barley malt swallowed on a summer eve. For me the first beer and the first kiss had a lot in common. They both opened my eyes to a larger world of possibilities, awakening my senses to delightful things previously unknown. They both impressed upon me the ecstasy and the agony of pleasure, making it clear that in drinking deep of certain things one must be very careful not to lose control.

They made me aware of the power of touch, taste, smell.

The secret to enjoying a beer or a kiss, really, really enjoying I mean, is to approach each one as if it were the first you ever had.

But, seriously? If I could have the opportunity to do one again, I’d take the first kiss over the first beer, any day…both may make you warm and fuzzy but a kiss is the stuff of life, my friends, the stuff of life

Monday, June 15, 2009

Ask Hot Dads

What do I say about today's edition of Ask Hot Dads?...I really don't know...except...if we were not so busy with being dads....we'd so rule the earth!!!!!

Keep sending in your questions and we'll keep spewing our goodness.

And here we go!!!!!!!!

Jules asked:
I am a "keeper of the house" and my hubby works all day and then after work for our business. I am at home, and help with the business from home. This being said, I feel guilty going off and doing something fun while he is away at do you hard working men think it is wrong for this wife to find a sitter and go have a fabulously fun night while my hubby is off working himself weary. (I am talking about a movie/drinks with a friend once every other week - not at the bar every night until all odd hours.) Or, do you think that is mean and wrong?

TentCamper says: Well, I don’t know if I am the best person to answer this one, but here goes. Both of us work (look for work) from home and spend an equal amount of time on household chores, cooking, cleaning, carpooling and with the kids…BUT Any times that Mariah has been invited out with friends…I am all for it. I think she would do the same for me…due to the economy and our current financial situation; we have both had to decline offers to go out…only due to a lack of extra cash. I think both people should be ‘allowed’ to have some time to do things that they enjoy, while the other holds down the fort.

Southern Sage says: no. I work and she stays home. (She works way harder than me, I'd never trade gigs with her) but I WISH shed have GNO's more often! So go!!

Irish Gumbo says: Not at all. Repeat, not at all. He'd probably like to do the same once in a while. Plus, let's not forget that being a "housekeeper" with a kid or kids can be just as much of a job as anything else. I know from my own experiences taking care of my daughter alone and doing all the other stuff, that it is hard work; it being unpaid work does not make it any less valid. As long as you aren't rubbing it in his face or neglecting things at home, it shouldn't be a problem.

Dadshouse says: Totally healthy! Especially if he gets a similar night to himself. Life is not just about working and taking care of house. It's all about friendships. Not to mention, great sex and drinking.

HomeAndUncool says: I'm actually in the reverse position (not to be confused with the Reverse Cowgirl position). As the "man about the house," I often feel the guilts about doing anything fun while My Love works hard for the money. But My Love understands that being keeper of the kids' schedules, coach to their teams, cooker of their meals, and warden of their bedtimes (not to mention, slave to the dog) is a full-time gig -- one that she admits would drive her batty. Her words to me have been, essentially, "Get out once in a while. Let me have some fun vicariously through you." Then, I remind her she can have fun physically with me anytime she wants, which brings us back to that Reverse Cowgirl thing, which usually leads to her rolling her eyes and handing me my car keys. So live a little now and then. You're entitled.

Hubman says: I don't think that there is anything wrong with it at all. I would assume that it's okay for him to have a boys night out once in a while, right? 'Cause it better be! How about this- in addition, do you get a sitter once in a while and go out with him?

DaddyGeekBoy says: The only way this is wrong if your husband doesn’t get his turn to play with his friends and/or your going out inhibits your responsibilities as a wife and parent. It doesn’t sound like the latter is true. And based on this question, I’m going to guess that you make sure your man gets his QT every once in a while also.

Not A Soccer Mom asked:
How do you make Crème Brule?

TentCamper says: My famous recipe for crème brule is…Exactly the way she tells me to make it.

Southern Sage says: I have no clue what that even is but go to the clinic and get a shot of penicillin that should clear it right up.

Irish Gumbo says: Heat 2 cups heavy cream to just below a simmer (include one split vanilla bean if you don't want extract). In a medium to large bowl stir gently until barely blended: 8 large eggs plus 1/2 cup sugar.. Remove vanilla bean if using. Very slowly (so as not to curdle the eggs) stir in the cream. Then strain through a fine mesh strainer into a large bowl to remove any small lumps. Stir in 3/4 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract if not using vanilla bean. Pour strained mixture into 6 to 8 ramekins of 4- to 6-oz. each. Place them in a baking pan or other ovenproof container big enough to hold them, and pour in water to no more than halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Carefully set pan in oven, center rack, and set to 250 degrees Farenheit. Let bake until just set but a little quivery, about 1 to 1-1/2 hours. Remove and let cool. Wrap tightly with plastic wrap, refrigerate at least 8, no more than 24, hours. Gently blot any liquid off the top when ready to serve. If you like, sprinkle about 1-1/2 to 2 teaspoons sugar evenly over the tops and hit them with a propane kitchen torch. CAREFULLY. The trick is to just caramelize the sugar without demolishing the creme brulee. "Burnt creme" is a slight figure of speech.

You can do all that, or just find a really good pastry chef, let them do all the work. The creme brulee at Blue Ginger in Watertown, MA (at least when I had it) was so good you'd hurt yourself!

Dadshouse says: I'd find a hot woman, ask her out on multiple dates, be my charming self, and eventually get her to make one for me! Talk about happy endings.

HomeAndUncool says: Although we do own the little blow torch made just to caramelize frilly desserts, I have never attempted this one. However, I have found in my other cooking adventures to always put faith in the goofy genius of The Food Network's Alton Brown: Let me know how it works out for you

Hubman says: 1) Go to Google
2) Search for "Creme Brulee"
3) click on for directions
See, wasn't that easy?

DaddyGeekBoy says: I know my way around the kitchen, but I have no baking mojo. It’s all too precise with little room for improvisation. Therefore, I do not make crème brule. However, I do know that any good crème brule worth eating uses real vanilla beans. Get a vanilla bean pod, split it down the middle then scrape out the beans inside.

Roxee asked:
If you couldn't touch/explore/lick/or kiss or weren't allowed to touch/explore/lick/or kiss your spouse, significant other, or one night stand on the lips, breasts, va-jay-jay, or butt... what is the next part of the body you would LOVE to touch/explore/lick/or kiss?

TentCamper says: Below the belly button and her inner thighs.

Southern Sage says: Whatever the part is tween her yeee hawww and belly button! or the small of her back, or her neck!

Irish Gumbo says: That reminds me of the time my doctor told me I needed to stop consuming chocolate, alcohol, caffeine and spicy foods. My response? "So what am I supposed to eat?" Hmmm. Well, if that were the case (and I hope it never is), I'd have to say the back of the knees, the little v-shaped dip where the hip meets the torso and/or the little hollow at the base of the throat. Along with the tops of the feet, and the inside crook of the elbow. Oooh, let's not forget the top of the cleft of the booty at the base of the the spine. Which I guess is technically not the butt. You decide.

Dadshouse says: Her tummy. Or that little crook above the hip. Of course, "she'd" want me to lick the nape of her neck. And I must admit, if that got her touching/exploring/licking/kissing all parts of me, well then, I'd give up on the tummy or hip crook, and go for said neck, pronto!

HomeAndUncool says: I'm a leg man -- from the tip of your well-manicured toenails, cruising up your tanned and toned calf, around the perfumed back of your knees to the firm but gentle slope up your … oh God, oh God. (BTW, My Love once read that licking the eyeball can be a real turn on. Mmm -- no. For the licker or the lickee.)

Hubman says: Enough qualifiers? lol...
A nice, shapely, strong pair of legs, of course. Working my way up and down her thighs and calves, teasingly brushing past her va-jay-jay, as you put it...

DaddyGeekBoy says: What no breasts? Aw man. Seriously, the nape of her neck is my favorite place to spend time.

Bonus Question –

Not A Soccer Mom asked:
What is the meaning of life?

TentCamper says: well…If I recall my last conversation with MY higher Power correctly…The meaning of life is to live it to the fullest, do what makes you happy and cherish those around you…beyond that?...There is no meaning.

Southern Sage says: This one is way above my pay grade!

Irish Gumbo says: "To crush your enemies, drive them before you and hear the lamentations of the women"...oh, wait, that's Conan the Barbarian..lemme think...Aha!...It's "42"! No, dammit, that's Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, wait, hold up....I got it!....

The meaning of life is to live in the constant unfolding of Love.

Dadshouse says: The Dalai Lama says the meaning of life is to be happy. He then says you find happiness by giving love through compassion. I'm okay with that. But I also find quite a bit of happiness in a good f**k, and a Manhattan cocktail. See question one above!

HomeAndUncool says: You are.

Hubman says: Wow, you really put a lot of faith in us Hot Dads! But I have no freakin' idea!

DaddyGeekBoy says: 42

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Funny, Sunday Slides, Caption contest

I need to hang this in the office!

Ha Now thats funny right there!


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Are they in competition with Hooters? I woulda named it "Peckers" hehehe

Caption contest, give it your best shot!

This pic is definately from the south!!!

Hope y'all have a big ole Sunday. Ofcourse some slides posted @ Sageville, NSFW of course.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Insane Love

As many of you know, San Adams is my all-time favorite beer…actually more of a love affair. (As seen Here and Here)

Anyway…I was on TweetDeck and decided to do a search for Sam Adams…to see if I was alone in my obsession.

HOLY SHIT!!!!! I am not alone…not the crazy bastard that I thought I was.

Below are about a dozen tweets that I pulled (as they came in):

wish I had some beer STOP complaining! BEER BEER YUMMY BEER! SAM ADAMS ALL THE WAY!

oooh I had some sam adams summer whilst in chi and it twas delightful.

currently drinking Sam Adams seasonal and watching the NBA. In theory running a training session

$2 pints at the fox & the hound. Sam Adams here I come!

Is it wrong to drink an ice cold Sam Adams Lager for your recovery drink after a 35 mile ride? You know what i don't really care. mmmmm yum!

Cold Sam Adams- Penguins in the finals- Life is good.

Enjoying a Sam Adams with my bride.

6 pieces of ravioli with tomato sauce and a sam adams cherry wheat ale

Sam Adams Summer Ale. Yes we are double wristing it.

Yankees. Red Sox. Sam Adams. It's all good!

Cracking a Sam Adams to go with my from-scratch clam chowdah. Wicked good.

Case of Sam Adams cherry wheat for the game. Slightly more excited for the beer.

Need me a Sam Adams.

Eating at a sports bar. Appetizer combo and a sam adams beer. Yum.

Does anyone know where in Kazoo to get Sam Adams Black Lager?

How bad is it to ditch the post-work run in favor of potato chips with Sam Adams? Probably pretty bad . . . crunch crunch crunch

So…if you have never tried Sam Adams…put down whatever it is that you are doing and go to the fucking store. It is worth it. My favorite is the regular Sam Adams Lager.


Friday, June 12, 2009

‘Normal’ childhood? - Part Three - The Bat and the Broom

Be sure to read part one and part two before this one

At the ripe age of about 9, and after causing some sort of stink at the dinner table, I was sent to my room while everyone else finished their dinner and had their ice cream.

Now, we lived in an old Victorian house and my room, the one that I shared with B1 was on the top floor …the converted attic.

Sitting up there sulking on the edge of my bed, wondering if I could coerce B2 to sneak me up some ice cream after dinner, I was startled by a freaking bird flying right through my open window. As it zipped back and forth around my room, spinning in circles, seemingly very disoriented, this ‘bird’ swooped down and got its feet caught in my hair.

Pause for image of said hair. (and maybe a bit of laughter)

Completely freaking out, running in circles, yelling for my mother and flinging my arms up to try to dislodge this hair intruder….I hear my mother yelling up the stairs, “I told you to be quiet up there…or you’ll stay up there all night!”

Continuing my cries for help, my mother stormed her way up to my room, cursing me enough so that I did not know who to be more scared of…this beast clawing at my head…or the one about to bust through my bedroom door with a belt.

A second later my mother burst though my door, with belt in hand and a lung full of air to scream at me. Upon seeing the flapping, tangled mess that was once my head, she screamed, “BAT!” and swiftly ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Shocked that A. It was a bat in my hair and not a bird…and B. that my mother would run out and just leave me there. I continued screaming and running around the room. A minute or so later she barged back into my room…armed with a broom. She march straight at me and began bashing me on the head with the broom…worried more so about hitting the bat than the structural integrity of my cranium. Once she successfully knocked the bat loose from my hair she dragged my whimpering body out of the room (as if I were a wounded soldier being saved by a war hero) and slammed the door once again.

After pleading with the man that lived next door, the bat was evicted from my room. The story ends with a haircut appointment for me early the next morning.

As the stories are seemingly endless…I’ll continue with another next time – Military Training

Thursday, June 11, 2009

‘Normal’ childhood? – Part Two - Fork Dinner

Be sure to read part one before this one

We were all sitting around our gi-freaking-normous dinner table one night and B1 and S2 were sitting at the head and the foot of the table. It was the usual banter, bickering and chaos that it had always been and our parents had grown fond of eating their dinner at the kitchen bar.

At the table, something B1 said to S2 made her pissed. I, to this day do not know what it was but she was furious. The tone between them became more like Carrie and Freddy Kruger going at it and the rest of us just sat there staring at the two of them…it was actually getting pretty good….until, out of nowhere, S2 picked up her fork and (as if she’d been secretly studying with Ninjas) threw her fork across the table with such precision that it stuck, squarely in my brother’s forehead. (The fork mind you, sticking straight out of his head, was about an inch above but directly between his eyebrows)…held there by the 3 prongs that neatly wedged themselves ever so slightly into his forehead.

All of us just sat there …mouths on the floor, eyes open wide with amazement…but nobody said a word…not even the two of them. Our parents, not hearing any more yelling, instantly KNEW something had gone awry, came running in to see what had happened. Both of them stopped abruptly when the saw the fork, that was protruding from B1’s head, drop to the table with a loud clanking sound.

They then ran to him and checked his head and proceeded to load him into the car and off to the emergency room.

After all was said and done, and my brother had no serious injury (except for the line of three dots in the middle of his forehead that were visible for about a year) that story has been told by us all, parents included, with a smile.

Stay tuned for the next glimpse into my childhood… The Bat and the Broom

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Normal Childhood - Part One - The Mini Hulk

When I look back on my childhood, I think of it as a happy, ‘normal’ childhood…just like everyone else who was growing up in the 70s and 80s. We had everything that we needed and parents who loved us and tended to us the way parents should.

Recently I’ve found myself telling wild stories from my childhood, that lead me to believe that we were anything but normal.

Growing up with 5 siblings (3 sisters and 2 brothers) there was always a lot going on and there were always rifts springing up between sets of us. For the most part, our parents just sat back (and now reflecting on it were most likely cracking the fuck up) and letting us sort things out ourselves…as learning experiences.

M=Adoptive Mother
F=Step Father
S1=sister (older by 2 years)
S2=sister (younger by 4 years)
S3=step-sister (younger by 6 years)
B1=brother (younger by 2 years)
B2=step-brother (younger by 4 years)

I will summarize a few of the questionable stories for you over the next week or so. Then you can tell me if my childhood sounds normal to you or not.

‘Normal’ childhood? - The Mini Hulk

I was a bit of an instigator (still am) and would make it a point to pick on (almost to the point of crying) B2. Now being 4 years younger, he knew that standing his ground with me would be a drastic error in judgment…so he never did…until one day. It was right after school and I was mentally jabbing at him and making him feel as close to a pile of dog shit as I could. Then something happened…the boy freaked. His eyes changed. His skin flared up in a deep red and he screamed, “I HAVE HAD IT!” I responded with some bully-ish retort that sent him flying over the edge. With that, he, moving faster than I’d ever seen him move, ran past the wood stove, snatching up the large iron fire poker and proceeded to chase me around the house…swinging at will trying to silence my banter. Realizing how serious he was, by the trail of broken vases and lamps in his wake and the near miss to the back of my head, I found the only lockable room in the house (my parents) and securely locked the door behind me. Sitting on the edge of their bed, listening to his threats of violence…I figured that the homicidal rage would soon subside and we could all go about our day as per the norm.

All of the sudden, my thoughts were interrupted by the crashing sound of the fire poker connecting with the door knob that was currently saving both of us from a great deal of pain. I watched as the knob became looser and looser, heard wood of the door cracking and I knew that it would be any minute that mini Hulk would come crashing through the door.

I took that as a sign that he was not in a frame of mind to calm down and that I should seek refuge elsewhere. I scrambled over to the window and lowered myself as far as a 12 year old could and jumped the remainder of the two story drop…then bolted (with a slight limp) over to a neighbor’s house until my parents got home.

Come back to read the next installment…Fork Dinner

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Where’s the Happy Ending?

I’m a divorced dad on the dating scene, and I’ve had some fabulous dates in the past few months, full of romantic compatibility with new women who have ventured into my life. Dinner, drinks, hikes, sexy text messages, movies. A few of these dates ended with hot moments on the couch, some even in bed.

Before you let out a big “woo-hoo!” (since you all are my personal cheering section when it comes to me “getting some”), let me point out that most of these women did everything BUT facilitate a happy ending. (Yes, I mean that kind of happy ending.)

Occam’s razor would say it’s something about me – I’m giving off the wrong vibe, I’m making them feel uncomfortable, I'm too old, my Most Wanted poster is finally up in the local Post Office.

Sorry, but I think Occam got this one wrong. Most of these women like me and want to keep dating me. They are more than willing to fool around. They just don’t want me to enjoy that happy ending – unless it comes with the strings of a relationship.

Now then, before you say “of course they should hold out for a relationship”, can I ask with a show of hands how many wives in married couples pull this same sort of stunt? The “not tonight I have a headache” routine is as old as time, and I have to believe actual headaches aren't always involved.

I’m guessing there are at least a few women who dole out happy endings only when their man has done everything she wants him to do. For some women, it’s a form of control. (I wonder if the Jon and Kate divorce got started over something like this. You never know.)(And before I start a Mars/Venus war here, I am saying "some" women, not all or even most. I generally hate generalizations.)

For this single dad on the dating scene, withholding a happy ending has the opposite effect. If I had a great third date with a woman, and we’re both willing to get hot and heavy on the couch, and she lets things go all the way up to that ecstatic tantric moment of bliss, then suddenly brakes to a complete stop – I’m thinking there are some relationship security or control issues going on.

These women can have their string-laden relationships. I’ll keep looking for a happy ending that leads to a wonderful new start.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Ask Hot Dads

Today's installment of Ask Hot Dads comes with a mix of questions that have rolled in over the past few days. As eager as we are to impress you all with our intellect and worldly knowledge...we've tried to keep our answers in terms that you should all be able to understand.

Additionally…brace yourselves for next week as we have already gotten a few very good questions. (Keep the questions coming!!)

Without further ado, please continue on to enlighten you with our wealth of knowledge…as we bask in the glory that our wisdom showers us with.

Jessica asked:
If you could teach your kid/kids ONE thing in life what would it be and why?

TentCamper says: I would have to go with respect. Elders (including parents), peers, rules, laws, etc…but others must respect them as well…if not, they may not deserve theirs.

DaddyGeekBoy says: I want to teach them to respect others. That's one of the most important lessons I have.

Cameron says: Respect, because if you respect your peers, your bosses, your spouse, etc, everything else will fall into place. I was going to say kindness, but there is a fine line between kindness and being naïve....some people take advantage if you're too kind.

TrooperThorn says: The one thing I would teach my kids is: "Just do what she says." This works in all situations and relationships.

Hubman says: That's easy, the Golden Rule- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" It all starts with consideration for others.

Dadshouse says: Giving love is all you need.

Southern Sage says: You only come into the world with two things, your name and your word, you need to make every effort to make those 2 things still be good when you leave it.

IrishGumbo says: To live life always being themselves. Why? Because the price of living as someone else wants you to be is, in the long run, much too high. Trust me on this one.

Willow Witch asked:
How should I have handled this situation? Riding 60 miles an hour down the road on my bike, I get nailed in the forehead by a bee, it then drops into my t-shirt and my UMMM unmentionables, and starts stinging me, how would the single men driving by have preferred to see me getting the little sucker out instead of the Tarzan act I put on?

TentCamper says: As I am not single…I am speculating here. I would guess…lying on your back over the seat while pouring warm oil (if you don’t have warm oil…water would be ok) all over your front. Then tearing your shirt off to reveal your oil covered chest, while rubbing yourself all over to caress the stings. At which point you call said single man (or another hot woman) over to help you remove the stingers. …I could go on and on.

DaddyGeekBoy says: Come on, this one's a little too easy.

Cameron says: I’m sure the single men would have preferred this – you AND YOUR HOT girlfriend stop your bikes, you tear off your clothes and YOUR HOT girlfriend examines, and maybe caresses you to make you feel better. I’m pretty sure married guys would be Ok with that too.

TrooperThorn says: Disrobing in slo-mo is always good. Try and toss your hair around while you run your hands up and down your body to make sure the bee is gone. Employ some background music if you can like "She's My Cherry Pie" by Warrent. Often men like to see water employed such as a lawn sprinkler or emerging from a pool a la Phoebe Cates in 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High'.

Hubman says: Your tits are unmentionable? Why?I've had a similar thing happen while on my bike and was much more concerned with killing the little fucker than how I looked doing it. As long as you didn't crash [60 mph? I need to find some hills like that!], it's the result that counts. Don't need any extra bumps on your boobs. The one is the middle is enough ;-)

Dadshouse says: First off, if you can travel 60 MPH on a road bike, you should be in the Tour de France. Top speeds there are 35 MPH when the peloton works together. Screw Lance Armstrong and his record 7 wins - you'd kick ass in this race!Second, I'd recommend taking your top off. Plenty of guys would stop their cars and offer medical help. I'm guessing you needed mouth to mouth, as well as some hands on massaging of the parts that were stung. I'd be happy to provide an extensive examination.

Southern Sage says: Flag me down, allow me to help you check aall over you to make sure that there were no stings where the poison needs to be sucked out!(Oh thats poisonous snake bite remedy but we could go with it anyway!)

IrishGumbo says: Ummm...if the alternative was to see you pull over, and do a slow strip tease and then get rid of the bee, then I think it wouldn't have mattered if the men were single or not. Just sayin'...roadside burlesque, anyone?

Anonymous asked:
How do you convince your spouse or s/o to explore more with you? I've opened a lot of doors already with mine, but am lacking a lot in the oral department, and could use some more excitement when it comes to foreplay. As I've noticed that my spouse doesn't get subtlety, should I just blatantly say what I want, or find a nice way to ask for it. If so, how many times is too many?

TentCamper says: You need to tell him if you want something. If you feel that telling him outright would be difficult you could try something that we do (for fun.) Both of you write down a sexual fantasy night together and the read each others aloud. If you prominently include what you feel is missing, it might help in the message sending department. But again…communicate your needs.

DaddyGeekBoy says: This isn't a matter of trickery or subtle hints. You need to have a direct conversation with your spouse about what you're looking for.Communication is one of the most vital sexual tool we have, and all too often we feel that we shouldn't talk about it or we feel thatthings should just come naturally in the bedroom. They don't always.Talk. This way you can understand where your partner is coming from.

Cameron says: I would just talk about it with your s/o… maybe start making out / groping a little bit, then tell him/her some of the things that you want to try. Maybe even offer a little something something in return. You never know, they may want to do the same thing. If your s/o is a little timid in the sack, take things slow, don’t try to get too crazy all at once.

TrooperThorn says: Shave it all off.

Hubman says: One thing you should NOT do is bring this up in bed. Find some alone, but not nekkid, time and bring it up. Tell him, without insulting him or making it seem like your sex life at present is somehow inadequate, that there are things you'd like to explore or do more of. Ask him if he's interested, but be ready to hear 'no' for an answer and respect his boundaries.I suppose it depends what you're asking for as well. Does he already go down on you and you just want more of it? That shouldn't be too hard to convince him to do. But something he's never tried? That could be more difficult.And don't forget about doing something for him. Is there something he'd like to try that you've resisted? A little quid pro quo can go a long way!

Dadshouse says: If you are interested in oral exploration, you might consider interning with a dentist. If you mean oral sex, and your partner isn't responding to subtlety, mix up a batch of my famous Mai Tai recipe and get him drunk. These Mai Tais aren't watered down with pineapple or orange juice. It won't be the first time alcohol was used as a sexual stimulant.

Southern Sage says: YES! I tell this to chicks all the time. SAY IT! I would do anything this side of down right deranged if she wanted. If you want him to go downtown and he just refuses then you have two options, let it go or hold back what he likes. Say he LOVES to do you k- fashion (or whatever) then don't allow it. Everytime he tries just say whatever he says wen you want him to go downtown. Say nah I don't like that any more than u like going down on me so we are evern.
Never 2 many times until he does it.
Men are EASILY trained.
You have all the tater, use it to your advantage.

IrishGumbo says: Say it. Say it. SAY IT!. If he doesn't get subtlety, then by all means be direct. And it is very possible to be direct and be nice at the same time. This is an area where honesty and forthrightness are VERY important. Never assume that your partner will just "know" what you want (true mindreaders do not exist), and if they never bring it up or take the hints, then you will end up increasingly frustrated and resentful, because you will not be getting what you want. Pick a quiet time, preferably when you are alone together and in the mood for a little sump'n-sump'n, and just ask. Maybe something like, "You know what I'd like to try?..." and then tell them what you want. I can't claim to be an expert, but this works. Chances are your spouse will be open to it. At the very least you have made your wishes known, and open to discussion. And that is a good thing all around, if everyone truly wants a healthy, honest relationship.

D. M. asked:
I’ve heard it said by a few men that they don’t like lingerie on women. More than that, they really DISLIKE it! So this confuses me, and when I’m dressing for a special encounter with a man for the first time, I find myself choosing something ‘in between’ – not too risqué, you know - just in case.
Tell me – how common is this? Do you men discuss this preference at all?

TentCamper says: I don’t know about most guys but I am on the fence. I can say that I think women can look pretty hot in lingerie…but at home I guess I feel that it is a bit unneeded. Mariah is quite hot enough without it and quite frankly lingerie can be confusing and frustrating to get off when you are in action. I much prefer cute little cheekies and a tank top.

DaddyGeekBoy says: I've never sat around with the fellas talking lingerie over beers and video games. So I couldn't tell you if most guys like or dislike lingerie. I think the right outfit can be sexy as all get out.

Cameron says: I’ve never really known anybody that dislikes lingerie….the only complaint my wife has is that I rip it off of her too quickly because I get riled up immediately ;) Seriously, there are a few particular items that I don’t care a lot for, but most items I love. Anything revealing, sexy, silky, I’m up for it. “In between” is fine, but you may want to take it up a notch. Get a little more daring. I will say this also – if you’re wearing something sexy like lingerie, you HAVE TO sport a sexy attitude to match it. If you get all shy or start to show body image issues, it’s a turn-off.

TrooperThorn says: Men like what the lingerie represents: that you are into sex and feeling sexy. It heightens the anticipation that this encounter will not be regular Tuesday night humping duty but an experience that you are looking forward too. We are not particular to the style since it all looks the same piled on the floor.

Hubman says: I LOVE lingerie on women! Well, I like it better on the floor, but I digress...I don't think I've ever discussed this with other men, aside from on various blogs like this. The last date Veronica and I had with another couple, the woman was wearing a cupless bra and a g-string and I thought it was perfect. Go visit my wifes blog and her HNT last week if you want to see ;-)

Dadshouse says: I am one of those men who does not care for lingerie. I prefer tearing off whatever clothes you are wearing, and getting it on. I do like boyshorts on a woman, or a thong. But I don't need to see you in a fancy lace teddy. A bath towel, or one of my shirts on you is sexy enough.

Southern Sage says: I have no preference. If I'm gonna get it I don't care if shes wearing Gene Simmons make up, a dunce hat, plaid old man golfing britches, a burlap sack a Ronald McDonald shoes. Lemme have the goods. I have never heard of someone being repulsed by lingerie.

IrishGumbo says: These few men, are they from this planet? (grin) Not like lingerie? Hmmm...maybe in some extreme cases it isn't so great. I suspect that as the number of straps and hooks and buttons increases, the presence of desire may tend to decrease. No one really wants to spend TOO much time getting to the "big reveal". And when the blood is up, impatience can rear its ugly head. Having said that, though, I personally can dig some strategically placed lingerie, not too frilly and not too much. For crying out loud, guys, slow down, ENJOY unwrapping what is quite possibly the best gift you'll ever get! As to the choice of 'in-between'...I can understand that. In my opinion, it is sexier to pick something that reveals "just enough" and that reflects the personality of the wearer. Becasue good lingerie should not just be about making the man happy, it should also make the woman happy, too.
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