Summer - Kids, Breasts, Crazy People and More

OK…I know that it has been quite some time since I have posted here at my own freaking blog. I don’t know, I guess ‘real life’ is getting the majority of my time.

Anyway, I thought that you all should hear about what is happening in my world.

First of all, I have been spending a lot of time working with a very nice (but completely off his rocker) guy trying to organize 5 lacrosse teams within our city. It is much more work than I thought. Last spring I was just coaching and this year I will be serving as the club’s General Manager. This means everything from securing sponsorships, website development (which ZenMom is so graciously helping with), coordinating with parents, developing relationships with all of the schools, formulating and conducting recruitment activities, hiring coaching staff, reaching out to local media, etc.

The funny part is that this is all for kids between 7th and 12 grades…who predominately do not show a bit of gratitude. (assholes!!)

Next on my list is....I was driving down the street last week and look over at the car next to me and almost chocked!!! I wanted to be nowhere near this lady. (I so wish I had taken a photo).

She was driving with one hand, was playing on her iPhone, had a breast pump harness system going (like the one pictured below) ...boobs out and pumping away....and she had a laptop up on some holder so that she could use it while driving.

What else?..... Oh yeah, so I am driving with our little 11 year old rock climber (who tends to back seat drive at the drop of a hat) and we get to a 4 way stop .

She reads aloud, “Stop - All Way …that means that you have to stop all the way?! Right”…I think this one, having grown up with California’s rolling stops, may need to read the drivers manual a few extra times.

One day at the beach…no twice now we were at the beach (with a large group of kids) and this ….woman(?) showed up.

Not only did she reposition regularly…like a roasting pig, but she moved in a way that everyone within 50 yards saw EVERYTHING! I think the beach rules should cover people like her.

Lastly, we’ve spent the last month hosting Mariah’s sister and her 3 kids. It has been a lot of fun and we all enjoyed the visit, though our house was FULL!!!!! 3 parents, 9 kids, 3 dogs, 2 birds and 2 guinea pigs. We did though have great beach days, hikes, trips, family time ….and I was even forced to sit through a dinner theatre musical….while trying to digest under cooked fish.

Now, Cody (15) is off at his second Boy Scout came of the summer (hiking down the Grand Canyon , camping and then hiking out).

Amanda (18) is finally back from her 2 weeks trip to Bali…and now preparing to go off to college.
I spose I just roll with it all….What else is a Hot Dad to do?

Classes for Women, Sunday Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

Good old Dr Smith...

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after
your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for
several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs !

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?' 'Yes I am.. How did you know?' He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."


1. Lol, that is a beautiful ocean!
















THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs.
The girl asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'

2. Maybe she can buy a new mirror hers is surely broken.












3. Ya think?


















Summer Classes for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday June 25, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00PM

Class6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class9
IWas Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class11
Learningto Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdaysat 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class12
Howto Shop by Yourself.
Meets4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Uponcompletion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

4. Ball dippin anyone?



















5. Go Bill!

















6. LOL










7. Who wants some?


















Give the caption contest a try! Come on surely you can come up with something! Slumber party at Sage's is taken though!














Go see what the Real World has going on!


I'm sure I posted here too.

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

1. LOL


2. Indeed you should fear the smiley folks.


3. Do it Jack.


4. Ole Tiger never gets old.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

5. The Doublemint twins?



6. bwhahahahahahaha


Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect football outing for an away game between the

NY Jets and the Indianapolis Colts


Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

On game day, two days later, the three get to the stadium site only to find Frank already sitting in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

"Man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. The other evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and so I did.

And then she said "Now, do whatever you want."

So here I am!!!

7. Democrats! Who'da thunk it.


8. Ha!!!!!!!! Fail indeed.

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Caption Contest, but you can't use "Hey Honey he's hung like a Sage!
Give it your best shot though!



Well take a shot at the captions! Hope everyone has a groovy Sunday!

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.




The case came up in court.




The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.




The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'




'CASE DISMISSED!!'

I need this button sometimes!


2. Just silly.


3. LOL


"Sex With an Illegal Immigrant"

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No," she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish and exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was not so bad. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US.

4. Tunnel of love?


5. I had no idea there wasa chick out there with a tongue identical to mine!


6. Smile son I can get us both on my Facebook profile pic!


7. Kinda funny

Caption contest!!! Come you can come up with something. I'll go with "Kiss me I'm Irish!"

Hope every ones long weekend is good!

Didja hit the giveaway? Memorial Day is the last day! Easy to enter, enter as often as you'd like!

Go see what the Real World has going on!

Sunday Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side.
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

1. I need that button for when folks are babblin.
2. LOL



3. Tiger is da man!



I Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax..

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with

"Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

4. Ha!


5. Then he ran for president and some of y'all voted for him!


6. Truth is funny sometimes.

7. The only way I'll ever have 6 pack abs!


Caption contest. Come on y'all can think of something!


IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



Hope y'all have a lazy Sunday and your driver wins!

Go see what the Real World has going on!

Sunday Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

.When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Bwahhahahahahahaa

1. Go Tiger!


2. It is a beautiful ocean!


3. Or any time really!


4. Yesssssssssss Honey I fixed the frickin steps!


5. hehehehe


6. Well I'll never have one of those so I suspect I'll have to rely on the other stuff.



Caption Contest!!! Surely you can leave something good in the comment box!!



There ya go! I hope your driver is winning the race and all is well in your world!