I have a handful of patents to my credit, and still occasionally do patent searches. One such foray into the US patent database made me aware of a device so horrific in concept, so pain-stakingly designed, I felt it my duty to make the Hot Dads aware.
US Patent 587,994 - Surgical Appliance
Innocuous enough title, right? But just read from the specification...
The device is adjusted to the person by fitting plate A over the abdomen and securing it by belt B. The organ [ed. note: yes, that organ] is passed through the aperture a, which fits close up around the base [ed. note: yes, that base!], and this member [do I have to say it again?!] is then drawn down... and secured... The pricking-points [ed. note: ouch!] are adjusted so as to lie in such proximity above, though clear of, the organ, as may be found best.
The member [ed. note: yes, that member!], being drawn down held down in lip a', will as long as there is no excitement not be in contact with the pricking-points...
WTF! Talk about animal cruelty. And I'm not talking about wild animals. I'm talking about the animal known as Hot Dad (in esteem or potential). I mean, this is a surgical appliance to keep a guy from having an erection.
It's the anti-viagra device!
What happened to patents for spatulas and grills and awesome homemade hamburger recipes?
Thank God, this surgical appliance issued in 1897. The 20 year monopoly granted to the patent owner has expired.
Then again, there's patent 6736142: Protective Tube and Harness, a method to assure masculine chastity characterized in that the penis is bandaged with an adhesive tape, and the bandage is protected externally by a metallic tube.
That one issued in 2002, which means it's still in effect! Someone out there is sick.
I think it's time the Hot Dads take over the US Patent and Trademark Office, and put an end to beastly patents like these. Who's in?!
(This Hot Dads public service alert brought to you by Dad's House – Dating and Parenting by an Unchaste Hot Dad)
Thumbnail image of figure from US Patent 587,994
as found on the US PTO website.
as found on the US PTO website.
