Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How do you stay on top of your email?

So in preparation of us leaving to camp for a few days, I went into Mariah's email to print out our reservation confirmation.

I was immediately in shock! I could not believe that I was seeing what I was seeing. Does this really happen to people?!

**Please take a look at the number of unread messages!!!! (over 37,000) WTF!?

I hope there are no emails in there from a sick old friend or someone who needs help in some way....they'll be waiting a LONG time!!

I have to admit that I came very close to spending a few hours deleting and organizing...but I knew that she'd hang my ass out to dry for organizing HER shit.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Caption Contest, Funnies

Last Call on the best, easiest give-away in the universe, HERE.

Master Card Wedding
You got to love this guy....
This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to than k everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his f amily and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in f ront of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000.

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things mo ney can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

A Mastercard Wedding

'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos-- what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......

1. Ok ladies steal this and post it on your blog.

2. That is just silly.

Health tip of the day

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

My present and future financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of…

Barack Obama

Joe Biden

Harry Reid

Nancy Pelosi

Tim Geithner

Rahm Emmanuel

Chris Dodd

and Barney Frank!

If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice; I'm just doing it as a public service.

3. Go Toger, you tell em.

"BAIL EM OUT! ????

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

4. Just in case you are tired of eating hard balls?!?!?!

5. Amen to that.

6. The toilet paper isle or the athletic gear isle? Where to go first?

7. Yes yes a nice kitchen!

8. Ha, and true too!

Caption Contest, give it your best shot!

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.


There ya go hit the give-away, gimmie your best caption, strip naked and run around your house and have a big ole Sunday!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Pick up lines, what works?

First things first Didja hit the best ever Blog Easter Bunny Giveaway?

Lets talk about pick up lines shall we?

Well I went and hung out with some of my old skool boys the other night, drank beer, ate steak, played pool drank more beer, then we drank beer and we talked smack too, stopping only to drink beer.

The place we met was one of the guys dad owns some land and sells hunts and has a lodge and a lounge that he feeds up the hunters and such, it is an old old tobacco barn that they re-did the inside of. Its the first time I had been in there and look at the pic on the wall!!! I signed it for them but I figured I'd take YOU a picture.

All of the guys were older than me, all of my friends were older than me all through school. Well the one closest to my age is one of my main running buddies back in the day and he started me telling stories and prompting me to tell things etc. The Waylon story, everyone had heard more than once but I had to tell it again.

Well there are a bunch of stories y'all would like but the ones that stuck in my mind for this post was the "pick up lines" they liked so good. J would build it up about what went down in this or that juke and what the chicks looked like or whatever and then he'd let me take it from there. Well I never really had "pick up lines" because I seldom if ever approach any chicks (If I told why y'all would shake your head and think to yourself "Only Sage would say that and believe it"). So they weren't really pick up lines as much deal closing lines.

Though in Tampa one time when I was playing ball and 21 I did win the best line contest in a huge assed bar, the biggest one I have ever been in but thats a story for another time.

My most profitable closing.

To set the scene there would be people at the juke that I knew or the dood(s) I was with knew. (Just a note, I'd never take a girl to a juke, that makes no sense to me, if you were going fishing would you take a bucket of fresh caught TO the damn pond?) So anyway people know people, know people, know people so there was sure to be a hot chick or two to choose from that I had met during the course of the night. (another note, I never ever closed early in the night, it was usually around 1 an hour before closing before I ever chose and hit up, if you close early then there is no reason to stay!) so when it was time I'd just say to the chosen one.............

me "Hey girl I just heard you won...."

Her" huh?"

me "you won!"

Her "I did?? What did I win?"

Me " An all expenses paid one night stay at the Sand Castle"

Her "OMG Really??"

Me "Yeah thats what they said"

Her "Sweet! Umm Whats the Sand Castle?"

Me " Thats where the Sandman is gonna make your dreams come true...."

Her " puzzled look, giggle giggle" (if they ever giggled it was over for em, after all it is the second best thing a dood can make a chick do)

Me sticking out hand to shake " Hello Sunshine I'm the Sandman, nice to meet you...."

the answer to your questions are all YES, yes that worked, yes that worked WAY more than not, yes I'm serious, and yes it took game to pull off but I had game.

Tell me how a guy scored you in the past? The best you ever heard? The worst you ever heard? Maybe I'll tell you the best/worst pick up line won the contest story after we hear what worked or was tried on you!

Y'all have a big ole weekend!
Southern Sage is out! (you can hit that link and get in on the Education discussion (Saturday) or some NSFW pics on Sunday.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Dr. CBG: Guys…what NOT to do.

Call me Dr. CBG.

And today, I have scoured the internet looking for love tips for you, the men of the Blogosphere. What I've come up with is ten sure-fire tips for guys on things NOT to do.

Trust me…you'll thank me later:

  1. Don't commit to a relationship too quickly. Men sometimes have the tendency to make a big deal out of first dates that they enjoy, so if you do that then your potential partner might feel pressured and thus create discomfort and uneasiness. Man, if I had a nickel for every woman I've made uneasy...
  2. Don't never commit to anything. Dudes, my poor grammatical skills aside, if you can't make some type of commitment then your potential partner may feel like there's no hope for a future. Smarten-up. Not every woman wants a booty-call.
  3. Brush your teeth. C'mon guys…no woman wants to kiss a guy with skunk breath. Keep a piece of gum or a mint handy. Jeez…have a bit of class, ya skunky bastard.
  4. Stop showing off. Sure, if I had a million dollars I'd probably flaunt it a bit…but women don't want to hear all about your yacht or your abs or your big-ass bank account. The bald middle-aged pudgy white guy sitting at the next table over-hearing your stories don't want to hear your stories, either. Just STFU.
  5. Women don't like farting. Well…most women, anyway. So stop it. And don't tell fart jokes, either. What's the matter with you?
  6. Nobody wants to hear about your ex. I know your past relationship sucked. I mean hell…you're single for a reason, right? But guess what, Skippy? That woman you're with doesn't want to hear you bad-mouth your ex. Just STFU (kind of a running theme today). If you're asked, then tell. Just keep it reasonable and don't embellish.
  7. Don't push her head "down below". I hate to burst your bubble, guys…but sex in the bedroom isn't always a real-life porno. If a woman wants to mouth-tackle the twig-n-berries, she'll do it on her own or (better yet) maybe if you ask her nicely.
  8. Ask for f*cking directions! The GPS isn't perfect and you're not on the Amazing Race. Swallow some of that pride and just ask somebody where the hell you're supposed to go.
  9. Soap. Learn it. Spell it. Use it.
  10. Umm…women are allowed to orgasm, too. You'll get your turn; stop being so damn greedy.

So there you have it...your top ten love tips for men. Pretty amazing ground-breaking stuff, right? Well, I'm also available for one-on-one tutoring sessions and bar mitzvahs.

Ladies...any more suggestions?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


There is a scar on my chin, although you can’t see it underneath my beard. It is a souvenir of a time when I was young and reckless. I got it falling off my bike headfirst as I carelessly zoomed down the steep hill where I lived as a kid. 25 stitches later, it left a jagged scar that although has faded over time, reminds me that sometimes you need to slow down and pay attention to the world around you.

I have two circular scars on the back of my right hand, which I told people was from a street hockey incident at summer camp. However, they are actually the result of having a series of warts burned off that mysteriously kept reappearing during my last year of junior high. For years, I didn’t have the self-confidence to admit to anyone what had truly caused the scars.

My other scar is not prominent. It’s a little white line near the fingernail of my index finger that I received while trying to cut through a super ball with a pocket knife, even though my dad had warned me not to. I had to spend the evening with him in the emergency room, enduring his silent but piercing “I told you so” stare. That scar is a reminder that my father is a wise man to whom I should pay attention.

My collection of scars is small. And while they don’t come with any truly great stories, each permanent mark on my body serves as a reminder of who I was and what I’ve learned along the way.

Scars can reveal a lot about a person. So what scars do you have and what stories do they tell about you?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Divorce Court Update

Knowing you all the way I do, I knew that you would all want to hear about my most recent visit to divorce court.

To set this up, I’ll tell you that the date was to discuss a modification to the current visitation orders and to address the contempt charges that I filed against my ex for not allowing me to see my boys.

Upon arriving at court, I was directed to the mediation office, which I knew was a joke because there is no way in hell that my ex would agree on anything that I propose…especially it meant more time for me.

After waiting there for about 20 minutes and …her not showing up, they sent me up to the court room. I checked in and had a seat. After a good 45 minutes of listening to the smug attorneys sharing stories about their weekends and caseloads, my case was called.

The judge asked us all to identify ourselves – and as HER attorney was introducing himself, he stated that he was only representing her for the modification and not for the contempt charges. The judge looked up and said that she needed to have an attorney for the contempt arraignment and that she may have to be appointed to the public defenders office. I knew that meant everything would be delayed…once again.

Then her attorney stated that she could not go to mediation or proceed with the modification hearing as her Fifth Amendment rights might be violated. What the fuck is that? I explained to the judge that I have only seen my boys twice since the end of November and that I wanted the visitations back on track. The judge agreed and stated that the current visitation order would remain in effect until we went back to court.

Additionally, my ex’s attorney asked the courts for approval on having the case examined by a child custody evaluator. The judge agreed and told us that it would cost us each an additional $400. Out of my $150 that I have…it is gonna be quite the struggle.

So now I have to wait until April 5th to go see the evaluator and then back to court April 27th. This has all dragged on MAY of 2006! I am so sick of all of this bull shit! I even received an email from my ex stating that she would “make this divorce as long, drawn out and irritating as possible for me.”
Excuse my language…but … What a fucking cunt!!!!

Anyway, as I have been doing this whole thing without an attorney…I think it is time that I slap her in the face with my balls a bit. (meaning … me getting representation.)

Other than that…cuz I know she is going to read this…
You look like shit. You have gained at least 100 pounds. Your smug attitude is laughable and your attorney looks, stumbles and walks like a freakin hobo.

Sage on Sex, come on you KNOW you wanna

Ok I thought I'd let those of y'all that don't know it get in on the goodness. There is yet another blog I contribute to Real World Venus Mars that is a bunch of bloggers talking about relationship issues. Well today one of my posts is scheduled. We don't get to many male voices and of course we are always looking for new female voices to opine. This post should maybe make you snigger, or at least grin. Hit it up and say it!!!!

Topic: My spouse is a Morning/Night intimate person, I'm a Morning/Night (opposite) intimate person we make sex/intimacy work by doing this...

First and foremost lets establish this un-deniable fact. I HAVE NO PREFERRED TIME! Anytime, every time and all the time. I'm game on. I mean I'm By God for it whenever wherever. If she even hints like she might be the slightest bit interested I'm all over that like a rooster on a June bug. You know those folks that have dogs that will ummmmm be intimate with the leg of a stranger??? Just sayin...................

Thats the first paragraph........ the rest is HERE.

Come on you can do it, if they won't let you in the password is "Sage isa Hottie".

Monday, March 22, 2010

Ask Hot Dads

b mari asked:

Ok, so here it goes... There's this hot, single, dad, at work, that I was just kind of friends with, in fact, not even attracted to until one night. That one night I was a lil tipsy and flirt-texted him. Ha! He texted back. So....we set a date for a night (he was willing to travel nearly 2hrs to my place) --and what do you know? It was extremely amazing! --It was amazing from the moment he walked in and all the way to the bedroom. Anyway, afterward we talked about our upbringing, family, his daughter etc and it turns out we have a lot more in common than we thought. We fell asleep in each others arms and since then have seen each other 2 more times. He knows I would like to start a relationship, but he said he wasn't good relationship material. --The thing is that we always end up talking about our families and it makes me think otherwise.... About me, I'm about 6 yrs older than him, don't want any kids and don't have any (though I looove them), and he had a vasectomy (his daughter is 12).... --LOL....my question now is how much did you share about yourself to your "bootycalls?" Did you ever see yourself with any one them?

Is there even a remote chance with him? Should I just keep hoping? Or just let it go? p.s......I'm sooooo willing to drive to him... --Oh, and I know he more than likes me because one of his good friends gave me the "411" on him. --He says he just doesn't have time....

says: Well, I’ll start by saying that I never shared too much with any of my past ‘bootycalls’…cuz that was just what they were. We were just in it for the sex…nothing more.

Regarding your situation, I’d say that it is a tough one. I would ask you why you don’t want kids. That statement and the fact that he has a 12 year old daughter don’t mix too well. At that age, she’ll need a mother figure in her life.

Maybe he says that he is not good relationship material because he just wants to be single. I think that it is a discussion that you will have to have with him. Keep it (the feelings) out in the open…otherwise one of you will get hurt. It is easy for one side of a relationship to grow closer and the other remains …’bootycall’ status.

With a child in the situation it has to be all or nothing. You have to fully commit…so make sure you know what you want before discussing it with him.

Southern Sage says: Well it depends on what you want. If you want a relationship and he does not then you are fishin in the wrong pond it seems. Talk to him about it. Ask. If ain't in then know its only for sex. Go when you want him to hit it, get dressed and leave. His perfect scenario is for you to like him a lot and him to be disconnected. Then he can hit it whenever he wants and he can always say "hey I told you this was just about sex."

It would seem to me though that most relationships start with either or both parties not looking for a long term relationship. So it has to start somewhere. I might not usually start yelling "go big Daddy" but some do. So it can go from booty call to love and such.

Good luck.

Sounds to me like he's politely trying to tell you that he's interested in you for an occasional booty call/friends-with-benefits kind of thing. Maybe you're reading too much into the pillow talk? I know you said that his friend said otherwise, but his actions speak louder than his friends words, it seems like.

You say that he's a co-worker but also that he's 2 hrs away. Different offices within the same company? I wonder if the idea of a long-distance relationship isn't what he's looking for and all of this is a cover story.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

It's simple, though I'm afraid it's not the answer you want to hear...he doesn't want a relationship. The conversations could be great and he could make gestures that seem like it's moving towards a relationship, but he told you where he stands. You might be trying to tell yourself that he'll change his mind the more time you spend together and the more you open yourself up to him. But it's unlikely that this is the case. Don't read into him saying he's "not relationship material" or that he "doesn't have time" for a relationship as wishy-washy indicators that he might. Unfortunately, he doesn't.

The fact that he told you this near the beginning rather than hiding it and stringing you along shows his character, which probably makes this all the more difficult for you. It sounds like you're already pretty emotionally invested in him, so please be careful. The worst thing you can do here is to think that you're going to be able to change his mind.

I gotta say that I've been there before...I used to be "that guy" who didn't want a relationship but still loved certain aspects of a relationship.

I wish I could adequately explain why, but looking back I guess I was just immature...that whole "cake & eat it" thing.

This guy likes you...I don't think anybody will really argue that point. I mean, I can't imagine opening myself up too much at all to any of the one-night stands I had back in my 20's, but every once in awhile there was someone I wanted to be with more than just once that I ended up talking to more than others.

Here's the thing: if he's a bit younger and has already been "snipped", then he's really REALLY not looking for anything more at this point. So I guess if you're willing to be "that woman", then I'd say continue to do whatever makes you happy.

Something else may happen or it may not...just don't hold out hope that it will. Enjoy things for what they are and then let the universe guide you.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

1. Someone bit the apple!!!

2> bwhahahaahahha

3. Ha!

4. I wonder if non-chinks can go in there?

5. I dunno if I am buying into all that!

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

6. That is funny right there I don't care who you are!

7. Ummmm yeah.

8. Accccckkkkkk

"I Love You" In 10 Languages


I Love You


Te Amo


Je T'aime


Ich Liebe Dich


Ai Shite Imasu


Ti Amo


Wo Ai Ni


Jag Alskar Dig


As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia ,and North Idahodian

Nice Tits

Caption contest! Give it your best shot.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Captivated by Middle Aged Women

I’ve been getting whiplash lately, from turning my head too quickly when certain woman walk by. No, I’m not talking about hot French women, or the nubile creatures that make for an older men younger women relationship.

I’m talking about middle-aged women. And I’m captivated.

I know, I know, as a middle-aged single parent I should already be chasing women my age. And I do date women within ten years of me, plus or minus. (Ten isn’t so much when you’re an old man like me!) But truthfully, any gorgeous woman will turn a man’s head, no matter her age.

And for some reason, my head is turning in spades for middle-aged women.

It all started when I went to a seamstress’s house to pick up a dress she’d worked on for my teen daughter. The woman who answered the door was late-40s, dark hair with gray streaks, olive skin with wrinkles, and a smile that could warm anyone's heart.

She had a certain confidence about who she was. Like she’d lived a full life, and was totally comfortable in her skin.

The walls of her house were covered with photos of her kids, and it’s clear some of those kids had already graduated high school. Of course, I immediately looked for a ring on her finger, and photos of a man – any sign of a husband.

Alas (for me), she was married.

But I was struck by a spell. And I don’t just mean from this one woman. I mean every woman in her 40s (give or take)

I now check out middle-aged women when I hit the grocery store, in a coffee house, when I’m out running. I’m looking for that sexy confidence, that wisdom, that I’m vibrant and alive and I don’t care what you think about me sort of attitude.

I can’t wait for the next high school sporting event, and not just to cheer on my daughter. I’ll be checking the stands over and over again for the ring-less middle-aged woman who makes me melt.

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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Do What's Easy With OJ

As I sit in front of Tom and Jerry in the other room, working on my latest photos of the newborn, Lilly was trying to give her a bath while our 22 month old was tormenting her with frantic screaming and torturous whining. He wanted to take a bath also. For twenty minutes I bore witness to this scene. And no, I couldn’t pry him away from the bath if I tried, which I did. My wife was pleading with him to stop throwing things, stop crying, to stop acting crazy, and to stop repetitively sliding and banging the glass shower door into the side of her head.

I grabbed some OJ from the fridge, walked into the bathroom singing, ‘OOOOJJJJJJJ……O O O O OJ’. And you know what. He stopped smashing the door into my wife’s head and grabbed the OJ. Sat on the floor next to her and watched our newborn get a bath in relative silence as he slurped it down.

And you know what happened to me? Can you believe what happened to me? I got scolded by the wife because I gave him more OJ. Because a second cup of OJ today was too much. Two is too much OJ. Even in the midst of him being near impossible to handle while Lilly was tending the newborn. OJ, such a simple and benign fix. And yet I was yelled at! Lilly was pleading for me to help, and I helped. I calmed down the raging boy, bringing peace and harmony into our home. And I got yelled at. Need I say, I don’t understand?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Life Is A Mess!!!!

Sorry that I have been away from the whole Twitter and blog thing for the past week…I am just feeling a bit off these days.

Even though my lazy ass is not working right now…I feel run-the-fuck-down. With 6 kids…even the smallest chore, like keeping the house clean is a tough one. But kids aside…I have been spending 10 to 12 hours a week on the Lacrosse field as I was appointed one of the coaches for the new high school lacrosse team. It has been a bit tough as I personally know a handful of the boys and disciplining them has been quite the chore.

On top of that…Mariah was attacked by a pole in a parking lot. Well…the pole did not actually do anything…but it was definitely the pole’s fault.

The puppy is chewing everything and seems to enjoy making a mess.

The guy (a friend) living out back is getting on my last nerve and doing all the right things just as we are about to ask him to leave.

**No pic...Just imagine me puking!!**

Our son Cody had his 15th birthday party with some of his closest pals...and gals.

I have divorce court (again) coming up in about a week and a half.

Basically…I have been feeling like a house-maid with no purpose in life.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest!

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league..'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday

1. I can see that happening!

2. that is a bad day right there, click to big!

3. bwhahahaahahaha


The first man married a woman from Maine. He told her that she was to
do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put

The second man married a woman from Washington. He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By
the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Alabama. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still pees with some difficulty...

4. Y'all eat I'll buy!

5. LOL

6. It isn't? Who knew?
7. I can't think of anyone but me that looks good in one but me!

8. Look everyone I found a good use for Rap cd's!

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be
Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they
are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

***Caption Contest!!! Haaaaaaaaa Give it your best shot!

Dont forget to hit the GIVEAWAY, anyone can enter, taking entries till the 26th!!

Have a big ole Sunday! Pick some faves, try the caption contest, enter the giveaway! Steal whatcha wanna!

Friday, March 12, 2010

How Clean Should a Kids Room Be?

Well those of you that read me at Sageville know that I field and opine on all kinds of questions real regular. Most are relationship or political but often they are from one end of the spectrum to another. I answer the bulk simply by return mail but some I post about because I think other people might have input or gain insight from the post. All questions in mail are private unless I get consent to post it by whoever asked me and they can own it or not.

Well I got this simple question that I thought would be good fodder for a post so let me know what you think.

Before we get to the question I should state my stance on child rearing or training any person or animal. Consistency is the NUMBER ONE key to making this happen with man, child or beast. If an action gets the exact same reaction every time you can train anything. I am strict. I take no shit, ever. I believe it is my charge as a parent to do my damndest to train my children to respect rules and laws, be they of the government, household, school, religion or whatever. It is up to me to make their passage into adulthood easier by training them to know that if they do the right thing and do what they are supposed to do even when nobody is looking then they will do well and will be on the right side of the universe/gods/God/Mohammad/Budda/Yota or Darwin/Obama for you Democrats. I have said this before but if you missed it you can ask my kids and they will tell you what I mean when I ask them politely to do something, they will say "He means right now and for sure, he don't mean later and he damn sure don't mean maybe". And they are of course correct. They will also tell you "He ain't raisin no damn Democrats, we will be responsible for our actions and responsible for our belongings."

Responsibility is the key for the child and consistency is the key for the parent. A wise man said "repetition is the mother of consistency". So we must glean from that that if the the parent repeats the same actions (reward/punishment) then the child should consistently perform to expectation. And they will. So there that is my take now on to the question.

Here was the whole email. From a married woman (sexy of course, I only ever deal with sexy women) that has a few kids tween down in age.

how clean do you think a kids room should be?

I gave my answer and the follow up email said:

thanks. this is where I feel alone. I have no back up on this stuff. nobody to ask about this sort of stuff ... it is " my deal"

Two things to hit here.

#1. The room and how clean.

Here at the Sage's I demand expect my kids (11/6) to have their room straight. I do not expect it to be spic and span. I do expect the things to be in the proper location, board games in the hall closet, Wii games in the basket, clothes put away or in the hamper, toys in their designated location. Shoes in the closet or against the wall. Drawers shut. Orderly. Thats it. I don't expect them to sweep (all hardwood floors in the house) or clean the windows or dust or do any deep cleaning. Their momma does that whenever she feels it needed, with the child that owns the room.

To get this done I have them on a schedule. When they get home from school they do their chores. Then they do their homework, then they can play or whatever it is they do for fun. Then they eat supper. If you think for a second they won't eat if their room isn't clean you have misread me terribly. If you think that my daughter would miss the father daughter annual dance because she didn't do her chores, again you have misread me. Lastly if you think even for a second that I won't call off a non-refundable Disney trip because chores are not completed, you dear reader have absolutely mis read me. These things happen every single day of their life. They cried, threw down in the floor, vomited, peed on themselves, kicked, screamed, hollard, pooped the floor, and their heads spun around the first week or two. And I assure you "this isn't fair" was their favorite term to yell. But after that it became routine and they do it without a battle now.

So I am ok with one toy in the floor, or some things not in there exact proper place but in general the room being straight is enough for me.

#2. No back up.

This is huge for married/shacked up people in my opinion. I expect the bride to back me 100% in front of the kids. (Ok sometimes people call me out because I don't disclaim every damn statement I make because of exceptions, so here a go. If I am being abusive or demanding them to do something that might kill them or harm them physically or mentally or whatever then she, of course, should of course intercede on their behalf) Outside of that she should back me. She should also, outside of my presence back up my assertions and intercede on my behalf to the kids.

"Baby you know your daddy wants you to clean your room so why not do it before he gets home?"

"Baby you know your daddy only makes you clean up to make you a more responsible person so that when you grow up you will understand better how to run your life and that of YOUR family"


And I of course back her 100%. If we disagree we discuss it outside of the presence of the kids and refine our strategy.

Ever heard of "divide and conquer?"
You think a 7 year old isn't smart enough to employ that tactic? If you don't think so then you don't and have never had one.

So dear reader what do you think? How clean should a kids room be? How often should it be clean? How do you get your kid to do it? Do tell.

it is my understanding that some of you fine people have missed out on the awesome giveaway!

Go see what the Real World has going on! I posted here today too I think!

Southern Sage I surely posted here today too, don't miss the great giveaway either!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

At what age can I know this isn't a coincidence?

While reading a bedtime story to my kids, I heard a sucking sound coming from the general vicinity of my 5-year-old son D-. Since he has been known to occasionally nearly destroy clothing and sheets by sucking or chewing on them, I was all over it.

Me: Were you just sucking on your sheet?

D- (innocently): No.

Me: How about your pajamas?

D-: No.

Me: Were you sucking on any of your stuffed animals?

D-: No.

Me: How about your fingers?

D- (short pause, then either coming clean or going for gold in expressing his opinion): ...Yeah-- this one.

Guess which finger he held up to me?

You may also enjoy my previous D- conversations, (3 YO daughter) M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Posted by LiteralDan

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

No Soliciting

For the past month I have been so excited that we finally got into a house, after I have spent the past 10 years in apartments. Sure we don’t own it, but so what. We can walk out the front door and step out onto a huge porch, and what is this, low and behold, grass. Our own mini field of grass. It’s like freeken’ Christmas came early, errr late, whatever. My boy can just run outside and start reaping havoc without having to follow him out, or making sure my door is closed so the drunken neighbors don‘t wander in looking for my alcohol cabinet anymore, or making sure he doesn’t fall down the stairs into the subterranean parking lot, or making sure I remembered my keys so we don’t get locked out of the front gate, or without having to keep an especially close eye on him because if he takes a wrong step he might fall off the 3 foot wide strip of grass we had at the apartment and land in the street, or any other multitude of crappy things that come with living in an apartment with kids.

So with as excited as I have been, it nearly all came crashing down today. My boy is near two, and he is slowly becoming increasingly difficult to put down for a nap. And we have a newborn, need I say more about that and how it affects our sleep. Mid-day, and everyone was lacking sleep and was ready for a nap. The boy was in his room, just finally laid down in his crib after yelling for thirty minutes and trying to climb out. Lilly had just fed the newborn and plopped her head down. And I just fell asleep thirty seconds earlier, during the latest episode of The Misadventures of Flapjack. When the doorbell rang, and rang, and rang. I could see my boy jump up in his crib through the monitor, and start yelling again. The newborn started stirring, then threw up. Lilly cursed and her bloodshot eyes creaked open. And I opened my eyes back to Flapjack. One dam doorbell, and the entire family was awake, just like that. Then I heard two woman cackling like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off on the front porch. For nearly three whole minutes as we all lay there in bed waiting for them to disappear, they were talking so loud I could hear them all the way to the back of the house through my bedroom door. I walked to the front room and stared at them through the crease in the blinds, and waited for them to leave. Later I noticed they left a pamphlet on the mat which was advertising a local city councilman’s fireside meeting at a neighbors house. Who the hell cares about local politics when we have babies that have kept us up all night you dumb bitches!

So, houses suck. I want an apartment where no one can get in to ring my dam doorbell. I now know why old people have those ‘no soliciting’ signs on their door where the knocker should be. It’s because when they were young and had kids, they got sick and tired of people ringing their bell and waking everyone up, and since the sign worked, they just left it. I’m getting me a no soliciting sign. Hopefully it will keep the girl scouts away too, because I would rather choke on a stick of red sidewalk chalk than try to get down one of those dry, powdery concoctions. And I’ll be damned if they try and pitch me a box of those while my boy’s naptime comes around. Dammit. Ar.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I am ... On the ball

I am going to start by saying that I am a firm believer in organization, preparedness and all around just having my shit together.

With the kids in school and the house quite during the day...I thought that I’d get back into the swing of our ‘school year schedule.’ The kids are gone from 8AM until about 4 every day and we finally have time to get things done. Well… at least that is what is supposed to happen. Between our work, after school sports, homework, play dates and our (collectively) new addiction to the blogosphere, shit is still slipping through the cracks.

While grocery shopping the other day, I seem to have forgotten to buy cereal. When I noticed this last night, I went into “the back up storage” to fetch a box to put into the kitchen pantry. Smiling to myself, I was pleased with my preparedness…I actually HAD back-up. I rock…and the kids will eat some tasty Kellogg’s Honey Smacks!!!

13 year old Cody walked into the kitchen this morning to grab some cereal for breakfast and then he looked over at me and said, “ Um…I think this cereal is…a bit old.” I looked over at him, expecting to explain that they are NOT old and that if he wants breakfast…just to eat them. I did not say that…All I could do was laugh. Actually I burst into laughter…after spitting a bit of coffee across the room.

This is what Cody showed me.

Right...that cereal is OUT OF ITS BAG.

I guess one needs to be careful in what items go into the “back-up storage.”

What a great start to my day!!!!
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