Friday, December 24, 2010

Best Christmas Present

When all you want for Christmas is to be together as a family again.

Merry Christmas everyone!


Trooper Thorn

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Santa Is A Real Asshole

This Christmas, I've been accepting comments on my most recent post where I'll add one dollar to my contribution towards The Make A Wish Foundation in memory of a young boy I knew, only shortly, who changed my life. Please feel free to stop by and make a comment.


It's Christmas again and once again we're bombarded with Christmas music. Have you ever really listened to the Christmas song “I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus”? Allow me to indulge you for a moment:

Christmas toys all over the place
Little Shelby wears a funny smile on his face
Shelby has a secret
And the secret he must share
He wants to tell somebody
So he tells his teddy bear

I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then, I saw Mama tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mama kissing Santa Claus last night

Okay… so… this song was written in 1952… times were much more innocent back then. I realize that “Santa Claus” is probably “Daddy” dressed up as Santa but if you are to take this song literally… it makes this whole situation seem ripe for the Jerry Springer show.

First of all, if you don’t realize the playful nature of this song and that Shelby is probably just peeking in on his dad and mom kissing under the mistletoe you might accidentally think that Mama is cheating on Daddy with this old, fat, hairy bastard.

Santa should never be trusted to be alone with your wife

Despite the fact that this song was written over 50 years ago… there’s still something deeply disturbing about it! All of us listening to it might say, “Oh! Ha, I get it!! Shelby is actually just seeing his Dad and Mom have a sweet Christmas Eve kiss! He’s just misunderstanding what’s really going on! How cute!”

Well let me tell you something people… Shelby actually thinks his Mom is getting it on with SANTA CLAUS while Daddy is (more than likely) asleep!! And he thinks Daddy would have laughed about it!! I’ll tell you what I would have done if I had gotten out of bed to find my wife mugging down and “tickling the beard” of some random fat dude in our house… I’d have collapsed his frontal lobe with the nearest blunt object I could find.

What happens after Shelby creeps back to bed? Does he lay there and worry about if he should tell Daddy or not? Does he pray that his Mom and Dad don’t get divorced because Dad can’t “clean her chimney” like Santa can? Does he cover his head with his pillow to muffle the sound of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho’s” and Mama’s “Oh-oh-oh’s”?

What kind of light does this song shed on Santa? It makes him sound like a real slut. He gets one night a year away from Mrs. Claus and apparently he takes the opportunity to get his game on. Mrs. Claus thinks he’s off spreading good will. Well... I'm here to tell you Mrs. Claus that that's not the only thing he's spreading.

Anyway… I think the song is a little dated for where our world is at this point in time. Santa should stick with gifts and stockings… not Mama’s fun bags.

Santa’s been pulling the wool (in more ways than one) over our eyes for years…


Come visit me at my home: Who Is Papa K.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

His & Her Gifts

Last week Beth had asked the Hot Dad's for a post about least favorite gifts we have received. I can't say I have received any I didn't like. Christmas (and birthdays) have always been hard for me as I'm uncomfortable receiving gifts. I really enjoy the holiday, the family, the traditions and giving, but I'm awkward about receiving gifts. I'd just as soon not get anything, and if you must, then beer always fits.

After my ex and I spilt up, there were a few Christmases when I thought we were "working it out" when the gifts she provided didn't seem like there had been much thought. However, even when she gave me a big box of returned gifts (included paintings I had done for her), I didn't give back her dismissive gifts.

As for suggestions to help your Christmases, I have posted over at Dogs and Jeans this season, so you are welcome to check it out:

Thursday, December 16, 2010

12 Creepy Days of Giving

In preparation for a posting about worst gifts given, I thought I'd share a hilarious posting from Dale Dobson at Cracked magazine. I only wish I could post something this clever here or at Dogs and Jeans.

Ladies, wouldn't you all swoon if you received the 12 Days of Christmas from Christopher Walken?

The First Day
The partridge, the pear tree. I trust both have arrived safely on this First Day of Christmas. The partridge, unfortunately, required mounting for shipping. Taxidermy. I had to strangle the poor bird with my own two hands. Sometimes small cruelties must be tolerated for the greater holiday good in this case, pears.

The Second Day
May the two beautiful turtle doves, enclosed, enliven your Second Day of Christmas. I have recorded their mournful songs on a compact disc, also enclosed, so you will understand why I found it necessary to smother them. These birds these birds could drive you fucking crazy.

The Third Day
The three French hens have been prepared and dressed for oven or broiler, as you will. But the holiday fun does not stop there, my friend. I have removed the heads myself. With an axe. And I have decorated them, festively, as Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus. Please, enjoy.

The Fourth Day
Fourth Day. Four calling birds. Listen. Are they calling? No. But the silence is, in its own way, a kind of Christmas.

The Fifth Day
I have taken special care to select the five golden rings, enclosed, because I know you treasure the better things in life. Four are from the world's finest jewelers. The fifth was my grandfather's. It is of special sentimental value to me, because I had to exhume his corpse to retrieve it. An unfortunate bureaucratic slipup, by an unfortunate fucking bureaucrat.

The Sixth Day
On this Sixth Day of Christmas, six geese sit a-laying on your front lawn. Eggs. I have always admired these elegant, graceful white waterfowl. It saddens me that the hatchlings will not emerge before I send workmen to burn the nests.

The Seventh Day
On the Seventh Day, God rested. But the seven swans presently a-swimming in your pool do not rest. They will not climb out of the water, nor will they stop moving. Why? Because the lead weights I have tied to their legs, the amphetamines in their feed, assure you of a full day of Christmas entertainment.

The Eighth Day
The small American dairy farm has, tragically, disappeared forever. Therefore, most of the eight maids a-milking appear courtesy of the good people at La Leche League, to whom I have made a generous donation in your name. For the remainder, I have called in a personal favor from the publisher of Lactating Mamas magazine. Distasteful. But it is, after all, Christmas.

The Ninth Day
Nine. Ladies, Dancing. Nine sterling examples, one might think, of the female form in motion. But who is that tall, strikingly handsome woman in green? It is I, Christopher Walken. In Peter Pan drag.

The Tenth Day
On this, the Tenth Day of our Christmas adventure, the ten lords a-leaping represent every walk of American street life. The gambler, the bookmaker, the dealer and the junkie. The ambitious gangster, the implacable crime lord, and the common thug. The crooked cop, the arsonist, and the con man. Their nimble hops, always one step ahead of Johnny Law, are what the season is all about. Merry Christmas.

The Eleventh Day
Eleventh Day. Eleven pipers. Piping. Not a-piping, mind you. But piping hot. Like soul-searing New Orleans jazz. Like a boiling glass of absinthe. Like me. Happy Holidays.

The Twelfth Day
On this Twelfth Day, I am filled with ennui. Twelve drummers, merely drumming; too easy, perhaps. Which is why I have, at great personal risk, imported drums made from human skin. They produce a sound like no other; the sound of a tiny bamboo cage in a fetid jungle prison, where hope dies anew with each cruel dawn. It's the sound of pain, frustration and disappointment. The sound of Christmas.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ho Ho Ho Holiday Dating Do's & Don'ts

Last week, KittyCat asked for some Hot Dads Advice on Dating During the Holidays. Never let it be said that Hot Dads are not givers. So for you KittyCat, and all the other readers, here are some simple Do's and Don'ts to help you through the season without hospitalization or a restraining order.

Do: Recognize that expectations may be raised at Christmas: For many women, The holidays are a time when being single can put added pressure on dating. This pressure can amplify the situation and speed up normal dating time lines. Be aware that a simple coffee meeting might be analyzed from her perspective as an "interview" for being a potential date to an office party or even Hanukkah supper with her family.

Don't: Show up for a first date with your suitcase packed and demand she get rid of her cat on account of your allergies.

Do: Behave yourself at the office Christmas party. In this age of political correctness and sexual harassment, the office party is a mine field of potential work issues for the new year. Enjoy the social atmosphere of conversation and refreshments with your co-workers, keep your hands to yourself and don't be the last person to leave.

Don't: Get drunk and finally confess to Rhonda in Purchasing she's "stacked but not fat, but in a good way," and tell your female regional manager "she is really attractive when she's not being a ball breaker!"

Do: Show interest in her celebration traditions. From decorating the Christmas Tree to lighting the menorah, most faiths have events they hold special. If you are lucky enough to be in
vited to attend such a celebration with her, be respectful and engaged.

Don't: Ask her to participate in your annual online Feast Of The An'kora'na Beast in World of Warcraft.

Do: Expect an increase in her emotions. Whether it's unpleasant memories of a "Christmas Gone Wrong" or the thought she won't see her sister this year, even a happy moment can open a floodgate of tears. Sometimes the holidays can seem like three weeks of egg nod induced PMS. But just be patient and understanding and she'll appreciate your time even more when she has stopped.

Don't: Tell her to hang on and you'll talk about it during the next commercial after Chevy Chase falls off the roof.

Do: Curb your generosity. If you just started dating, there is no expectation to give a gift. A card, flowers and a heartfelt admission you feel happy to spend this time of year with her will go along way.

Don't: Give her diamonds, airline tickets or a kidney.

Do: Give her some some time to prepare for New Year's Eve. The movies make a last minute invitation to the best party seem like the most romantic thing ever. However, in practice, it's is not a recipe for a love connection. Ask for her time at least three days before (more is better). A woman wants to have enough time to plan her outfit, hair, nails etc and also to think about you feeling that sense of anticipation of seeing her all dolled up.

Don't: Take your date to your ex's New Years Eve party to make her jealous that you are kissing someone else at midnight.

For more helpful advice, be sure to visit Trooper Thorn at Dogs and Jeans

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Don't Be A Grinch, Hot Dad!

I am very disappointed the Hot Dads. With less than 3 weeks to Christmas, there has been not one post from any of you on the agony or ecstasy of the season. With the compliment of experienced (translation: "broken") men on our posting list, I would have expected several blogs by now discussing:
  • crummy gifts
  • parents
  • mistaken trysts at office parties
  • ex wives causing troublelamentations on the weather
  • in-laws
  • excessive decorations
  • keeping kids believing
  • dating in December
You know, general 'What's Up With The Holidays?" posts from a man's point of view.

Maybe we all need to get in the spirit. Therefore, as a follow up to my posting last week at Dogs and Jeans on the subject of The Grinch, here are some demotivational posters. Get blogging guys before your are visited by three ghosts!

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