Monday, May 23, 2011

Family Unfriendly Block Party

Block parties in my neighborhood are not really kid friendly. Not when one of the dads walks around with two bottles of whiskey forcing shots on any innocent bystander he can find, and the older kidless generations of neighbors have a few kegs on ice in the middle of the street, and the random groups of single middle aged roughian types who swap each other on any given night, are so piss drunk they can barely speak a coherent thought, and all the parents of the twelve plus kids under 6yo that I hang out with, either yell at their kids for well, just being kids doing what kids do, or are tossing back shots or chugging a 50/50 margarita blend, and scream obscenities at each other because they just think it's funny to do while being drunk around all the kids that are just barely within earshot.

I know I know, some of you are thinking that I am just getting old and prun...udish. Maybe, maybe. But also, maybe they just suck. Maybe parents need to get a fucken clue. Maybe some parents need to learn, yes learn, because they obviously don't know, when it is okay to bring your kids out in public. Because the way I now see it, it is not okay to drag your kids around as you and everyone around you are getting piss drunk. I'm not talking about having a drink or two with a couple friends. I am talking about an entire steet drinking untill they are stupid. Tossing back the sauce the way the rest of us did in college. Prior to kids. When we didn't have to worry about our small children running around wild in the streets as we, well do the same thing. When we didn't have to be coherent at night to put our kids safely to bed. When we didn't have to hold our temper. Because when a 4 year old girl doesn't want to share her doll, there really is no reason to smack her on the ass and scream bloody murder in her face. Unless of course, if your shitfaced, because then, apparently it is okay.

So I left. Grabbed my kids, and my sober self, and walked away. There are times and places when it is simply not okay to have the kids in tow. Just because most people are doing it. Just because some parents think they are putting on a family event in the neighborhood, or a family playgroup every friday evening at someones house, does not mean it's okay to drink yourself into a stupor and bring your kids along for the ride. I realize I may be irritating some of you, I know most people drink and have no problem drinking heavily around their kids. I know this, because nearly everyone in my neighborhood does it. And of course, I used to be an alcohalic. But I just don't think it's okay. And I have vowed to myself that when the parents start getting drunk, we will leave. I fear that eventually, as my 3 and 1 year old get older, I will simply stop hanging out with the other families in the neighborhood once any alcohal comes out. I'll do it, for the sake of my kids. They deserve it.

Maybe that doesn't make me a Hot Dad. Maybe. But just like I believe it shows a sign of strength to be able to cry in front of someone. It is also a strength to set healthy boundaries for my family. And to not be afraid to walk away from a playgroup when many of the adults are acting more wreckless than their young kids. It is okay to not go with the flow, to not do what everyone else is doing. It's okay when it benefits my family and protects my kids.

I was an alcohalic. I drank and smoked myself stupid for several years. So I wonder this. Sometime in the future, I have no doubt that several of these parents I hang out with in my neighborhood will eventually realize they have a drinking problem. And when they do, they will look back and be racked with guilt and embarresment at all the social family neighborhood events they were plastered at. At all the times they were piss drunk in front of their kids, and thought they were having fun along with everyone else. Of course, right now if I speek up, they will mock me. They will look at me and resent the fact that I don't think it's okay to get plastered at our playgroups. So I will hold my tounge. And I will laugh when they finally realize it for themselves. I discovered this truth several years ago. Everyone eventually does. When will they? Untill then, I will simply distance myself from them.

"Ahhh, so that's where my nuts went."

Friday, May 13, 2011

Breasts Make Men Healthier

* This post is endorsed by the Bus Doctor.
Now it's scientifically proven! This is the best day ever!

Thanks to our friends at The Chive

For more information, both breast and non-breast alike, visit Dogs and Jeans.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

He Called Me A What?

"That's a pyramid." I pointed out to the boy as we watched the opening scene to Despicable Me. As we do nearly every day.

"'re ahh ack."


"Uer ahhn cack?" He repeated, while trying to keep his eys on the movie, but still tilting his head my way while affording me a slight glance.

That last one got my attention, as I staired at him as if asking to repeat what he said in a more coherent form of the phrase. But I felt certain I had understood but wanted clarification. And yes, it was just as I thought.

"You're on crack." He said then went back to Despicable.

Yep, that's what our 3yo just told me. And with conviction, as if it is an irrefutable fact. Simply put, I am a crack head. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. Dang dude, I wouldn't expect to hear that sort of thing out of him untill he was at least, I don't know, 4 or 4.5.

I blame all the alcoholics we hang out with down the street for that little gem. What, you think I go around the house tellimg my kids their on crack? Well, sometimes I feel they may be, but I wouldn't tell them that. Where else would he have heard it? My parents house? Yeah, I can see it now, my mom lecturing me about why I need to dedicate my life to her latest alternative medicine treatments, and my dad bitching about why people suck and how his dogs are smarter and more human than everyone, while at the same time throwing out sayings like 'you're a crack head'. Our alcoholic play group, yep. They did it damnit. Yes, nearly every parent in our neighboorhood is an alchy. You should hear some of the things that slip from their intoxicated mouths while the kids are all frollicking around. Small kids and alcohal don't really go together. Someone needs to tell tham that.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Hot Dad Recovers

I haven’t been blogging much these past few months, mainly because I was in a car accident (whiplash, concussion, and car was totaled). I simply haven’t had the time or energy. Plus I feel like crap (light-headed, tired, achy) if I don’t hold my neck and head in the absolute perfect position. Staring at a computer is hard work. No joke! (Though you can feel free to make jokes. I have thick skin. Just not thick enough to hold my friggin head, neck, and shoulders in a position that doesn’t hurt. But I’m working on it.)

So what have I been doing? Here’s my

Top 5 ways I’ve spent my time while recovering:

5) Sleeping!!! – sleep truly is the great elixir. If I work up enough energy to ride my beach cruiser, I sleep like a baby that night.

4) Physical therapy – my therapist is helping me re-learn how to move correctly. First I had to get my flexibility back. Now I’m working on strength. No, not Popeye arm strength or WWE steroid strength. Simply enough back strength to help me keep a posture that doesn’t hurt my f**ing neck!

3) Eating – I’ve always cooked and eaten well to fuel my sports, and now I’m cooking and eating well to fuel my recovery. Of course, I don’t eat as much as I used to, since I’m not burning three-zillion calories a day. But I have a hungry and growing teen son who is starting to lap me at the dinner table, so everything is getting eaten.

2) Working – my ass off, whenever I'm not sleeping. I actually started an iPhone app development company last fall, and over the winter built an iPhone alarm clock app that totally rocks (IMHO). Now I'm plugging it to the press (and plugging it here!) I’ll blog about it in detail later, after its gotten some reviews. (If you're curious, here's the iTunes app store link to the alarm clock app. The screens are gorgeous, so take a peek. I won't go into features, lest my shameless self-promotion incite a Hot Dads riot. But rest assured, the features rock, too! Haha.)

1) More sleep! See points 2, 3, and 4 above. I need my rest.

Looking over this list, I realize it reads sort of like a vacation planner to-do list. So here’s my

Top 5 Ways for a Hot Dad to Spend Vacation:

5) Sleep! Preferably on the beach or in a hammock

4) Physical therapy – of the bedroom variety with a hot girlfriend (I’m divorced) or hot wife (for the married guys). Of course, tennis, golf, cycling, swimming, diving are all physical therapies too. So is couch sex.

3) Eating - all you can eat buffets cooked by an executive chef in a resort or cruise ship are perfect on vacation. So is fine dining in a high-end restaurant, or slumming it on the street from an ethnic food truck. As long as someone else cooks, it’s all good.

2) Working – on your tennis swing, golf swing, fishing cast, sailboat mastery, etc. You get the point.

1) More sleep!

Now then, if only I was recovering from my car accident in Spain or Greece or Hawaii, with a gorgeous woman taking care of me, I’d be set…

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

No More Savings!

I have had it with GroupOn and Swarm Jam! What seemed like a cool idea two months ago, now drives me nuts. Everyday my email inbox is filled up with offers for crap I don't need!

"Want 59% off the price of a panoramic wall mural?" NO!

"Don't miss out on 60% off photo finishing!" Just watch me!

"37% off pedicure - only $195!" Nobody's feet are worth $195!

"High end jewelry at 60% off!" Leave me alone!

When I first signed up, they had coupons for useful stuff like oil changes, home repair and local restaurants. Now it's all crummy offers from places that wouldn't even get space in the Pennysaver.

Is this just my neighbourhood or is anyone else experiencing this?

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