Friday, April 1, 2011

More Advice From The Bus Doctor

Lately the advice I have been dispensing on my morning rides has not been as interesting as in the past. Mostly rashes, weeping sores and hallucinations. And that's just the driver! Bah-dum-cha! But seriously, there hasn't been anything noteworthy to share with you fine readers.

However this morning someone left a copy of Men's Health on the seat and I had a glance through. Lot's of great recipes, exercises and pics of gals in their underpants. However I did take exception to some of the advice handed out by their "Experts". I thought I'd share my thoughts on these pressing questions:

"How does my body build muscle?" from Ryan in Ocala, FL
The expert goes on a  long winded explanation of myofibrils, sarcoplasm and the role of resistance training. However the real answer to a great physique is beer and hot dogs. Did you ever see a picture of Babe Ruth? Now there was a guy with Adonis DNA and he never lifted a weight in his life. So my advice to you Ryan is pick up a six pack of Schlitz and fire up the grill!

"What's the best way to banish bad breath?" from Deepak in Concord, MA.
Again way too much blather about plaque and gum disease. You want a kissable mouth Deepak? Lay off the Indian food!

"What are some red flags auditors are looking for on my tax return?" from Eric in Taos, NM
I won't even bother going into what the experts said because even as a doctor I know enough tax law to know your first mistake is in filing a tax return. Eric, they can't audit you if you never get on 'The List". Just remain in your converted tool shed in the woods and wait it out until the coming revolution, Comrade.

"I've heard all the dangers of cellphones, but what about my WiFi network at home?" from Michael in Brooklyn, NY.
The expert advice was pretty much on the money that wireless signals likely don't pose any cancer threat. However, living anywhere near New York, or other big cities like LA, Dallas, Chicago etc. you are so exposed to multiple forms of radiation, both terrestrial and alien, that I recommend wearing a ball cap lined with tinfoil at all times.

"When my kids play an April Fools' joke, should I fall for it" from Juan in Dallas, TX
Again the experts are correct that playing along teaches kids valuable lessons about a sense of humor and being a good sport. However, they fall short by not recommending you escalate the payback. If your kids"salt" your morning coffee, you spike their Cheerios with lock-washers. If they tie your shoe-laces together, you stick a broom handle in their bicycle spokes. Now that's good family fun!

"Sex addiction is a joke, right? Aren't we all addicted?" from Ben in Sedona, AZ
I was busy masturbating by this time so I don't know what the experts advised.

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