Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Bus Doctor Is In

I’m not a doctor by training, but I do provide an abundance of medical expertise to people on the bus each day. As a Public Service, I thought I’d pass on some of the frequently asked questions to help the readers of Hot Dads.

“How much blood in my stool is too much”
This is a difficult question to answer without a full patient history. Do they subject themselves to repeated kidney blows in bar fights? Do they have bad oral hygiene that causes excessive gum bleeding? Are they vampires? Usually I suggest they cut beets out of their diet and see if the problem clears up.

“Should it hurt when I do this?”
Yes, but you look incredible when you do so don’t stop.

“I’d like to reduce my risk for heart disease, but am worried about the side effects of blood thinners. What are the other options?”
This is an excellent question as many people cannot afford the high cost of medications such as Lipitor and Digitalis. While some street medicos are on the Warfarin bandwagon (some going so far as to chew on poisoned rats), I advocate changing your lifestyle as the best approach. Stop smoking, watch your diet and get plenty of exercise. Unfortunately these are the same people least likely to exercise which is why I always carry a container of cat urine to dump on them. Then I alert the bus driver that this person has peed themselves. They don’t thank me when they are ordered off the bus before their stops, but I know their heart will in time.

“Does this look infected?”
Don’t let your eyes fool you. Many people mistake dirty fingers and toes for infection. The real telltale to an infected appendage is the smell. If even you can’t stand to be in the same room as your hands or feet, go to a hospital immediately. But it’s not all bad news. Some new research has shown that amputated digits can grow back with a simple compress of talcum powder and lemon juice. And when I say “new research” I mean a dream I had last week after eating too much Mexican food.

“I think I’ve been impregnated by aliens. What should I do?”
The start of new life is almost always a cause for celebration. For a woman, the feeling of a something growing inside her, whether a human baby or a many tentacled zygote from another galaxy, can be the fulfillment of a childhood dream.

However, if you are a man and you believe that you have been abducted, probed and fertilized while unconscious, I usually recommend getting rid of it before it grows so large, it rips you apart. Often exposure to hours high pitched shrieking found on TV shows like “Rosanne”, “The Nanny” and “Sex and the City” is enough to drive the foetus back to it’s own dimension.


dadshouse said...

LMAO. This is funny. Do you charge a bus token for your troubles, doctor?

btw, if anyone needs more blood-leaking beet juice in their stools, here's how to cook beets: http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/06/18/how-to-cook-beets/

ZenMom said...

See, this is why I <3 you. You are just all about the silver linings. When life gives you a public transportation system, you give us a belly laugh. ;)

Keith Wilcox said...

The smell is always a tip off! Where do you think of these things :-)

Barefoot Dreamer said...

*shaking head

Why not, why not mess with people. When we would go on vacations with the family my brothers and I would make up the most far fetched stories to tell the other kids (we typically camped our way across states) the challenge was to make them believable enough but still ridiculous!

So, yes- mess with people. Plus, no malpractice suits!

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I gotta start riding the bus more.

TentCamper said...

OK reaers....now this is why I state that by reading this blog you WILL be showered with uncomprehendable and powerful wisdom.

Maybe we should do a doctor segment....cuz, as I often tell Mariah, "Trust me...I am a doctor."

TentCamper said...

I forgot the "D" in readers. sorry bout that. You know...doctor's shorthand

Missty said...

I need to get out more. Who knew there was such wisdom on riding a city bus?

Off to check the bus schedule out, and to think of some probing questions. lol

T said...


That is greatness, right there.

If only I could think that quickly. I'd be too busy trying to look away - LOOK AWAY!!


Danielle said...

Um Doc, I think there is something wrong with you!

Trooper Thorn said...

dadshouse: I don't charge, but I do make people sit on my lap while we discuss their ailment. I'm like a clinical Santa.

ZenMom: Thank you. As the Buddha said: Life is those moments when you are waiting to transfer to the cross-town line.

Keith: Once you have spent a week waiting for rescue high in the Andes Mountains with the rest of the soccer team, you don't forget the smell.

Barefoot Dreamer: Fool people?! I can't abandon my Hippocratic oath. Although it's not so much a Hippocratic oath as it is a placemat from Denny's I drew a smiley face on.

Daddy Geek Boy: Better check with your parole officer first.

Tent Camper: I'd be happy to take health questions from readers, if that's what you mean.

Missty: I'll keep an eye out for you. And I'll wipe the seat.

T: We have all been staring at you.

Danielle: I believe trying to diagnose the doctor indicates a deep psychological problem. Care to discuss it?

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