“How much blood in my stool is too much”
This is a difficult question to answer without a full patient history. Do they subject themselves to repeated kidney blows in bar fights? Do they have bad oral hygiene that causes excessive gum bleeding? Are they vampires? Usually I suggest they cut beets out of their diet and see if the problem clears up.
“Should it hurt when I do this?”
Yes, but you look incredible when you do so don’t stop.
“I’d like to reduce my risk for heart disease, but am worried about the side effects of blood thinners. What are the other options?”
This is an excellent question as many people cannot afford the high cost of medications such as Lipitor and Digitalis. While some street medicos are on the Warfarin bandwagon (some going so far as to chew on poisoned rats), I advocate changing your lifestyle as the best approach. Stop smoking, watch your diet and get plenty of exercise. Unfortunately these are the same people least likely to exercise which is why I always carry a container of cat urine to dump on them. Then I alert the bus driver that this person has peed themselves. They don’t thank me when they are ordered off the bus before their stops, but I know their heart will in time.
“Does this look infected?”
Don’t let your eyes fool you. Many people mistake dirty fingers and toes for infection. The real telltale to an infected appendage is the smell. If even you can’t stand to be in the same room as your hands or feet, go to a hospital immediately. But it’s not all bad news. Some new research has shown that amputated digits can grow back with a simple compress of talcum powder and lemon juice. And when I say “new research” I mean a dream I had last week after eating too much Mexican food.
“I think I’ve been impregnated by aliens. What should I do?”
The start of new life is almost always a cause for celebration. For a woman, the feeling of a something growing inside her, whether a human baby or a many tentacled zygote from another galaxy, can be the fulfillment of a childhood dream.
However, if you are a man and you believe that you have been abducted, probed and fertilized while unconscious, I usually recommend getting rid of it before it grows so large, it rips you apart. Often exposure to hours high pitched shrieking found on TV shows like “Rosanne”, “The Nanny” and “Sex and the City” is enough to drive the foetus back to it’s own dimension.