Santa Is A Real Asshole

This Christmas, I've been accepting comments on my most recent post where I'll add one dollar to my contribution towards The Make A Wish Foundation in memory of a young boy I knew, only shortly, who changed my life. Please feel free to stop by and make a comment.

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It's Christmas again and once again we're bombarded with Christmas music. Have you ever really listened to the Christmas song “I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus”? Allow me to indulge you for a moment:

Christmas toys all over the place
Little Shelby wears a funny smile on his face
Shelby has a secret
And the secret he must share
He wants to tell somebody
So he tells his teddy bear
I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then, I saw Mama tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mama kissing Santa Claus last night

Okay… so… this song was written in 1952… times were much more innocent back then. I realize that “Santa Claus” is probably “Daddy” dressed up as Santa but if you are to take this song literally… it makes this whole situation seem ripe for the Jerry Springer show.

First of all, if you don’t realize the playful nature of this song and that Shelby is probably just peeking in on his dad and mom kissing under the mistletoe you might accidentally think that Mama is cheating on Daddy with this old, fat, hairy bastard.



Santa should never be trusted to be alone with your wife

Despite the fact that this song was written over 50 years ago… there’s still something deeply disturbing about it! All of us listening to it might say, “Oh! Ha, I get it!! Shelby is actually just seeing his Dad and Mom have a sweet Christmas Eve kiss! He’s just misunderstanding what’s really going on! How cute!”

Well let me tell you something people… Shelby actually thinks his Mom is getting it on with SANTA CLAUS while Daddy is (more than likely) asleep!! And he thinks Daddy would have laughed about it!! I’ll tell you what I would have done if I had gotten out of bed to find my wife mugging down and “tickling the beard” of some random fat dude in our house… I’d have collapsed his frontal lobe with the nearest blunt object I could find.

What happens after Shelby creeps back to bed? Does he lay there and worry about if he should tell Daddy or not? Does he pray that his Mom and Dad don’t get divorced because Dad can’t “clean her chimney” like Santa can? Does he cover his head with his pillow to muffle the sound of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho’s” and Mama’s “Oh-oh-oh’s”?

What kind of light does this song shed on Santa? It makes him sound like a real slut. He gets one night a year away from Mrs. Claus and apparently he takes the opportunity to get his game on. Mrs. Claus thinks he’s off spreading good will. Well... I'm here to tell you Mrs. Claus that that's not the only thing he's spreading.

Anyway… I think the song is a little dated for where our world is at this point in time. Santa should stick with gifts and stockings… not Mama’s fun bags.



Santa’s been pulling the wool (in more ways than one) over our eyes for years…

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Come visit me at my home: Who Is Papa K.

The smallest utterance of politics makes my brain shut down into a lifeless, steaming pile of toad poop.

I can't get into it. I can't get passionate about it. It doesn't interest me.

I know, as an American born American, I should... but I simply cannot.

All I know is that no one is ever going to agree on anything. In a perfect world there would be no arguments, there wouldn't be any Republican or Democratic parties, there would be no Hillary Clinton and we would all have nothing to argue about.

I know... boring, right?

Although, I have to admit, I was slightly interested in seeing if "Prop 19" would pass. For those of you who don't know, Prop 19 was a ballot initiative to legalize marijuana (aka pot, dope, Mary Jane, ganja, giggleweed, reefer, bud, cryptonite, doobie, grass, hocus pocus, happy backy, rainy day woman, wackytabacky, pretendica, etc.) in the state of California.



California's Future Governor: The Honorable Mr. Snoop Dogg

It didn't pass.

Honestly, I was going to be really surprised if it did pass... even for California!

I couldn't even imagine the drove of patchouli-soaked hippies that would move to California to bask in the glow of the legalization of marijuana. Perhaps that's why California residents voted to keep it illegal? I mean... who likes the smell of patchouli other than dirty hippies right?! (Sorry Matt)

Anyway, as someone who's *cough cough* never smoked wackytabacky myself *cough cough*... ahem... I'm a little under the weather (or am I?) I apologize... what was I saying? Oh yeah, in my humble opinion I don't think it's a good idea to legalize it because of the sheer chaos it would cause.

"But Papa K, marijuana is much safer than alcohol!" You might say, "No one has ever died from smoking too much pot!"

It's true, no one has overdosed from inhaling too much cannabis... they just become incredibly stupid. Nothing irritates me more than someone who is high. While the recipient of the head change is on another planet, his or her surrounding peers have to put up with the idiocy of his or her actions.

Can you imagine how long it would take to get through the check-out line at Wal-Mart when the checker is as high as a hot air balloon?

What if the person driving in the lane next to you just sucked down a whole blunt and their idea of exiting the highway is to change lanes by smashing through your luxury Sedan? I don't think you or I would have much sympathy for someone after picking ourselves out of a ditch on the side of the road to find out the reason they ran you off the road was because their sensory skills were inhibited by the giggleweed!

Yet... I have some sympathy for the "legalize marijuana" advocates. I see Marijuana, as with EVERYTHING, in excess is too much. Too much beer is bad, too much ice cream is bad, too much sex is bad (well... not that bad), too much of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen is bad and too much pot is bad. Now, if you could GUARANTEE some resiliency on the part of those who want to smoke a little Mary-Jane and limit their intake only to times when they're out of harms way or not in a position to severely affect every one elses busy schedules... then fine. But it wouldn't be that way because Americans like to abuse their privilages.

I could go on and on. The argument between smokers and non-smokers will carry on much like arguments about capital punishment, prayer in schools and whether or not Elena Kagan is a man.



Sir... ah... Ma'am... uh... hey you!

Whatever the case may be, I honestly don't have a problem with people who want to smoke an occasional doobie much in the same way I don't have a problem with someone who wants to have a few drinks. The problem is how many dirty hippies would abuse their right to smoke pot free and clear. While this would increase profits for those who invest in IHOP, Denny's and Waffle House it would also increase the amount of one-sided ass whippings given to smoked-out hippies that fried the final nerve of many clear-minded individuals.

So, with that, thank God Prop 19 didn't pass.

That's what I think... what do you think?

BTW - I didn't inhale.

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Come visit me at my home: Who Is Papa K.