Stuff I Learned From My Teens (and I Wish I Hadn't)

Over the weekend, my two teenage sons taught me some sexual lingo I had never heard of. The circumstances for how this conversation came about are irrelevant but once the door was opened with a description of "felching", it was a rush by each of them to share their knowledge of the slang for acts so bizarre, I couldn't help but listen.

Now, I was never the most adventurous fornicator in my youth and that has not changed into adulthood. There are a handful of basic positions that seem to do the job in the Pleasure Department. I have never had the desire to "experiment" to any great degree but, while not being a prude, I don't deny the right of others to practice whatever they want as long as it does no harm to their partner.

Furthermore, I had no reason to believe either boy had any direct experience with any the following but their enthusiasm was matched only by my revulsion as they described:

• felching: The act of sucking semen from your partner's anus
• dirty sanchez: The act of wiping your partner's fecal matter across her upper lip
• donkey punch: The act of punching your partner in the back of the head while penetrating anally, thereby increasing the force of the anal contractions
• rusty trombone: The act of analingus by while masturbating your partner (mimicking the slide of a trombone with the penis)

As you might guess, the language above is my translation of their description. Once I learned that these acts even exist (and can never unlearn) I had to wonder how a practice I cold never imagine in the first place was common enough to even have a nickname? Should I have come up with any of these, and had the guts to suggest trying it to my partner, I would certainly never share it with the outside world.

However, it would seem that not only are there enough people "doing" them, they occur enough to give them a nickname. Rather than say "He, I took dump on my girlfriend's chest last night," a person need only say " I did a Cleveland Steamer on my girlfriend."

Am I the only one surprised by this?

Read more at Dogs and Jeans

Sexual Psychology

I’d like to understand my sexual psychology better. Specifically my ability to fantasize increases rapidly during sex but becomes almost completely absent afterwards.

Men in general are much better at sex during the sex that after wards. During, we are completely engaged in the activity and nothing else matters. Our only distraction from the task at hand is planning the positions we’d like to use when we do it again, right after.

Often, I have 3 or 4 fucks scheduled over the next 90 minutes right up until the climax of my current engagement. Most guys will agree we are so excited about the next ride, we are in a hurry to get this one finished, since the next one will be really mind-blowing because she’s in top, or we’re behind or her mother will be out. Plus the pressure is off so we can really concentrate on pleasing her slowly, just the way she likes it.

The cruel irony is that within 8 seconds of finishing, sex is now the furthest thing from our minds. The car needs waxing. I’ve got to get up early for a meeting. Football is on in half an hour.
Stupid fantasy life.

Do You Support Plant Sex?

On my desk sits an avocado tree that I raised from a pit. I am no gardening aficionado, nor do I hold a degree in horticulture, botany or any of the plant sciences. I was merely hung-over one Sunday and decided to soak the leftover pit I had from some homemade guacamole the night before.

The damn thing sprouted and now it stretches above the walls of my cubicle, leaning lazily towards the nearest fluorescent light.

Recently co-workers have been asking if am going to promote the growth of the avocado fruit itself. However, it is my understanding (without any research whatsoever, mind you) that fertilization from a tree of the opposite sex will be required.

Thus the dilemma of arranging for a date with another avocado tree. Seems kind of cheap and dirty. And certainly not the appropriate sort of thing to conduct in a financial institution like the one I work for.

Besides, I don't think I'm conformable with being an avocado pimp, or arranging for some sort of tree sex tour.

When a mistress goes from "victim" to "target"

"I want to say to the rest of the country, 'Stop taking it out on the mistresses and start taking it out on the men who are cheating on their wives.' Why are these men getting off scot free while the mistresses are considered whores, and we're stepped on and we're booed and we're called nasty names? It's the man's responsibility, they're the ones in the marriage, they need to keep their vows. It's very easy to say, 'You know what I'm a married man.' They can easily walk away." - Michelle "Bombshell" McGee

This quote really bothers me.

For those unaware, McGee is the original mistress of Jesse James who crawled out of the woodwork to tell the world that she was sleeping with Sandra Bullock's husband. She then went on to say that she did it all because of the potential money that she'd earn from telling the story. Now she's wondering why she's the one being attacked.

I can tell you why...she's a whore.

And no, she's not a whore because she slept with a married man. This is absolutely James' fault because he was the married man and couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Much like Tiger Woods, he deserves every bit of the ridicule that has been thrown his way. The guy didn't just make a mistake and cheat on his wife once...he cheated multiple times with multiple partners, showing a complete and utter lack of respect for his spouse. He's slimy and has earned his new reputation for being as such.

No...McGee is a whore because she's whoring herself out for a few bucks. She didn't tell her story to simply break the news to help out Bullock in any way. She waited until Bullock won her Academy Award and rode that wave of high-profile fan-love until, like a viper, she struck at the most opportune time. She went out of her way to hurt Bullock in the worst way imaginable for her own personal gain.

And she's surprised at why the media and the public is attacking her.

Here's the thing...people can see through bullshit. And if you're going to break the news to the world that you're sleeping with a married man, and that married man is married to one of the most beloved celebrities in the country, and you're selling this story for money...then you better be prepared for the storm of attention that comes your way.

The primary victim here? The person who was actually cheated on. Sandra Bullock...Elin Woods...these are the women who were cheated on multiple times by their asshole spouses. They are the people who don't deserve this attention on them...and for the most part, the tabloid websites have been quite kind to them.

The secondary victims? Yes...the mistresses. Let's be honest, 90% of the mistresses of both Woods and James knew EXACTLY what they were getting themselves into...and they can cry and whine to the media all they want about how they were treated, but the fact of the matter is that they knowingly slept with married celebrities. So I have zero sympathy for them. Sell your stories to the tabloids and go away.

But yes, there are some mistresses who don't like being called that. They were "girlfriends" of James and Woods...they were told, and believed, that there were marriage issues and were seriously hurt when the truth was finally revealed. So I absolutely feel for these women as they were lied to by two unbelievable douchebag cheaters.

So when does one turn from being a "victim" to being a "target"? Do you feel sorry for Bombshell McGee? What about any of Tiger's girls on the side? Do they deserve sympathy? If so, which ones? All of them?

Ask Hot Dads

b mari asked:

Ok, so here it goes... There's this hot, single, dad, at work, that I was just kind of friends with, in fact, not even attracted to until one night. That one night I was a lil tipsy and flirt-texted him. Ha! He texted back. So....we set a date for a night (he was willing to travel nearly 2hrs to my place) --and what do you know? It was extremely amazing! --It was amazing from the moment he walked in and all the way to the bedroom. Anyway, afterward we talked about our upbringing, family, his daughter etc and it turns out we have a lot more in common than we thought. We fell asleep in each others arms and since then have seen each other 2 more times. He knows I would like to start a relationship, but he said he wasn't good relationship material. --The thing is that we always end up talking about our families and it makes me think otherwise.... About me, I'm about 6 yrs older than him, don't want any kids and don't have any (though I looove them), and he had a vasectomy (his daughter is 12).... --LOL....my question now is how much did you share about yourself to your "bootycalls?" Did you ever see yourself with any one them?

Is there even a remote chance with him? Should I just keep hoping? Or just let it go? p.s......I'm sooooo willing to drive to him... --Oh, and I know he more than likes me because one of his good friends gave me the "411" on him. --He says he just doesn't have time....


says: Well, I’ll start by saying that I never shared too much with any of my past ‘bootycalls’…cuz that was just what they were. We were just in it for the sex…nothing more.

Regarding your situation, I’d say that it is a tough one. I would ask you why you don’t want kids. That statement and the fact that he has a 12 year old daughter don’t mix too well. At that age, she’ll need a mother figure in her life.

Maybe he says that he is not good relationship material because he just wants to be single. I think that it is a discussion that you will have to have with him. Keep it (the feelings) out in the open…otherwise one of you will get hurt. It is easy for one side of a relationship to grow closer and the other remains …’bootycall’ status.

With a child in the situation it has to be all or nothing. You have to fully commit…so make sure you know what you want before discussing it with him.


says: Well it depends on what you want. If you want a relationship and he does not then you are fishin in the wrong pond it seems. Talk to him about it. Ask. If ain't in then know its only for sex. Go when you want him to hit it, get dressed and leave. His perfect scenario is for you to like him a lot and him to be disconnected. Then he can hit it whenever he wants and he can always say "hey I told you this was just about sex."

It would seem to me though that most relationships start with either or both parties not looking for a long term relationship. So it has to start somewhere. I might not usually start yelling "go big Daddy" but some do. So it can go from booty call to love and such.

Good luck.


Sounds to me like he's politely trying to tell you that he's interested in you for an occasional booty call/friends-with-benefits kind of thing. Maybe you're reading too much into the pillow talk? I know you said that his friend said otherwise, but his actions speak louder than his friends words, it seems like.

You say that he's a co-worker but also that he's 2 hrs away. Different offices within the same company? I wonder if the idea of a long-distance relationship isn't what he's looking for and all of this is a cover story.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

It's simple, though I'm afraid it's not the answer you want to hear...he doesn't want a relationship. The conversations could be great and he could make gestures that seem like it's moving towards a relationship, but he told you where he stands. You might be trying to tell yourself that he'll change his mind the more time you spend together and the more you open yourself up to him. But it's unlikely that this is the case. Don't read into him saying he's "not relationship material" or that he "doesn't have time" for a relationship as wishy-washy indicators that he might. Unfortunately, he doesn't.

The fact that he told you this near the beginning rather than hiding it and stringing you along shows his character, which probably makes this all the more difficult for you. It sounds like you're already pretty emotionally invested in him, so please be careful. The worst thing you can do here is to think that you're going to be able to change his mind.

I gotta say that I've been there before...I used to be "that guy" who didn't want a relationship but still loved certain aspects of a relationship.

I wish I could adequately explain why, but looking back I guess I was just immature...that whole "cake & eat it" thing.

This guy likes you...I don't think anybody will really argue that point. I mean, I can't imagine opening myself up too much at all to any of the one-night stands I had back in my 20's, but every once in awhile there was someone I wanted to be with more than just once that I ended up talking to more than others.

Here's the thing: if he's a bit younger and has already been "snipped", then he's really REALLY not looking for anything more at this point. So I guess if you're willing to be "that woman", then I'd say continue to do whatever makes you happy.

Something else may happen or it may not...just don't hold out hope that it will. Enjoy things for what they are and then let the universe guide you.

Grey's Anatomy – Okay for Teens?

My teen daughter’s favorite TV show is Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve never seen it, but I didn’t have a problem with that. After all, her mom watches the show. Her friends at school watch the show. Female friends of mine watch the show. It’s a show for women.

When my daughter asked if she could turn the Tivo from my Italian Serie A soccer to her Grey’s Anatomy show, I initially said no. As a single parent raising two kids, I don’t get to watch a ton of TV. But then I realized I could have some father daughter time by watching Grey’s Anatomy with my teen daughter.

I swear, before the opening credits even rolled, three couples had sex, including a one-night-stand hookup, and a couple who were only together for the sex. WTF?

Is this what teens are watching on TV? Don’t get me wrong, I realize TV shows push the envelope way more than when I was a kid. And from rebound sex coffee dates to sexy and funny wine country dates to seeking casual sex at a convention, I'm certainly no prude. But what happened to dramatizing meaningful relationships?

In Grey's Anatomy:

• There was one woman annoyed that the guy she picked up in a bar and slept with wanted to actually date.

• There was one woman annoyed that her boyfriend who she only wanted for sex gave her a key to his place.

• There was a couple who had unfulfilling sex, and wondered why they were still together. (Okay, that last one is like a real relationship)

• There was a doctor and nurse who started spooning right there in the hospital on an empty bed. (Actually, they were doing a little more than spooning...)
  

I know that some people these days avoid relationships, just like the doctors in this Grey’s Anatomy episode. They fear that being part of a partnership will screw up their future, or something like that. A great book that discusses this phenomenon is Unhooked, by Laura Sessions Stepp (discussed in this blog post about hooking up.)

Is it good for my daughter to be watching a show where casual sex is so... casual?

I just hope she realizes it’s okay to date and fall in love. You don’t have to sleep with strangers all your life. (And for anyone who thinks I’m setting a double standard – please know that I don’t blog about relationships while I’m in them. Perhaps I’m not presently in the long term relationship I’d like to be in, but my real life is healthier than my blogging hookups reveal.)

Sexy Hookups Make Blogging More Fun!

I’ve been divorced ten years, and I’ve hooked up more than a few times. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s simply an artifact of being a middle-aged single parent in the suburbs. It’s hard finding a woman who wants to date, doesn’t mind that I have teens, has time to date, is attracted to me, and who is someone I’m attracted to on multiple levels (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually.) Hooking up provides much-needed intimacy when I’m in a dry spell, dating-wise.

Plus, hookups make blogging a lot more fun.

Case in point: remember my coffee date who just wanted rebound sex? Blog fodder, in spades.

Or that sexy wine country date I had with a Brasilian woman? She wanted to have car sex right there in a traffic jam. Ay carumba!

I have plenty of sexy and funny dating stories. In the archives, at least.

The reason this has come up right now is that I’m trying to stop hooking up, and open the way for the right woman to come into my life, be it for a long term relationship or a short-term snuggle fest. I’ve actually been in this mode for a while now. I’ve had some relationships (both dating and friends-with-benefits), and I don’t blog details about people I am currently seeing. I feel to do so disrespects their privacy, and it can only come back to bite me in the butt if (or when) things go downhill and we split.

Plus, it’s damn hard for a blogger to get a date with a new woman if she knows about my blog and she reads that I hooked up with someone else the night before!

And so, my blogging has been relegated to funny stories about recycling bottles and cans, and my teen son wanting ripped abs and massive pecs. (Of course, even dates gone bad can turn into good blog material if they involve a tattooed hooker on craigslist personals. Doh!)

At some point, I’ll stop this dating nonsense, and get back to generating blog topics the old-fashioned way – by hooking up!

p.s. if my date this weekend reads this post, please know all this hookup talk is humor! Fiction! Funny stuff! I made it all up while helping an old lady across the street, on my way to volunteering at the local animal shelter where I’m busy researching a cure for colds in cats.

Can You Overcome Cheating?

Tiger Woods

David Letterman

Leann Rimes

Shaquille O'Neal

Charlie Sheen

Fred Flintstone (please...he TOTALLY was bangin' Betty on the side)

There is obviously a problem with celebrity men and their libidos. I mean, it would take all of 60 seconds to add another five names to that list (and not just men, either!). So the question isn't why people cheat, because they do. There are a thousand different reasons for a thousand different people who have cheated on a spouse or significant other. You simply can't put a finger on it and call it a day.

But what about us "regular folk"? I know that people cheat every day. It's just a sucky fact of life. Does everybody cheat? No...but even a couple of my favorite bloggers have admitted to infidelity issues in the past. So it's obviously not just an issue for the rich and famous.

David Letterman's wife has apparently decided to work with him to maintain their marriage. Tiger Woods' wife seems destined for divorce. Where would YOU stand if you found out that your significant other was cheating on you?

Is there a way that a person could gain forgiveness for an indescretion? What if it was just a one-night stand? What if it was a long-term relationship that they want to end to remain with you? Is your case simply a one-strike-and-you're-out rule? Depending on the situation, can you find in your heart to forgive?

Maybe the term "overcome cheating" is wrong. Maybe it makes cheating sound okay but that there's a work-around of some sort that helps one "overcome" obstacle that arise from cheating. Maybe this should be turned around on the victim...the person who was actually cheated on.

What would it take for you to get over your significant other cheating on you?

And what's more, why does "celebrity cheating" get so much bloody attention? Why are infidelities publicized so much? My thought is that paparazzi sites like TMZ.com want to prove to the world that celebrities are human, too...so maybe they shouldn't be admired or looked up to afterall. In that sense, I suppose I don't have too much of a problem with the coverage. On the other hand, TMZ is so bloody sleezy that it's difficult to read sometimes. They just go for the jugular and have zero issue with the shoddy "journalism" they provide the public.

Of course, in Tiger's case maybe it's justified (my last count was 14!!).

So how 'bout it Hot Dad readers? Have you ever been cheated on? Could you overcome someone cheating on you? What if you cheated on somebody you loved? How would you get forgiveness? Could you get it??

Hey everyone, Sage here, CBG graciously allowed me to add to his post. There is a Hot Mamma who could REALLY use a lil love about right now, so why don't y'all hit her up and give a hug or someting Sandi, thanks in advance!!!

Joke of the Day

So, one day a college girl starts to notice a weird rash right on her torso. After rubbing some ointment on it and waiting a few days, she realizes that it is not going away. A week and 3 different creams later, she goes in to see her doctor. The doctor examines the rash and after a careful look, he looks at the girl and tells her that it looks like a kind of rug burn in the shape of an “M”.

The girl looks in the mirror and can now make out the shape. She sits back down and the doctor looks at her and asks, “Have you been having a lot of sex?” The girl nods yes. Then the doctor says, “I am guessing that there is a letter jacket involved.” The girls face lit up. Then the doctor continued…”I take it your boyfriend goes to Michigan State.” Then the girls shyly shook her head and retorted, “No…but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin.”

Big Zen Wannabe Wolf - Asks Hot Dads

I know that it is not Monday but I had some questions and thought I'd serve you all up a plate of daddy wisdom spew!!

*Make sure that you keep sending in all of your questions.

OneZenMom Asked: What personal trait of yours do you hope your kids will share? What trait do you hope they WON'T get from you?

TentCamper says: Besides my stunning good looks….I hope that they inherit my logic and calm demeanor. On the other hand…I pray that they do NOT overdo things the way I tend to.

Hubman says: I'm a hard worker, but I understand the importance of maintaining perspective and having fun every day. All work and no play, something like that, is an attitude towards life that I hope they share with me. On the flip side, I have a bit of a temper at times. While it's gotten better over the years, I hope that managing anger or frustration is something my kids do better than I do.

Captain Dumbass says: My sense of humor, or better yet, their own twisted version of mine.

DC Urban Dad says: Whew, that's an easy one. I wish her all her Mommy's traits and none of mine. Especially not my temper.

SurferJay says: I hope my kids love to surf as I do. Because if they would rather play something like, oh I don’t know, baseball, I would just die. For one thing, that sport is so boring, I don’t how I could ever sit through one of their little league games without falling asleep.

I hope my boy doesn’t inherit my fur. I have some good size fur coats on either side of my back. Now that I’m getting older at thirty, I’ve started to acquire the fur stragglers. You know, the individual hairs that sprout up all over the shoulders and upper back. And it’s a lot of work to pluck each one individually, and my wife will only bust out the buzzers for me on special occasions.

Dadshouse says: Hope they get: The ability to enjoy life without feeling the need to spend and consume. Hope they won't get: Keeping a messy kitchen table. (there are papers everywhere)

Canadian Bald Guy says: My fun-loving attitude. I do my best to be "the fun guy" and see the positive side of things, so I'm hoping they'll both get that trait from me.

When pushed I do have a bit of a temper, though. I'm really hoping that they don't get an attitude or anger issues from me.

Trooper Thorn says: a) I hope they become patient as adults; I can’t wait for that day. b) I’d prefer that they didn’t procrastinate the way I do, but they will likely leave that up to the last minute.

LiteralDan says: I hope they'll be able to laugh at most anything, especially stuff that sucks but can't be changed. Most of the traits I hope they don't get they're already clearly fated for, like the special brand of compulsive precision that earned me my nickname.

Daddy Geek Boy says: My kids are already showing a sense of humor similar to mine, so that said, I hope they develop the ability that I learned later in life, which is not to be so sensitive.


OneZenMom Asked: What TV show, or movie, are you embarrassed to admit you like to watch?

TentCamper says: ‘Spose I’ll have to say that I am embarrassed to admit that I cried during an episode of Quantum Leap…beyond that…I have no regrets!!

Hubman says: Occasionally, when Veronica is watching Project Runway I find myself getting sucked in and start paying attention. But if she catches me, I'll only admit to watching Heidi Klum, who is one delicious piece of eye candy!

Captain Dumbass says: I watch a pretty wide variety of TV and movies and can't say I'm really embarrassed by any of them. I loved the first few seasons of Gilmore Girls because the writing was fantastic and Lorelai Gilmore was HAWT so win/win. Where's the shame.

DC Urban Dad says: To tell you the truth, none. I am super confident in the crap I watch. Sure I watch a little Rachel Zoe on Bravo, have been known to watch some Pussycat Doll's search for the next girl.

SurferJay says: I would never admit to anyone but my wife, that I sobbed tears of sorrow while watching the movie, Lorenzo’s Oil. And that was before I even had kids.

Dadshouse says: Koyanisqatsi. (If you've heard the Philip Glass score, you'll know why.)

Canadian Bald Guy says: I have a LOT of "guilty pleasures". My biggest embarrassment would probably be my fandom for professional wrestling. Although it's been waning over the past year, I was such a "super-fan" for such a long time that my first online writing experience (for over four years) came writing for wrestling websites. I might watch an hour or two a month these days, but it used to be a five-hour-a-week addiction...and even at an hour or two, it's still embarrassing.

Trooper Thorn says: I will watch Desperate Housewives, but I complain bitterly (to whoever will listen) if the episode does not contain at lease three decent lingerie scenes with at least one gratuitous side-boob shot.

LiteralDan says: Probably Law and Order: SVU. Mostly I wouldn't readily admit it because I mock my wife for the inescapable pull the show has on her, no matter what else is going on when she happens to flip to it, new or in reruns. Nothing ruins a planned night of fun like a gripping tale of the police's efforts to apprehend a child rapist. Still, it's kind of a good show.

Daddy Geek Boy says: Believe it or not, I can't think of anything that I would be embarrassed if anyone knew I watched. For a while there, I really liked the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights. Having rewatched it, my initial enthusiasm for it has dampened. But I still like it.


OneZenMom asked: Name one blog - besides Hot Dads, your own, or your spouse's - that you read every day (or just most often).

TentCamperm says: Obviously….Manic Mariah MY WOMAN!!!!

Hubman says: I have a folder in Google Reader called "Friends", which contains about a dozen or so blogs, so I can't name just one.

Captain Dumbass says: Just one? Seriously? My list is long and distinguished (like my johnson. Oh! Thank you, Top Gun) so to avoid pissing anybody off I'll pick kottke.com.

DC Urban Dad says: I have quite a few actually. I can hardly name them all, it would take too long. But here is a super quick snapshot ---- Clark Kent's Lunchbox, Scary Mommy., Undomestic Diva, Luke I am Your Father.

SurferJay says: …(…nothing)

Dadshouse says: http://vinomom.wordpress.com/ (I could name a bunch - this is first in my blogroll, counting backwards)

Canadian Bald Guy says: I love The Quest for T. I may not leave as many comments as I used to, but she's one of the first I'll read (next to my girlfriend's) on a daily basis.

Trooper Thorn says: I always check out twodogsrunning.blogspot.com to hear what animals MamaDawg is rescuing today.

LiteralDan says: I misunderstood the question at first to be asking for a blog both my wife and I read, so I'll stick with my answer for that (since I read way too many blogs to pick one, anyway)-- Barefoot Foodie. Brittany is one of the original Hot Mamas here at Hot Dads, incidentally.

Daddy Geek Boy says: My blog roll has gotten out of control and I can't keep up. (Sorry if I've stopped commenting on yours, I'm working my way through them.) Some not mentioned above that I dig are you Zen Mom, Tales From the Dad Side, Sorry For the Convenience and oh yeah, This Is Why You're Fat.


OneZenMom Asked: How do you split holiday time between your family and your wife's family (or for the divorced guys, between your house and your ex's)?

TentCampersays: well…this is a confusing one when you put everything together as Mariah and I are both divorced. But if you have not been keeping up….I don’t get shit! YET! As for other family, mine are spread a;; over the country and it’s been a long time since we’ve all spent a holiday together, but luckily, Mariah’s family, though spread out, does everything in their power to be together for the big holidays. …makes me very happy…as I miss my own ‘pretend’ blood.

Hubman says: Veronica and I are in the Boston area, my mom is in Pittsburgh and the rest of our families are on Long Island, NY. Usually, Thanksgiving is at my in-laws house, though when we lived in PA there were years when we alternated between Pittsburgh and Long Island. Ever since Darling Boy was old enough to get into Christmas, we stay home. All of our immediate family has an open invitation to join us, but we are NOT traveling for Christmas.

Captain Dumbass says: My wife's family doesn't really do Christmas, but we try one year with them and the next with mine. Of course, the terrifying snowy mountain drives up to visit my family are beginning to lose their magic. We don't really get a lot of snow in Vancouver, but fuck it, rain isn't actively trying to kill you.

DC Urban Dad says: We alternate across both families. This Turkey Day we are with my family at the beach in NC. Then for Xmas we are with my wife's Mother and then will spend a few days with her father. Next year, we will change it up again. Luckily everyone is in NC so it is a bit easier.

SurferJay says: Have you ever heard that a good compromise leaves both parties unhappy? Well that’s how, we’re both unhappy about it, (some more than others, ahem).

Dadshouse says: I'm divorced, and every other year I get Xmas. On year's I don't get Xmas, I get Thanksgiving. The other holidays we play by ear, but we aim for 50/50.

As for splitting holidays within my family, we almost always go to my parents house. We've gone to my brothers' a few times. My place? Once. (The women plan these things months or years in advance, and I'm not a woman.)

Canadian Bald Guy says: As a dad with two children fathered by two different mothers, visitation during the year can be tricky (especially where one lives half-way across the country). 'Holidays' for me usually revolve around Christmas and birthdays. The attempt right now is to have my kids every other Christmas and birthday and rotate annually. So far, it's worked out quite well.

Trooper Thorn says: Time between houses just depends on which one of us my kids hate more at the holiday: me or my ex.

LiteralDan says: We spend most of the holidays with my family now that we live closer to them, though we used to spend the slight majority with her family when we lived closer to them. Now, we'll just fly back out there every other year or so for Christmas. (It's becoming clear they will never come out here, any time of the year.)

Daddy Geek Boy says: We laid out the rules from the very beginning to our parents: You will get us every other year. No exceptions. This is for Thanksgiving. We don't travel for Christmas.


OneZenMom Asked: How do you do your Christmas shopping - Do you plan ahead? Wait 'til the last minute? Shop throughout the year? Do it all in one day?

TentCamper says: I’d like to do it year round, but times I have done that, by the time X-mas rolls around, the gift will be ‘the older model’. I end up doing it last minute.

Hubman says: I really only have to shop for Veronica, she takes care of everyone else. She and I have already started talking about ideas for family members and it wouldn't surprise me if she's even bought a few things. She is so stinkin' efficient, when we drive to NY for Thanksgiving, Christmas gifts for family there are already bought, wrapped, and delivered to the respective homes to be opened on Christmas Day. I try to have my shopping done by mid-December. If there is something I hate more than shopping, it's fighting holiday crowds to shop.

Captain Dumbass says: If it's for the kids then I plan ahead. If it's for my wife I like to leave it until the last possible moment. There's nothing like blind panic for romantic inspiration.

DC Urban Dad says: We try to do as much online and early. Now that we are a little older we don't do Christmas for the adults. Now it is all about the kids. With my wife's family we draw names and are only allowed to spend $100. For my family, we are only giving presents to the kids.

SurferJay says: A-m-a-z-o-n-.-c-o-m. As long as my free three day shipping makes it into to unwrap Christmas morning, we’re all good.

Dadshouse says: Last minute, for sure!

Canadian Bald Guy says: I absolutely HATE that I wait 'til the last minute, but that's what I do. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.

Trooper Thorn says: I firmly believe stores don’t put the good stuff out until the afternoon of the 23^rd. If you really care for people, why would you shop before then and purchase marginal gifts?

LiteralDan says: Every year I try to plan ahead, and every year I fail almost totally. I don't quite do it all in one day, though in the past I've nearly gotten to that point, but the last week or so is frantic, especially when shipping is involved. Thank Jebus for Amazon, I say.

Daddy Geek Boy says: I echo the praise for Amazon. If I never have to step foot in a store from now until January, I'll be happy.


BigLittleWolf asked: What would you do if you had a hot night out (and in) with a babe who spoke with a French accent, and in the a.m. over a steamy cup of coffee à deux, she dropped it, in a playful way? (The accent, not the coffee.)

TentCamper says: Not that I’ve been in a situation to go on a date with a random person in more than 15 years, but I don’t think it would bother me…unless I was really into the girl. If it was just a roll in the hay…act away!!!

Hubman says: Do you mean that she was faking the accent all night? I wouldn't really care, though I'm ambivalent about French accents anyway. Now an English or Australian accent, that's another story! Maybe she could try one of those next time?

Captain Dumbass says: Meh, whatever.

DC Urban Dad says: Did you say she was hot?

SurferJay says: I would make a confession to her as well, “yeah, you know how I told you I’ve only slept with 3 girls, well I feel guilty about lying to you so I must confess, it was really 23. More coffee?”

Dadshouse says: I'd laugh. Besides, I usually date women with south american accents.

Canadian Bald Guy says: I think I'd be pissed off. I'm not a fan of lying. And no, I'm no angel...but that's purposeful deception. If she was hot enough, I suppose I'd get over it quickly. But yeah...I'd be pissed at first.

Trooper Thorn says: I’d breathe a sigh of relief and take off the George Clooney mask. How the two of us would laugh…

LiteralDan says: I'd pay her a little more for the extra effort, of course. Actually, I'd probably be happier, because that means she smelled better AND she was less critical of my breakfast options.

Daddy Geek Boy says: As long as it wasn't replaced with a Long Island accent no worries.

BigLittleWolf asked: What's the sexiest, most unexpected sexual surprise you've ever encountered?

TentCamper says: My woman being ok with having sex with me and another woman…and what I talk about in this (explicit) post. Just being with Mariah is all the sexy I need.

Hubman says: It's a story that's perhaps a bit explicit for this blog. But I've written about it on my blog! Click here for the story.

Captain Dumbass says: Getting laid in a racquetball court. That was unexpected. And it sounded a lot like whales humping. Not that I've ever heard whales humping, but if you've ever been in a racquetball court I think you'll know what I'm talking about.

DC Urban Dad says: Love being woken up in the middle of the night and "connecting".

SurferJay says: …(failed to fire)

Dadshouse says: When a woman did a certain act without me asking, and without her first demanding to be serviced. As for which act, that differed for each woman who did this sort of thing. Sadly, there weren't many. Most woman either had to be coaxed, or insisted on being serviced first.

Canadian Bald Guy says: The greatest sexual experiences of my entire life have happened over the past year with my current girlfriend. She reads this blog, so forgive me for not divulging details.

Trooper Thorn says: The first time I ever got laid. I mean, who saw that one coming?

LiteralDan says: I guess, if pressed, I'd have to pick that one time when Rachel Weisz showed up at my door late one night, saying she had an unexpectedly long layover and wondered if I could help her pass the time.

Daddy Geek Boy says: Not sure WonderWife™ would be comfortable with me putting that out there. But I have a big grin on my face right now.


WannabeVirginia W. asked: When a woman looses weight does her vajayjay get smaller, in particular the bits (parts)?

TentCamper says: WHAT THE…???? If there was a Slim Fast for women’s privates and you could diet to make it tighter or bring it back to what it was in High School….that shit would be flying off the shelves and the person who developed it would have won like 45 Nobel Peace Prizes or something.

Does that answer it for you?

Hubman says: I've never heard of that before and have no idea. Veronica's big changes in weight have come with pregnancy, the end of which of course has it's own effects on the almighty vajayjay, so I have no experience to draw on. But why would it?

Captain Dumbass says: I've never actually been a woman or had a vajayjay so I can't answer that definitively, but I think it might be wishful thinking.

DC Urban Dad says: Good question. Odd, but good.

SurferJay says: …(plead the fifth)

Dadshouse says: I honestly don't date women whose weight fluctuates that much for me to notice.

Canadian Bald Guy says: I've got no fucking idea.

Trooper Thorn says: It doesn’t necessarily get smaller, but it does get tighter because she feels better about herself. Know what I’m talking about?

LiteralDan says: These are the kind of questions you just can't make up... I have no idea, but I'd doubt it. I think the only thing that could manage that would be a time machine! Where's Doc Brown when you need him?

Daddy Geek Boy says: I'm not a doctor, but I'd be happy to study photographic evidence to either support or disprove a theory.

Who's Your Daddy?

Well ladies and gents…

It should be no surprise that we here at Hot Dads have taken some of our valuable time to scour the web for some fresh meat...I mean... new Hotties to join our growing family.

So it is with pleasure that I formally introduce you all to:

Our newest Hot Mamas:

Mommy Geek of MommyGeekology

And

Shauna of Is It 5 O’Clock Yet?

And if that is not enough…we’ve also added to our roster of sperm donors Hot Dads with the addition of Captain Dumbass of Us and Them!!!!!!

Please welcome them all and treat them with the kindness and respect that their royal asses deserve.

Ask Hot Dads...Or Not

OK Ladies…I’m gonna have to lay it out on the line for you.

You all say how much you love the Ask Hot Dads posts and many of you say that that is one of things that attracted you to the site in the first place. YET……I am nor receiving any questions from you.

Sure I could make up some questions…or better yet, make up some really juicy ones and just say that they are from YOU. (I could easily post a question like: ZenMom asked: “How (exactly) are babies made?” or Janie Woods asked: “How come sex toys don’t come with directions?”

But I won’t do that. If you want the Ask Hot Dads to continue…SEND ME YOUR FREAKIN QUESTIONS!!!!!
TentCamper1@gmail.com

Additionally, if you Guys have questions for the Hot Mamas…We can do that as well. (Not that we need answers to anything…you know, just to make the Mamas feel important.)

If you want your questions to be anonymous…say so or leave them in the comments anonymously. I can respect less knowledgeable folks being a bit embarrassed.

The Lava Spews - All Over The Place

As the temperatures around the country are cooling off and Fall is in full effect, I thought it a good time to spread some more hotness throughout the nation.

I knew that I would not have much time to scout for more hotties, as Halloween, Turkey Day and Christmas are all just right around the corner, so I have spent the past week trolling.

You’ll all be happy to know that my search was so successful that this blog is slowly turning into quite the lava pit.

So, without further ado….I’d like to present you all with our newest Hot Mamas!!!!!!!


UberDorkGirlie of Life in Monkeyland
Faerie Mom of TheFaerieCastle
VodkaMom at VodkaMom

I highly recommend that you jump over there and show them some love…as they will be visiting all of you to do the same!

Lastly folks, We’ve had a bit of a shift in contributors here at Hot Dads.
A few of the boys were not able to fit extracurricular blogging into their busy lives and had to step back (for now) and we have also added some new testosterone to the mix.

Please bow and welcome:
Surfer Jay from I have to wipe their what?
CanadianBaldGuy
and
Mocha Dad

Hot Dads Calendar!!!!!

Many of you have been asking for a Hot Dads Calendar...so I have made the effort to collect photos from the guys. Now....since this IS an online thing and I'm sure you will all 'steal' the calendar instead of purchasing it...I am going to make you all guess who is who before mass producing the 2010 Hot Dads Calendar.

Guess away...(which one of the Hot Dads is actually a woman?)

Huggy Bear's House of Coffee

I'm not sure if this article I found is a finger-wagging account of a shameful Washington coffee house, or a national advertisement to build a rival to Starbucks overnight:

5 bikini baristas accused of prostitution

My favorite quote also takes you right to the core of the story:

---

During a two-month investigation, detectives also saw the women lick whipped cream off each other and pose naked for pictures at the Grab-n-Go Espresso stand.

---

I have to wonder who made them cut off the "investigation" after only two months. You better believe that guy got his locker filled with shaving cream (or, perhaps more appropriately, latte foam) and maybe even a couple of dog (if he was lucky) shits put on his engine block or something.

I'm just spitballin' here-- maybe under the circumstances, Washington police were driven to even greater heights of creativity. Regardless, I don't think they could possibly be more creative than the ladies of the coffee stand themselves:

---

The women also charged customers to play "basketball," a game in which customers threw wadded up money at the women, who caught the money in their underwear, detectives said.

---

What could I ever do to make people just throw money at me like that, whether balled up or not?? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this capitalism game.

One thing* I do know, though, is that these kinds of investigations must be made part of the compensation package for veteran officers, if they aren't already.

Just picture our precious younger officers dodging bullets behind the burning shells of their cruisers right now, keeping the tourniquet tight above their gunshot wounds, telling themselves they can't bleed out in the street because they've only got 10 more years till they get to work the "Handjob Hardees" detail.**

I think I finally understand what it was like for John Lennon writing Imagine, being the only one seeing a better world and wondering why we can't all see our way to get there. Someday, maybe, someday, our hardest-working public servants will get their chance to taste the sweet fruits of their labors in the form of whipped cream pasties.

---

* Another thing is that the guys working the "fat trannies" embezzlement case at the local White Castle really know now where they stand in the department hierarchy.

** They can just take out any frustration on their friends and loved ones in the meantime as needed.

---

Posted by LiteralDan

When a Date Wants to Polish the (blank)

A recent date who came into my home suggested that something needed to be polished. Now, now, get your urban dictionary mind out of the knob-polishing gutter.

She noticed my highball glasses had water spots!

(For the record, I don't let just anyone into my house. I may be virile in my 40s with plenty of sexy and funny stories, but you gotta be eager.)

Apparently my date's mom had taught her to polish every glass as if you were a high-end restaurant. After all, you never knew who might come over, and how much it might be worth to impress them.

(When she said "worth", I sort of tuned out. Her family was into money, and her mom played hostess to daddy's CEO friends. Sounds like a lonely housewife to me. I just liquor my guests up on my best margarita recipe, and hope they don't notice water spots.)

The experience made me think - what things do I polish, and what do I let slide?

Cars - I know there are hot dads (and teen boys) who wax the hell out of their cars. They'll polish the hood, polish the wheels, polish the seats. Me? I'm lucky if the bug that splatted my windshield on highway 101 gets squeegeed off the next time I fill up on gas.

Chrome appliances - I polish my espresso machine (there's an eagle on top!), but I never polish my toaster. And yet, the toaster gets more fingerprints. Why do I not care about this much-used appliance? Um, because my kids get their grubby paws on it whenever they toast up pita bread for a hummus-slathered afternoon snack? (i.e. daily) It will just get finger-printy again.

Glasses (of the spectacle sort) - I polish the heck out of my glasses daily. I use glasses cleaner, and one of those micro-fiber cloths. More work than lasik, I suppose. But no one's cutting my eyes.

Martini shaker - I polish this every time I use it. Natch. (Did I mention there's a connection between drinking and sex?)

As for my date, it turned out she did actually enjoy polishing things besides highball, martini, and wine glasses.

I'll leave it at that, and keep this post PG-13.

The Peace Corps

By TentCamper

This friend of mine joined the Peace Corps a few years ago. He was a young guy and wanted to do something special…something for others. He was soon sent off to some desert area near Egypt for his first mission (or whatever they call it) to help build school houses and teach children in need. What a great guy. Smart, loving, dedicated, honest and giving.

Anyway, when he returned we got together for a few beers and to talk about his “journey.” After he had downed more than a pitcher, he began telling me a story that I don’t think he ever intended on telling anyone…but I just sat there nodding my head…and listening.

The story goes as follows:

“So once I got to the desert Corps camp, I was shown into the camp manager’s office. He had me sit down and proceeded to go over all of the rules, timelines, jobs, personnel, etc. When he was done he showed me to my bunk house. I got my stuff situated and joined up with the rest of the workers and started on my journey to help those in need. After a few weeks, I noticed (out of nothing more than my manly urges) that there were no women at the camp. I brought it up to one of my co-workers who said that due to the local customs, women were not allowed to work here and that I should go talk about it with the camp manager. I was a bit embarrassed so I did nothing about it at the time. After a few more weeks, the urges were getting pretty bad and the sleeping quarters and showers were not conducive for pleasuring my self. I decided to bite the bullet and go talk to the camp manager about it.

I went into the office and told the camp manager that I’d been there for more than 6 weeks and was wondering if there were any women that were around…I was getting pretty frustrated and kind of wanted some release. The manager looked at me and said, “Well…around the back of the office…there is a camel…” I cut him off there and said, “Thanks but I’ll be ok.” And I bolted from the office.

It was about a month later when I went back to the office, basically clutching my groin…as if I were going to explode. I told the manager, again, about my situation and he once again said, “OK, there is a camel in the barn behind this building and that is what most of the guys here use…” I cut him off again and ran from the office…thinking about how nasty that would be…especially after all off these other guys…fuck that!

Now I had been there for 3 and a half months…I ran into the manager’s office, with duress on my face. I sternly asked about that camel. He pointed out the back window to the barn. I ran out the door and around to the barn. After grabbing a stool from the side of the barn and placing it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and ….OH MY GOD! I have to say that it did not take me long at all. It did not even really click that it was a camel until after…and at that point…I didn’t care.

I ran back into the manager’s office, with a huge grin on my face and said, “That was great!...Can I do that whenever I want?” The manager looked at me with the strangest eyes that I’d ever seen and said, “what the hell are you talking about? What happened?” I told him that I grabbed a stool from the side of the barn and placed it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and …you know. The manager, let his head fall into his hands and then, after a few seconds, looked up at me with a shitty grin and said to me, “Holy shit boy! Most of the guys get the camel and ride it into the town about 20 miles east of here!”

That was my last day at that camp…I insisted on being transferred to a completely different region where I finished out my 6 months...from that point on…I decided to wait til I got back to the states to get laid.” I have to say that I really hope that this story was not true…I never brought it up with him again, but these days I’m thinking that he’s not as smart as I used to think he was.

Drinking and Sex - Time for a Study!

Oh those French. Apparently, they did a formal study which made a connection between women drinking wine and having sex. The more you drink, the more willing you are to do the deed. (You think?! Hey, I’m not making this up.)

BigLittleWolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy clued me in to this. She gives a delightful account of the study of 800 women, how “women blossom sexually under the influence of alcohol”. She even suggests that wine guidebooks should contain info about which wines get which types of women into the mood.

To which I say – WTF!? How did the Hot Dads miss out on this one?

I propose the Hot Dads get the same EU wanks who funded the French study to fund us. Not everyone drinks wine. We’ll go on a mission to see which cocktails get which women in the mood.

Let's kick off the proposal writing process:

As Hot Dads, we are aware that women are sometimes not in the mood to be ravaged. (We don’t understand that behavior, but we are aware of it and respect it.)

As Hot Dads who enjoy a drink now and then, we have direct evidence that women who drink sometimes become aroused into a state of sexual willingness. (We do understand this behavior, and for that reason the next round is on us.)

As Hot Dads fighting for a better planet (i.e. one with more sex, love, and happy endings), we would like to procure funding to study this topic in depth.

Hypothesis: candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker

Procedure: gather 800 nubile women (just like the French study), or perhaps simply take out our wives and girlfriends, depending on what we can get away with (all in the name of science!)

Flirt with these women and attempt to seduce them into having sex. We predict a success rate with this technique of 1%. (Mostly due to our lack of flirting skills, sober. Time to brush up on sweet pick up lines.)

Line up shots of vodka and tequila, as well as provide favorite mixed drinks like cosmos and margaritas and mai tais, and offer said alcohol to said women.

Flirt with these women and attempt to seduce them into having sex. We predict as more drinks are consumed, we’ll be getting laid a lot.

Of course, the Hot Mamas could get their own study funded. I’m not sure what it would be, but if it’s something about men drinking and women shopping, I’m ducking for cover.

A Porn Story

Watching two people have sex in front of a camera isn’t nearly as exciting as you’d think. I know this because I was in a porn movie. I was just out of college and when the opportunity to earn a little extra cash came up, I jumped at the chance. I kept my clothes on. I was an extra.

One Saturday morning a long time ago, my buddy called me and asked if I wanted to be an extra at a porn shoot. Much like when somebody asks you if you’re a god, when somebody asks if you want to be on the set of a porn movie, you say “yes.” They were paying $50 cash, which for a broke recent-college graduate without a full time job was a decent payday. My friend and I were soon on our way to some gaudy mansion in Glendale to begin our careers in the porn industry.

The movie being shot that day was the sweeping epic tale of legendary lover Rudolph Valentino. Yes, it was a period piece. Not that the crew seemed overly concerned with the accuracy of the time period. I’m pretty sure the casual observer can see more than a few wrist watches in some shots. It was immediately clear that this was not the production of one of established porn producers. Running the show was a trio of aging Italian men. The star of the film was their studly young nephew, who was reminiscent of a thinner, better looking Fabio and could barely speak English. He wandered around the set in a daze asking his uncles in broken English, “Fuck? Fuck yet?”

My buddy and I filmed our scene in the morning and spent the rest of the day hanging out, eating junk food. Telltale signs like empty bottles of KY let us know that they had been filming at this house for a few days. We were told that they were shooting the day’s only sex scene in the afternoon and we were welcome to stick around, which we were planning on doing anyway.

A few hours later, we gathered in the back of an upstairs bedroom to watch the action. There were about fifteen guys in the room, mostly the crew and a few assorted perverts like my friend and me. Finally, they called action. And it was startling.

I no longer think that most porn stars can’t act. The weird thing about watching a porn scene live is the undeniable fact that it’s artificial. The Italian Stud certainly had the equipment for the job, but lacked the stamina so they had to keep stopping the scene before it was over too soon. The woman was screaming in ecstasy, only to stop on a dime when they called “cut”, leaving an empty silence in the room that remained until they started filming again and she picked right back up where she had left off. It was quite a performance, but standing in that room there wasn’t anything titillating about it. The whole thing was oddly uncomfortable. After staring slack jawed for about half an hour, my buddy and I decided we had seen enough. We collected our cash and met our friends in a bar to tell the tale.

A few months after the shoot, I tried to find the movie but came up empty. Years later, I was relaying the story to a friend and not more than an hour later, he sends me an email with the link to buy the DVD.

It’s a really bad porn. It actually fails on every level from the awful story to the mundane sex scenes. But in one scene, when Rudy is standing on line waiting to hear about a job, you can see three quarters of my face, giving the performance of a lifetime. The movie has surely not gone down as a classic, but it was my movie debut and we all gotta start somewhere.

-DGB