Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Porn Story

Watching two people have sex in front of a camera isn’t nearly as exciting as you’d think. I know this because I was in a porn movie. I was just out of college and when the opportunity to earn a little extra cash came up, I jumped at the chance. I kept my clothes on. I was an extra.

One Saturday morning a long time ago, my buddy called me and asked if I wanted to be an extra at a porn shoot. Much like when somebody asks you if you’re a god, when somebody asks if you want to be on the set of a porn movie, you say “yes.” They were paying $50 cash, which for a broke recent-college graduate without a full time job was a decent payday. My friend and I were soon on our way to some gaudy mansion in Glendale to begin our careers in the porn industry.

The movie being shot that day was the sweeping epic tale of legendary lover Rudolph Valentino. Yes, it was a period piece. Not that the crew seemed overly concerned with the accuracy of the time period. I’m pretty sure the casual observer can see more than a few wrist watches in some shots. It was immediately clear that this was not the production of one of established porn producers. Running the show was a trio of aging Italian men. The star of the film was their studly young nephew, who was reminiscent of a thinner, better looking Fabio and could barely speak English. He wandered around the set in a daze asking his uncles in broken English, “Fuck? Fuck yet?”

My buddy and I filmed our scene in the morning and spent the rest of the day hanging out, eating junk food. Telltale signs like empty bottles of KY let us know that they had been filming at this house for a few days. We were told that they were shooting the day’s only sex scene in the afternoon and we were welcome to stick around, which we were planning on doing anyway.

A few hours later, we gathered in the back of an upstairs bedroom to watch the action. There were about fifteen guys in the room, mostly the crew and a few assorted perverts like my friend and me. Finally, they called action. And it was startling.

I no longer think that most porn stars can’t act. The weird thing about watching a porn scene live is the undeniable fact that it’s artificial. The Italian Stud certainly had the equipment for the job, but lacked the stamina so they had to keep stopping the scene before it was over too soon. The woman was screaming in ecstasy, only to stop on a dime when they called “cut”, leaving an empty silence in the room that remained until they started filming again and she picked right back up where she had left off. It was quite a performance, but standing in that room there wasn’t anything titillating about it. The whole thing was oddly uncomfortable. After staring slack jawed for about half an hour, my buddy and I decided we had seen enough. We collected our cash and met our friends in a bar to tell the tale.

A few months after the shoot, I tried to find the movie but came up empty. Years later, I was relaying the story to a friend and not more than an hour later, he sends me an email with the link to buy the DVD.

It’s a really bad porn. It actually fails on every level from the awful story to the mundane sex scenes. But in one scene, when Rudy is standing on line waiting to hear about a job, you can see three quarters of my face, giving the performance of a lifetime. The movie has surely not gone down as a classic, but it was my movie debut and we all gotta start somewhere.

-DGB


19 comments:

Barefoot Dreamer said...

That is my favorite video ever! ok, not really- since I don't have a favorite porno... but now that there is a connection I can move this up to the top of my non-existent list ;)

What surprises me is that people don't think of the artificial factor and find this stuff attractive.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I can't say I've ever watched a porn or had the desire to. That is certainly an interesting way to get into the movie biz.

I don't see how people think it's really 'real' what they are watching. Even porno actors can usually act.

Brandy said...

It makes for a good story too. Women always know when another woman is acting...which is like ALL porn that is actually "produced".

I'd say it's hard to get off with 50+ people staring at your vag & the "stud" not being so studly.

ZenMom said...

I'm tempted to find this little gem just for the fun of pointing and laughing and saying, "I know that guy!"

Then again, most porn makes me point and laugh.

SciFi Dad said...

I can't believe you didn't even try and schmooze one of the porn starlets.

I am very disappointed in you.

Frogs in my formula said...

I always wondered how the men pounded away for so long. Thanks for sharing it all in such detail. I'm assuming you bought the video?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL... holy cow I SO thought from the title that it was going to be a different post!

But you are right, you do have to start somewhere... so are you in a movie where you actually get to see you WHOLE face? Tell me about that one... and nevermind if it's a porn! lol!

Great post... I was laughing!

Barney said...

Porn is all about point and laugh...

Great story though... I too was laughing....

James (SeattleDad) said...

Great Story. You can cross 'Being a Porn Star' off your bucket list.

T said...

What a great and different perspective on porn. I love this post. I know I've always wondered what goes on behind the scenes.

That's a pretty darn cool story there. Not many people can say they've been in a porn... and, ya know, get away with it.

Sadie said...

That is awesomely funny!

One time when I worked as a dispatcher for a CA trucking company, I had to choose which of my guys to send out to a house where they make porns. Talk about a happy camper who would do anything for me after I sent him on that delivery. I even covered for him when he was running a bit behind for the rest of the day. A guys gotta take a lunch right?

ChocDrop said...

I agree with Brandy....women know when women are faking. Takes the fun out of it.

Can I have your autograph....**wink**

SAHD DAD said...

"The weird thing about watching a porn scene live is the undeniable fact that it’s artificial."

Does this mean that before you watched that live scene you thought porn wasn't artificial? I'm surprised you have time to blog. I'd assume that you spend all of your free time working as a pool boy or doing pizza delivery figuring you'll get lucky all the time.

My SAHD Life

Daddy Geek Boy said...

SAHD...wha? Isn't that how everybody gets laid?

nitebyrd said...

I figure most porn is shot pretty much the same way. Porn never does it for me. Reading erotica/porn is way better. Less chance the guy loses his, um ... will to continue.

Homer and Queen said...

Never watched porn but I did see them shoot Extreme Home Makeover, after 20 takes on a 15 second segment...boring! I imagine porn is the same way!

JennyMac said...

WOW...a real porn star. And now you can add that to your curriculum vitae. Excellent. LOL. Thanks for the inside (ahem) info..more than I have ever known about porn before.

My Own Dirty Little Secrets said...

Thanks for the laugh. I'll probably never see it, but I needed the laugh. Knowing how long it takes for my man to cum, I'm sure porn has to stop MANY times to make it look longer than 45 seconds.

The Nice One said...

Oh, I am so headed over to Sarah's Secret to buy it.

Reminds me, vaguely of my stint as a phone sex op. Ha ha.

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