It's true! After 3 years and nearly 800 posts, my blog Dogs & Jeans has finally broken through the $100 threshold. At a pace of $0.03 a day, it takes quite a while for those visits to add up, but if you are patient, and post relentlessly about the world of politics and current events, you too can receive some Christmas spending money every three years.
So what are people searching for on Google that is bringing them to Dogs & Jeans today? You'd be surprised:
Ugly Fat People
Canadian Girls (but not the drunk ones)
Now if only I could roll all those terms into one news story, I might receive my next $100 cheque sooner.
Tomorrow (and part of today and most of Friday) are Thanksgiving. Since I will be eating and watching football and really be of no use to society whatsoever, here are some links to my past thoughts on Thanksgiving.
What's that say Poppa?" The boy asked me as he pointed at the backside of his new extrra large bright red beach shovel.
"Let's see. Says, Made In Japan."
-Later that day-
While grinding playdoh into the dining room chair cushion, the boy flips over his Spiderman plate and asks me, "What's that say Jay?"
"It says Zak!."
"Oh. What does that one say Jay?"
"Made In Japan."
"That what it's called?" He asked.
The following day while playing with Lacey's toys he flips one over and sees more text. "What does this say Jay?"
"Well, that one says Made In Japan too." I said with a sigh. He is begining to call his toys 'Made In Japan'. As if that is their official name. We must have gone over a dozen toys and plastic plates and cups this week, all saying Made In Jap Land on the back.
He finally asked me what Made In Japan means.
"Well. It was made there, in the land of Japan."
"Yeah, by little kids just like you."
"Oh. Like me?"
"Yep. and they made just enough money to buy some gum from the gumball machine at Pat And Oscars."
Oh how exciting this was too him. "Can I make one too? I want a red gumball. A red one!" It's his favorite color you know.
"Well, listen close buddy. When Obama is kicked out of office, the new administration just might bring the tax rate back down, then they may give companies incentives, such as tax brakes, to bring their business back to the US. So they might come back home and make their stuff here. Then you can make one. Ok?"
'Ok! Ok! Reeeeeeeeeeddddddd gggggguuuuuuuummmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllssssssssss!" Was shouted around the house for the rest of the day.
In addition to being a Hot Dad (and Smokin' Husband), I publish a daily politics and current events satire blog over at Dogs and Jeans. I was doing some reviews of the site traffic statistics this weekend and became puzzled over some of the data related to key words. As many of you know, much traffic to websites can be gained by using words or phrases that are popular in search engines. For example, if many people want to read about Casey Anthony, they might type her name into a Google or Yahoo search. If you include a reference to Casey Anthony in your blog, your post could pop up as a possible source of information for that person. Because I've written "Casey Anthony" twice (now three times), this posting itself might be on the Google search results now.
I understand that and will often choose news items to lampoon based on what is currently trending on the Internet. I was surprised then to learn that many of my readers arrive at Dogs and Jeans by entering key words completely unrelated to what I've been writing about. In fact, some of the phrases are downright strange.
Demotivation: This is the most common Google search that brings people in. This is not surprising as one of the most popular weekly features I have are the Friday Demotivational Posters. Often they are themed (e.g. animals or boobs) and gathered from around the web as well as posting originals posters.
Maria Shriver Naked: Here's where it stars to get weird. I have only mentioned Maria Shriver twice in the three years I've been posting and never specifically described her as 'naked'. One post did list a number of celebrities who should be featured in Playboy ahead of Lindsey Lohan. That list also included Steve Buscemi and The Borg Queen. However, 'Steve Buscemi naked' is not driving traffic to read the post.
More troubling is the notion that there are people out there searching for naked imaged of Maria Shriver. Really? Maria Shriver? With the veritable cornucopia of fashion models, celebrities and amateur porn stars available, how is searching for naked 56 year old Kennedys?
McDonald's Uniform: Another puzzler. Only five Dogs and Jeans posts reference McDonald's and nothing specific to the uniform. I did once post a photo of Queen Elizabeth wearing one behind the counter, but I don't think people are looking for that. Unless they are and that's really odd.
Presidents: We have to wait until #4 for it to make sense. I have written plenty about the US presidents, some of it legitimate (okay only a little bit legitimate) and lots of lampooning. Did you know that William Henry Harrison's term in office was limited to 32 days due to peanut allergies? It wasn't but if you update his wikipedia page with that information, it becomes fact.
Fat Actress: And back to the crazy searches. I have certainly mentioned Kirstie Alley occasionally for a laugh, but she has not been a staple of my satire. Perhaps people are not searching for her specifically. Maybe there is a group of men out there who just like fat actresses of any sort. If I post about Cameron Mannheim or Shelley Winters, will Google bring more Fat Actress Fans in?
50 States: One very popular piece I post each July 4 is my homage to each of the 50 states. Not exactly schoolroom material, but still fun.
Biking Shorts Bulge: I'm at a loss with this phase. I have never written about biking shorts bulges or posted pictures of them (to my knowledge). Who is sitting down at the computer (likely in a public library) and typing "biking shorts bulge"? It's just weird. It's not like it's something funny like "yoga pants camel toe".
All in all it makes me wonder if it's worth making the effort to be topical if people are only reading my posts because they typed in "Ukrainian Nipple Cleansing" or "Brad Pitt Eating a Turkey Sandwich" into a Google search.
Block parties in my neighborhood are not really kid friendly. Not when one of the dads walks around with two bottles of whiskey forcing shots on any innocent bystander he can find, and the older kidless generations of neighbors have a few kegs on ice in the middle of the street, and the random groups of single middle aged roughian types who swap each other on any given night, are so piss drunk they can barely speak a coherent thought, and all the parents of the twelve plus kids under 6yo that I hang out with, either yell at their kids for well, just being kids doing what kids do, or are tossing back shots or chugging a 50/50 margarita blend, and scream obscenities at each other because they just think it's funny to do while being drunk around all the kids that are just barely within earshot.
I know I know, some of you are thinking that I am just getting old and prun...udish. Maybe, maybe. But also, maybe they just suck. Maybe parents need to get a fucken clue. Maybe some parents need to learn, yes learn, because they obviously don't know, when it is okay to bring your kids out in public. Because the way I now see it, it is not okay to drag your kids around as you and everyone around you are getting piss drunk. I'm not talking about having a drink or two with a couple friends. I am talking about an entire steet drinking untill they are stupid. Tossing back the sauce the way the rest of us did in college. Prior to kids. When we didn't have to worry about our small children running around wild in the streets as we, well do the same thing. When we didn't have to be coherent at night to put our kids safely to bed. When we didn't have to hold our temper. Because when a 4 year old girl doesn't want to share her doll, there really is no reason to smack her on the ass and scream bloody murder in her face. Unless of course, if your shitfaced, because then, apparently it is okay.
So I left. Grabbed my kids, and my sober self, and walked away. There are times and places when it is simply not okay to have the kids in tow. Just because most people are doing it. Just because some parents think they are putting on a family event in the neighborhood, or a family playgroup every friday evening at someones house, does not mean it's okay to drink yourself into a stupor and bring your kids along for the ride. I realize I may be irritating some of you, I know most people drink and have no problem drinking heavily around their kids. I know this, because nearly everyone in my neighborhood does it. And of course, I used to be an alcohalic. But I just don't think it's okay. And I have vowed to myself that when the parents start getting drunk, we will leave. I fear that eventually, as my 3 and 1 year old get older, I will simply stop hanging out with the other families in the neighborhood once any alcohal comes out. I'll do it, for the sake of my kids. They deserve it.
Maybe that doesn't make me a Hot Dad. Maybe. But just like I believe it shows a sign of strength to be able to cry in front of someone. It is also a strength to set healthy boundaries for my family. And to not be afraid to walk away from a playgroup when many of the adults are acting more wreckless than their young kids. It is okay to not go with the flow, to not do what everyone else is doing. It's okay when it benefits my family and protects my kids.
I was an alcohalic. I drank and smoked myself stupid for several years. So I wonder this. Sometime in the future, I have no doubt that several of these parents I hang out with in my neighborhood will eventually realize they have a drinking problem. And when they do, they will look back and be racked with guilt and embarresment at all the social family neighborhood events they were plastered at. At all the times they were piss drunk in front of their kids, and thought they were having fun along with everyone else. Of course, right now if I speek up, they will mock me. They will look at me and resent the fact that I don't think it's okay to get plastered at our playgroups. So I will hold my tounge. And I will laugh when they finally realize it for themselves. I discovered this truth several years ago. Everyone eventually does. When will they? Untill then, I will simply distance myself from them.
"That's a pyramid." I pointed out to the boy as we watched the opening scene to Despicable Me. As we do nearly every day.
"'re ahh ack."
"Uer ahhn cack?" He repeated, while trying to keep his eys on the movie, but still tilting his head my way while affording me a slight glance.
That last one got my attention, as I staired at him as if asking to repeat what he said in a more coherent form of the phrase. But I felt certain I had understood but wanted clarification. And yes, it was just as I thought.
"You're on crack." He said then went back to Despicable.
Yep, that's what our 3yo just told me. And with conviction, as if it is an irrefutable fact. Simply put, I am a crack head. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. Dang dude, I wouldn't expect to hear that sort of thing out of him untill he was at least, I don't know, 4 or 4.5.
I blame all the alcoholics we hang out with down the street for that little gem. What, you think I go around the house tellimg my kids their on crack? Well, sometimes I feel they may be, but I wouldn't tell them that. Where else would he have heard it? My parents house? Yeah, I can see it now, my mom lecturing me about why I need to dedicate my life to her latest alternative medicine treatments, and my dad bitching about why people suck and how his dogs are smarter and more human than everyone, while at the same time throwing out sayings like 'you're a crack head'. Our alcoholic play group, yep. They did it damnit. Yes, nearly every parent in our neighboorhood is an alchy. You should hear some of the things that slip from their intoxicated mouths while the kids are all frollicking around. Small kids and alcohal don't really go together. Someone needs to tell tham that.
I haven’t been blogging much these past few months, mainly because I was in a car accident (whiplash, concussion, and car was totaled). I simply haven’t had the time or energy. Plus I feel like crap (light-headed, tired, achy) if I don’t hold my neck and head in the absolute perfect position. Staring at a computer is hard work. No joke! (Though you can feel free to make jokes. I have thick skin. Just not thick enough to hold my friggin head, neck, and shoulders in a position that doesn’t hurt. But I’m working on it.)
So what have I been doing? Here’s my
Top 5 ways I’ve spent my time while recovering:
5) Sleeping!!! – sleep truly is the great elixir. If I work up enough energy to ride my beach cruiser, I sleep like a baby that night.
4) Physical therapy – my therapist is helping me re-learn how to move correctly. First I had to get my flexibility back. Now I’m working on strength. No, not Popeye arm strength or WWE steroid strength. Simply enough back strength to help me keep a posture that doesn’t hurt my f**ing neck!
3) Eating – I’ve always cooked and eaten well to fuel my sports, and now I’m cooking and eating well to fuel my recovery. Of course, I don’t eat as much as I used to, since I’m not burning three-zillion calories a day. But I have a hungry and growing teen son who is starting to lap me at the dinner table, so everything is getting eaten.
2) Working – my ass off, whenever I'm not sleeping. I actually started an iPhone app development company last fall, and over the winter built an iPhone alarm clock app that totally rocks (IMHO). Now I'm plugging it to the press (and plugging it here!) I’ll blog about it in detail later, after its gotten some reviews. (If you're curious, here's the iTunes app store link to the alarm clock app. The screens are gorgeous, so take a peek. I won't go into features, lest my shameless self-promotion incite a Hot Dads riot. But rest assured, the features rock, too! Haha.)
1) More sleep! See points 2, 3, and 4 above. I need my rest.
Looking over this list, I realize it reads sort of like a vacation planner to-do list. So here’s my
Top 5 Ways for a Hot Dad to Spend Vacation:
5) Sleep! Preferably on the beach or in a hammock
4) Physical therapy – of the bedroom variety with a hot girlfriend (I’m divorced) or hot wife (for the married guys). Of course, tennis, golf, cycling, swimming, diving are all physical therapies too. So is couch sex.
3) Eating - all you can eat buffets cooked by an executive chef in a resort or cruise ship are perfect on vacation. So is fine dining in a high-end restaurant, or slumming it on the street from an ethnic food truck. As long as someone else cooks, it’s all good.
2) Working – on your tennis swing, golf swing, fishing cast, sailboat mastery, etc. You get the point.
1) More sleep!
Now then, if only I was recovering from my car accident in Spain or Greece or Hawaii, with a gorgeous woman taking care of me, I’d be set…
Lately the advice I have been dispensing on my morning rides has not been as interesting as in the past. Mostly rashes, weeping sores and hallucinations. And that's just the driver! Bah-dum-cha! But seriously, there hasn't been anything noteworthy to share with you fine readers.
However this morning someone left a copy of Men's Health on the seat and I had a glance through. Lot's of great recipes, exercises and pics of gals in their underpants. However I did take exception to some of the advice handed out by their "Experts". I thought I'd share my thoughts on these pressing questions:
"How does my body build muscle?" from Ryan in Ocala, FL
The expert goes on a long winded explanation of myofibrils, sarcoplasm and the role of resistance training. However the real answer to a great physique is beer and hot dogs. Did you ever see a picture of Babe Ruth? Now there was a guy with Adonis DNA and he never lifted a weight in his life. So my advice to you Ryan is pick up a six pack of Schlitz and fire up the grill!
"What's the best way to banish bad breath?" from Deepak in Concord, MA.
Again way too much blather about plaque and gum disease. You want a kissable mouth Deepak? Lay off the Indian food!
"What are some red flags auditors are looking for on my tax return?" from Eric in Taos, NM
I won't even bother going into what the experts said because even as a doctor I know enough tax law to know your first mistake is in filing a tax return. Eric, they can't audit you if you never get on 'The List". Just remain in your converted tool shed in the woods and wait it out until the coming revolution, Comrade.
"I've heard all the dangers of cellphones, but what about my WiFi network at home?" from Michael in Brooklyn, NY.
The expert advice was pretty much on the money that wireless signals likely don't pose any cancer threat. However, living anywhere near New York, or other big cities like LA, Dallas, Chicago etc. you are so exposed to multiple forms of radiation, both terrestrial and alien, that I recommend wearing a ball cap lined with tinfoil at all times.
"When my kids play an April Fools' joke, should I fall for it" from Juan in Dallas, TX
Again the experts are correct that playing along teaches kids valuable lessons about a sense of humor and being a good sport. However, they fall short by not recommending you escalate the payback. If your kids"salt" your morning coffee, you spike their Cheerios with lock-washers. If they tie your shoe-laces together, you stick a broom handle in their bicycle spokes. Now that's good family fun!
"Sex addiction is a joke, right? Aren't we all addicted?" from Ben in Sedona, AZ
I was busy masturbating by this time so I don't know what the experts advised.
My Ex-wife showed up at my office a few days ago to once again accuse me of not giving her support payments, even though I had the cancelled cheques to prove she had received the money. Curiously my dog knew she had arrived moments before I did. I wish I had his heightened senses; I could have saved myself a lot of grief.
On Friday, my teenage daughter called me from school asking for my help. She found out her march in science was in the low 30's. The teacher had given her the opportunity to re-do some of her assignments and re-test this week. She claimed she didn't understand the material and if I'd help.
I told her I'd be glad to work with her as I only had plans that night and early morning hockey each morning. I told her to ask her mom when she got home and that I'd get her on my way home from work. Half an hour later my Ex called asking why I was too busy to help my daughter with her school work!
WHAT? (said with rising voice)
Apparently my daughter went home and told her mom the exact opposite of the conversation. She got her mom all worked up about her dad abandoning her and choosing his new family over her etc. Why would she do that? Why ask for my help if you just want to use it to start a fight? What possible benefit did she get from throwing me under the bus?
I have racked my brain to figure this out. Do your kids lie to get your Ex's angry with you?
Do you feel you are nothing more than "a meal, clean clothes and a ride" to your kids? If you are tired of nagging your kids until you are blue in the face, read on. Want to rid your home of temper tantrums, rolling eyes and screams of "I hate you!", read on.
My wife and I have been reading "Have A New Kid By Friday" since Christmas. I can't recommend it highly enough. Even if your children are angels ALL THE TIME, there are still some benefits to be had. The application is easy because it doesn't require you to do anything more than saying something once and following through.
No yelling (by you). No threats (by you). No drama (on your part)
If your child is rude, disrespectful or does not do as you ask, you simply refuse to do or provide something they want in the near future. The "Gimme, Gimme!!" scene at Walmart results in not having the usual snack or play date they had been counting on later that day. The laundry that has remained unfolded despite your request results in not driving to Stacy's party like the child hoped. You calmly tell them why you "don't feel like doing" that activity for them because of they way they treated you.
Holy smokes the lessons work and work fast. You don't have to plan an detailed discussion, or develop an elaborate communication strategy. Instead, state your decision and the reason and walk away. Toddlers to teens, boys and girls, even step-children are much nicer children to have around by the time you finish chapter 3.
If you are like many lonely, single people, you dread the annual arrival of the Hallmark Holiday of Valentine's Day. The good folk over at The Onion had you in mind when they broadcast the yearly Stoning of A Happy Couple.
While there was really nothing that could make up for the horrible, horrible half-time performance by the Black Eyed Peas, the crop of clever ads came pretty close. Even people who have no interest in football watch the NFL Championship Game to enjoy the most expensive 30 second spots of the year.
My favorites were the Ameritrade Baby and Ozzy for Best Buy.
Over the weekend, my two teenage sons taught me some sexual lingo I had never heard of. The circumstances for how this conversation came about are irrelevant but once the door was opened with a description of "felching", it was a rush by each of them to share their knowledge of the slang for acts so bizarre, I couldn't help but listen.
Now, I was never the most adventurous fornicator in my youth and that has not changed into adulthood. There are a handful of basic positions that seem to do the job in the Pleasure Department. I have never had the desire to "experiment" to any great degree but, while not being a prude, I don't deny the right of others to practice whatever they want as long as it does no harm to their partner.
Furthermore, I had no reason to believe either boy had any direct experience with any the following but their enthusiasm was matched only by my revulsion as they described:
felching: The act of sucking semen from your partner's anus
dirty sanchez: The act of wiping your partner's fecal matter across her upper lip
donkey punch: The act of punching your partner in the back of the head while penetrating anally, thereby increasing the force of the anal contractions
rusty trombone: The act of analingus by while masturbating your partner (mimicking the slide of a trombone with the penis)
As you might guess, the language above is my translation of their description. Once I learned that these acts even exist (and can never unlearn) I had to wonder how a practice I cold never imagine in the first place was common enough to even have a nickname? Should I have come up with any of these, and had the guts to suggest trying it to my partner, I would certainly never share it with the outside world.
However, it would seem that not only are there enough people "doing" them, they occur enough to give them a nickname. Rather than say "He, I took dump on my girlfriend's chest last night," a person need only say " I did a Cleveland Steamer on my girlfriend."
Good news everyone! If you have been wondering whether or not you are a good parent, relief is at hand. No more will you worry you are spending too much time at work, or your meals are not as nutritious as they could be. There is freedom from guilt that you haven't taken your kids to Disneyland. If you have been concerned you don't set a good example because you smoke or drink too much. No way could you be the Worst Parent In The World. Octomom is!
Nadya Suleman, the mother of octuplets only a year ago, has decided that raising 14 kids with no income is a terrible idea. So she decided to do something about it. But what to do to raise money... Hmm...
Write a book about the experience. Nope. Too much effort.
Go on the lecture circuit counselling people about the fertility technology abuse. Nah. A person would actually have to have some charisma and appeal to fill a lecture hall.
Eureka! Make a porno!
But not just a regular "naive, pretty girl from a small town comes to the big city and has to have sex in a variety of manners with the director/doctor/fireman/director's wife in order to realize her dream" kind of porno. No. She needs to make a weird fetish porno where she whips and then nurses a guy dressed in a diaper.
Is that filmed in her own house? Is that her actual crib? Where the hell are her kids? Please tell me you at least locked them in the car for the afternoon rather that have then watch these shenanigans!
So there you have it. No matter how much you berate your son for striking out at T-ball, or dress your 3 year old daughter up like a 1930's hooker for the toddler beauty pageant, you are still a better mom that Octomom.
Many of the web sites I visit, including Facebook, are laced with advertising. Nearly 75% of those ads offer promises of a flat belly. I'm not sure whether Google (or whoever hosts these spots) knows about my body and feeds me the enticing little tidbits, or if 6-pack abs are in such demand, everyone one the Internet sees them.
To better catch my attention, the blurbs feature a sexy girl in a little white top, or a muscly dude with 0% body fat. All you need to do is click on the ad and you should receive the secret the melts away body fat without diet or exercise!
However, all you get is another website full of testimonials about some weird fruit from Africa or South America that transforms your body at a low, low cost. All you need to do is pay the ridiculously high shipping costs! To further their claims, the sites feature before and after photos of people who not only lost 50, 100 or 150 pounds, but reversed their age by as much as 15 years (according to the pictures). To provide a degree of veracity to the claims, the web sites appear to have been features on ABC, NBC and CBS news! So you know it must be true.
There is only one way to lose weight: consume fewer calories than you expend in a day. That's it.
If many of you out there are like me (let’s call you the “Lucky Ones”), you have put off making New Year’s Resolutions, such as ‘I will stop procrastinating”. But if you don't want to stare blankly when the same old smug bastards ask “So, have you made any New Year’s Resolutions?”, you'll need to have a response other than looking at the ground with embarrassment and kicking a clod of frozen slush with your worn out sneakers.
You will need Dogs & Jeans trusty Random Resolution Generator (patent pending). It has been scientifically designed (meaning: I thought it up on the bus this morning and asked a couple of homeless guys what they thought) to give you at least three suitable resolutions, no matter how miserable, hopeless or just plain bat-shit crazy you are. Happy New Year!!!
Parental Relations In 2011 I resolve to:
have a sit down dinner with my parents at least once a week.
call my parents at least once a week.
stop wearing my mom’s clothes and finally let the funeral home take her remains.
Intellectual Development In 2011 I resolve to:
enroll in at least one continuing education program at my local community college.
watch at least one series on PBS.
read at least one article in Playboy's "Girls of the Big 10"
Family Relations In 2011 I resolve to:
get involved in an outdoor activity with my kids at least one night a week.
turn off the TV and just talk to my kids at least one night a week.
let the kids out of the basement at least one hour a week for some sunshine.
Spousal Relations In 2011 I resolve to:
tell my spouse “I love you” at least once a day.
do something nice for my spouse without being asked at least once a week.
cut back sleeping with my neighbor’s spouse to only once a month.
Career Management In 2011 I resolve to:
work late one day a week to demonstrate my commitment to the company.
finish at least one special project for my boss.
limit surfing for porn at the office to only three hours per day.
Spiritual Development In 2011 I resolve to:
attend my local church or synagogue at least once a month
attend a service of a faith I don't belong to
stop fantasizing about nuns when I abuse myself
Health and Fitness In 2011 I resolve to:
train for and complete at least one marathon or 10K race.
participate in a fitness class at least twice a week.
eat no more donuts than my body weight.
Money Management In 2011 I resolve to:
save 10% of every pay cheque.
pay my credit cards off in full each month.
marry someone stinking rich no matter how repulsive (or what gender) they are.
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