Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year's Resoltions

If many of you out there are like me (let’s call you the “Lucky Ones”), you have put off making New Year’s Resolutions, such as ‘I will stop procrastinating”. But if you don't want to stare blankly when the same old smug bastards ask “So, have you made any New Year’s Resolutions?”, you'll need to have a response other than looking at the ground with embarrassment and kicking a clod of frozen slush with your worn out sneakers.

You will need Dogs & Jeans trusty Random Resolution Generator (patent pending). It has been scientifically designed (meaning: I thought it up on the bus this morning and asked a couple of homeless guys what they thought) to give you at least three suitable resolutions, no matter how miserable, hopeless or just plain bat-shit crazy you are. Happy New Year!!!

Parental Relations
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. have a sit down dinner with my parents at least once a week.
  2. call my parents at least once a week.
  3. stop wearing my mom’s clothes and finally let the funeral home take her remains.

Intellectual Development
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. enroll in at least one continuing education program at my local community college.
  2. watch at least one series on PBS.
  3. read at least one article in Playboy's "Girls of the Big 10"

Family Relations
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. get involved in an outdoor activity with my kids at least one night a week.
  2. turn off the TV and just talk to my kids at least one night a week.
  3. let the kids out of the basement at least one hour a week for some sunshine.
Spousal Relations
In 2011 I resolve to:

  1. tell my spouse “I love you” at least once a day.
  2. do something nice for my spouse without being asked at least once a week.
  3. cut back sleeping with my neighbor’s spouse to only once a month.
Career Management
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. work late one day a week to demonstrate my commitment to the company.
  2. finish at least one special project for my boss.
  3. limit surfing for porn at the office to only three hours per day.

Spiritual Development
In 2011 I resolve to:

  1. attend my local church or synagogue at least once a month
  2. attend a service of a faith I don't belong to
  3. stop fantasizing about nuns when I abuse myself

Health and Fitness
In 2011 I resolve to:

  1. train for and complete at least one marathon or 10K race.
  2. participate in a fitness class at least twice a week.
  3. eat no more donuts than my body weight.
Money Management
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. save 10% of every pay cheque.
  2. pay my credit cards off in full each month.
  3. marry someone stinking rich no matter how repulsive (or what gender) they are.


KittyCat said...

I am seriously liking # 3 in all of those.
Does that make me b a d ?

I dont make them, I just set goals.
that I know I can obtain.

: )

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

Lisa said...

thanks for the laughs!!!! :)

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