What's Wronge With the Internet?

In addition to being a Hot Dad (and Smokin' Husband), I publish a daily politics and current events satire blog over at Dogs and Jeans. I was doing some reviews of the site traffic statistics this weekend and became puzzled over some of the data related to key words. As many of you know, much traffic to websites can be gained by using words or phrases that are popular in search engines. For example, if many people want to read about Casey Anthony, they might type her name into a Google or Yahoo search. If you include a reference to Casey Anthony in your blog, your post could pop up as a possible source of information for that person. Because I've written "Casey Anthony" twice (now three times), this posting itself might be on the Google search results now.

I understand that and will often choose news items to lampoon based on what is currently trending on the Internet. I was surprised then to learn that many of my readers arrive at Dogs and Jeans by entering key words completely unrelated to what I've been writing about. In fact, some of the phrases are downright strange.

1. Demotivation: This is the most common Google search that brings people in. This is not surprising as one of the most popular weekly features I have are the Friday Demotivational Posters. Often they are themed (e.g. animals or boobs) and gathered from around the web as well as posting originals posters.
2. Maria Shriver Naked: Here's where it stars to get weird. I have only mentioned Maria Shriver twice in the three years I've been posting and never specifically described her as 'naked'. One post did list a number of celebrities who should be featured in Playboy ahead of Lindsey Lohan. That list also included Steve Buscemi and The Borg Queen. However, 'Steve Buscemi naked' is not driving traffic to read the post.
   
   More troubling is the notion that there are people out there searching for naked imaged of Maria Shriver. Really? Maria Shriver? With the veritable cornucopia of fashion models, celebrities and amateur porn stars available, how is searching for naked 56 year old Kennedys?

3. McDonald's Uniform: Another puzzler. Only five Dogs and Jeans posts reference McDonald's and nothing specific to the uniform. I did once post a photo of Queen Elizabeth wearing one behind the counter, but I don't think people are looking for that. Unless they are and that's really odd.
4. Presidents: We have to wait until #4 for it to make sense. I have written plenty about the US presidents, some of it legitimate (okay only a little bit legitimate) and lots of lampooning. Did you know that William Henry Harrison's term in office was limited to 32 days due to peanut allergies? It wasn't but if you update his wikipedia page with that information, it becomes fact.
5. Fat Actress: And back to the crazy searches. I have certainly mentioned Kirstie Alley occasionally for a laugh, but she has not been a staple of my satire. Perhaps people are not searching for her specifically. Maybe there is a group of men out there who just like fat actresses of any sort. If I post about Cameron Mannheim or Shelley Winters, will Google bring more Fat Actress Fans in?
6. 50 States: One very popular piece I post each July 4 is my homage to each of the 50 states. Not exactly schoolroom material, but still fun.
7. Biking Shorts Bulge: I'm at a loss with this phase. I have never written about biking shorts bulges or posted pictures of them (to my knowledge). Who is sitting down at the computer (likely in a public library) and typing "biking shorts bulge"? It's just weird. It's not like it's something funny like "yoga pants camel toe".

All in all it makes me wonder if it's worth making the effort to be topical if people are only reading my posts because they typed in "Ukrainian Nipple Cleansing" or "Brad Pitt Eating a Turkey Sandwich" into a Google search.

The Peace Corps

By TentCamper

This friend of mine joined the Peace Corps a few years ago. He was a young guy and wanted to do something special…something for others. He was soon sent off to some desert area near Egypt for his first mission (or whatever they call it) to help build school houses and teach children in need. What a great guy. Smart, loving, dedicated, honest and giving.

Anyway, when he returned we got together for a few beers and to talk about his “journey.” After he had downed more than a pitcher, he began telling me a story that I don’t think he ever intended on telling anyone…but I just sat there nodding my head…and listening.

The story goes as follows:

“So once I got to the desert Corps camp, I was shown into the camp manager’s office. He had me sit down and proceeded to go over all of the rules, timelines, jobs, personnel, etc. When he was done he showed me to my bunk house. I got my stuff situated and joined up with the rest of the workers and started on my journey to help those in need. After a few weeks, I noticed (out of nothing more than my manly urges) that there were no women at the camp. I brought it up to one of my co-workers who said that due to the local customs, women were not allowed to work here and that I should go talk about it with the camp manager. I was a bit embarrassed so I did nothing about it at the time. After a few more weeks, the urges were getting pretty bad and the sleeping quarters and showers were not conducive for pleasuring my self. I decided to bite the bullet and go talk to the camp manager about it.

I went into the office and told the camp manager that I’d been there for more than 6 weeks and was wondering if there were any women that were around…I was getting pretty frustrated and kind of wanted some release. The manager looked at me and said, “Well…around the back of the office…there is a camel…” I cut him off there and said, “Thanks but I’ll be ok.” And I bolted from the office.

It was about a month later when I went back to the office, basically clutching my groin…as if I were going to explode. I told the manager, again, about my situation and he once again said, “OK, there is a camel in the barn behind this building and that is what most of the guys here use…” I cut him off again and ran from the office…thinking about how nasty that would be…especially after all off these other guys…fuck that!

Now I had been there for 3 and a half months…I ran into the manager’s office, with duress on my face. I sternly asked about that camel. He pointed out the back window to the barn. I ran out the door and around to the barn. After grabbing a stool from the side of the barn and placing it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and ….OH MY GOD! I have to say that it did not take me long at all. It did not even really click that it was a camel until after…and at that point…I didn’t care.

I ran back into the manager’s office, with a huge grin on my face and said, “That was great!...Can I do that whenever I want?” The manager looked at me with the strangest eyes that I’d ever seen and said, “what the hell are you talking about? What happened?” I told him that I grabbed a stool from the side of the barn and placed it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and …you know. The manager, let his head fall into his hands and then, after a few seconds, looked up at me with a shitty grin and said to me, “Holy shit boy! Most of the guys get the camel and ride it into the town about 20 miles east of here!”

That was my last day at that camp…I insisted on being transferred to a completely different region where I finished out my 6 months...from that point on…I decided to wait til I got back to the states to get laid.” I have to say that I really hope that this story was not true…I never brought it up with him again, but these days I’m thinking that he’s not as smart as I used to think he was.

Selling out for spam

I recently got a spam e-mail, alone amongst all the offers to "grow [my] membr" and "plezure her all nite" and such, with the straightforward title: "Write me some words".

I'm not sure exactly what they were going for here, since Gmail so helpfully blocked all the content and put a red warning banner on it for me, but I must admit I was momentarily fascinated. How specific are these people getting? Are they really taking the time to hand-pick addresses from across the Web and send things like this to targeted audiences like myself?

Are they picturing some beret-wearing English major dropping his jaw at seeing this title, likely read in his mind with a slight pant and kittenish tone, given the steamy setting, and eagerly clicking to find out more about this easy romantic conquest, the one finally won over by his arguably above-moderate skill at selecting words?

Allow me just a moment to wipe the sweat out from under my beret while I compose a response laced with the appropriate amount of disdain.

You will never catch me, spammers, never! No matter how clever you think you are, or how many times you can fool the first-tier spam filters with your creative spelling.

Come to think of it, I have to wonder how many bitter English majors have been reduced to writing these e-mails, given the sluggish earning power of most of my ilk, and the tricksy/antiquated phrasing I've seen appear in this entertaining little folder.

Should I join the ranks of these turncoats? Do I have a better economic choice? Perhaps I should reply to this polite Nigerian fellow here, to see if he has any suggestions?

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Posted by LiteralDan