Happy Is As Happy Does

Happiness – it is one of mankind’s emotions that can’t be explained in any set way. Everyone reads and expressed happiness in a different way.

I know that for me, I see true happiness only in a person’s eyes. They can speak cheerfully…and still not truly be happy. They can walk with a ‘pep in their step’…but may just be suffering from ADHD. They can smile, give a high five or even compliment someone…but still not be happy on the inside.

I guess there might be something to that old adage “the eyes are the windows to the soul.” When I look into someone’s eyes…I can instantly tell if they are happy, sad, scared, angry or confused.

One of the things I love most in life is looking someone in the eye and seeing pure joy and happiness flickering around like a star-filled night…right there in their eyes.

The downside to all of this is the fact that when I look into people’s eyes…and do not see the happiness sparkling around…it makes me sad…or confused as to my possible involvement in their unhappiness. It also makes me feel as though I should try to help them…do something to make them happy.

It is one of those things that I consider to be like the yawning contagion … being around unhappy people …and seemingly not being able to help fix their situation…tends to suck the sparkle from my eyes. I end up not looking at people’s eyes, walking like a freakin sloth and battling with how I make myself once again happy.

Since I don’t know where this is going…if anywhere…I’ll just say that for anyone who is or plans on being around me…..BE HAPPY and let your eyes sparkle!!!!!!

True Love

Well everyone….since you liked my last poem, I thought I’d shoot another masterpiece out there for you.


US

ManicMariah to you, plain Mariah to me
Whatever she’s called, she is Hot indeed

Her sexy body and loony mind
Boy we’re lucky she one of a kind

She love animals, dogs, monkeys and owls
But really hates when I talk of my bowels

Her kids are smart, say thank you and please
She sits and blogs, with her perky double D’s

A woman with the kindest heart
She even giggles when I burp and fart

She’s been called a MILF and a hottie too
Treating her right is all I can do

I will not discus details of my loins
But we see stars while counting coins

Getting lost in the woods is a regular thing
But being with her, I feel like a king

I’m going to keep her, forever if I can
With her on my arm, “I am THE MAN!”

Forever and ever, I envision it every day
Holy crap!…I’m glad I’m not gay!

Rooftop Investigation

I don’t know about the rest of you but I live a few blocks from the ocean and have a multitude of seagulls flying overhead at any given time. Additionally, our neighborhood has a crow population that must rival that of China and with fruit trees, we have a gang of mockingbirds and a more than typical population of hummingbirds.

Now…the other day I was up on our roof, doing some man shit, when I noticed that I did not see any bird shit on the roof. A bit surprised, due to the above paragraph, I searched the entire roof. (Yes, I was on the roof scanning for bird scat.) I looked up, and saw a bunch of the pesky fliers that I’ve been talking about…but no poo. Then I took it upon myself to find the best locations on the roof to see the neighboring houses’ roofs. Not having the eyesight that I did in my younger years, I jumped through a window and grabbed my binoculars.

Once back up on the roof, I began scanning the close by rooftops through my binoculars. Still not seeing even one splattering of bird shit…I began letting it really bother me. I stayed up there for what seemed like an eternity, looking from house to house through the binoculars.

Now most of you probably know that when one is looking through binoculars…you only see what you are aiming at…you remove all peripheral vision. Crouched down on the roof, black lenses glued to my face…and all of the sudden I heard, “you up there! What are you doing? Come down here!” Almost falling off the roof and nearly dropping the binoculars, I turned to see that the neighborhood security had seen me and stopped, thinking that I was looking through peoples’ windows.

I climbed down and approached the irritated and confused officer. Before he could say a word, I began explaining what I had been doing. The guy’s facial expression said, “What the fuck ever dude. I know what you were doing.” By the time I finished my story, he just burst out laughing. As both of us were cracking up, he blurted out, “That is the best story that I’ve ever heard on the job…or you need to find yourself a good hobby.”

Realizing that, although he was laughing, he was not sure if he believed me or not, I told him to look for himself…that he had to come up and see first hand. He refused but admitted that by me insisting and the sincerity in voice…that he believed my story. He jumped back into his car, still chuckling as he picked up his radio and drove off.

I have to say that I did not even realize what it must have looked like. Me sitting up on the roof with binoculars…looking at the neighbors’ houses.

I need to stop and think before doing some of the shit that I do!!!

Back to my question...and the reason for this post.

Why do you rarely find bird poo on roofs? Do they hold it while flying over neighborhoods? Save it for people at the beach or on picnics? I don't get it.

Hot Dads Calendar!!!!!

Many of you have been asking for a Hot Dads Calendar...so I have made the effort to collect photos from the guys. Now....since this IS an online thing and I'm sure you will all 'steal' the calendar instead of purchasing it...I am going to make you all guess who is who before mass producing the 2010 Hot Dads Calendar.

Guess away...(which one of the Hot Dads is actually a woman?)

To Pee Or Not To Pee

By TentCamper

As you may be able to tell from the name of my blog, I have a tendency to pee into the wind now and again. But that is not the only thing about pee that I like….I grew up in the northeast and spent many a winter producing creative ‘art’ on my white snow canvas. I peed on my brother after my other brother and I tied him up. I have (I am man enough to admit it) peed myself …as a grown man. I pee outdoors at every opportunity…bushes, behind trees, alleys, fields, off boats, in streams…you know…pretty much anywhere. In addition to all of that, I have a small bladder, so I go pretty much all the time.

As a 41 year old man, with all of the aforementioned experience, I do consider myself an expert…or urinary master extraordinaire…as I have been referred to from time to time.

With that said, I have considered writing books on the subject…things like Taking the Piss (The History of PEE) for the guys and How to Pee Standing Up for all of you ladies…who want to let loose and pee in the wind with me. Maybe I am talking about pee too much or maybe just sharing too much about myself personally, but I really don’t care. I love to pee.

You know when you have to pee really bad?...no when holding it hurts so much that you actually start to laugh. When you finally let go…it is complete ecstasy… A ‘peegasm’ if you will. Or when you (knowing how big or small your own bladder is) pee for so long that you wonder if something is wrong…then you just get that little smile on your face…you’ve actually impressed your own self. What about when ….oh never mind…you get my point.

Lastly, I got a bit upset when I saw this. Who do theses asses think they are anyways?

Divorce Court Update

By TentCamper

So as a few of you know, I was downtown Los Angeles today for my 9,864,567 appearance in divorce court. (The low number is due to the fact that this divorce only started in Spring of 2006.)

Anyway, as I was sitting and waiting to see the mediator and then for the judge, I took the 4 hours of ‘hall time’ to check out some of the freaks mulling about.

I hope that I don’t offend anyone reading this…it would not be my intention…but if you do get offended by this…there may be something wrong with you.

Alright, back to my being judgmental, voyeuristic…and bust plain mean.

I can’t recall what order I saw these in but here goes a glimpse of what my eyes witnessed …all before noon today:

A roughly 65 year old black woman walking down the hall, wearing baggy bright turquoise cotton pants and shirt with a train conductor style hat that looked to be made of tin foil. At first glance I thought she had some ready to eat Jiffy Pop balanced on her head.

A 50-something year old black man wearing purple basketball shoes, black jeans (with purple streaks all over, who accompanied his severe pimp walk with the use of a cane…but the cane was solely used as a sort of flare…he’d swing it up in front of him, then give it a bit of a twist (as if it were a move that he saw in some old Michael Jackson video that he thought was cool.) Oh yeah…and dangling from the end of the cane’s handle was about a 5 karat cubic zirconium, dancing itself all the way down the hall, hanging on a little 4 inch string.

A 5 foot 2 inch woman who had to weigh about 250 pounds wearing (unintentionally, I’m sure) skin tight, black pants and a big poofy, bright orange blouse…I could not help but to think ‘pumpkin’… ‘BIG pumpkin!’

A woman sitting on a bench in one of the side halls, breastfeeding her baby…and a 35 (or so) year old guy leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the hall…staring, with a creepy smirk and then he readjusted so that his file folders were in front of his crotch. (what was he trying to hide????)

A woman in her late 20’s (Persian I would guess) who had quite evidently had ‘mounds’ of work done on her large and in charge boobs. Her lips were ones that would make Lisa Rena jealous. The problem that I noticed is that SHE, not her man, wanted her to get the work done. Everything on her as she looked into a mirror, I’m sure, looked great to her. As she turned around…I notice that the woman had ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NO ASS. If a man wanted her to get cosmetic shit done to her…I assure you that he would have wanted ‘things’ proportional.
(Maybe the Dr. took her ass and shoved it into her chest and mouth.)

A mid 30’s woman, standing up against the wall across from me looking up and down the hall, (obviously waiting for someone.) She was holding her iPhone in both hands, down in front of her. Then I noticed that she kept twisting her phone back and forth…still glancing up and down the hall. Slow-ass me finally realized that she was iPhone-terbating…right there in the courthouse hallway! WTF!?

Oddly…the strangest one to me was ‘the guy’ that was lurking around the divorce court mediation office. I saw him at 7:30 AM, when I got there, talking to some woman. I thought nothing of it until she was called in and then I saw him winking as he approached some other girl waiting to get her divorce finalized. This guy was still there at 11:30 when I was leaving mediation…and he was sitting and trying to strike up a conversation with some other lady…who by the way wanted nothing to do with him.
(I suppose it is one place to meet a woman who may be in the need for a shoulder…but fuck dude!!!)

THIS, MY FRIENDS IS WHY I NEED A BLACKBERRY OR iPHONE...THEN YOU WOULD HAVE PICTURES TO GO ALONG WITH MY ATTEMPTS AT DESCRIBING THIS...HORROR.

English Sucks!!!

This subject makes me absolutely insane at times. Maybe it is my ‘fragile’ mental state …or maybe it is just my longing for simplicity…but what the fuck is up with the English language?

I could go on and on about words that make no sense to me and will most likely have a series of posts on the subject. The first in the series has to do with words such as;
Immature (not mature)
Impossible (not possible)
Inaccurate (not accurate)
Insecure (not secure)
Infertile (not fertile)
Unacceptable (not acceptable)
Unfair (not fair)
Nonsensical (not make sense)
Nonbeliever (not a believer)
Etc.

Can’t they just pick one prefix? I don’t get why there needs to be 4 prefixes that mean exactly the same thing.

How do you rationally explain to a child why these words are different?

Maybe I should just start using the one that makes most sense to me…”UN” and say shit like, “Don’t be so unmature. The reason that you are giving me for why you feel unsecure is unaccurate.”

GGGGRRRRRR………….
10 AM and now I feel like I need a drink.
Someone fix this stupid language!!!!!!!!

Kids, Immagination and Yoda

Am I the only one who thinks that imaginary friends are an odd fucking thing?

I have come to find out that I live in a house with 3 girls and 1 (really sexy) woman who all have or had imaginary friends.

We talked about it at dinner tonight and I could not be convinced that having imaginary friends was a normal, everyday thing. I was bombarded with fun little chatter about everyone’s ‘friends’…including the chickens that lived in one’s eyes…who even had a slide, the little boy Charlie who had to go everywhere with them and even had to have plates of food prepared and set out for him, the hand/finger elephant that would play for hours on end, and yes, the group of stuffed animals and dolls that were actually alive and talked…but only one person could hear them….

I proceeded to say that I never had an imaginary friend, played with dolls, talked to my hand or any stuffed creatures that resided in my room. Along with all of that…I do not recall any of my 5 brothers and sisters having any of the above either. The closest I think I came was pretending that I was Yoda and trying to move shit 'with the force.'

Their response…almost simultaneously was…”you are no fun…lighten up!”

Maybe my thoughts have something to do with my mother being a child psychotherapist…me majoring in psychology or the numerous movies and TV shows that I’ve seen where the kids with those imaginary friends pick up an axe or flame thrower…or some shit like that and kill everyone who can’t hear their friend.

Any of you have thoughts on this subject?

A Better Man

Conflicted, twisted, can’t get it straight
Feelings of uselessness invade the mind
Is there a better man for them?
A candle flickering, the sun peaking through clouds
Fighting off the self disgust
Jealousy, insecurity...the stabbing pain
Is there a better man for them?
Doing my best…not nearly enough
Happy but hating
Loving and loved…but is it enough
Things can’t go on in the manner they are
Is there a better man for them?
The scale teeters, weight on both sides
What is for the best – love or money
Clutching to a thread, unable to choose
I had better be right, I’ve got everything to lose

Am I helping or hurting?

Instruction Guys

There are two types of guys in the world: those who read instructions and those who don’t.

I’m the former. If something comes with an instruction book, be it a new camera or a new car, I’m compelled to read the thing cover to cover. I want to know what my stuff does and how to make it do it. I like to squirrel myself away into a quiet corner of the house, crack open the book and read and tinker until I’ve hit the back cover. Every once in a while I usually call out to WonderWife™, “Do you know that [gadget] does [incredibly cool thing]?” And she calls back, “I don’t care!”

There are a lot of guys on the other side of the fence. Guys who don’t bother with instructions—either because they like to figure things out for themselves or they just don’t care enough about the bells and whistles to spend the time.

Kids don’t come with instructions, but there is a plethora of parenting books. Since I am an instruction guy, I have read my share. A few of my friends also went the book route. But there are some, not instruction guys, who went into this parenting thing blind. My experience with dads is that we don’t sit around swapping parenting tips. We will boast about our offspring and share battle stories, but advice between dads seems to be few and far between.

It’s easy to be an instruction guy. But how do non-instruction guys learn about this stuff?

--DGB

MILFy is...Hot Boobs Or A Great Ass?

OK…so I posted this the other day on I Pee In The Wind and after the comments started rolling in…I thought that I should re-post it with some clarification.

I am talking about that ONE physical attribute on a women’s body that gets your blood moving. Come on ladies, you can play too. I KNOW that you find the woman’s body attractive. (c’mon…say that you don’t. I knew that you couldn’t)

I can also tell you another way that I know that women find women hot… when you are walking with your man (or woman) and you are about to walk by someone that you think is hot, you automatically watch us out of the corner of your eye…to see if we are going to check them out.

I love every part of a woman…shit…that’s not true. I HATE feet. But besides that, it’s all good. I can be an ass man and still love tweaking nipples and playing with fun bags.

So once again...

As with all living things…we as humans have types. By type I mean that thing we say when describing qualities that attract us to one another. Let me rephrase that…”I am an ass man.” I say that because saying “I am a lips man” or “I am an eyes man” sounds kind of …un manly. Those are, in fact, the three physical attributes in a woman that can make me come to attention…so to speak.

*To Mariah: You have incredible eyes and lips and if I go more than a few hours without inappropriately staring at your ass…or giving it a good slap…I get the shakes and go into withdrawals.

OK…back to my pre-disclaimer thought. I think that I’d say I like butts and lips evenly and eyes come in a close second. If you have all three (like my baby) consider yourself special.

Don’t get me wrong ladies, I know that what is on the inside is more important and looks only get you so far…yada yada. I am NOT talking about love…nor even wanting to strike up a conversation with anyone. Just that thing that catches your eye at first glimpse. You ladies have it too…buff chest, six pack abs…a large bulge in the pants, etc. You know…that thing that lets us know that we are still alive.

I am not sure, nation-wide…or world wide where I’d fit in the percentages…Are there more ass men than boob men? Speaking of boob men…they are kind of funny. The boob men that I know are like scavengers, in my book. It seems that they look at every set that walks by. Big, small, real, fake, firm and perky, droopy and low…all of them. Maybe some guys become boob men because it is the easiest part of a woman’s body to see. To get a good read on an ass takes the right angle, the right outfit…and even then you sometimes never know.

**another disclaimer – after checking out Google Analytics, it seems that the terms Boobs, Hot boobs and MILF tend to send a lot of traffic my way. Anyway, with asses it is different, at least for me. I don’t like NOR LOOK AT; XL, inverted, slanty, extra wide, too high or too low butts. I like a butt with some meat…making it a nice ‘round mound of fun’ I’d post a picture of Mariah’s sexy ass for you to all check out but Webster’s has a copyright of the image for their new dictionary.

See what kind of nonsense looking at Analytics can make people write?

Anyway…What is the ONE thing ??????

we know a lot of shit

As most of you already know from reading our posts, we HOT DADS are master scholars of varying areas of expertise. In short, we know a lot of shit. Because we are unselfish with our wisdom, we want to share our vast knowledge with you, our faithful readers.

This post will mark the beginning of a long, and hopefully, educational journey, which will plumb the depths of the minds of the Hot Daddy Bloggers – “Ask the Hot Dads”.

In this ‘column’ we will answer every single question that you submit. No rules, no strings attached. Ask us absolutely anything. Get to know us. Get to know men. Have a burning parenting question? Need an opinion? We’re here to help. It’s like therapy without the stigma, costly bills or outdated waiting room magazines.

We promise that for each question submitted, at least two of our highly skilled, and devilishly handsome, contributors will provide an answer. Some questions may be answered by all of us.

Be ready for blunt, truthful, no-holds-barred responses from “Our Hotness.” We are here to please and would not want to let any of youdown…in any way.

Questions should be submitted to tentcamper1 @ gmail.com and all thosethat are received by Thursday at 5PM Eastern will be answered in ournew Monday Morning “Ask the Hot Dads.

**Lastly ladies, in this economy, I am sure that it would not be hardfor me to convince the rest of the guys to do a nude Hot Dadcalendar…for the right price!

end of the world or a new beginning?

At this point we have about the same number of Hot Dads (14) as we do Hot Mamas (11).

What would happen if we all lived on the same block?
I can imagine that the local police would have a special unit (no ladies…not THAT kind of unit) to keep us in control. The block parties would be insane. Taking turns breaking out the steaks for BBQing and ….shit…we’d have to have our own liquor store at the end of the block…to keep us nourished. I could picture…on any given night folks changing and ‘other stuff’ in front of open windows…just to give the rest of us something to watch (and blog about).

What would happen if life ‘jumbled us up’ and we were paired up as couples?
Could you picture…

cIII married to The Mom Jen or Tonya shacking up with Hubman?
Would the world be safe if Irish Gumbo and Redneck Mommy filled a school with little Irish Rednecks?

Picture Cameron and LiteralDan duking it out over wise young Petra.

I could see Always Home And Uncool, Trooper Thorn, Russ, Tenakim and our (Barefoot) Brittany all shacking up in some compound.

Would Daddy Geek Boy, Dadshouse or Coachdad be a better fit for Scary Mommy?

Close your eye and imagine the posts if Sage and Happy Hour Sue hooked up.

Then after ManicMariah, Sammanthia and Loralee hook up… Me (TentCamper), Halftime Lessons and Heinous will no doubt be arrested for stalking, and being peeping toms at their little love shack.

Shit….where did all of that come from?


and....thank you to all of the above for filling my head with these crazy-ass ...hot...thoughts!

Nasty, Disgusting Bastard

… Or Is It Just A Man’s Way Of Trying To Do The Right Thing?

Some of you may have heard this before...but since it is still going on, I thought I'd reitterate.

So let me set this up for you.A few months ago my “woman” ManicMariah got up in the morning and was acting all pissy. I asked what was wrong. She looked at me and gruffly said, ”nothing.” I backed off a bit to see if she just needed some space.

About an hour later, after no change, I, tenderly, approached her again to ask what was wrong. Her head whipped around (kind of Exorcist-esc) and with glaring eyes she informed me that she was a shitty mother and a lazy piece of shit. I jumped back, not knowing what to expect, and asked why she felt like that. She told me that she hates waking up late and not being able to see the kids off to school. It makes her feel like a pile of steamy dog crap.From that point on I have been making a point to set our alarm so that we have time to get up and spend some time with the kids before they leave.OK…I am almost there.

Anyway, Mariah is ….how should I put it?....NOT A MORNING PERSON!Now, as the alarm is on my side, it is my job to turn it off and make sure that she gets up. This is one tough job. After weeks of trial and error, came the morning that I turned over onto my side, scooched myself into her until she reached around me so that we are in a loving spooning position. Then I proceed to work some of my “inner magic” and push out a nice, loud, morning toot…which actually shook the bed. With my eyes tightly closed, I felt the stabbing sensation of an elbow connecting with my ribs followed by what sounded like snapping bone, while instantaneously leaping from the bed repeating, “You NASTY, DISGUSTING BASTARD. You are so fucking nasty and gross.” I stayed in bed…trying to take back my gases by saying that I was kidding and was just trying to get her out of bed like she wanted.

After coming out of the bathroom, she threw me a death glare calling me nasty again and then abruptly left the room.

Now… pondering my decision and weighing the pain and insults, I have decided that I will go back to the drawing board.

Any thoughts

Random Daily Thoughts

It scares the shit out of me when I find myself at the tail end of a drive that I do all the time and then realize that I can’t recall the last 10 minutes. What if I had a car full of kids, what if there was some maniac on the road? Is it auto-pilot?…a lapse of short term memory?...a brain fart?...Are you actually ‘there’ and on the ball…but just don’t remember? DAMN!!! That annoys the hell out of me.


The saying, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” gets me like a freaking hot knife…right through the fucking eyeball!

I understand its meaning and intention…But here is why I have ‘issues’ with it. To start with…I am a man. I read into things and then THAT becomes their factual meaning and intended purpose on this earth.

I am in the midst of a nasty divorce and do not get to see my two boys as much as I should. I am unemployed and we are scraping by. I am not able to provide for my family the way I’d like to. I smoke. I have a tendency to ‘have talks’ about every ounce of waste that comes out of my body. I am not married to the woman that I love….and the list goes on.

BUT…I am happy. I am with the woman that I love. I do get to see my boys. Mariah and her kids love me. We are not starving. We have the things that we need to survive. We have friends. We are healthy and we have an amazing extended family …….SO…one way to look at it…It ain’t broke.

Do I just scrap the whole, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it thing? I HAVE to find work. I NEED to finalize my divorce. I YEARN to be a bigger part in my boys’ lives. Etc.

SEE….That is what goes on in this ‘so called’ brain of mine.

Too tired? Sexual Pondering.

Sage here,
There are many things I can't figure, things that seem simple to me that other foul up. I drive a lot, alone and get to figure on things, here's one.

We have all heard the jokes and our buddies say or might have even lived through this yourself. When the man wants sex and the woman says "I'm to tired".
(I'm sure this is applicable in reverse)

To what??
To tired???

Do What?? Come again Sweet-ums.

WTF is to tired? To tired for what?

Sugar you don't have to chase me. You don't have to get on top, you don't have to do anything. Damn, read a book, hell write a book, just let me hit it while you do it.

You are to tired? Come on now. I'm not asking you to run a damn marathon. Get ur britches down and lay there. I'll hurry. Damn. Thats insane. I'd prolly blow a fuse if I ever heard that.

In the brides defense she never used that one before.

She has used her monthly visitor before as an excuse (not that I cared but she seemed to) and I quickly pointed out that her lip nor her tongue was bleeding any!

Anyway, I have often thought about that. Bet your ass I ain't ever to tired. EVER. I mean if I was on the edge of to tired (or just out of surgery or an active participant in an on-going car wreck) and she was game on and said "just lay there" I'd be all for that!

I have often thought that some females used their wares bass-ackwards. I hear them say things like "well he doesn't help out around the house" He doesn't take out the trash" "he doesn't help me with the kids" Blah blah blah blah

So why should I give him what he wants.

Then you ask when did y'all last do the hokie pokie? "Oh it was ummmmmm"
Well hell no if you can't even recall when I bumped up against it, I damn sure ain't doing extra around here, I'll do it myself and you haul the trash off!!!!

You can pretty much bet a few things.
Either
She doesn't like it, for whatever reason.
He ain't doing it right.
or shes playing her hand wrong.

If she likes it, and he can get her to the promised land or at least close enough for her to finish up quickly on her own, then she is playing her hand wrong. She should change her tactics. She should put it on him morning, noon, and night. At every opportunity. Offer it up to him, all the time. Half way through dinner. Every half time. The seventh inning stretch. When he comes in for a drink half way through cutting the grass. She should reward him WITHOUT him knowing its a reward, pay it forward, if you will.

That cat would be tickled. He would be all for hauling the trash or whatever his downfall is. He'd want nothing to come between his girls want/lust/desire for his obvious stellar goodness and delicious aptitude in sexual relations! He is such an outstanding lover that she wants him all the time.
Yes ladies, make him feel like the man, then he will act like the man, and be the man....

(like I said at the top, these tactics will prolly work in reverse)

I'm out.

Posted by Sage