Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Funniest Thing All Week

If you enjoyed "S#*t Girls Say" and "S#*t Girls Say Part 2" you'll love "S#*t Nobody Says."

Then swing by Dogs & Jeans for more pithy humor.

Monday, December 5, 2011

You Can Make Money With Google!

It's true! After 3 years and nearly 800 posts, my blog Dogs & Jeans has finally broken through the $100 threshold. At a pace of $0.03 a day, it takes quite a while for those visits to add up, but if you are patient, and post relentlessly about the world of politics and current events, you too can receive some Christmas spending money every three years.

So what are people searching for on Google that is bringing them to Dogs & Jeans today? You'd be surprised:
  • Demotivation
  • Drunk Girls
  • James Bond
  • Mommy
  • Christmas
  • Ugly Fat People
  • Canadian Girls (but not the drunk ones)
  • Boobs
  • Fat Actress
  • Bad Mom
Now if only I could roll all those terms into one news story, I might receive my next $100 cheque sooner.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Herman Cain Wrote the Book

How could Herman Cain have run into sexual harassment issues when he even made this training video pointing out the pitfalls?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Tomorrow (and part of today and most of Friday) are Thanksgiving. Since I will be eating and watching football and really be of no use to society whatsoever, here are some links to my past thoughts on Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for cut-and-paste!

Why American Thanksgiving is better than Canadian Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Conversation Help

Thanksgiving Demotivational Posters

Why I'm Thankful

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Made In Japan

What's that say Poppa?" The boy asked me as he pointed at the backside of his new extrra large bright red beach shovel.

"Let's see. Says, Made In Japan."


-Later that day-

While grinding playdoh into the dining room chair cushion, the boy flips over his Spiderman plate and asks me, "What's that say Jay?"

"It says Zak!."

"Oh. What does that one say Jay?"

"Made In Japan."

"That what it's called?" He asked.

"Sure. Yep."

The following day while playing with Lacey's toys he flips one over and sees more text. "What does this say Jay?"

"Well, that one says Made In Japan too." I said with a sigh. He is begining to call his toys 'Made In Japan'. As if that is their official name. We must have gone over a dozen toys and plastic plates and cups this week, all saying Made In Jap Land on the back.

He finally asked me what Made In Japan means.

"Well. It was made there, in the land of Japan."


"Yeah, by little kids just like you."

"Oh. Like me?"

"Yep. and they made just enough money to buy some gum from the gumball machine at Pat And Oscars."

Oh how exciting this was too him. "Can I make one too? I want a red gumball. A red one!" It's his favorite color you know.

"Well, listen close buddy. When Obama is kicked out of office, the new administration just might bring the tax rate back down, then they may give companies incentives, such as tax brakes, to bring their business back to the US. So they might come back home and make their stuff here. Then you can make one. Ok?"

'Ok! Ok! Reeeeeeeeeeddddddd gggggguuuuuuuummmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllssssssssss!" Was shouted around the house for the rest of the day.

Monday, July 11, 2011

What's Wronge With the Internet?

In addition to being a Hot Dad (and Smokin' Husband), I publish a daily politics and current events satire blog over at Dogs and Jeans. I was doing some reviews of the site traffic statistics this weekend and became puzzled over some of the data related to key words. As many of you know, much traffic to websites can be gained by using words or phrases that are popular in search engines. For example, if many people want to read about Casey Anthony, they might type her name into a Google or Yahoo search. If you include a reference to Casey Anthony in your blog, your post could pop up as a possible source of information for that person. Because I've written "Casey Anthony" twice (now three times), this posting itself might be on the Google search results now.

I understand that and will often choose news items to lampoon based on what is currently trending on the Internet. I was surprised then to learn that many of my readers arrive at Dogs and Jeans by entering key words completely unrelated to what I've been writing about. In fact, some of the phrases are downright strange.

  1. Demotivation: This is the most common Google search that brings people in. This is not surprising as one of the most popular weekly features I have are the Friday Demotivational Posters. Often they are themed (e.g. animals or boobs) and gathered from around the web as well as posting originals posters.
  2. Maria Shriver Naked: Here's where it stars to get weird. I have only mentioned Maria Shriver twice in the three years I've been posting and never specifically described her as 'naked'. One post did list a number of celebrities who should be featured in Playboy ahead of Lindsey Lohan. That list also included Steve Buscemi and The Borg Queen. However, 'Steve Buscemi naked' is not driving traffic to read the post.

    More troubling is the notion that there are people out there searching for naked imaged of Maria Shriver. Really? Maria Shriver? With the veritable cornucopia of fashion models, celebrities and amateur porn stars available, how is searching for naked 56 year old Kennedys?
  3. McDonald's Uniform: Another puzzler. Only five Dogs and Jeans posts reference McDonald's and nothing specific to the uniform. I did once post a photo of Queen Elizabeth wearing one behind the counter, but I don't think people are looking for that. Unless they are and that's really odd.
  4. Presidents: We have to wait until #4 for it to make sense. I have written plenty about the US presidents, some of it legitimate (okay only a little bit legitimate) and lots of lampooning. Did you know that William Henry Harrison's term in office was limited to 32 days due to peanut allergies? It wasn't but if you update his wikipedia page with that information, it becomes fact.
  5. Fat Actress: And back to the crazy searches. I have certainly mentioned Kirstie Alley occasionally for a laugh, but she has not been a staple of my satire. Perhaps people are not searching for her specifically. Maybe there is a group of men out there who just like fat actresses of any sort. If I post about Cameron Mannheim or Shelley Winters, will Google bring more Fat Actress Fans in?
  6. 50 States: One very popular piece I post each July 4 is my homage to each of the 50 states. Not exactly schoolroom material, but still fun.
  7. Biking Shorts Bulge: I'm at a loss with this phase. I have never written about biking shorts bulges or posted pictures of them (to my knowledge). Who is sitting down at the computer (likely in a public library) and typing "biking shorts bulge"? It's just weird. It's not like it's something funny like "yoga pants camel toe".
All in all it makes me wonder if it's worth making the effort to be topical if people are only reading my posts because they typed in "Ukrainian Nipple Cleansing" or "Brad Pitt Eating a Turkey Sandwich" into a Google search.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Do You Miss Football?

Nothing says "Father and Kid Time" more than football on a Sunday afternoon. But what if the lockout continues? Funny or Die has one idea:

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