Whaat's In A Naame?

In a desperate effort to make their kids “unique”, parents are pulling out all the stops when it comes to naming their children.

In a certain sense, I kind of understand it. My wife and I named our daughter a fairly uncommon name… but not one I would classify as “weird” per se.

There are three types of ways to name your children, I’ll list them from least annoying to so freakin' annoying that it makes me want to rip off my buttocks. Let’s visit these naming faux pas shall we?

1. Slightly changing the spelling of the name

You run into this quite often. I have a friend who named their daughter “Kortney”. And as I just wrote her name right now the spell check on my computer marked her name with a red squiggly line below it indicating that I spelled it wrong. I would have spelled it “Courtney” personally… but they wanted it with a “K” and that’s cool.

The only problem with this is that the wide majority of people are going to spell it wrong when sending you mail, entering you into wet t-shirt contests and filling out your application for parole. This is probably annoying for the person with the name because they constantly have to correct the person spelling their name or just deal with the fact that their name is just going to be misspelled half the time.

But… it’s all in who’s doing the spelling of the name too. My first name is subject to interpretation on how to spell it. “Chris” can be spelled any number of ways: Cris, Kris, Khris or even Chriss. I’ll get any number of these spellings when people transcribe my name when I think that C-H-R-I-S is probably the most common way to spell my name.

So, while a slight changing of the typical spelling of a name is a little annoying, it’s not something to lose your bladder over.

2. Naming Them A Name Never Before Heard In The Annals Of Time



What will Gwyneth's next kids name be? Peach Pit? Raisen? Prune?

Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid “Apple”. I’ve heard of other names like “Cloud”, “Rainbow”, “Fruitstand”, “Bird”, “Moon”, “Camera” and “Dweezil”. What the Mother Eff? I understand a kid should be given their own individuality but why give them a name that people are going to laugh at then roll their eyes and instantly understand that their parents were either famous movie stars, hippies, gangsters or named their kid somewhere around 4:20 in the afternoon.

You could even take it a step further and name your kids “Adolf Hitler” and “Arian Nation” like this super-douche.



Awwww... Hi there Adolf Hitler... what a cute name! How did your raging douchebag father come up with that one?

To be fair… if God had given us a little boy and not a girl… I really wanted to name him “Ca$h”. Literally with the “$” instead of the “s”. But this post isn’t about me…

3. Absolutely, Completely And Totally Effing Up The Proper Spelling Of The Name Just So It Will Confuse People

I have the dubious distinction at my work of having to call and confirm about 350 consultants and their addresses for our annual Christmas mailings. Part of this responsibility is making sure there isn’t anyone left off of our mailing list. A recent conversation with the receptionists at one of these businesses went something like this:

“Hi, my name is Chris with I Just Blew Out My Anus AV Company (yes… that is not the name of the company I work for) and I’m just calling around to confirm some names on our Christmas mailing list before we send all of them out. I just want to make sure the names we have are people who still work there. Can I run through them with you real quick?” I said.

She obliged and I ran through my short list of names I had for their company.

After I’m done with that I have to say, “Now… is there anyone that I didn’t name that should get our mailing?”

She replied, “Yes, you forgot Karen Taylor”.

My idiot mind just assumed that it was spelled as I just spelled it above. I assured the receptionist I would add Karen and started my graceful exit from the phone call. Before I could get through the end of my spiel she interrupted me and said, “Don’t you want to know how to spell her name?”

“What, ‘Taylor’?” I said.

“No, ‘Karen’”.

I spelled it out, “K-A-R-E-N?”

“No actually it’s spelled K-A-A-R-I-N”.

I had to repeat the spelling back to her several times just to make sure I got it right. “Kaarin” is how she spelled “Karen”. I held back my frustration at Kaarin’s parents until I got off the phone then I made a vow to find them someday and ask them, “why”… right before I slapped them across the face with armadillo roadkill. Why would you purposefully misspell your kids name? Unlike “Chris” that can be spelled “Cris”, “Kris”, or at worst Khris… there aren’t really many other routes to go with “Karen” unless you go off the deep end with “Kaarin” or maybe “Care-In” or “Cuhairen”. Kaarin is forever destined to have to misinform people on the correct spelling of her name which should be “Karen”.

That’s not being unique or different… that’s just being annoying to everyone involved.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So… if you’re thinking of naming your kid “Sttepfanny” instead of “Stephanie”, “Fillup” instead of “Phillip”, “Cayteah” instead of “Katie”, “Jellybean Ass Face” instead of “Eddie” or “Crapinajar” instead of “Bill”… please don’t. Please don’t because the only person that thinks it’s cool is you.

Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

I got Funked!!

As I woke up this morning and …well, after driving the kids to school…had some coffee, I realized that my ‘morning funk’ would not go away.

I hate that little funk that just won’t fade. It is so hard to shake. It’s like a back ache…a constant bother that gets worse when you try to fix it. I have been mulling around this morning trying to get to the bottom of my funk…and all that is doing is making me think of all of the little things that are bugging me, the fact that I still can’t find a job, that I am unwillingly still married to my ex, that we have to put down one of our dogs, that relationships are not always a bed of roses, that I am getting old…you get my point.
I am now thinking that if I had never tried to ‘get to the bottom’ of my funk…it would have been long gone by now.

Anyone have ‘funk remedies’?

Insects and Mass Suicide

Lately, I have witnessed a very odd phenomenon around the house. Over the past few days, as I walk around the house, lethargic flies have been catching my eye. I saw one on the stairs, a few in the kitchen…each day I saw several in different parts of the house. At one point I went and got the fly swatter and snuck up on a group of 6 flies. I splatted one, expecting the others to take off, but they didn’t…they just sat there awaiting their impending demise.

Today, I was sweeping the house and before I was half way done, I had swept up almost a dozen flies. Some of them were dead, some seemed dazed…yet others just sat there and let me sweep them into the dust pan.

I have never seen anything like this before and have absolutely no idea what the heck is going on.

Is there something deadly to flies in the air? Did the flies get into a bottle of booze? Are they laying eggs around the house and then dying? Do they fear my swatting accuracy so much that they just give up when they see me coming?

Have any of you ever seen such a thing? Any ideas of what supernatural occurrence is going on in my house?

Oh…and the other day while we were all at the beach, I witnessed another thing that I had never seen before…Hundreds of lady bugs in the sand right at the water’s edge. Christie and Megan spent about an hour collecting them and “saving their lives” while I pondered what the hell was going on. Why were they at the beach? In the sand, getting washed in and out by the surf?

Maybe the lady bugs and flies sense an earthquake or some other impending doom that we can’t. Maybe there is some insect mass suicide ritual going on…I have no clue.

Someone please answer these questions for me so that I can get on with my life and stop wasting my days trying to figure this all out.

How do you stay on top of your email?

So in preparation of us leaving to camp for a few days, I went into Mariah's email to print out our reservation confirmation.

I was immediately in shock! I could not believe that I was seeing what I was seeing. Does this really happen to people?!

**Please take a look at the number of unread messages!!!! (over 37,000) WTF!?

I hope there are no emails in there from a sick old friend or someone who needs help in some way....they'll be waiting a LONG time!!

I have to admit that I came very close to spending a few hours deleting and organizing...but I knew that she'd hang my ass out to dry for organizing HER shit.

Divorce Court Update

Knowing you all the way I do, I knew that you would all want to hear about my most recent visit to divorce court.

To set this up, I’ll tell you that the date was to discuss a modification to the current visitation orders and to address the contempt charges that I filed against my ex for not allowing me to see my boys.

Upon arriving at court, I was directed to the mediation office, which I knew was a joke because there is no way in hell that my ex would agree on anything that I propose…especially it meant more time for me.

After waiting there for about 20 minutes and …her not showing up, they sent me up to the court room. I checked in and had a seat. After a good 45 minutes of listening to the smug attorneys sharing stories about their weekends and caseloads, my case was called.

The judge asked us all to identify ourselves – and as HER attorney was introducing himself, he stated that he was only representing her for the modification and not for the contempt charges. The judge looked up and said that she needed to have an attorney for the contempt arraignment and that she may have to be appointed to the public defenders office. I knew that meant everything would be delayed…once again.

Then her attorney stated that she could not go to mediation or proceed with the modification hearing as her Fifth Amendment rights might be violated. What the fuck is that? I explained to the judge that I have only seen my boys twice since the end of November and that I wanted the visitations back on track. The judge agreed and stated that the current visitation order would remain in effect until we went back to court.

Additionally, my ex’s attorney asked the courts for approval on having the case examined by a child custody evaluator. The judge agreed and told us that it would cost us each an additional $400. Out of my $150 that I have…it is gonna be quite the struggle.

So now I have to wait until April 5th to go see the evaluator and then back to court April 27th. This has all dragged on MAY of 2006! I am so sick of all of this bull shit! I even received an email from my ex stating that she would “make this divorce as long, drawn out and irritating as possible for me.”
Excuse my language…but … What a fucking cunt!!!!

Anyway, as I have been doing this whole thing without an attorney…I think it is time that I slap her in the face with my balls a bit. (meaning … me getting representation.)

Other than that…cuz I know she is going to read this…
You look like shit. You have gained at least 100 pounds. Your smug attitude is laughable and your attorney looks, stumbles and walks like a freakin hobo.

The Zombie Plan: A Hot Dad's Guide

Do you have a plan for when the zombies attack?

Please, people...don’t tell me that Halloween is the only time of the year that you think about zombies and the undead. C’mon now...surely you must realize that zombies that bring havoc to the land of the living at any time of the year. What will you do when it happens? Where will you go if you’re being chased by flesh-eating beings? How will you survive the impending apocalypse?

Well...I’ve got a plan. It’s not perfect, it’s not absolute, but it’s a plan. In fact, my girlfriend was a bit taken aback at knowing that I actually had a plan in place. Well...she’s gonna be in a world of hurt if she doesn’t at least have an escape route in the back of her mind.

So because you never know if somebody who will eventually be a zombie on my trail will read this (and use it to catch me later....duh!!), I’m not going to provide my detailed plan here. No, instead I’m going to help all of you by providing some very important tips on how to stay alive during a zombie apocalypse:

• Find water. I don’t know about you, but I have yet to see a movie where zombies could do ANYTHING involving water. So find a boat...a life raft, even...and seriously consider going to the nearest island to wait out the storm (so to speak). Of course, if this island has only trees and bugs then you might be in a bit of a jam when it comes to staying alive, so you might need more than just a boat in order to stay alive. Of course, if you don’t live anywhere close to water then you’re probably screwed if this plan is followed.
• Find weapons. Lots of ‘em. Guns...explosives...machetes...anything that can blow something up or cut something off. You’ll need it. Just remember there are only two places you can focus your attack on: the head and the knees. Everybody knows that zombies eat brains. The flip side of that is the fact that zombies will actually “die” if you destroy their brain. So always try to aim for the head each and every time. Of course, if the head isn’t an option then go for the knees. Why? You can out-run a zombie with only one leg. Trust me.
• Find a mall. Not only are there a LOT of resources there that are available for you in order to survive (food...water...those shoes you saw on Sex & the City), but there are normally a LOT of places to hide from the undead hordes that might be coming after you. Obviously, there may be some drawbacks like the distinct possibility that more and more zombies might surround the mall because it’s where they used to congregate when they were alive...but for the most part you’re probably in a pretty safe spot. BONUS: Pick a mall with a Wal-Mart or some outdoor specialty store for easier access to zombie-destroying weapons.
• Find old people. This may sound crass and horrific, but let’s face it: you don’t want to die, AMIRITE?? Do you really think a zombie cares if they’re chewing on flesh from somebody who’s 20 or 80? Nah. If you’re being chased by some flesh-eaters, your best bet is planning an escape route that runs past a senior citizen’s home. You may frown now, but you’ll thank me later.
• Find a remote area. Listen...most of the zombie hordes will spend weeks (possibly months) eating on the yummy flesh within the urban areas and cities. So if you live on a farm or in a suburban area, you’re probably in better shape than you think. Is it free of zombies? Well of course not...but it’s still better than being in a city where the undead will breed faster than Octomom in a sperm-donor clinic.
• Find a way to stay alive for 5 years. The suggestion is that bacteria will have eaten away at the zombies to the point that they cannot actually “survive” after 4-6 years. So if there has been a “zombie war” and you have found a way to self-sustain, then you’ve got a great chance at long-term survival.

Hey...I’m no expert. I’m sure there are ‘official’ websites and books out there that can tell you, in detail, what you need to know in order to completely survive the zombie apocalypse.

But don’t let the Halloween talk make you think this is the only time of the year that you need to think of a plan. Any good dad has a good zombie plan.

It’s just a given, isn’t it?

D.W.I. - Driving Wealthy Idiots

I don’t know if it only happens where I live…or if this epidemic occurs allover the country…or the world, but I have to lay it out for you…you know, my form of therapy.

The question that we will be discussing today is: Why the hell do people who cantfreakindrive buy cars that they are scared to drive?
I run into this all the time and it is causing me great mental anguish and lending itself to my pre-Happy Hour drinking.

Whether I am at the coffee shop, grocery store, surface street or highway, I find these middle aged to elderly people driving around in $150,000 cars and they take 20 minutes to get in or out of any given parking space…or they wait at an intersection til they can’t see anyone coming for 18 freakin blocks…or they drive 30 miles an hour in the fast lane (though in some parts of LA…that is pretty good.)

It is either that, or, they drive like they own the world. Granted, I don’t know who these people are and they may well be the mayor of our city, or the King of Santa Monica or something. But this drives me absolutely insane.

My thoughts are:
1. If you are a shitty driver and can’t park worth a damn…get a Cooper Mini.
2. If you don’t pay attention while you drive…buy a junker and put a sign on it saying that you’re a shitty driver.
3. If you own a section of town or a specific road, indicate it with a large lettered sign, so that the rest of us can get the hell out of your way.

And for those of you that just have these cars to show the rest of us how much money you have…trade it in and wear a jewel encrusted crown, or a jacket made out of stitched together 100 dollar bills.