Friday, October 30, 2009

The Zombie Plan: A Hot Dad's Guide

Do you have a plan for when the zombies attack?

Please, people...don’t tell me that Halloween is the only time of the year that you think about zombies and the undead. C’mon now...surely you must realize that zombies that bring havoc to the land of the living at any time of the year. What will you do when it happens? Where will you go if you’re being chased by flesh-eating beings? How will you survive the impending apocalypse?

Well...I’ve got a plan. It’s not perfect, it’s not absolute, but it’s a plan. In fact, my girlfriend was a bit taken aback at knowing that I actually had a plan in place. Well...she’s gonna be in a world of hurt if she doesn’t at least have an escape route in the back of her mind.

So because you never know if somebody who will eventually be a zombie on my trail will read this (and use it to catch me later....duh!!), I’m not going to provide my detailed plan here. No, instead I’m going to help all of you by providing some very important tips on how to stay alive during a zombie apocalypse:
  • Find water. I don’t know about you, but I have yet to see a movie where zombies could do ANYTHING involving water. So find a boat...a life raft, even...and seriously consider going to the nearest island to wait out the storm (so to speak). Of course, if this island has only trees and bugs then you might be in a bit of a jam when it comes to staying alive, so you might need more than just a boat in order to stay alive. Of course, if you don’t live anywhere close to water then you’re probably screwed if this plan is followed.
  • Find weapons. Lots of ‘em. Guns...explosives...machetes...anything that can blow something up or cut something off. You’ll need it. Just remember there are only two places you can focus your attack on: the head and the knees. Everybody knows that zombies eat brains. The flip side of that is the fact that zombies will actually “die” if you destroy their brain. So always try to aim for the head each and every time. Of course, if the head isn’t an option then go for the knees. Why? You can out-run a zombie with only one leg. Trust me.
  • Find a mall. Not only are there a LOT of resources there that are available for you in order to survive (food...water...those shoes you saw on Sex & the City), but there are normally a LOT of places to hide from the undead hordes that might be coming after you. Obviously, there may be some drawbacks like the distinct possibility that more and more zombies might surround the mall because it’s where they used to congregate when they were alive...but for the most part you’re probably in a pretty safe spot. BONUS: Pick a mall with a Wal-Mart or some outdoor specialty store for easier access to zombie-destroying weapons.
  • Find old people. This may sound crass and horrific, but let’s face it: you don’t want to die, AMIRITE?? Do you really think a zombie cares if they’re chewing on flesh from somebody who’s 20 or 80? Nah. If you’re being chased by some flesh-eaters, your best bet is planning an escape route that runs past a senior citizen’s home. You may frown now, but you’ll thank me later.
  • Find a remote area. Listen...most of the zombie hordes will spend weeks (possibly months) eating on the yummy flesh within the urban areas and cities. So if you live on a farm or in a suburban area, you’re probably in better shape than you think. Is it free of zombies? Well of course not...but it’s still better than being in a city where the undead will breed faster than Octomom in a sperm-donor clinic.
  • Find a way to stay alive for 5 years. The suggestion is that bacteria will have eaten away at the zombies to the point that they cannot actually “survive” after 4-6 years. So if there has been a “zombie war” and you have found a way to self-sustain, then you’ve got a great chance at long-term survival.

Hey...I’m no expert. I’m sure there are ‘official’ websites and books out there that can tell you, in detail, what you need to know in order to completely survive the zombie apocalypse.

But don’t let the Halloween talk make you think this is the only time of the year that you need to think of a plan. Any good dad has a good zombie plan.

It’s just a given, isn’t it?


Barefoot Dreamer said...

I will put the supplies right next the National Emergency, and Weather Emergency kits I still haven't gotten ready yet.


TentCamper said...

nuttin better than a man with a plan!! Personally, I have a flame thrower...good for zombies, locust attacks, riots (I do live in LA) and yes, it also keeps the kids in line.

Tracy DeLuca said...

The zombie apocalypse will find me prepared and ready to kick ass thanks to you! We live in between two cemeteries so it may be time to find a new house....

Daddy Geek Boy said...

This may be a controversial stance, but when the zombie apocalypse happens, I think I'm just gonna succumb. Surviving is a lot of hard work. And you most likely get eaten anyway. I become a zombie, I get to run around and snack on a lot of brains. Not too shabby. Plus, if I do get shot in the head, I'm already dead so I don't really care.

ZenMom said...

Updating my Zombie Attack Plan was one of my New Year's Resolutions.

No, seriously:

For the record, though, I'm on the fence about the mall strategy. Yeah, the resources and supplies angle is good. But, I'm beginning to suspect that the zombies know this trick.

Plus, half the people I see in the malls now already look like zombies. I think the infected will congregate at the local mall instinctively.

Better to go with the remote location theory, hitting a super Walmart for weapons and provisions on your way out of town. Preferably in a comandeered Hummer.

Glad to see the newest Hot Dads have their priorities straight on these things. :)

BTW: You gotta see these ...

Brandy said...

Not only are you a Hot Dad but you're also a SMART Dad. I'm adding this to my emergency plan. ;)

Trooper Thorn said...

Have fat friends. You don't have to out-run the zombies, just your friend.

nitebyrd said...

It should be a law for everyone to have a plan in case of a zombie attack!

You're a good father.

Anjeny said...

I knew living on a rock will come in handy one day...thanks for validating my choice of residence...LOL. This is heeheelarious!!!

Momma Sunshine said...

BAH! Who needs a zombie plan when I've got a boyfriend who already has the details all worked out?

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