Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Pump It Up - Mudhoney

This is a reprint from my main blog, Dads Who Mock the World, it tickled me. So I'm sharing it with you all too!

I was going to bitch about my Out-Laws visiting this weekend (Georgia has an away game, so they can travel here. Great.). I was also going to celebrate the Wife coming back home from a week away, but I think I have sung those songs enough that you know most of the words. And yes, they will be arriving within a couple of hours of each other. Joy.

Instead, I'll regale you with squirrel tales! (aka, Tales from Russ the Squirrel Hunter! hat tip to Scifi Dad)

As I've mentioned before, I have squirrels in the attic, no that's not a metaphor I really have two tree rats living in my attic. Should you need a refresher, mash here. (In the south, mashing ain't just for potatoes!)

As you may recall, I set mouse traps in the attic to try and catch whatever was up there. All I managed to do was give some squirrels a fright. Then I upped the ante to rat traps. They must have learned their lesson from the mouse traps. I caught nothing.

What was the next step, you ask? Go full Elmer Fudd. Okay, not the FULL Elmer Fudd, but introduce projectiles into the mix. (Hey, what could go wrong?)

First some back-story. My entire experience with projectiles (in order of lethality): Throwing rocks/stones/balls (all my life, and I still suck at it), slingshot with steel balls (I could it a ground hog at 20 yards, sometimes. I haven't used one since high school), .22 rifle (one time at Boys State in NJ, I did well to hit the paper target. Period. Forget about the bulls-eye.) Yet, introducing projectiles still seemed like a good idea.

So I did my research, which included what is and isn't legal in NC, what kind of permits are required, etc. Thankfully, NC is pretty easy going about pellet guns. (Actual firearms are different.) So that is the direction I went.

The next question was, rifle or pistol. The more I thought about it, a rifle just seemed like overkill (then again, if it is worth doing, it's worth over doing!), but I decided to get a pistol anyway. Next question was, which one.

The vast majority of the pistols were designated for "plinking" i.e. target practice. The ones that were for pest removal cost as much as some of the rifles. If that was the case, then I would just get a rifle. OVERKILL!!!

Then I found a reasonably priced pistol that had the power needed for pest removal. After discussing the idea with the Wife (who agreed to idea, but wasn't thrilled about it), I got it. It arrived yesterday.

After getting the kids into bed for their very short naps, I took the gun out behind my house (have a good hill as a backstop) for some target practice. Needless to say, my accuracy was less than stellar.

So I resign myself to resetting the traps in the attic. Hey, I might get lucky!

Or not. As I was going back to the attic stairs, my foot slipped off of the 2x6 that I was walking on. Thankfully I caught myself before I fell too far. The definition of "Too Far" in this case would be, No longer in the attic, but now laying on the floor of the second story while writhing in pain.

No, instead I now have a size 13 hole in the ceiling of my hallway. If that weren't bad enough, I noticed as I was clearing out the shredded insulation (which has the same resistance as newly fallen snow), if I had just slipped six inches back, I would have hit the door frame and minimal damage would have occurred. So much for luck.

In all of my commotion, I managed to give one of the tree rats a start. So fully ticked off, I rush off to get my new pistol. (This is the best time to handle a gun, even a pellet gun, right? While you are irritated?) So I pump up the gun, take aim, and fire!

Well smack my ass and call my Sally! I hit the rat bastard!

Unfortunately, it wasn't an instant kill, but later in the evening there it was, dead in my side yard.

Side note, SciFi, the Wife was not terribly amused by this (needless to say, squirrel will not be on the menu):


Janie at Sounding Forth said...

This story is hilarious!

TentCamper said...

Dude...you are absolutely out of your mind! Wanna come over for some beer and live target practice?

Janie Woods said...

I stopped eating squirrels when I found out they were high in cholesterol....

AWESOME post!!

Missty said...

Way funny post!

And I think Christmas Vacation is my favorite christmas movie! I swear I watch it about 15 times during the season.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

hahahahahaha! I think the surprise in your writing that you actually hit the thing makes me laugh the hardest!

Great post!

Russ said...

Janie: Thank you
Tent: Sure, sounds great!
Janie: I should have found that clip!
Missty: The Wife won't let me watch that one as much as I want to. A Christmas Story either.
Shelle: Is the proper saying, "blind squirrel finds nut"?

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