Monday, March 16, 2009

Nasty, Disgusting Bastard

… Or Is It Just A Man’s Way Of Trying To Do The Right Thing?

Some of you may have heard this before...but since it is still going on, I thought I'd reitterate.

So let me set this up for you.A few months ago my “woman” ManicMariah got up in the morning and was acting all pissy. I asked what was wrong. She looked at me and gruffly said, ”nothing.” I backed off a bit to see if she just needed some space.

About an hour later, after no change, I, tenderly, approached her again to ask what was wrong. Her head whipped around (kind of Exorcist-esc) and with glaring eyes she informed me that she was a shitty mother and a lazy piece of shit. I jumped back, not knowing what to expect, and asked why she felt like that. She told me that she hates waking up late and not being able to see the kids off to school. It makes her feel like a pile of steamy dog crap.From that point on I have been making a point to set our alarm so that we have time to get up and spend some time with the kids before they leave.OK…I am almost there.

Anyway, Mariah is ….how should I put it?....NOT A MORNING PERSON!Now, as the alarm is on my side, it is my job to turn it off and make sure that she gets up. This is one tough job. After weeks of trial and error, came the morning that I turned over onto my side, scooched myself into her until she reached around me so that we are in a loving spooning position. Then I proceed to work some of my “inner magic” and push out a nice, loud, morning toot…which actually shook the bed. With my eyes tightly closed, I felt the stabbing sensation of an elbow connecting with my ribs followed by what sounded like snapping bone, while instantaneously leaping from the bed repeating, “You NASTY, DISGUSTING BASTARD. You are so fucking nasty and gross.” I stayed in bed…trying to take back my gases by saying that I was kidding and was just trying to get her out of bed like she wanted.

After coming out of the bathroom, she threw me a death glare calling me nasty again and then abruptly left the room.

Now… pondering my decision and weighing the pain and insults, I have decided that I will go back to the drawing board.

Any thoughts

19 comments:

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Yeah, wives just don't find farts funny. Though I give you much credit for poking the sleeping bear. Or at least farting on her.

I suggest tuning the clock radio to some really annoying music and putting it really close to her head. Then getting out of the way.

Not a soccer mom said...

I beg to differ. Some women can laugh a a good pass of gas--let off with a little better timing and perhaps a little less close quarters... but letting it rip onto a non-morning person in the wee hours of the morning, within the regions which are better suited for other activity, just may not be a wise choice.
I am also a non-morning person and although I share some of the same guilt at being unable to fully function until cup number three of coffee- as perhaps your wife...
I'm not sure that I would be asking for that kind of awakening...
Surely you can think of a way to wake her up that will put her in better spirits? me thinks you might.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Sure there's probably a better way to wake her up, but not one nearly as hilarious.

Mariah said...

YOur a nasty bastard. And if you take daddy geek boy's suggestion of putting annoying music near my head, you better be careful

Hubman said...

LMAO!!

You're the man!

That'll learn 'er...

Lady Bug said...

I'll give you credit for at least not pulling the covers over her head!!!

Cameron said...

Next time, go all out. Dutch Oven her ass. Sure, you may have a cracked rib (or worse), but you'll have more blog fodder.

And, it worked, she got up, right?

skywind said...

Oh, What has happened? Small friction between husband and wife are normal. Do not mind that.
What is Really Healthy-Health Blog
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Maryrose said...

Perhaps you should set the alarm a few minutes earlier, spoon her and wake her up with your magic morning erection to start the day off with some quality nookie.

I know its my favorite way to start the day!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I second Maryrose...I'm not a morning person AT ALL...but my husband has also made it is quest to get me up for work in the morning...

So he cuddles up next to me and wakes me up by groping and stroking and feeling...and at first I'm completely annoyed, but it doesn't take long for me to wake up and ENJOY it! :)

LyN said...

hahaha...you're really..hmm..yea, Nasty. funny thing is, I'm soo used to the fact that my partner farts around in the room whole day like a suicide bomber dropping freakingly loud bombs every now and then. oh yea, amazingly, we do conversations too in the same cubicle when hes happily making his turds. YES, as in BOTH in the small, cramped up cubicle just meant for one to have a peaceful time. these are the things that I miss about him when hes not here. thats what he calls 'true love'. Yea, right!!! :)

Amber said...

ROTFL
OMG, if I were her I'd be bootin ya to the couch. I suggest you buy a spray bottle and fill it with warm-ish water, or heck, why not go with a water gun, and shoot her awake. At least it doesn't leave a smell.
Or, you know, you could try waking up earlier than her, and making a pot of coffee and waking her with the pleasant aroma of a fresh cup in bed :oD
I'd consider that a make up for such a rude awakening.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I have to say I'd highly recommend finding another way to wake her.
Coffee, nookie, whatever. Anythings better than doing that!

dizzy mom said...

I agree with Maryrose. I am actually surprised you haven't tried it yet. I am assuming you did and it failed miserably. Poor you...

Kat said...

That isn't how everyone gets woke up?

T said...

Yeah...um... well, it did get her outta bed tho~

I'm just sayin'.

You know, a little morning wood will do the trick too.

At least for me!

:)

Susan said...

I'm on T's side there with the morning wood... but seriously, farts are SUPPOSED to be FUNNY!

LyN said...

I agree with you, Susan. Farts are indeed funny!!! esp if you are in the same room with my BIG man and you'll go like...wt*&^^$%^??!!! ooopsss, sorry, guys!!! :) we normally end up looking at each other with a frown and laughing our asses off after that.

Rhea said...

I have two boys..and they think Farts are the greatest thing EVER. I can't tell you how many times they have sat on me and I've felt their little vibrations...

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