Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Closing the Baby Shop, Part 2

There were a handful of other patients in the waiting room of the urologist’s office. I was the youngest one there by three decades, easy. It was a startling glimpse into the future.

I took a seat and dug into the mountain of paperwork, which included a plethora of Really Useful information about vasectomies. The doc was already a half-hour late, so with nothing better to do, I began to read. Amongst the papers was a jaunty little pamphlet simply titled “Vasectomy” in big bold letters that had a lot of illustrations. It was like an elementary school book, only with a lot more penises. On the cover, a cartoon couple was holding hands on the beach. The man had a sly look on his face, as if he had just asked his wife to do it right there on the sand. The wife had a slightly annoyed look, as if her husband had just asked her to do it right there on the beach. It was not clear if the man had just been snipped or was just about to be.

Inside, the pamphlet offered an idealized world of vasectomies. Everything was bright and clean, without pain or suffering. One picture promised what I could expect after the surgery:



Look at how happy the man is in his Lay-Z-Boy and slippers. Look at how happy his wife is to serve him. See, it isn't so bad...you get apple slices! I’m glad I have this booklet so if WonderWife™ refuses to bring me apple slices, I can wave it around and say, “But the pamphlet says you have to!”

The doc finally showed up and after approximately three seconds of small talk asked me to take off my pants. He made a comment about the room being cold. Normally I would take offense to this, but the truth is that things had tightened up down there. A strange man had just asked me to strip down and lie on a table, I couldn’t really blame my boys for trying to take refuge in the upper regions of my body. There was a bit of poking and prodding, which would normally fall under the category of “unpleasant” but the after the realization that the next time this guy would be in the vicinity of my crotch he would be cutting into it, I figured that this was as good as my balls were going to get during this adventure.

This doc uses a “no scalpel” technique, in which he performs the operation with a single punch through the scrotum. It sounded more like getting an ear pierced at the mall than sterilization. (Maybe I could get an Orange Julius afterward.) The literature I received described it as an “elegant way for the surgeon to perform the operation.” Although this conjured up images of top hats, monocles, classical music and caviar, somehow I doubted the actual procedure would be that civilized. The doc went on to tell me more details of the procedure, but to be honest once he started talking about incisions I lost my focus. To say I’m a wimp about this sort of stuff is completely underselling it.

Because of some of the comments in my first post, I was compelled to ask about the permanence and success rate for these things. The doc said that a vasectomy reversing itself is very rare and he’s only had one reversal in the 20 plus years he’s been practicing. So those of you who had “reversal babies” make up slightly more than 1% of all vasectomy procedures done. You guys should start playing the lottery.

Finally, I was given the option of local versus twilight anesthetic. The twilight option would knock me out and was described by the doctor as “fun" though fun is hardly a word I’d associate with any part of this endeavor. Because I’m a “real man” I opted for the local (also because I know that any anesthetic has risks and it seemed pointless to be knocked out for a 15 minute procedure). “In that case,” the doc said, “You’ll be able to drive yourself home.” This seemed odd to me since I had just signed 150 pages of paperwork promising that I would do no such thing.

And that was it. The consult was over in five minutes and I was now beyond the first, and only, obstacle that stood between me and the knife.

The surgery will be in a few weeks and the first pangs of nervousness are beginning to bubble up.

To be continued…

--DGB

33 comments:

Another Suburban Mom said...

Good man. However, when Hubman had his Vasectomy, I made him homemade chocolate chip cookies with m&m's in them.

I will be happy to testify to that just in case the misses won't bake for you.

It's Just Me said...

I laughed so hard - you are a funny man under pressure :)

I too planned a whole day of pampering for my dearest after his procedure (figured it was the least I could do for saving ME one more procedure)

Keep your chin up, it will be fine a day or two after...

p.s. we are going on 4 years and plenty of sex and no reversal babies

Scandalous Housewife said...

Oh, shit. TMI, guys. My husband had this "procedure" done to appease me, which is always best. Speaking of peas, he used frozen ones on the privates afterwards.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Awesome. I can't wait to hear all about it. yes, I am sick and twisted. But also I am hoping that it's not so bad so I can get hubby to read it and agree to get snipped as soon as I pop out another one. So thanks.

Susan said...

I swear, it's not that bad. However I realize how possessive you men are with your package, so I understand the hesitancy. My husband was a trooper - the night of his vasectomy he sat in a park on a picnic table bench (icepack under balls - I SWEAR) just to attend his step-daughters pre-school graduation. She will always remember his dedication. What a trooper. Good luck!

Vancetastic said...

Vivid writing, DGB. I love it. Great work.

Paula aka. Zani said...

I really do appreciate your sharing your experiences with us. You have a wonderful sense of humour. I hope you will forgive me for posting this bit of redneck humour about vasectomies. =]

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

ciara said...

that pamphlet pic had me lmao! hey, you're going through w it so least you're not a total wuss like my ex. can't wait to read nxt part :)

TentCamper said...

shit...I am nervous...and I'm not getting anything done. My balls went into hiding while reading this. God bless ya my man.

Orange Julius, apple slices and a wife that is happy to serve...reason enough right there.

Your escalator operator said...

Awesome, hilarious post. Best ever! (... he wrote with his legs crossed.)

Sandi said...

you keep reminding me to schedule the hubby an appointment. I have a friend who had it done and tried riding his motorcycle that week. You can guess how funny that looked.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Sandi...I can't possibly imagine how or why that guy would ride his cycle in the days following. I would say that he's brave, but I don't think that it is.

Ronald10021 said...

Great post, and a super reminder that I need to schedule a consultation for the same procedure.

I've heard that they need to shave you down there to do the procedure.

Have the guys here done it themselves, gotten help from their wives or had the nurse do it for them?

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Ronald...you're jumping ahead! Shaving will totally be discussed in part 3!!

Jess said...

Good job. I wish as a woman they would have let me 15 years ago. I am still fertile murtle but no more babies here. My kids are going a good job for me: 3 grandkids and one more on the way.

Sara said...

Just be sure to get checked up on. I do know a guy who had to have it done 3 times before it "took". (The first time was the Elegant way, last one was the full blown Make Sure It Works way). Good luck!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Seriously...good luck! I hope it is okay that I laughed??? I just could picture someone in the room at the doctors office going through all of that...

Your thoughts are hilarious!

Thanks for letting us in on such a personal surgery

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Shelle...of course it's okay that you laughed. I've been laughing about it with my wife the entire time.

Paula...BTW, the joke is funny.

~*Jobthingy*~ said...

love the pamphlet pic.. you better keep that handy

Hubman said...

Oh, the flashbacks you're causing me! I totally had the same feeling in the waiting room. There I am, all of 38 yrs old, and the youngest by at least 25 years!

What I wanted to know was if I was there for a vasectomy why did they give me the standard erectile dysfunction and trouble pissing surveys each time I visited? Reflex?

My doc did the regular incision method and local anesthetic. I drove myself home, no problem at all.

Damn, I really should write an entry about my own experience....

T said...

Dude, you're the man.

Thanks for documenting all of this. It is very interesting to hear about....

But still...

it isn't childbirth.

I'm just sayin'.

Funny in my mind said...

My husband did fine and after, you get a popsicle (for the boys?) and a lot of sex. You have to do it a lot to make sure to get the ones still in the tube out of there. There are many ways to do this....

Sadie said...

I keep forwarding these to my husband in the hopes that he will finally get it done. I've only been begging for three years now - sigh.

Do me a favor, no matter what, sell it as the best thing you ever did by part 4. ;)

SweetPeaSurry said...

My BIL had the procedure done a while ago. He said he was sore for a few days, but not really in much pain ... but I'll wish you the best of luck with the clipping of the baby makin' tubes dude!

blessings

SciFi Dad said...

Did someone say Orange Julius?

Amber said...

haha, 1% lottery winners.
Hmmm, I'm interested to see just how much discomfort can come from a single punch through the scrotum can cause, I certainly hope it's not a lot. As well, I wonder what the infection rate is, given it's general body location.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Amber...I don't know. But thank you for giving me something else to think about!

Mum-me said...

HB had it done the 'elegant' way first time.

Second time the doctor not only cut, but removed a section of tube and then burnt the ends.

HB 'works' even better than before. (Because neither one of us is worrying about making another baby.)

Russ said...

I second what Sara said, I had to make three "contributions" until I got the all clear too.

I had the scalpel version, I guess rather than "elegant" mine was "ordinary"?

Just, promise me, make sure you have a health dose of pain killer. IF you don't, it'll feel like you got kicked in the 'nads! Hard!

Single AB said...

DGB, you wrote "a sigle punch THROUGH the scrotum" while I read "a single punch TO the scrotum". I thought the whole procedure was like an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Single AB...If that were true, I would be $10,000 richer and get to meet Tom Bergeron.

Ronald10021 said...

Hey DGB--I'm only now getting to check up on the follow-up comments and apologize for jumping ahead. I look forward to Part 3 with much curiosity.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

No worries at all.

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