Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Divorce Court Update

By TentCamper

So as a few of you know, I was downtown Los Angeles today for my 9,864,567 appearance in divorce court. (The low number is due to the fact that this divorce only started in Spring of 2006.)

Anyway, as I was sitting and waiting to see the mediator and then for the judge, I took the 4 hours of ‘hall time’ to check out some of the freaks mulling about.

I hope that I don’t offend anyone reading this…it would not be my intention…but if you do get offended by this…there may be something wrong with you.

Alright, back to my being judgmental, voyeuristic…and bust plain mean.

I can’t recall what order I saw these in but here goes a glimpse of what my eyes witnessed …all before noon today:

A roughly 65 year old black woman walking down the hall, wearing baggy bright turquoise cotton pants and shirt with a train conductor style hat that looked to be made of tin foil. At first glance I thought she had some ready to eat Jiffy Pop balanced on her head.

A 50-something year old black man wearing purple basketball shoes, black jeans (with purple streaks all over, who accompanied his severe pimp walk with the use of a cane…but the cane was solely used as a sort of flare…he’d swing it up in front of him, then give it a bit of a twist (as if it were a move that he saw in some old Michael Jackson video that he thought was cool.) Oh yeah…and dangling from the end of the cane’s handle was about a 5 karat cubic zirconium, dancing itself all the way down the hall, hanging on a little 4 inch string.

A 5 foot 2 inch woman who had to weigh about 250 pounds wearing (unintentionally, I’m sure) skin tight, black pants and a big poofy, bright orange blouse…I could not help but to think ‘pumpkin’… ‘BIG pumpkin!’

A woman sitting on a bench in one of the side halls, breastfeeding her baby…and a 35 (or so) year old guy leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the hall…staring, with a creepy smirk and then he readjusted so that his file folders were in front of his crotch. (what was he trying to hide????)

A woman in her late 20’s (Persian I would guess) who had quite evidently had ‘mounds’ of work done on her large and in charge boobs. Her lips were ones that would make Lisa Rena jealous. The problem that I noticed is that SHE, not her man, wanted her to get the work done. Everything on her as she looked into a mirror, I’m sure, looked great to her. As she turned around…I notice that the woman had ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NO ASS. If a man wanted her to get cosmetic shit done to her…I assure you that he would have wanted ‘things’ proportional.
(Maybe the Dr. took her ass and shoved it into her chest and mouth.)

A mid 30’s woman, standing up against the wall across from me looking up and down the hall, (obviously waiting for someone.) She was holding her iPhone in both hands, down in front of her. Then I noticed that she kept twisting her phone back and forth…still glancing up and down the hall. Slow-ass me finally realized that she was iPhone-terbating…right there in the courthouse hallway! WTF!?

Oddly…the strangest one to me was ‘the guy’ that was lurking around the divorce court mediation office. I saw him at 7:30 AM, when I got there, talking to some woman. I thought nothing of it until she was called in and then I saw him winking as he approached some other girl waiting to get her divorce finalized. This guy was still there at 11:30 when I was leaving mediation…and he was sitting and trying to strike up a conversation with some other lady…who by the way wanted nothing to do with him.
(I suppose it is one place to meet a woman who may be in the need for a shoulder…but fuck dude!!!)

THIS, MY FRIENDS IS WHY I NEED A BLACKBERRY OR iPHONE...THEN YOU WOULD HAVE PICTURES TO GO ALONG WITH MY ATTEMPTS AT DESCRIBING THIS...HORROR.

19 comments:

SweetPeaSurry said...

That is the funniest shite evah!!! I adore people watching. It's a fun thing to do near my office too, as that's where they drop off all the homeless people from the shelter for the day. We have a ton of crazy screamers and stuff. Brilliant post!

blessings!

ZenMom said...

Wow. People watching is fun, huh? And, um, a little scary. ;)

Rhea said...

Picking up women in divorce court is almost as bad as picking them up at funerals. Wow.

TentCamper said...

SPS - Thanks for the nice comment.

ZM - Yeah...I got a bit freaked out by the time I left.

Rhea - you think that is bad... I knew a guy once (in a sort of 'program' who admitted that he used to go to Sex Addicts Anonymous...only to pick up horny girls. That is messed up.

flutter said...

iPhonerbating.....ew.

Brandy said...

People watching is a great way to pass the time huh? So will you be returning to divorce court again? If so please make the proper arrangements to have that iPhone or Blackberry beforehand.

Mkay? Thanks.

TentCamper said...

flutter - yes...and don't my new words kind of rock?!

Brandy - how bout this...you send me and iPhone (or Blackberry) and I will Twitpick everything I see on a daily basis...just for you. Deal?

T said...

Wow.

Yeah, you keep posting stuff like that, I'm sure you could add a donation button to purchase you an iPhone.

I think we'd all want to see pics!!

qtmama said...

WAIT! You mean the iPhone doesn't have an app for that?

What a POS.

dadshouse said...

All these people are getting divorces, right? Did you get the Persians phone number for me? I know I'm an ass man, but maybe I should be more open-minded about dating assless women with ginormous fake breasts.

TentCamper said...

T - Great idea!!!!

qtmama - As you know...I don't have an iPhone...but as far as I know their apps do fall a bit short. There should be a button on the side that when pressed, the device will vibrate..until releasing the button.

dadshouse - I think I heard her telling the divorce court Romeo something about...976-666-...damn...I did not catch the rest.
But seriously..If you all chip in...I will send pics of every nice set I see.

ChocDrop said...

People watching is awesome. iPhone-terbating, now that is a new one.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Sorry you had to spend so much time in court, but at least there's a good post to come out of it. If you can't entertain the masses than it's not worth it, right?

Amorous Rocker said...

Wow that's an obscene amount of time in court, ick.

Awesome people watching observations though. I cracked up over the pumpkin thing. And well, all the other ones too. ;)

Swirl Girl said...

really makes you feel all normal, huh? how'd it go at mediation?

TentCamper said...

DGB - maybe I should just keep the court ongoing...then I'll always have decent posts and you will all be able to smile....(while I DIE!)

Amorous Rocker - yeah...court sucks. But at least the folks there kept me entertained. And...if you only knew about the pumpkin!!!

My Swirly Friend - I guess...but not much makes ME feel normal. Mediation was a complete bust...did not go anywhere...have to set up another day in court.

Not a soccer mom said...

I love people watching!
I also love your glorious account. Who needs pictures?

Phones dont vibrate enough...in my opinion...er at least I wouldnt think that they do. ahem

Love your new word im using it... what like you have a copyright?

TentCamper said...

Not a soccer mom - yes, I do have the copyright. but....you can use it

Susan said...

What in God's name is at the root of a 3+ year divorce not being finalized??? I think you beat me... my ex wouldn't hand over financials of our savings to split equally, when we both worked equally the entire time. He just wanted me to walk.

Then, he neglected to tell me he moved out of the state we were originally living and filing in, so after 1.5 years of legal fees I learned that we couldn't file in that state after all.

It is so worth holding your own if it's important. Yet at the same time, it can drain you to the bone.

What's up?

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