Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm an Ass, Man


Hey, wait a sec. Who stuck that comma in the title? This was supposed to be a post about how I’m an Ass Man. How I love the backside of a woman’s body. How you can tell things about a woman from her butt, like whether she works out, and how sexy she is. (All inspired by the Hot Dads post, MILFy is... Hot Boobs or a Great Ass?)

With a comma in the title, how am I supposed to wax poetic about Kim Kardashian’s derriere?

Sigh. I guess I’ll roll with the punches, and write about how I’m an ass. (All you Dad’s House readers quit snickering! Self-deprecation is a good thing.)

I’m an ass because… in the Mai Tai recipe I posted on my blog, I said to use 4 parts rum to 1 part amaretto. Some poor reader commented that he made the drink with 4 jiggers of rum. That’s 6-8 oz of booze in one drink! The concoction was so alcohol loaded, he feared a cocktail fire might break out. My bad for giving a ratio without a measurement. Clearly, if I’d said “one part is 2/3 oz.”, he would have made the perfect tropical drink, and I wouldn’t be an ass.

I'm an ass because... I once left such a cheeky comment on QTMama's blog, she was compelled to delete it! No, QT is not a communist China censor. She's a lovely single mom blogger who happens to have a boyfriend now. In an effort to be funny, I crossed a line, and she'd have nothing of it. (Good for her!) Clearly, if I'd written a comment that was more sensitive (and boring! haha), I wouldn't be an ass. (Does that 'boring' crack make me an ass, twice again? Doh!)

I’m an ass because… I blog about reality TV stars Jon and Kate Gosselin from the show Jon and Kate Plus 8, asking where do Jon and Kate Gosselin live (in denial!), and pondering what the future may hold for the family after a Jon and Kate divorce. One Dad’s House reader said I had no business judging Jon and Kate.Look, I’m not judging them. Heck, I’m divorced too. I’m merely using their much-publicized actions as a springboard for opinionated debate about divorce and single parenting. Clearly, if I’d started my own reality TV show and gotten as famous as them, I could have kept blogging about my own life, and I wouldn’t be an ass.

I’m an ass because… I once sent dirty text messages to a woman I hadn’t yet met. Hey, we met online. We simply hadn’t yet had our first date. Problem is, if you heat things up too quickly, the whole dating thing can spontaneously combust. Besides, she started it! Clearly, if I’d kept my text messages clean, she and I would be happily dating right now, and I wouldn’t be an ass. (At least I didn't send sexy text messages to a lover on a prepaid go phone hidden from a spouse, like one Dad's House reader found his wife doing. If you haven't read that post, you need to.)

I'm an ass because... when Mindy Mom visited San Francsico and we met for lunch, I picked her and her 3-year-old daughter up at their hotel, drove four blocks to North Beach, then spent 15 minutes trying to find parking, which resulted in us driving four more blocks to the far side of North Beach, then walking back to get a bite. (Follow all that?) Clearly, if I'd looked at a map, or had a clue about that part of San Francsico, we could have enjoyed a lovely stress-free stroll from her hotel to the restaurant, and I wouldn't be an ass.

I’m an ass because… the margarita recipe that I love so much came from my favorite Mexican restaurant. It was a huge reason I went there weekly to eat. And now that I know how they fix that drink (served with rocks and salt, amigo!), I can make those margaritas at home, which means I don’t eat at their restaurant quite so often anymore (what an ass!). (The food is excellent there, btw. But it’s a down economy, and I need to cut back somehow.) Clearly, if I’d drunk more shots of Herradura Anejo tequila and didn’t write down that tequila brand name when I was there, I’d still be drinking margaritas at their restaurant every week, and I wouldn’t be an ass.

I’m an ass because… I’m the Hot Dad who stuck that comma in the title. I thought it would be clever fun to write a post like this. Clearly, if I’d left the comma out, this post would be plastered with pictures of Kim Kardashian’s booty, and I wouldn’t be an ass.

(At least I snuck a pic in....)

Image from flickr by remolacha.net fotos, some rights reserved CC BY-NC 2.0.


24 comments:

Amorous Rocker said...

Kim K does have a great ass, damn.

Though a post full of booty pictures would have been more visually pleasing, this one was definitely more entertaining to read. =)

gingermagnolia said...

Well, now I have to go read that post about sexy texts!

Just me... said...

Never use a pre-paid phone unbeknownst to your spouse.. It just bites you in the ass..
The phrase "delete them, you fool" does come to mind..

Oops.. Well, at least you know I clicked.. :):)

jewelryandgiftsbyrebecca said...

It takes a strong man to admit he's an ass. Good for you.
So what the hell does she do to get that booty? I need to take the clothes off my stair stepper huh?

T said...

Well, as a self-declared ass-woman myself, I certainly don't blame you for wanting to wax poetic about KK's rear. Because... well, wow.

But yes, I think this post was fun. Very clever David.

:)

qtmama said...

Ohhhhh you're an ass, but we love you anyway. :)

katherine. said...

ass or not...obviously a man.
smile.

Danielle said...

Now can you actually do a post on either being an ass or boob man. I think that would be fun.
You ass!!!

Eathan said...

haha.. funny. I guess when you're being a boob, you're still an ass man.

MindyMom said...

This was a fun post David. And for the record, I don't think the driving around when we could have walked made you an ass. It was kinda cute and funny.

TentCamper said...

My lord man - you are an ASS!!!! I actually did not know who KK was till this morning...then 'read' the top of the post 8 or 9 times...was hard to concentrate!

Great post and thanks for the tip

Barney said...

Kim K does have a nice ass..I prefer a women with a little back side.. not flat and shapeless..

Ass you say? Hmmm....that takes some consideration...

ZenMom said...

Fun post!

FWIW, you may be an Ass Man, but I don't think you're really an Ass, Man.

Single Dad Life said...

Well I am not sure how to respond to this. If I agree with you, does that mean I agree you are an ass? Or am I just agreeing with your comma title that you are an Ass, Man? Either way, you are one amusing individual!

Trooper Thorn said...

As the Bard said:
'Tis better to be an Ass,
Than a Prick, Hamlet.

dadshouse said...

Katherine - you just said that because I didn't want to look at a map or ask for directions when parking in North Beach.

Dad Blog said...

Yep... That is perfect and then some! I am an Ass, Man!

Homer and Queen said...

Are you REALLY an ass?

CK Lunchbox said...

Oh, we all are at some point. Better than being a dumb boob. I'm an ass because I drive around with the windows down while blasting Dennis Leary's "I'm an asshole" song.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay...whether or not you are an a.s.s. you ARE a link slut! Just sayin...

TentCamper said...

and.......Link Slut wins PHRASE OF THE DAY!!!!

Not a soccer mom said...

It seems you are feeling a bit down on the opinions of your blog.. dont be. Differing opinions are what makes the world go round.
blogophere world too

yoga ninja mama said...

oh shit. kim kardashian's ass. generally i consider myself pretty heterosexual, but there are a few women i'd switch teams for. kim is definitely one of them. haha!

anyway, this post made me laaaaaugh! :)

Jennifer said...

Very, very funny post! Now I have to go read about the text messages!

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