Thursday, August 13, 2009

What If You Knew It Was The Last Time?

I was going to write about being stung by a bee while riding my bicycle home from work yesterday, but had a less venomous moment of inspiration when I read Just Jules posting about Last Moments. She has an interesting point that we often commemorate Firsts in our lives: baby’s first step or word, first day of school, first indictment.

However, our Lasts are frequently ignored or worse, we don’t know they were Lasts.

It got me to thinking about Lasts in my marriage. I have posted a few times about my Ex, but since I never get that personal she has been an infrequent topic.

People have often asked how long we had been separated and I have been stumped at answering because there was never a definitive “Now we are together, now we aren’t” moment, just a series of Lasts. Put them all together and you can see the demise of what had been a wonderful relationship.

Last Vacation Together as a Family: Christmas 2005. We made a spur of the moment decision to drive to Oklahoma at Christmas to see relatives. I thought it was a fun time, but she was not very intimate.

Last Night Together in what she considered the “Family Home”: April, 2006. The next day I loaded up the car and moved to the West Coast to start a new job in anticipation of she and the kids joining me in the new house when school was finished.

Last Time we Celebrated my Birthday: October, 2006. The next month I rented a friend’s condo because I was getting tired of staying at her mother’s each time she felt like she needed “space”. My birthday the next year she had a date.

Last Time at her Sister’s: August 2007. It started off as a great day, there was even a hint she was willing to give “it” another shot. Then I dropped the camera in the water while trying to take her picture and she reminded me this sort of stuff was why we were never going to be together.

Last Trip Together, Just the Two of Us: November 2007. I asked her to accompany me to Vancouver to a conference. We stayed at a chic hotel. The second night, she made plans to meet a girlfriend for drinks and would call me later to join them for dinner. No call. She came back the hotel room at 2AM. The girlfriend had left the bar around 11.

Last Christmas Together: December 2007. Her whole family was coming to our house (even though I was renting a condo 15 minutes away, it was our house) and she wanted the kitchen reno’d. I was laying new flooring down right up until the minute the doorbell rang.

Last “Time” Together: Spring 2008. This one is a little hazy. I remember the moment, but not the date. We were engaged in the activity and I tried to kiss her and she avoided it. She was pretty drunk so I didn’t think too much of it. Then I tried to remember the last time we had sex when she wasn’t drunk and couldn’t. It dawned on me that it had stopped being ‘love making’ for her a long time ago, and she could only have sex with me when inebriated. When I realized how little respect and how much loathing for me she had, I knew that was the last time. I got up and slept in the downstairs bedroom. She never spoke of it the next day.

To finish this posting on a “bittersweet note”, here’s a wonderful song from Amanda Wilkinson about the last times of love.

26 comments:

ZenMom said...

Wow.

And ouch.

Really well done. Really.

I've had lasts that I knew were lasts and ones that I had no idea. Looking back, I really couldn't say which ones were more painful or bittersweet.

But you've made me think of both kinds, now. Not sure I want to thank you for that or not.

Sandi said...

it does sound painful....and I can see that you were very aware of each and every moment or you wouldn't have stored it all so accurately in your memory. It's sad when things break down like that because I'm sure you could just as easily go back and remember all those firsts and feel those emotions again that somehow disappeared along the way. Live and learn. I don't think I'd want to know what my lasts were. I'll just live each day like every moment is my last instead.

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

Painful lasts. Hope you are oay.

ChocDrop said...

You are right. Unfortunately, the lasts are sticking with me more than the firsts. I hate that!

PT-LawMom said...

Ow. :( But it sounds like you were paying attention to the signs and stopped allowing yourself to be hurt.

TentCamper said...

DAMN YOU!!!!! Bringing up all of this...which may as well have been my left with my ex. I try so hard not to remember 'those' times.

Great post. I think you are very right about the 'lasts' They are more forgetable, but VERY significant.

Jody said...

Ouch! I am so sorry you went through that. Indifference hurts.

Another Suburban Mom said...

This was very well written and one of the most melancholy things I have ever read.

Not a soccer mom said...

I love how you put this together.. It has been many years ago for me but I am sure I could come up with a list of lasts... if I cared to.

You sound like a caring and intuitive person. She just wasnt the one who deserved you

Rainy said...

Aw I really don't know what to say. It's really sad to see any relationship breaks down in writing or in person..

I hope you're doing better though and thank you for sharing.

Scandalous Housewife said...

That shit has to stop. You're better than that, and her. Seriously...

April said...

How to put into words what I want to say...

You deserve someone who will cherish you, desire you, affirm you.

You deserve to be a treasure in her heart and never more than a thought away.

Clearly this was lacking for you in this relationship and I hope that you find yourself someday with a woman who is able to care for you the way you should be cared for.

Athena said...

That was an amazingly emotive post and you touched me. I look forward to some new firsts for you with a woman who can help you forget all those lasts with the ex.

Cheeks said...

I've had similar conversations with friends - about how the firsts are remembered with such joy and the lasts are often forgotten. I'm sure it is because, more often than not, we're not aware that it was going to be the last time it would happen. I know there are some things I would've tried to burn every image, word, scent, sound and taste into my brain if I knew I wouldn't get another crack at it.

Very thought provoking and well written post. *hugs you even though I don't really know you* =)

dadshouse said...

Hard for me to think about lasts. I have an easier time moving forward and focusing on the firsts. Maybe that's why so many do that? Or maybe we secretly hope some lasts won't be the last? (Though when an ex spouse is concerned, last means last!)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW... okay. That opens a new door to you that I haven't seen before.

Well, for my personality it's hard for me to think back and remember lasts because usually it is depressing and leaves me in a semi dazed state the rest of the day.

But when lasts are starts to new more wonderful beginnings, then that is more my style of pondering. :)

Great Post... thanks for opening up!

only a movie said...

Nice work, Trooper. Interesting way to change up perspective.

tammy said...

This makes me sad Trooper. I feel like I need to take you out and buy you a drink.

TentCamper said...

tammy - you can buy me a drink.

Swirl Girl said...

This would make a great movie treatment. Really.


Men are not always the cause of separation and divorce...some women can be shallow and horrible and distant and selfish.

Anonymous said...

I really don't know how to comment on this post. It's made me think of the "last" time with my ex...

As in, the last time I allowed him to get physically violent with me. But THANK GOD I was finally aware it was going to be the last time. No man would ever lay his hands on me again, especially not one who was supposed to love me.

My regret I have about the relationship is that one day, I'll have to talk to my girls about abusive relationships. And I'll have to tell them that their mom has personal experience with one...

Mama Dawg said...

Ouch, Troop. You know how I feel about all this, so no ugliness from me.

The only reason I know the last day that I considered my ex my husband was because it was April 15th and that's a pretty significant date down here in the states. Otherwise, I couldn't tell you my other lasts.

Former Fat Chick said...

I'm going to go home and be nicer to the hubs today...but don't tell him just in case I change my mind *ha* I kid- I kid

Susan said...

Your story is my husbands and you are leaving someone that is so similar to his ex-wife.

You totally deserve so much better - we all do. And the best part of all, you'll question how you could have ever allowed yourself to let it go that long once you find the right person.

Promise.

Janie Woods said...

Hmmm, throw those "lasts" back about six years and they mirror my own. I'm not sure that mourning a death and mourning the death of a marriage aren't so far apart. Thanks though, it was beautifully written.

LiteralDan said...

That's rough. The important thing is, I think, that it's definitely over now, and you can process all this and move on to someone more worthy.

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