Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Selling out for spam

I recently got a spam e-mail, alone amongst all the offers to "grow [my] membr" and "plezure her all nite" and such, with the straightforward title: "Write me some words".

I'm not sure exactly what they were going for here, since Gmail so helpfully blocked all the content and put a red warning banner on it for me, but I must admit I was momentarily fascinated. How specific are these people getting? Are they really taking the time to hand-pick addresses from across the Web and send things like this to targeted audiences like myself?

Are they picturing some beret-wearing English major dropping his jaw at seeing this title, likely read in his mind with a slight pant and kittenish tone, given the steamy setting, and eagerly clicking to find out more about this easy romantic conquest, the one finally won over by his arguably above-moderate skill at selecting words?

Allow me just a moment to wipe the sweat out from under my beret while I compose a response laced with the appropriate amount of disdain.

You will never catch me, spammers, never! No matter how clever you think you are, or how many times you can fool the first-tier spam filters with your creative spelling.

Come to think of it, I have to wonder how many bitter English majors have been reduced to writing these e-mails, given the sluggish earning power of most of my ilk, and the tricksy/antiquated phrasing I've seen appear in this entertaining little folder.

Should I join the ranks of these turncoats? Do I have a better economic choice? Perhaps I should reply to this polite Nigerian fellow here, to see if he has any suggestions?


Posted by LiteralDan

19 comments:

April said...

Probably the best spam email I ever received said "You have been selected to recieve a carrot."
Seriously? Total excitement.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

I get spam that doesn't contain a link or anything. It's just a title that says something like "prescripshun meds for cheaps", but the body is just garbage with no links. Like I'm going to respond and say, "Yes, dear sir. Please tell me more."

ChocDrop said...

Glad that you are secure enough to know that your member is really OK! It is so sad that there is some guy out there thinking they got to have it.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Oh man, I was never selected to receive a carrot. And I'm already taking care of that Nigerian guy, so you don't need to respond to him. On the plus side, I'm gonna be rich soon!

Burgh Baby said...

If I had a dollar for every penis growth email that I receive, I'd have enough money to go out and buy a penis.

TentCamper said...

That Nigerian thing is not for real? SHIT!

I say you write him a letter...see how he got your info, to explain exactly how he can make your penis bigger...and how much he gets paid (I'd be interested to knw the answer to the last one.)

Always Home and Uncool said...

I think it was TentCamper tell you stop loafing and write a post for the site.

I expect to be next.

Mary said...

I'm having trouble getting past the image of you in a beret. Is it black? Do you tip it over your eyebrow? Would you only take it off to shower?

Homer and Queen said...

Since I don't have to penis to worry about making bigger I just delete them...

Trooper Thorn said...

You must already be plezuring her all nite if you have the confidence to delete such an offer. What is your secret?

TentCamper said...

you are next AlwaysHomeandUncool!!!

qtmama said...

Hmm, I must go cancel my order for the boob enlarger I purchased.

LiteralDan said...

For those of you without a penis, I highly recommend getting one. Except when you have to run... or sit in tight quarters. Other than that, life is way better with one! It's like you're never without a toy.

As for everyone else, yes, I'm more than satisfied with myself; I wish I won a free carrot; and Always Home and Uncool, you win for cleverest comment. And you're probably right-- get ready for a renewed onslaught of guilt!

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I came "this close" to being duped by spammers pretending to be Pay Pal. They were highly convincing. At the last minute, though, I came to my senses. I still felt stupid though.

dadshouse said...

Wait, you're saying spammers are hiring English majors to write those spam emails, and you want to put them out of business? What will those English majors do! (Haha, just kidding. Sort of.)

LiteralDan said...

DGB, don't feel stupid-- PayPal e-mails are barely coherent as it is, so the risk of confusion with scams is entirely their fault.

dashouse, I don't necessarily want to put them out of business, as that would seem kind of traitorous, but I would love it if they left ME, personally, alone.

What would they do? They COULD do anything, but I know well the likelihood that they would just drift away into a 1) semi-vegetative state or 2) prostitution. There is no in-between.

Steely Dad said...

I see your point. I've always wondered the percentage of spam that actually works. I mean someone must be buying those penis-enhancing pills otherwise they'd stop, right?

Susan said...

I'm going to check out my spam filter right now...

I'm tempted to fuck with them from all the comments.

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