I told her I'd be glad to work with her as I only had plans that night and early morning hockey each morning. I told her to ask her mom when she got home and that I'd get her on my way home from work. Half an hour later my Ex called asking why I was too busy to help my daughter with her school work!
WHAT? (said with rising voice)
Apparently my daughter went home and told her mom the exact opposite of the conversation. She got her mom all worked up about her dad abandoning her and choosing his new family over her etc. Why would she do that? Why ask for my help if you just want to use it to start a fight? What possible benefit did she get from throwing me under the bus?
I have racked my brain to figure this out. Do your kids lie to get your Ex's angry with you?
12 comments:
I have never had that happen to me, but I have heard of it happening to others.
Remember that your daughter is a woman. Women communicate differently then men. Just as a woman is not looking for a solution but for sympathy when she complains about something, when a woman asks for your help, she is asking you to show her she is more important than everything else.
Women don't want solutions and help as much as they want sympathy and reaffirmation that they are the most important thing in your life.
It's twisted and sick but it's true.
I don't have that situation as I am not divorced, but I do remember being a teen.
attention, it is all about attention
a simple- "if you pull this kind of crap you are choosing to fail because I will not help you when you exhibit this kind of behavior" "pinning your mom against myself will only harm you in the end"
calm, drama free- low key reaction to counter her off the wall b.s.
ahhhh girls (thank God I only have one out of four)
My parents were divorced and I think I threw my dad under the bus a few times. I look back and I am not sure why. Maybe I was angry he had new people in his life.
Oilfield: Others? You mean like me?
Matt: Thanks. It sounds like you have read a book or two.
Chapter 2: That usually de-escalates the situation a bit. Now if I could just get her mom to not take the bait.
Evil: Good to know.
Sundar: I'm pretty sure "retards" is no longer the correct psychiatric term.
Its an attention getting thing.
I would make it clear up front that it wont happen again. or you might find your self back in the same situation on a reg basis.
I say you should take her some plae special and make her feel wanted.
Have you asked her directly? And what's up with the ex getting all soap boxy with you? Seriously? Mine tries, try being the primary word here, but to no avail.
Well, my former stepson (12) still spends every other weekend with me since my divorce and boy does he throw his mom under the bus. He doesn't want to accept responsibility for his bad grades in math, which really equates to forgetting to turn in homework. He'll find any reason to blame her for it though. He got me riled up about it once, but never again. I'm not sure why they do it.
Update: A week ago she said she had broken her arm and mom refused to take her to the doctor. When I called mom to inquire, I learned the girl was currently at the gym exercising, so I guess the arm wasn't that broken.
Wow!it is really a cool post with have a different collection of thought...
I have experienced this from the daughters side. Not the exact situation but many similar. Your daughter was not trying to throw you under the buss, in fact the opposite she felt abandoned. What you said and what she heard were two different things. You said "Sure, but I have this and this to do also" she heard "I have other obligations that are more important." Maybe she used this situation to express some of her feelings about you living a separate life? Sounds like there is some underlying anger/sadness about you having a new family. The best thing you can do for her is learn how to communicate with her and spend qualify time doing so. She wants, no, she needs your attention now more than ever. Fathers teach their daughters how they should be treated by men and your role is to ensure she expects the best. You want her to grow up knowing she should never make someone else a priority when they only make her an option.
this is really awesome post.
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