Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Perfect Vacation or Gift to give your Wife or Girlfriend

Well I always get mails from chicks wanting to know this that or the other pertaining to guys and I answer them and they take my advice and it works out just like I said it would or they don't and it gets all messed up. Well I know guys don't always ask things so I will give some unrequested advice to guys out there to give your girl the perfect vacation. The ultimate gift. Something that will please them beyond anything they thought possible.

Guys most of you don't appreciate what your girls go through, wives especially. If they work outside of the home they work the same hours as you do then get home and have tend kids and clean house and do most of the cooking, washing, folding and so on. The same goes for SAHM's. Have you ever tried talking to a 3 year old all day as well as doing all the other things listed up there? It doesn't exactly peg out the excitement meter. Well then you roll into the house and half way expect dinner to be ready, kids to act right, house to be clean etc etc and never give her the credit she deserves. Well this plan I have will absolutely let her know how much you care about her and how much you appreciate what she does for the family. This will show her how in tune with her wants, desires and needs are as well as show her you are selfless and all that other sissy stuff they like to see from you once a decade.

This will also work with girlfriends, shack ups, friends with benefits and on and on.

Anyway here you go. Bust out and dust off your trapper keeper and don't miss a word, I will lay it out in easy to understand instructions.

Ok guys first you need to get someone to watch your house, kids, pets or other things that might need tending for 3 days. The plan needs 3 full days. Oh yeah if you can keep it a secret its better. Then you need to make travel plans for the two of you leaving Friday afternoon and returning on the redeye Sunday night. Pick a destination on or near the beach say from Texas to North Carolina. Somewhere she has never been, somewhere beautiful and peaceful at the same time. Ok make the arrangements and all of that.

Then pack for her as well as new lingerie you have bought for her and her favorite ummmmm sexual aids, lubes, jells, lotions, potions, scented bath stuff, new perfume, you know all the foo-foo stuff chicks dig. Make sure you get all of that stuff. I know this sounds stupid but its only three days, damn suck it up wouldja.

Ok then after getting all the stuff squared away off you go to your beach destination arriving Friday night and getting into the LIMO you have waiting at the airport. To the hotel where she is taken directly to get a massage you have scheduled in advance for her. You unpack and prepare for later. Then after the massage you of course have wine or her drink of choice available when she returns. No touching or anything yet. She drinks a few or couple or one depending on her tolerance and you either read her poems or put the radio/tv on her favorite music station. By this time it is time to go to the fancy dinner you have SCHEDULED in advance.

Follow every step to a T!

You go to the dinner where the flowers you have had delivered there in advance for her are presented and the meal is perfect. Candles, romance, sweet nothings etc, all that romance novel BS they like. Then back to the hotel surely she is a little tired tonight from the trip and all.

Then when you return to the hotel you instantly start her a bath with the bath smell good stuff in there and candles and soft music. You offer to wash her lightly but still no sexual stuff AT ALL. Just tending to her in all other ways, pouring drinks, washing her back, adjusting the water temp. So you allow her to soak and all that. If you really went all out she is in a whirlpool tub and its whoopin and all of that, bubbles, smell good etc. You stay clothed. Then when she calls for you when she is ready to get out you go in and with the new super duper soft towel you have bought you lightly dob the water from her skin making sure she is sufficiently dry and then you allow her to do whatever the hell it is they do in there between getting out of the shower and being ready for whatever is next. Then when she calls again (she hasn't been able to see in the room this whole time per your instructions) you go back and give her the naughtiest outfit you bought for her and tell her to put it on wait 5 minutes, let the anticipation continue to mount then come out.

Ok this is the most important part for her to have the most satisfying, wonderful, excellent experience possible so don't get this wrong at all.


Ok then come back into the room, give me your cell phone number and the room key, go to your room and remember to have breakfast, lunch, dinner and alcohol delivered at the appropriate times and don't forget to pick up your completely worn out, sated, satisfied and sore wife or girlfriend up in time to make the airport Sunday.


I'm telling you it hasn't failed yet!

This perfect vacation brought to you by Sage. I have a couple of weekends still open between July 10th and 2010, they are available while they last, first come first served, very well served.

24 comments:

Barefoot Dreamer said...

Ummm - Sage, girls are going to love this post and giggle, but, I'm gonna guess guys are going to be not as tickled ;)

However, that being said - I don't remember the last time I giggled this hard.

Hilarious!

Irish Gumbo said...

Foolproof...Sage, that's 'effin brilliant! Takes some of the pressure off, you know?

I always knew you were a giver...

Susan said...

What planet do you come from???

I'm going to print this and sneak it in my husband's daytimer.

And I am in full agreement by the way... this is master planning. Master planning.

JennyMac said...

haha. But you can omit one thing: flowers at the restaurant.

Love it!

cj said...

For those of us without husbands.....can we just call you direct???

Southern Sage said...

BD Nah the guys will dig it cause they get a get outta jail free card!!

IG yeah i'ma martyr! Taking one for the team and all!

Southern Sage said...

Susan, I come from the planet Please'emall!! Tell hubs to hit me up!

JM ok ok no flowers for you. Rose petals on the bed or in the tub?

CJ oh yes ma'am but my part only comes in at the very bottom all that other stuff isn't my forte!

Ms Scarlett said...

Sage Darling, if you promise to wear those Wranglers we discussed, I will book every open weekend ya got baby!!

*giggle*

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HMMMMM I'm wondering if SUSAN read all the way to the end of the post? ha!

But the post is ONE BIG TEASE!!! Who has a husband that will do ALL THE REST??? PPPPFFFTTT!

That was a rhetorical question... I really don't want any salt rubbed into THAT wound...

CJ said...

Well, H E double hockey sticks Sage, that takes out half the fun....MY half.... :)

Just kidding....now where'd I put my dayplanner?????

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Can't believe I fell for that.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I think I will cut and paste this post and send it to my husband, but leave out the last part...;)

ChocDrop said...

You crack me up...that last paragraph...Love it!!!

Southern Sage said...

Ms.: Anything you desire...

Shelle: I think some folks missed the jist of it!!!

Southern Sage said...

Cj write it is permanent marker. I promise my part will make you forget about all the other parts!

DGB: lol

Southern Sage said...

Petra, thats like watching a whole movie then not watching the end! Its like winning a contest and not getting the prize!!

Choc. Glad you liked it!!

Missty said...

LOL. Sage you are a hoot! lol What a giver.

Southern Sage said...

Give give never take thats my creed!

Not a soccer mom said...

I was with ya... I really was.

haha hilarious!

Homer and Queen said...

If you dress up like Capt Jack, I'm in!!

TentCamper said...

OK..that is a plan worth writing down...I will use it...once I hit the freakin Lotto!!!!

Way out of my financial bracket at the moment...

I am hoping that my 'manhood' and 50% hepl with the kids and house are enought to keep her happy.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Tent camper didn't read to the end either... But u have it in writing so he can't go back now! Hehe

Southern Sage said...

NASM
Just let me know what dates you want!!!

Queen
Do you have a french maid outfit?

TC reread, then tell me what weekend works for y'all

Shelle
you have like 5 weekends already!!

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