Monday, March 22, 2010

Ask Hot Dads

b mari asked:

Ok, so here it goes... There's this hot, single, dad, at work, that I was just kind of friends with, in fact, not even attracted to until one night. That one night I was a lil tipsy and flirt-texted him. Ha! He texted back. So....we set a date for a night (he was willing to travel nearly 2hrs to my place) --and what do you know? It was extremely amazing! --It was amazing from the moment he walked in and all the way to the bedroom. Anyway, afterward we talked about our upbringing, family, his daughter etc and it turns out we have a lot more in common than we thought. We fell asleep in each others arms and since then have seen each other 2 more times. He knows I would like to start a relationship, but he said he wasn't good relationship material. --The thing is that we always end up talking about our families and it makes me think otherwise.... About me, I'm about 6 yrs older than him, don't want any kids and don't have any (though I looove them), and he had a vasectomy (his daughter is 12).... question now is how much did you share about yourself to your "bootycalls?" Did you ever see yourself with any one them?

Is there even a remote chance with him? Should I just keep hoping? Or just let it go? p.s......I'm sooooo willing to drive to him... --Oh, and I know he more than likes me because one of his good friends gave me the "411" on him. --He says he just doesn't have time....

says: Well, I’ll start by saying that I never shared too much with any of my past ‘bootycalls’…cuz that was just what they were. We were just in it for the sex…nothing more.

Regarding your situation, I’d say that it is a tough one. I would ask you why you don’t want kids. That statement and the fact that he has a 12 year old daughter don’t mix too well. At that age, she’ll need a mother figure in her life.

Maybe he says that he is not good relationship material because he just wants to be single. I think that it is a discussion that you will have to have with him. Keep it (the feelings) out in the open…otherwise one of you will get hurt. It is easy for one side of a relationship to grow closer and the other remains …’bootycall’ status.

With a child in the situation it has to be all or nothing. You have to fully commit…so make sure you know what you want before discussing it with him.

Southern Sage says: Well it depends on what you want. If you want a relationship and he does not then you are fishin in the wrong pond it seems. Talk to him about it. Ask. If ain't in then know its only for sex. Go when you want him to hit it, get dressed and leave. His perfect scenario is for you to like him a lot and him to be disconnected. Then he can hit it whenever he wants and he can always say "hey I told you this was just about sex."

It would seem to me though that most relationships start with either or both parties not looking for a long term relationship. So it has to start somewhere. I might not usually start yelling "go big Daddy" but some do. So it can go from booty call to love and such.

Good luck.

Sounds to me like he's politely trying to tell you that he's interested in you for an occasional booty call/friends-with-benefits kind of thing. Maybe you're reading too much into the pillow talk? I know you said that his friend said otherwise, but his actions speak louder than his friends words, it seems like.

You say that he's a co-worker but also that he's 2 hrs away. Different offices within the same company? I wonder if the idea of a long-distance relationship isn't what he's looking for and all of this is a cover story.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

It's simple, though I'm afraid it's not the answer you want to hear...he doesn't want a relationship. The conversations could be great and he could make gestures that seem like it's moving towards a relationship, but he told you where he stands. You might be trying to tell yourself that he'll change his mind the more time you spend together and the more you open yourself up to him. But it's unlikely that this is the case. Don't read into him saying he's "not relationship material" or that he "doesn't have time" for a relationship as wishy-washy indicators that he might. Unfortunately, he doesn't.

The fact that he told you this near the beginning rather than hiding it and stringing you along shows his character, which probably makes this all the more difficult for you. It sounds like you're already pretty emotionally invested in him, so please be careful. The worst thing you can do here is to think that you're going to be able to change his mind.

I gotta say that I've been there before...I used to be "that guy" who didn't want a relationship but still loved certain aspects of a relationship.

I wish I could adequately explain why, but looking back I guess I was just immature...that whole "cake & eat it" thing.

This guy likes you...I don't think anybody will really argue that point. I mean, I can't imagine opening myself up too much at all to any of the one-night stands I had back in my 20's, but every once in awhile there was someone I wanted to be with more than just once that I ended up talking to more than others.

Here's the thing: if he's a bit younger and has already been "snipped", then he's really REALLY not looking for anything more at this point. So I guess if you're willing to be "that woman", then I'd say continue to do whatever makes you happy.

Something else may happen or it may not...just don't hold out hope that it will. Enjoy things for what they are and then let the universe guide you.


Joanna Cake said...

I like what Canadian Bald Guy said - he even nicked my tag :)

Ruf kept on telling me that he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship with me because I was married. I want a proper girlfriend, he kept saying. But he kept on coming back because we both knew how good we were together.

It started off as a booty call for both of us but developed into something bigger than we could ever have imagined.

However, there was always complete honesty. I knew that he wasn't sure but we worked through it by talking about it. You have to keep communicating but enjoying the sex at the same time. Invest what you want into the relationship but be aware that he might just decide he wants someone else so, if you find a better offer in the meantime, then you can take that too.

Joanna 'Having My Cake and Eating It Too' Cake x

dadshouse said...

Sorry I didn't get my answer in. I'm a single dad, and I've had lovers. I have never promoted any of them to girlfriend status, though some of them wanted things to become heavier between us. I'm guessing your guy doesn't want more, else he'd be asking for it.

Anonymous said...

Excellent answers guys.

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