Friday, March 26, 2010

Dr. CBG: Guys…what NOT to do.

Call me Dr. CBG.

And today, I have scoured the internet looking for love tips for you, the men of the Blogosphere. What I've come up with is ten sure-fire tips for guys on things NOT to do.

Trust me…you'll thank me later:

  1. Don't commit to a relationship too quickly. Men sometimes have the tendency to make a big deal out of first dates that they enjoy, so if you do that then your potential partner might feel pressured and thus create discomfort and uneasiness. Man, if I had a nickel for every woman I've made uneasy...
  2. Don't never commit to anything. Dudes, my poor grammatical skills aside, if you can't make some type of commitment then your potential partner may feel like there's no hope for a future. Smarten-up. Not every woman wants a booty-call.
  3. Brush your teeth. C'mon guys…no woman wants to kiss a guy with skunk breath. Keep a piece of gum or a mint handy. Jeez…have a bit of class, ya skunky bastard.
  4. Stop showing off. Sure, if I had a million dollars I'd probably flaunt it a bit…but women don't want to hear all about your yacht or your abs or your big-ass bank account. The bald middle-aged pudgy white guy sitting at the next table over-hearing your stories don't want to hear your stories, either. Just STFU.
  5. Women don't like farting. Well…most women, anyway. So stop it. And don't tell fart jokes, either. What's the matter with you?
  6. Nobody wants to hear about your ex. I know your past relationship sucked. I mean hell…you're single for a reason, right? But guess what, Skippy? That woman you're with doesn't want to hear you bad-mouth your ex. Just STFU (kind of a running theme today). If you're asked, then tell. Just keep it reasonable and don't embellish.
  7. Don't push her head "down below". I hate to burst your bubble, guys…but sex in the bedroom isn't always a real-life porno. If a woman wants to mouth-tackle the twig-n-berries, she'll do it on her own or (better yet) maybe if you ask her nicely.
  8. Ask for f*cking directions! The GPS isn't perfect and you're not on the Amazing Race. Swallow some of that pride and just ask somebody where the hell you're supposed to go.
  9. Soap. Learn it. Spell it. Use it.
  10. Umm…women are allowed to orgasm, too. You'll get your turn; stop being so damn greedy.

So there you have it...your top ten love tips for men. Pretty amazing ground-breaking stuff, right? Well, I'm also available for one-on-one tutoring sessions and bar mitzvahs.

Ladies...any more suggestions?

9 comments:

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Nothing like blatantly obvious tips for men in the morning!

Funny post :)

TentCamper said...

well....I guess I am one of the few who slipped through the cracks...I fart, discuss my ex...and sometimes push her head down.

That aside...I'd also add to the list:
don't criticize a woman's driving or cooking.

Missty said...

LOL. Love the list! Thanks for the morning laugh.

qt_pie1602 said...

My suggestions are number 10, number 10 and NUMBER 10!!!!!

The Pipster said...

Please cut your fingernails. xoxo

Danielle said...

And talk about things other than your self through the whole date. Ask us a question or two!

T said...

Love this!!

And I wholeheartedly agree on the fingernails thing, Pippi!

Not a soccer mom said...

Interesting to see that men make first date mistakes too..
Oh and never hurts to ask for directions... 'down below' too.
Then you may not HAVE to push her head down. Just sayin

Joanna Cake said...

Ruf farts a lot and he sometimes pushes my head down.

However, this means that I can retaliate in both areas :)

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