I’m a divorced dad on the dating scene, and I’ve had some fabulous dates in the past few months, full of romantic compatibility with new women who have ventured into my life. Dinner, drinks, hikes, sexy text messages, movies. A few of these dates ended with hot moments on the couch, some even in bed.
Before you let out a big “woo-hoo!” (since you all are my personal cheering section when it comes to me “getting some”), let me point out that most of these women did everything BUT facilitate a happy ending. (Yes, I mean that kind of happy ending.)
Occam’s razor would say it’s something about me – I’m giving off the wrong vibe, I’m making them feel uncomfortable, I'm too old, my Most Wanted poster is finally up in the local Post Office.
Sorry, but I think Occam got this one wrong. Most of these women like me and want to keep dating me. They are more than willing to fool around. They just don’t want me to enjoy that happy ending – unless it comes with the strings of a relationship.
Now then, before you say “of course they should hold out for a relationship”, can I ask with a show of hands how many wives in married couples pull this same sort of stunt? The “not tonight I have a headache” routine is as old as time, and I have to believe actual headaches aren't always involved.
I’m guessing there are at least a few women who dole out happy endings only when their man has done everything she wants him to do. For some women, it’s a form of control. (I wonder if the Jon and Kate divorce got started over something like this. You never know.)(And before I start a Mars/Venus war here, I am saying "some" women, not all or even most. I generally hate generalizations.)
For this single dad on the dating scene, withholding a happy ending has the opposite effect. If I had a great third date with a woman, and we’re both willing to get hot and heavy on the couch, and she lets things go all the way up to that ecstatic tantric moment of bliss, then suddenly brakes to a complete stop – I’m thinking there are some relationship security or control issues going on.
These women can have their string-laden relationships. I’ll keep looking for a happy ending that leads to a wonderful new start.
46 comments:
There are a whole lot of reasons why women may not want you to have your happy ending... not the least of which is that you seem to expect that they are going to put out just because it happens to be a 3rd date.
Everyone moves at their own speed and in their own comfort zone. A lot of women withold sex, not as a form of control, but as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from guys who are simply out there for a roll in the hay. It's amazing how many guys will put on a great show for 3 dates, and then turn into assholes.
Perhaps if you aren't getting any by the third date, you should focus more on the woman and less on the happy ending. Or if you're just looking for the happy ending, try Craig's List. There are escorts out ther that are likely to cost less than 3 nice dates, and your happy ending is guaranteed.
I know as a single mom I worry sometimes that the gentleman may read too much into that "happy ending". Sometimes a woman just wants a "happy ending" and no more. Some men assume that we all want more with our "happy endings" therefore they start acting wierd or distant after that enjoyable evening(or day which ever you perfer. You have to look at each situation seperately to really know what is happening(is it you or the woman?)
Perhaps you should play hard to get. Its kind of like a cat. The more you want to pet and rub the cat, the more the cat ignores you. But if you ignore the cat, the cat starts rubbing all over your leg.
Also, perhaps your eagerness for a Happy Ending is showing and reading as desperation for these ladies.
What you need is a F*** buddy that you can get some with, who does not want a relationship so you can go out on dates with relationship chicks in peace.
I have to agree there are control issues here. If they are willing to get hot and heavy, but stop there, they are sending mixed signals.
You need to start dating whores. You'll get your happy ending and you don't even have to buy them dinner.
Me, personally, I think you're right.
I'm one of those women.
I have had guys use me for purely physical reasons, implying and insinuating and acting like they wanted a relationship--knowing full well that I wanted nothing less--and then once they get what they want, they disappear.
It's quite possible that the woman IS holding out in hopes of a relationship because, to be honest, why should she waste her time and her body on someone who is only pretending to want the same thing. Not saying that's what you're doing at all, but I'm saying she could be of the same mind as me. It's not that she's necessarily trying to control you or pressure you, but it could be that she's trying to spare her dignity and self-respect from further damage.
I, personally, have made the choice--because of men like that--that I won't have sex again unless I get married. It's old-fashioned and will be extremely hard to do, but it's what I need to do for me because I don't think I could deal with being treated like another warm body again.
This is something that separates the men from the boys. Men know that if they're only wanting physical, to make it known and find a woman who wants the same. Boys like to pretend they want whatever the woman wants as long as it results in their "Happy Ending", nevermind what it does to the woman who was just used.
Sorry, I'll stop here.
What about a MUTUAL happy ending? I'd rather wait for that than have some guy expect me to get him off on date three just because we fooled around a bit. Women don't call it blue balls, but getting aroused and not finishing is tough for us too. Very.
I'm not one who's usually ready for sex by date three anyway - even though I may want it physically. It's hard to put the breaks on when you want it, for BOTH sexes. Call me old fashioned but I like to get to know the guy first and feel like I'm more than a sexual conquest. The best things in life are worth waiting for David.
while it seems a little out of character...I find you are far too focused on it being YOUR "happy ending"...and not a mutually beneficial event.
Not wanting to go all the way to that ecstatic moment the first time things get hot and heavy on the couch doesn't mean she is controlling or string-demanding.
Women do imprint on their sexual partners differently than men. So...making sure they really want to connect in that manner is a wise move.
At my age (and stage of life) I'm not interested in being another notch...or in one time only "happy endings." If I'm rolling around on the couch, I'm looking for a "happy ending" as well. If I want to wait for a fourth or fifth encounter...doesn't mean I'm holding out for nefarious reasons.
and a "happy ending" is one of the best known remedies for headaches...
Bah. How much more selfish can you GET? Please. Are you really all that, that you think all women should put out on Date Three? You must think we are all skanks. And I personally find the idea of fuck friends or FWBs distasteful and a definite losing game for both parties. I "get" that a lot of people can do that and be just fine, but I think it is just a fancy name for prostitution. And I for one would run the other way from guys like you who have no problem at all trying to find the happy ending, so to speak, with multiple partners; I think it cheapens sex, and I also think that in the scenarios you described, that it is clear you are the one with serious commitment and control issues.
The thing is, I understand rationally that women and men both are capable of looking at sex with the same view as a good meal; tasty, filling, both parties leave the meal sated and don't need to sneak into the kitchen for late night snack and conversation. I GET that, I truly do. And if both parties are willing to simply screw for hte sake of screwing, good for them. In my opinion, and this doesn't come from some ultra-conservative standpoint, either-it isn't right for you to assume that all women have control issues or are dying to be in a relationship with you (again, are you all that? Really? You are such a player!) simply because they deserve more than a quick (or not so quick) roll in the hay. The whole idea doesn't gel with me.
If you ARE only interested in that happy ending, then maybe you are looking at the wrong kind of women; cheap ass hoes are easy to find.
wow...the women got pretty long winded with this one...maybe some sort of denial or guilt thing going on.
Anyway...I understand exactly what you are saying. My thoughts would be for you to date, enjoy the women, but NOT go to the couch or bed...they will want it more. But at the same time...ya gotta 'nut' sometimes, so maybe ASM is right and youneed to find a FB to satisfy those things. (or some good porn and a Jenna Jameson doll from Eden Fantasys.)
Wow, you are getting flamed up like chicken at a BBQ.
I gotta agree with some of the comments, your tone sounds very selfish. I honestly don't think you are a selfish person but if you are dating "relationship material" you do need to change your approach. If you want a LTR and so do these women, there is nothing wrong with holding out and if they feel remotely pressured to move faster than they want, they are completely RIGHT to bail out.
You can't really compare this experience to sex within marriage. I don't think its a control thing, appears to me these women are trying to protect themselves. Its not a carrot and stick. Honestly I am all for doing whatever works for both parties in the bedroom but your post comes off as if you don't really care about any of them, so why would they care if you got off?
Side note: my two best, longest relationships were men I slept with on the first date. I think when you click and the chemistry is intense, there is no holding back. I worried later it was the wrong thing to do but turned out my instincts were right.
A lot of different opinions here, so I can only offer my additional opinion.
Maybe some of those women simply can't give you the happy ending because they are nervous or they're not able to orgasm ? If that's the case, those women deserve a little time and patience.
I believe that women should wait until they feel comfortable with the man and only have sex when they're ready. Each at her own pace.
But I don't believe women should hold out like you're describing. Either sleep with a man or don't, but once a woman decides to get intimate, we should give it our all in the performance.
Holding out in hopes of a relationship when it's clear you're there for sex is stupid. Men can't be manipulated into a relationship. And in a marriage I imagine withholding the passion just builds resentment over time.
Now go and venture out in search of your happy ending, my friend !
I've been married for over a decade now, so I don't know what kind of advice I can give for dating ladies like that.
However, I will say that if I'm not happy with my man then I'm not going to be in the mood for a happy ending. Period. It's not about controlling him, but he's got to make me happy before I make him happy too.
Of course, this might have nothing to do with those frigid biotches you are dating. :o)
Ohforfucksake.
First of all, when women pull the "Not tonight I have a headache" stunt, what they really mean is "Not tonight 'cause I'm all fucked up in the head." We all know that sex is the best thing for a headache.
Secondly, I'm not sure what you mean by "happy ending." Your link seems to imply that you're not getting any blow jobs or hand jobs. ;)
At any rate, most people are confused about what constitutes a happy ending, regardless of the definition.
I agree that MANY women use sex as a tool to get their own way. Or to simply get some consideration. Either way, it's not a tool that is made for that so it fast becomes ill-applied and quite destructive.
Men go on and on and on about their sexual needs and then they go on and on and on about how they gotta find a woman or women to meet that need. Using women as tools to satisfy that need is just as much a travesty as the poor usage mentioned above.
So we're all fucked up. Now what?
Just do what you want and have fun. And try not to hurt anyone while you're at it.
And ladies ~ remember to give your man a blow job regularly because if you don't, someone will. :)
Ha - I'm loving the comments. I take none of it personally, since you don't know all the details. But the astute reader will note that I said some of these women ended up in bed, and some did "EVERYTHING BUT" give me the happy ending. Read everything into that - including her getting her big fat orgasm.
Does that change the picture a bit? I don't see it as me being selfish here. These women are getting off, and not returning the favor.
Also know that I'm not some teenage boy trying to get my rocks off in the front seat of a car. I'm a middle aged man going on adult dates - dinner, drinks, etc. Some of these dates were the third time we'd fooled around. Some of these women spent the entire night. Some of them invited me into the tangle of sexual positions. I'm night on some timetable saying "it's date 3 - put out, or get out."
Blue balls are a miserable thing.
I mean, "I'm not on a some timetable."
And by "happy ending", I simply meant orgasm.
And I agree, it's most fun when both the man and woman release at the same time. That's why I post about tantra. Women are not tools. But for a woman to get off without getting her man off... Like I said, blue balls are miserable, and that smacks of games.
It must be because I'm an old broad and don't need a baby daddy or want more babies. I want the happy ending all the time and strings, never!
Wow. Very interesting post and comments...
I was first thinking that it was a trust thing. Some women may not want to have sex at that point because they know that men change after sex.
But now you're saying that these women went all the way, except for you having an orgasm?
Hmmm... that's weird. Maybe they don't want to get messy? Maybe they're afraid of STDs. Maybe they're afraid of pregnancy. Maybe they think that if they keep you holding on, you'll continue the pursuit.
Who knows? But the fact that it is happening over and over again?
There's only one thing in common there.
For whatever THAT'S worth.
Who knows?
Here's what women gotta know and sometimes don't seem to understand. Revving up a guy's sex drive is like pushing a big, heavy boulder down a hill. Once you start, it's very difficult to stop. We can't help it, we're just wired that way.
I think T makes an interesting point. This isn't something that I've heard a lot of men complain about, really, although I honestly haven't had this conversation with many guys. I would LOVE to hear some men weighing in on this one as well, to hear if they've had similar experiences.
I have to admit that this has happened to me once... maybe 2 times at the most. Both times it was with someone I had experienced a happy ending with previously. Can I just say there was no recovery for them in my cell phone. They were immediately deleted from my contacts.
You're right.. there are other issues that I don't want to find out about if she holds the happy ending. Why go through the motions without a happy ending?
There is something to be said for a F*** Buddy... no strings.. happy endings on each others terms.. no committment.
My "fb" and I were very happy for 6 yrs.. we didnt do anything together outside the bedroom
Long story short.. if your not looking for the strings attatched.. commitment.. then you just need a "fb"
There are single women out there, espcecially independant, financially secure single Mom's who just want their own Happy Ending.. and no strings attatched..
I know.. Im one :)
I posted this on your site, but after reading the comments here I may still be confused.
Well, now I even agree more knowing that you meant orgasm. Who has sex and doesn’t want the partner to finish. I have never heard of such crap. Totaly a control move. I would dump that person immediatly. When you are comfortable enough with someone to have penetration, make it worth coming back.
Seriously, people do that?????????
Are these women having sex with you and stopping before your "Happy Ending" or are you just fooling around and they don't have sex with you.
Oh, I must be an idiot not to figure this one out.
Love all the comments though.
Who made up the 3rd date rule? I'd never be ready for that by the 3rd date. A little hot and heavy couch action only makes the sex better down the road. Besides, if you are really good at the making out, the woman will be thinking about how good you are in the sack anyway.
I love Daddy Geek Boy's analogy of a boulder rolling down a hill. Maybe that's the difference here. Some women are able to get sexually revved up, then put the brakes on, perhaps saying "things are moving too fast." It's harder for men to stop once the sexual volcano is rising.
I should point out that two different women slept over in my bed - and didn't allow things to progress to a tantric completion, by any means. (Sorry, I hate spilling gory details out plainly. You'll have to read between the lines a bit.)
These dates happened over the course of the past several months, in a serially monogomous fashion, in the course of pursuing committed dating relationships.
Please, if you get off, it's just good manners to return the favor.. If you don't want to, then excuse yourself before you let him slide his hand inside your panties!!! Sheeesh..
Anyway, watching a guy achieve his 'happy ending' is terribly satisfying.. And even a little bit of a power trip.. :):)
Um, did I tell too much???
Yes, now that we know a little more it does change my response. I don't think a woman should be "doing everything but", getting off and NOT return the favor. That's just rude.
Where do you find these women? It's like you are dating a bunch of shrimp eaters. You are right for letting them go.
You need to visualize and follow threw my man.
I think this is pretty rare. If I'm having sex why wouldn't I want the guy to have a happy ending too? And hey, men used to do this all the time. Still do if you ask your friends who've been married a long time. Hmmm, and married women tend to stop wanting sex? There's more to that story.
great comments that are all over the board on this one! Good post... got everyone talkin'...
I don't know what to say as it really depends on more details... LOL! Maybe they are confused... maybe not the right women... maybe the right women... maybe you are confused...
ya got me.... When I was dating, I found men to be in all different stages of what they were looking for.
It's a great big puzzle out there... you will find the right one... I could usually tell up front what my date was looking for. I guess maybe spend more time getting to know them via email or text. If they are fun when emailing, phone, text, you'll know what you'll get before you get there.
I think I confused myself with my own comment!
Ok, couple of quick questions. These may seem a little immature or basic, but I sometimes find that we (or at least I) have a tendency to overcomplicate things.
First off, are you certain you're not being "too nice" about letting them know that you haven't had/would like that happy ending? Perhaps gently guiding a hand to well... the not yet happy part. Secondly, what is their sexual history? Depending on how long they've been out on the dating scene (again) and how old they were the last time around (or who they were with), maybe they're just not sure what you want, or how to proceed, etc.
Some people don't have particularly extensive experience or have had lousy partners in the past and "hit a wall" at which point they don't quite know how to proceed.
I'm assuming you have enough experience to be able to tell the difference between unwilling and unsure how to proceed, but, like I said, sometimes we overthink things and miss the obvious.
Cjrambling - love your insight! It's possible I was a little too nice and could have guided and encouraged a bit more action. I never pressure a woman into something she doesn't want to do. Still...
It's also possible these women had a "bad girl" history and were trying to be good. That has happened more than a few times with women I've dated.
It's also possible they were incredibly out of practice, and just overwhelmed with it all. Dating in middle age is not for the faint of heart!
Just me... - I like your attitude. Too bad you're not in my neck of the woods. (smile)
OMG...a compliment from a man...it's been so long, I'd forgotten what it felt like. I'm officially going to bed in a good mood tonight haha.
BTW, the insight comes from being one of those women who's too faint-hearted to jump back into the dating pool. I have a huge amount of respect for those who're at least trying...
WOW... cool post wish I would have got in on the action when there WAS action.
I'm all about being selfish. I'd totally be one of those chics that got what she wanted and then told you she all of a sudden had something she needed to get to!
Sounds like you are attracted to teasers. They are awesome to date but they also have some kind of standards. If they are worth dating and don't return the favor... it's not like you can't finish yourself right?
LOL... okay I kid!
I think what advice others have put out there has more than covered what I would have said.
It's always nice to return favors... try just dating, even past the third date without getting in "BED" with them, the wait is almost as good as the actual thing sometime and totally WORTH it.
Let the relationship start and form first and then when you have sex she'll WANT to please you and make your relationship connect even deeper... we LOVE the guy that we are attracted to and like to WANT us more than any other girl... so we WILL make the effort if and when we are ready for it.
Or at least that is the case for me! :)
I love your posts Dadshouse...
I'm a bit late to the party, but I have to agree with a few other folks: Nothing wrong with getting hot-n-heavy while setting a clear no-fly zone. But it's just rude to take and not give back.
I think cjrambling and shell-blok both made excellent points.
I find it interesting that you've found so many women with the same apparent hang-up. Maybe you should think about the "type" you are dating? What is it about these women that is attractive to you? Do they have other traits in common besides this sexual issue?
A while back I had this amazing retrospective epiphany that I actually dated the exact same guy in college about 12 times ... he just had a different face and backstory every time. And there I was wondering why all my relationships felt like deja vu ... until I realized the pattern was all mine.
Good luck. Hope to read more about your forays into dating-dad-dom. I've always been a sucker for happy endings. :)
David - how frustrating! And I know that you always make sure your lovers have happy endings, or at least that's what you've related. Given your recipes for good cooking and fun activities, I am sure they would never leave without a big smile on their faces.
So, to leave you without one is the height of boorishness. But, maybe they are out of practice or timid. Hard to say, although I thought that all disappeared after our high school days.
Holy crap - you know how to get women talking at lengths end by the content of your post - so WHY can't you figure out how to get them to dish out happy endings?
I mean, come on!!
PS... To me, a "Happy Ending" defined by your link is more personal than sexual intercourse... so you mightta got some sex on date 3 but had to wait longer for the happy ending defined your way.
I may be in the minority here...but I'm 48, a professional career woman, single, no children and plenty of dating opportunities (read: fit and attractive) and a few long term relationships over the years...and I was just saying to a friend recently...I'm going to enjoy every single minute while I'm (relatively) young and while I've 'got it goin' on' !! No holding out for me...life is waaay too short especially for women when it comes to sexual attractiveness to men :)
I would be horrified to withhold the happy ending, if things had progressed passed the holding hands/petting stage. EVIL!
Besides, I find that men are more than happy to do things for me once they've gotten to the happy ending.
Who are these women?
Hmmmm. Well I've been married an eternity, and I still don't understand women who withold sex. Aren't they just making themselves suffer too? Now women on a 3rd date I can't really comment on, because I assume they are doing some sort of holding out so the guy doesn't assume they are easy? I dunno. I was always looking for my happy ending to tell the truth, and it's usually pretty damn well linked with his!
hmm I can't really say much for the whole single dating thing, or how I would be in that situation. I've been married too long. ;) My libido has had it's ups and downs over the years but seriously, I don't think I have ever once said I had a headache. If I am tired? I am tired. Honestly though, I want my happy ending too! Maybe more than the hubby does sometimes. I don't get too tired very often. lol
I think @Another Suburban Mom nails it on the head, flip the entire thing in your favor by acting like you could care less.
I can see being irritated if SHE came but didn't return the favor.
However, if you're talking about starting to fool around and then stopping before sex, that should be totally OK. What happened to working your way through the bases?
I find your comments to be so presumptuous about these women! How can you hope to know someone well enough on the 3rd date to presume that they're a control freak or have other big issues? Also how can you expect to have sex on the 3rd date? Did you communicate your expectations? Did you ask about hers?
Maybe they started fooling around and discovered they just weren't turned on!
Regarding presumptuous comments - I think anything anyone says about anyone else is presumptuous, including the preceeding comment by anonymous toward me. After all, no one knows what anyone else has been through. We all color the world with our own unique perspectives.
Some of the comments here are inspiring another post from me. Stay tuned...
I usually reach own and have my own happy ending. She won't know until you pop on her leg or belly, sometimes it surprises her but it turns them on in a way that you have to cum all over them, if she doesn't like it the relationship probably wasn't going to work anyway.
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