First a serious warning from the US Health Department:
If you wake up looking like this, you might have Swine Flu.
(I woke up with this chick before I think!)
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. áYou better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby . . . and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"What a shame. And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.
Well there ya go, Friday Funnies!!! I hope y'all sniggered a lil bit. I'm sure I posted @ Sageville to. Y'all have a big ole weekend!
The Boy and the Pine Forest - One day, his parents drove him several hours outside of the city and the place that he knew as home. They passed by meadows, farms and forests on the way t...