The Papa K Home Workout

If you’re like a lot people… you find it hard to make it to the gym every day. Maybe you had to work late. Maybe you had to meet a client after normal working hours. Maybe you ran over a homeless man in your car. Maybe you couldn’t wait any longer to get that sex change operation. Maybe you just urinated in your big boy pants. Maybe you can't afford those high priced "at-home gyms"!

Believe it or not... this one folds up nicely and can be placed in your garage. You'll only have to give up TWO parking spaces!

Or maybe you can't afford to have this chick to scream at you all the time...

Jillian Michaels tells a Biggest Loser contestant to slim down or she will punch her in the necks

Whatever the reason… here are some simple exercises you can do at home to get yourself that body you always wanted... and you don't have to spend ANY MONEY!!!

BUT FIRST... ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO STRETCH

Touch your toes

Jog in place

Pull your face back

Rip your scrotum doing the splits

NOW THAT YOU'RE WARM, AND YOUR SCROTUM IS FOREVER TORN IN TWO... YOU'RE READY TO BEGIN

Push-ups (works your chest, biceps, triceps)

Push yourself up... then let yourself down. Repeat 300 times.

Sit-ups (works your abs)

Sit on the floor with you hands behind your head. Lower yourself to the floor using your abs then back up again. Repeat 5000 times.

Triceps Extension w/ Dog (triceps)

Find a small dog (or one you're able to life above your head), grab in by the front legs and lower behind your head. Slowly extend the dog over your head and *sqeeeeeeeeze* those triceps. Feel the burn. Repeat 800 times.

Bench Press with Pillows (chest)

Find the largest pillow on your couch and press it until you see stars. If you accidentally drop it on your face it won't hurt... because it's a pillow.

Tear a phonebook in half (wrists, forearms)

Tear the largest, fattest phone book you can find IN HALF!!!

... but if you can't... then find something you're more capable of tearing in half... like a page from your wife's day by day calendar.

Blink Hard (eyelids)

Open your eyes as wide as you can... then shut them really hard and fast. This will help you become lightening fast at blinking. Repeat until you cry.

Smell Hard (nose)

Suck in with your nose so hard that you pass out. Then get up and do it again you big pansy.

Couch press (Quads)

Put one end of the couch on your back then slowly squat to the ground and lift yourself back up again. Repeat until you crap your pants.

WARNING: THIS EXERCISE IS DANGEROUS AND COULD RESULT IN YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS ROCKETING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, EARS OR WHATEVER ORIFICE IS CLOSEST!! PLEASE EXERCISE WITH CAUTION!!

Ride your cat (hamstrings, grip)

Ride that buckin' feline until it splits your face in half with its back claws

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Once you're done with these exercises and you heart rate is going at a good steady pace (200-250 beats a minute)... it's always good to cool down. This can be done by putting your hands over your head and walking around for a little bit...

Whew... good workout people...

Or by sticking your ass in the freezer.

This is the part you look forward to for the whole workout people.

Follow these simple exercises with these EVERYDAY ITEMS you have around your house... and with hard work and good genetics... you could just look like Papa K: the gold standard of what every man should look like.

Happy exercises everyone!!

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Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

What Annoys You In The Gym?

In my life I’ve been a member at probably 15 gyms where I’ve run into all different types of people and things that annoy my balls off. Although I might not look it at the moment... I've dedicated a fair amount of my life to the gym so I think that gives me some authority to tell you what annoys me so if we happen to work out together then you won't look like a raging douche.

Here are a few things to keep in mind...

Don't leave a massive amount of weight on a machine after you're done

It never fails that some muscle head ignores the sign that says “Please re-rack your weights” and leaves the 400 lbs they put on the squat machine or bench press for you to take off. I guess they either think they’re too awesome or their muscles have started to push their brains out their ears.

Don't talk all the time and never work out

You go to a gym to work out… not to talk. Granted… I talk too when I go to the gym, but it usually involves a one to two minute time period and I’m on to the next thing. But every gym usually has its proverbial chatterbox who probably gets to a rep every 30 minutes. After about an hour and a half, he (or she) probably works out a total of three minutes. Of all the gym annoyances, they’re probably the least harmless but it still warrants its place on my list.

Don't spit your loogies into the trashcan

This doesn’t always happen in the gym but it’s happens the wide majority of the time. Is it really necessary? You might not want to swallow it but I wish you would please spare the rest of us knowing that some giant phlegm ball is sitting in the trashcan. Hey... the bathroom is right around the corner.



These are by every trashcan in my gym... hypothetically...

Don't get infected with ILS

You may be asking yourself, “What is ILS?” ILS stands for “Imaginary Lat Syndrome”. Your lats (or latissimus dorsi) are essentially your back muscles. You may notice that body builders walk with their arms gravitating away from their body… this is because their lats are huge, they have way too many muscles and as a result can’t walk with their arms directly perpendicular to their sides or wipe their butt.



If you look like this... you do not have ILS. Rather, you have an issue with wiping your butt and I feel sorry for you

If this is what you want… so be it. I’m not going to argue because if this is the case for you then you can probably smash me with your eye lid. What I have a problem with is those much smaller dorks who seem to think they are overflowing with muscles and walk like they’re carrying a watermelon under each arm.

Every gym has one. Don't let it be you.

Don't lift TOO much weight and DON'T use awful form

There are undoubtedly several of these in every gym. Morons who think they can lift more than they actually can and either use horrible form or do a maximum of one repetition until eventually slamming the weights to the floor and look around to see who was watching them complete their world record lift.

Don't be that naked dude invading my space in the locker room

I have to say… this is the one that bothers me the most. Especially at the current gym I work out at where the locker room is the size of a traditional workspace cubicle. Some men have no trepidation in getting completely clothes-less and meander about the locker room as if it was the Garden of Eden. This comes to make me realize how hard it is to actually avoid seeing something I don’t want to see. This will result in me looking at the ceiling or at the floor to drastically lower the chances of accidentally catching an eyeful of something that will scar my memory forever.

Unfortunately, this is sometimes unpreventable. It usually involves just forgetting to be aware because of where you are. Most recently it involved me walking into the locker room and the person who just got done showering was drying their feet with nothing on and might have well just said, "Hey guy... wanna see my balloon knot?". This resulted in a quick throwing up in my mouth.

Don't leave your sweaty leftovers

I’m fortunately not an extreme sweater, but anytime I leave a greasy patch of sweat of a bench… I wipe it off. Some Neanderthals seem to think that the gym is their own personal sweatbox and leave a trail of salty skin water everywhere they go. Gross.

Don't scream

Don't be one of these meatheads that push up weight and feel the need to let everyone in the gym know they’re doing so. This involves an ear piercing “HARUMMMM GAAHHHH” or “PHHHHHHHHFTT DAHHH” or “PWEEEEET WHOOOOAAAH”. I realize sometimes you're in the zone and you let out a little grunt... but keep it to a 500 decibel minimum. If you have to scream at the top of your lungs then just know that I know you’re a stud… now go jump in a pile of elephant excrement to cool yourself off Rambo.

Don't give me advice unless I ask for it

I’ve been working out a long time… and nothing chaps my hide more than some guy who thinks he’s got some advice to give me. Listen here Billy Blanks… if I wanted your advice I would ask you. Now go back to doing your shadow boxing.

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Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.