Dr. CBG: Guys…what NOT to do.

Call me Dr. CBG.

And today, I have scoured the internet looking for love tips for you, the men of the Blogosphere. What I've come up with is ten sure-fire tips for guys on things NOT to do.

Trust me…you'll thank me later:

1. Don't commit to a relationship too quickly. Men sometimes have the tendency to make a big deal out of first dates that they enjoy, so if you do that then your potential partner might feel pressured and thus create discomfort and uneasiness. Man, if I had a nickel for every woman I've made uneasy...
   
2. Don't never commit to anything. Dudes, my poor grammatical skills aside, if you can't make some type of commitment then your potential partner may feel like there's no hope for a future. Smarten-up. Not every woman wants a booty-call.
   
3. Brush your teeth. C'mon guys…no woman wants to kiss a guy with skunk breath. Keep a piece of gum or a mint handy. Jeez…have a bit of class, ya skunky bastard.
   
4. Stop showing off. Sure, if I had a million dollars I'd probably flaunt it a bit…but women don't want to hear all about your yacht or your abs or your big-ass bank account. The bald middle-aged pudgy white guy sitting at the next table over-hearing your stories don't want to hear your stories, either. Just STFU.
   
5. Women don't like farting. Well…most women, anyway. So stop it. And don't tell fart jokes, either. What's the matter with you?
   
6. Nobody wants to hear about your ex. I know your past relationship sucked. I mean hell…you're single for a reason, right? But guess what, Skippy? That woman you're with doesn't want to hear you bad-mouth your ex. Just STFU (kind of a running theme today). If you're asked, then tell. Just keep it reasonable and don't embellish.
   
7. Don't push her head "down below". I hate to burst your bubble, guys…but sex in the bedroom isn't always a real-life porno. If a woman wants to mouth-tackle the twig-n-berries, she'll do it on her own or (better yet) maybe if you ask her nicely.
   
8. Ask for f*cking directions! The GPS isn't perfect and you're not on the Amazing Race. Swallow some of that pride and just ask somebody where the hell you're supposed to go.
   
9. Soap. Learn it. Spell it. Use it.
   
10. Umm…women are allowed to orgasm, too. You'll get your turn; stop being so damn greedy.
    

So there you have it...your top ten love tips for men. Pretty amazing ground-breaking stuff, right? Well, I'm also available for one-on-one tutoring sessions and bar mitzvahs.

Ladies...any more suggestions?

Who Should Take Time Off For A Sick Child?

This post really isn't meant to slam anybody in particular. It's also not designed to come across as cocky or arrogant on my part. I'm simply asking a question that, really, deserve an answer or at least some discussion.

Why don't more dads stay at home when their child is sick? I know the "old school" train of thought is to have the woman stay at home with the child. Even with the "new school" thought process, the single mother is expected to stay at home with their sick child while the father works. I've told my ex-wife that if our son is sick that she doesn't have to be the only one taking time off from work to stay home and take care of him. Now when I mentioned to my co-workers the other morning that I had to take a half-day off to take the "afternoon shift", I got a lot of the same reactions:

"Can you convince MY ex to act like that?"

Now, to me, this just seems like the normal thing to do. Just because the marriage is over doesn't mean the parenting partnership all of a sudden has to end, does it?

And the reactions continued when I mentioned on Twitter that I was home from work to hang out with my sick son.

"You are an awesome dad!"

I just don't understand the reaction. Do the single moms out there in the Blogosphere really have only douchebag deadbeat dads to deal with? When both single parents work and the child has to stay home sick, is it primarily the mom who takes time off?

And if it's the case (and it appears to be), then why is that? Why is the dad's job more important than the mom's job? Does the dad EVER take time off from work when the child is sick?

My ex-wife and I have agreed to do a 50/50 split when our son gets sick. Is this realistic expectation? We think that unless there is a major issue or meeting or situation going on at work, this is something we can both agree to…for now, at least.

So what's the deal, kids? Who takes the time off in YOUR situation? Are there any dads out there who are willing to put their kids ahead of their job? Surely I can't be alone here.

Whattya Mean You Don’t Know Your Age?

My son turned three back in September. Let me just stress right now that he is the apple of my eye and I love him more than words could adequately explain. He has truly changed my life and even though his mom and I are no longer together, I want to continue to be a positive influence in his life as well as a constant…always being around for him.

I say that because I'm about to complain and get some frustrations out, and I really don't want anybody believing that I think any less of my son. He is my world.

Okay…the kid can't talk. He says words from time to time, but they're mumbled or muffled or don't make any sense at all. The Ex and I both believe that he needs tubes in his ears (he sees a specialist later this month) and that the talking will develop ten-fold once he can truly hear and understand exactly what he's saying. His hearing is fine, too…he's already passed hearing tests and seems to know what we tell him most of the time.

When sitting with a picture book, asking him to find objects like turtles and oranges and ducks are a joy because the kid seems to be able to pick out just about anything. It's quite impressive, actually.

But over the weekend we were playing Chutes & Ladders. Obviously, it's a bit of a stretch to get him to understand the concept at this point…but I thought it'd be fun to try. So I'm spinning the little dial and asking him to tell me what number it lands on (it was a 3). He doesn't know. No worries, I think. I tell him and get him to repeat it out loud and we continue to play.

He lands on the same number. He has no idea what it is.

Okay…how about if I count out loud? Maybe he just can't recognize the numbers on a page. Surely he can count to five, right?

"One…two…"

"Eight?"

Sigh.

"No, buddy…there's no eight. How old are you?"

Shrugs.

"Well, you knew your age on your birthday. How old are you, buddy?"

"Eight?"

"No, buddy. One…two…"

Silence.

I was a bit stunned. I really thought that between the babysitter he's with every day and his mom (who has custody) that surely NUMBERS would have entered into the equation at some point. I mean, it's awesome to know colors and I don't expect him to know the alphabet yet (especially where he can't even pronounce words correctly), but why can't he even count to three yet?

Am I expecting too much out of him? Am I expecting too much out of him mom? Should I take it upon myself to be his numeric teacher? I know I shouldn't be frustrated, but am I really out of line by feeling this way?

Explaining Bad Things

My 11-year-old daughter lives a plane ride away. She visited me over the Christmas holidays and we had an amazing time. During her visit, there was an attempted terrorist attack on an airplane that was flying into Detroit. It was extremely difficult attempting to explain how the world had changed in just a few days.

We watched a bit of the news about the event and I tried to explain just what had happened. I tried to explain how carry-on luggage rules had changed because of what this man had done. I tried to explain how her plane was safe because it was just a short plane ride and terrorists normally target larger planes (probably not the best explanation in the world, but I didn’t really know what else to say at the time).

So the question I have is…What should I have said to her?

And it doesn’t stop there. How do you explain the earthquake in Haiti? I mean, you can explain the science of earthquakes and explain that many people but how can you adequately explain the devastation and horror and death? Maybe the question is: should you?

One of the responsibilities of being a parent, especially in a world where EVERYTHING is at a child’s fingertips, is attempting to put all things into a certain frame of reference so that they understand. The real difficulty, I think, is trying to find a happy medium between scaring the crap out of them and making them immune to the world around them.

How do you explain a crazy person who shoots up a military base in Texas? How do you explain the war in Afghanistan? How do you explain how bad the economy is and how people are losing their jobs on a daily basis? How do you explain the situation with NBC, Jay Leno, and Conan O’Brien?

Okay…scratch that last one.

Seriously, though…what do you do to explain the bad things that go on in the world to your children?

maybe its's just me

Just this afternoon, I was sitting around thinking about shit that I have to buy (for me, the kids, pets, etc) and was dreading the multitude of stores that I was going to have to navigate my way through LA traffic to get to. Then I started to think about buying everything online.

I remember when online retail first took off and I watched as consumers apprehensively dove into the realm on Internet retail.

These days, I wonder if it is just me, or if many people hesitate to make online purchases due to the sucky-ass economy. I can’t remember the last thing I bought online…I just don’t any more. I feel much more comfortable being able to touch and feel products before paying for them.

I then looked up some stats on the subject and found that people seem to think that they will spend more online in 2009 than they did in 2008. (Freakish... in my mind.)

Here are my questions for you…

How often do you buy ‘stuff’ online?
What kinds of products do you buy?
Do you have specific online retailers that you usually use?

Who knows…maybe you will kick my ass back into 2009 and get me to re-trust online retail.

English Sucks!!!

This subject makes me absolutely insane at times. Maybe it is my ‘fragile’ mental state …or maybe it is just my longing for simplicity…but what the fuck is up with the English language?

I could go on and on about words that make no sense to me and will most likely have a series of posts on the subject. The first in the series has to do with words such as;
Immature (not mature)
Impossible (not possible)
Inaccurate (not accurate)
Insecure (not secure)
Infertile (not fertile)
Unacceptable (not acceptable)
Unfair (not fair)
Nonsensical (not make sense)
Nonbeliever (not a believer)
Etc.

Can’t they just pick one prefix? I don’t get why there needs to be 4 prefixes that mean exactly the same thing.

How do you rationally explain to a child why these words are different?

Maybe I should just start using the one that makes most sense to me…”UN” and say shit like, “Don’t be so unmature. The reason that you are giving me for why you feel unsecure is unaccurate.”

GGGGRRRRRR………….
10 AM and now I feel like I need a drink.
Someone fix this stupid language!!!!!!!!

Kids, Immagination and Yoda

Am I the only one who thinks that imaginary friends are an odd fucking thing?

I have come to find out that I live in a house with 3 girls and 1 (really sexy) woman who all have or had imaginary friends.

We talked about it at dinner tonight and I could not be convinced that having imaginary friends was a normal, everyday thing. I was bombarded with fun little chatter about everyone’s ‘friends’…including the chickens that lived in one’s eyes…who even had a slide, the little boy Charlie who had to go everywhere with them and even had to have plates of food prepared and set out for him, the hand/finger elephant that would play for hours on end, and yes, the group of stuffed animals and dolls that were actually alive and talked…but only one person could hear them….

I proceeded to say that I never had an imaginary friend, played with dolls, talked to my hand or any stuffed creatures that resided in my room. Along with all of that…I do not recall any of my 5 brothers and sisters having any of the above either. The closest I think I came was pretending that I was Yoda and trying to move shit 'with the force.'

Their response…almost simultaneously was…”you are no fun…lighten up!”

Maybe my thoughts have something to do with my mother being a child psychotherapist…me majoring in psychology or the numerous movies and TV shows that I’ve seen where the kids with those imaginary friends pick up an axe or flame thrower…or some shit like that and kill everyone who can’t hear their friend.

Any of you have thoughts on this subject?

I will start this post by saying …”not that I do”, but what do you all think about men who name their…package, johnson, manhood…whatever. I don’t mean names like that….more like, “Mr. Mighty”, “Sammy the Snake”, “Big Bob”, “Dong Juan” etc.

I will admit that BACK in the day…I may have had a name or two for my “instrument panel” but not these days.

I don’t really know why this popped into my head…and I really don’t think that it matters…It did so I write.

For the guys out there…do you have names?
For the women…
What do you think of guys who name their privates?
What is the best or worst name that you’ve ‘encountered’?

Oh…also do women name their…womanhood?

Ask the Hot Dads - Week 3 update

The Hot Dads have enjoyed dropping our science on you for the past few weeks. You worked us hard, so this week let's just say we're in our refractory period. We'll be back next week with fresh knowledge all cooked up for you.

While we wait this is your chance to tell us what you wanna know. We fear no subject. We will answer anything and rock your world doing it. Relationship questions? Take a peek into the minds of guys. Want to know something specific about the Hot Dads? We're here for you. Go ahead...you know you want to.

The Talk

OK, not that talk, but one of those talks that makes parents nervous. Or at least it did for me.

I was sitting at the dining room table Saturday evening, going through the days mail and chatting with Veronica as she was making dinner. The big headline of a weekly newspaper I subscribe to was "The Army is Killing Itself: More soldiers committed suicide last month than died in combat. Is op tempo breaking the Army?"

Darling boy sees this and asks "What's suicide, dad?"

Crap....

He's 8 yrs old and is not totally naive to the concept of death. When my grandmother passed away 2 years ago we explained what happened (hell, the woman was 99 1/2 yrs old, if anyone has ever died of plain old age, it was her!) and he came to the wake and funeral with me.

But how do you explain someone killing themselves to a child?

I turn to Veronica, point to the headline, and tell her that he's asking about this story. "Do you think he's ready to hear about that?" Because you know I wasn't delving into this topic without Veronica having my back!

DB is pretty good about accepting it when we say "That's grown up stuff" or "Ask us again in a few years" when we feel that he is too young for his inquiries. So I could have taken the easy way out. But not this time.

I told him that some people, because they are in so much physical or emotional pain that they think that they would rather be dead than go on living as they are. And I emphasized that this is a very sad situation, sadder than he could imagine.

While he understands that we are at war in Iraq and Afghanistan, he hadn't fully wrapped his brain around the idea that the enemy wants to kill us and sometimes succeeds, so I had to talk about that as well. On a positive note, now I have something to start with when I explain Memorial Day to him.

Short, simple, and to the point. He understood, and was sad for a few minutes, but was okay after that.

Anyone else ever have to deal with the questions of suicide and/or war? If so, how did you handle it? I'm satisfied with how I responded, but I'm curious about other experiences.