Colt, Football, Texas, The SEC, Roll Tide

Colt, my buddy Colt. Seems you were the QB of the #2 ranked team in the nation last night until the first time you got hit.



Well Colt in the SEC we play tackle football! Damn man you let the whole state down. What kind of football do they play in the tiny 10 or the sissy SW conference or whatever poor assed conference you play the season in? Do they play flag or touch football in Texas? They must, maybe powder puff! Yeah you should thrive there.

I get hit harder than that by my kids. If you don't grow a set and get a lot tougher the NFL will stand for "Not For Long" for you. There are an ass load of SEC players in the NFL. They seem to be a lot tougher in the South East than they are in your part of town.



I don't know about everyone else watching but you sure didn't do much for your image with me. I can't imagine anyone ever rooting for a team you play for ever. You laid down it looked like to me. One hit, you took one hit. Then you came out after the game and talked to camera, under your own power. Dood some advice from me.

If I was the all mighty and powerful QB of the mighty burnt Orange Long horns and I was the Heisman hopeful and all that they would have carried me off in an ambulance, or they would have carried me back to the sidelines in a body cast or I would have cowboy'd up and played, like a man. I can guarantee you this Colt, Tebow would have played. He would have played hurt, if his arm tingled a little bit he would have played. If he couldn't feel his arm he would have played one armed. I always hear about how good football is in Tx but you didn't do diddly for that image last night.

I keep hearing about your stats. How did you compile all those stats Colt? Against who? Being knocked out of the Championship game with that little pat makes me tend to think that you were playing some damn easy competition. It looks like your stats would have read pretty much 00000000 had you played in the SEC or anything other than patsy teams. Stats smats, thats what I now say about yours. In the no hit the QB conference what do stats count for anyway?

Yeah you are going to get the money and I'm envious, I am. It doesn't bother me and I hope you get a damn bunch of it. I don't wish you ill in the future either. I won't be rooting for you but I don't wish you any ill will.

Well Colt next time take some more advice from me, get your trapper keeper Colty.

Cowboy up.
Nike.
putcher big girl panties on.
strap it on.
Pull your jock strap up tight.

Be a man.

Sage is out.

Sports Talk

Baseball season has started again. I know this not because I’m a fan of the game, but because my Red Sox obsessed friends suddenly started mentioning it in their Facebook status updates. Thus begins another sports season, which means all summer there will be conversations in which I cannot participate.

I was not born with the sports gene. I was never a strong athlete as a kid, and the shame of being a boy who’s not good at sports pretty much sucked all of the interest in them from me like a dry sponge in a bathtub of water. Now that I’m an adult male, and thankfully not measured by my athletic abilities, or lack thereof, I’ve come to respect sports and even like them somewhat. At least I like the competitive aspect of them. But since I’ve spent the majority of my life actively avoiding things that require you to buy equipment and keep score (video games excepted), I know very little about them. Sure, I know the basic rules to most of the major games, but I’m lost when it comes to players and stats—the two factors that make up 99.67% of sports talk.

It’s too daunting a task to try to get up to speed on a particular sport, which would be like trying to learn how to speak a new language or play an instrument. It would take a frustratingly long time and suck up the remainder of my rare and precious free time. Besides, my brain is already filled with movie trivia and Simpsons quotes, I'm not sure if I can add anything else without running the risk of losing important information like my wife's birthday or my social security number. I’ve tried to join betting pools, thinking that if I have money on the line, I’ll be motivated to study. Turns out that me joining a pool is the equivalent of walking up to a stranger on the street and handing them a wad of cash.

Because I’m ignorant about sports, I’m left out of a lot of conversations. Get a bunch of guys together and sports is guaranteed to come up at some point. When this happens, I’m left ignorantly nodding my head, trying to keep up with the barrage of facts and figures that have no relevance for me in the slightest.

It’s worse in one-on-one situations. A guy will never ask another guy, “Do you like sports?” The sports assumption is always made with questions like, “What sports do you follow?” or, “Who’s your team?” or the trickiest query, “What did you think of the game last night?” When faced with one of these questions, my admission of my non-sports status is usually met with a puzzled and disapproving look that says, “Why don’t you go stand in the corner and knit a sweater or something?”

When in my office, guys don’t understand that the picture on my desk of the Bean wearing a football jersey and holding a beer and a remote is a joke. They view it as an invitation to talk sports. The subsequent explanation about the picture is both wordy and uninteresting. It’s hard to explain irony.

I secretly hope that my kids get into sports, so that I will be forced to bone up in order to better communicate with them. However, growing up under my roof it’s more likely that my kids will watch Bugs Bunny than baseball.

So as this summer’s barbeque season approaches, I know that I will find myself at a party, drifting from one sports conversation to the next, until I inevitably wander over to a group of women who are talking about TV.

However, I don’t watch “American Idol” either.

-DGB

March Madness

This evening we decided to order pizza for dinner and are watching Pardon The Interruption while we eat.

[Quick aside: At 5:30 I can say to Darling Boy "It's Mike and Tony time!" and he knows to change to channel to ESPN. He's well trained!]

But then during the show DB remarks "What's March Madness?"

Excuse me? What's March Madness? Young man, I should...

Oh, wait, never mind. It dawns on me that it's MY responsibility to teach him about all things sports. And I have failed, failed! in that responsibility if he doesn't know what March Madness is. He picks NFL games with us, loves Penn State athletics (my alma mater...) and is not afraid to admit to being a Yankees fan in the heart of Red Sox Nation. But to not know what March Madness is? Unforgivable!

[Every year Veronica and I print out our brackets and go head-to-head. The stakes? Sexual favors, of course!!]

This year DB will be joining us in picking brackets. Though if his tendency when it comes to picking NFL games continues, she and I won't have to worry about him beating either of us. He generally goes with which ever team name sounds tougher or meaner. Hence, the Dolphins will never win and the Lions will never loss. Yeah, I know, let's not go there....

Of course, given how little Veronica knows about college basketball and she bases her picks on which school she would rather go to, I guess I shouldn't be complaining!

He and I have some serious man-time ahead of us.

Selection Sunday is March 15th and the first round, excluding the 1 game play-in for the 64th seed, starts March 19th, in case you didn't already know...