At what age can I know this isn't a coincidence?

While reading a bedtime story to my kids, I heard a sucking sound coming from the general vicinity of my 5-year-old son D-. Since he has been known to occasionally nearly destroy clothing and sheets by sucking or chewing on them, I was all over it.

Me: Were you just sucking on your sheet?

D- (innocently): No.

Me: How about your pajamas?

D-: No.

Me: Were you sucking on any of your stuffed animals?

D-: No.

Me: How about your fingers?

D- (short pause, then either coming clean or going for gold in expressing his opinion): ...Yeah-- this one.

Guess which finger he held up to me?

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You may also enjoy my previous D- conversations, (3 YO daughter) M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Posted by LiteralDan

Victoria's open secret

The following is a 100%-authentic conversation with my 2-year-old daughter M- that my wife (J-) and sister recently endured when they were unfortunate enough to end up in Victoria's Secret with her:

M- (loudly, while pointing at some mannequins, scandalized): Why can you see their bummies?!

J- (vainly encouraging her to take the volume down a few notches): ...Because the store wants to show you what all the different underwear looks like when you wear it.

M- (thinking): Ohhh. ... (now excited AND loud) You can see their vaginas! Why can you see their vaginas??!

J- (dumbfounded, and probably blushing due to the increasing attention and laughter): No, no M-, you can't.

M- (mercifully letting that one go as she looks around more): Hey, they have no heads, but they have boobs!* Why don't they have heads?!?

J- (skipping a chance for some biting social commentary): Well... 'cause you don't need to see their heads for underwear and bras. Their heads don't matter for that.

M-: Ummm, okay, but when I get big and buy a bra, can I still have my head?

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* I have no idea where she learned this word, but hopefully it doesn't become her new favorite for random shouting.

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You may also enjoy my previous M- conversations, (5 YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Posted by LiteralDan

Is Sharing Caring?

How much do you want to share of yourself when your kids grow up? A generation ago, this question would have probably been irrelevant. The lines between parents and children were a lot more defined. But in this touchier, feelier age in which we live, parents are friendlier and closer with their offspring. Add to that the transparency of social media and blogging, and it becomes seemingly harder to stay opaque. So when it comes time that your kids are going to start to get into the same kind of trouble that you did, stare down the same demons, what are you going to say?

I’m a long way from this, but I think about it a lot. I’m fairly confident that my parents, especially my dad, had their share of shenanigans growing up. Yet when it came to the inevitable talks about using substances or sex or any of the other things that keep parents of teens up a night, my folks never shared anecdotes. That was probably for the best. When it comes to learning about your parents, there are many things better left unsaid.

As for me, I was not a real troublemaker, but I was no angel either. Let's just put it this way, I'm really glad there was no such thing as Twitter when I was in college. As per usual, my teenage years included lapses in judgment that sometimes resulted in trashcans filled with puke or walks of shame (every once in a while, both).

At the end of the day, I don’t think my kids need to know everything about me. Just like I don’t know everything about my parents. I love my kids, but they are not my friends. Even though I call my son "buddy" all of the time, he is my child. Knowing the trouble I got in to, or narrowly avoided, would probably give him license to do the same things. Right?

What say you? Do you acknowledge your past in the present?

Kids, Immagination and Yoda

Am I the only one who thinks that imaginary friends are an odd fucking thing?

I have come to find out that I live in a house with 3 girls and 1 (really sexy) woman who all have or had imaginary friends.

We talked about it at dinner tonight and I could not be convinced that having imaginary friends was a normal, everyday thing. I was bombarded with fun little chatter about everyone’s ‘friends’…including the chickens that lived in one’s eyes…who even had a slide, the little boy Charlie who had to go everywhere with them and even had to have plates of food prepared and set out for him, the hand/finger elephant that would play for hours on end, and yes, the group of stuffed animals and dolls that were actually alive and talked…but only one person could hear them….

I proceeded to say that I never had an imaginary friend, played with dolls, talked to my hand or any stuffed creatures that resided in my room. Along with all of that…I do not recall any of my 5 brothers and sisters having any of the above either. The closest I think I came was pretending that I was Yoda and trying to move shit 'with the force.'

Their response…almost simultaneously was…”you are no fun…lighten up!”

Maybe my thoughts have something to do with my mother being a child psychotherapist…me majoring in psychology or the numerous movies and TV shows that I’ve seen where the kids with those imaginary friends pick up an axe or flame thrower…or some shit like that and kill everyone who can’t hear their friend.

Any of you have thoughts on this subject?

What the heck is a lag?

I am not only amazed at the speed in which pre-teens can speak, but my ability to think I understand what they are saying…and being way off base.

Driving down the street with our fast talking 12 year old when we came to a stop light. As we were waiting, a young woman began crossing the crosswalk with her dog. All of the sudden, Megan spits out, “Dang…She has a GREAT lag!” I quickly look at the woman. I looked right at her ass, thinking that a lag was her rear. Then I realized who was in the back seat and concentrated on the woman’s walk…thinking a lag might be a kind of strut…like the old school ‘pimp walk.’

Not seeing anything special…(though I did take another sneak peak at her ass) I turned to look over my shoulder and asked, “What the heck is a lag?”

Megan laughed and faster than I could tune my ears, recited, “ I didn’t say lag…I said lag! L as in Larry, A as in Army, B as in Boob!”

I, trying to control my laughter turned and (tried to) sternly say, “Megan…B as in Boob? What about Bob…or Beach?”

After the clarification…I did realize that the woman was walking an very cute Black Lab.

Damn….I nee to keep up.

Memorial Day Long Weekend

So, over the past week I have had the luxury of spending some quality time with all of the kids and just about every one of them has amazed me…in one way or the other.

On a drive home I was asked, “oh, is that your news building?” as we passed the FOX building. I replied, “Yes, I think it is.” Then “Oh, yep…it is…I can see the satellites on the roof” billowed from the back seat. Immediately following that came, “Who invented the Internet?” I responded with “I think it was a group of guys…” Not allowing me to even finish the statement I was hit over the head with, “yeah…the old TVs you had to touch…the new ones you use a remote.”
Being that I could not piece together the thought process behind this string on random statements that came out as a conversation…I just sat there and nodded (with a confused look on my face.)

Next…at a Caribbean restaurant, while we were waiting for our food, I was asked….”Are you getting the corn on the cock?” I quickly replied, “Corn on the COB? Yes. I did order corn on the cob. (I could barely hold in the laughter.)

I was also told, in the not so distant past, that with our new FiOS TV service, that we can ‘INCESTaneously’ get movies for free. (I believe that she was trying to say instantaneously.)

Well….the list goes on and on…I’m sure you get why I question the Santa Monica school system.

A mother-daughter conversation: We're not talking to him anymore

I thought I'd just quickly share today a frighteningly foreshadowing conversation that took place recently between my wife J- and my 2-year-old daughter M-:

M- (having built a few short stacks of Duplos on the table): Look Momma, this is a family!

J- (laying on the usual patronizing Parent voice): Oh, that's a verrry nice family.

M- (like all women*, craving drama): And this one is nasty.

J-: Oh, he shouldn't be nasty, he should be nice.

M- (dismissively): He can't help it, him's just nasty.

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* Disclaimer: When I say "all women", I am of course merely employing a rhetorical flourish, instead of specifically stating the reality, which is that every single woman in the history of time lives and breathes through the creation, enhancement, or management of drama.

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You may also enjoy my previous (5 YO son) D- conversations, (2YO daughter) M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Posted by LiteralDan