Showing posts with label toys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label toys. Show all posts

Thursday, April 30, 2009

A mother-daughter conversation: We're not talking to him anymore

I thought I'd just quickly share today a frighteningly foreshadowing conversation that took place recently between my wife J- and my 2-year-old daughter M-:

M- (having built a few short stacks of Duplos on the table): Look Momma, this is a family!

J- (laying on the usual patronizing Parent voice): Oh, that's a verrry nice family.

M- (like all women*, craving drama): And this one is nasty.

J-: Oh, he shouldn't be nasty, he should be nice.

M- (dismissively): He can't help it, him's just nasty.



* Disclaimer: When I say "all women", I am of course merely employing a rhetorical flourish, instead of specifically stating the reality, which is that every single woman in the history of time lives and breathes through the creation, enhancement, or management of drama.

You may also enjoy my previous (5 YO son) D- conversations, (2YO daughter) M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.


Posted by LiteralDan

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Patented Anti-Viagra Device


I have a handful of patents to my credit, and still occasionally do patent searches. One such foray into the US patent database made me aware of a device so horrific in concept, so pain-stakingly designed, I felt it my duty to make the Hot Dads aware.

US Patent 587,994 - Surgical Appliance

Innocuous enough title, right? But just read from the specification...

The device is adjusted to the person by fitting plate A over the abdomen and securing it by belt B. The organ [ed. note: yes, that organ] is passed through the aperture a, which fits close up around the base [ed. note: yes, that base!], and this member [do I have to say it again?!] is then drawn down... and secured... The pricking-points [ed. note: ouch!] are adjusted so as to lie in such proximity above, though clear of, the organ, as may be found best.

The member [ed. note: yes, that member!], being drawn down held down in lip a', will as long as there is no excitement not be in contact with the pricking-points...

WTF! Talk about animal cruelty. And I'm not talking about wild animals. I'm talking about the animal known as Hot Dad (in esteem or potential). I mean, this is a surgical appliance to keep a guy from having an erection.

It's the anti-viagra device!

What happened to patents for spatulas and grills and awesome homemade hamburger recipes?

Thank God, this surgical appliance issued in 1897. The 20 year monopoly granted to the patent owner has expired.

Then again, there's patent 6736142: Protective Tube and Harness, a method to assure masculine chastity characterized in that the penis is bandaged with an adhesive tape, and the bandage is protected externally by a metallic tube.

That one issued in 2002, which means it's still in effect! Someone out there is sick.

I think it's time the Hot Dads take over the US Patent and Trademark Office, and put an end to beastly patents like these. Who's in?!

(This Hot Dads public service alert brought to you by Dad's House – Dating and Parenting by an Unchaste Hot Dad)

Thumbnail image of figure from US Patent 587,994
as found on the US PTO website.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Pleasure Objects...Plain and Simple

As most of you know…I am the better half of luckily with ManicMariah. Now earlier this week she won TWO contests for which the prizes were sex toys! We have always been all for the sex toys, so I was almost as thrilled as she was to learn of the new additions to our bedroom family.

After receiving the packages from Eden Fantasys yesterday…we ripped them open while running up the stairs (kids were due home in about 45 minutes!) With box scraps, packing materials and tape littering the floor and stairs we spread out the contents on the end of the bed.

We have used cock rings before…and have had mixed feelings about them. I like them and the way they feel and all, but if they do not vibrate strong enough or don’t fit right…they suck. I had found one that I liked, but then the batteries ran out and what a pain in the ass it was to run to the store every week to get new mini batteries for it.

That being said…The cock ring that was sent was perfect, it came with its own little carrying case, vibrated like I was holding a running chainsaw and ….is rechargeable!!!!

I won’t bore you with all of the details here, but after both of us stripped down I stretched the cock ring over the shaft of my monster manhood while Mariah watched, with a big smile on her face. We dove into the bed and ‘tested’ out our new family member.

I have to say that I really like this one. It is comfortable and produces a great vibration. The vibrating part of the ring is designed in a way that makes it easy for both partners to ‘enjoy’ the …buzzing. I can definitely say that Mariah really liked it ….several times.

So, to all of you who are into adding some ‘good vibrations’ to your sex life…click your way over to Eden Fantasys and get yourself the 'BO pleasure object' by LELO – It gets a BIG thumbs up from this Hot Dad!!!!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Remote Controlled 'Fun'

I posted this on my other blog quite a long time ago...and thought that you 'ladies' might enjoy some 'good readin.'

I give My Love the sexy new panties, with a remote controlled vibrator built-in, that I just found at our local ‘adult store.’ I tell her that we are going to go out for a drink. As we walk up to the door of our favorite English Pub, I turn to her and tell her that I want to see her squirm. She gives me a sweet smile, accompanied by a look that you would get from a puppy dog who saw the big piece of steak that you were holding behind your back.

We walk in and I tell her that I am going to run into the bathroom and that she should order us a few beers. As I come out of the bathroom, I see that she has wiggled her way up to the busy bar…and she was trying to get the attention of the bartender. Wedged between a cluster of people, all trying to refill their drinks, I thought that it would be a good time to test the range of our new toy. With the press of a button, from inside my pocket, I instantly saw her jump a bit and then look around…expecting me to be right behind her. I was still about 25 feet away and blocked by a group of people playing darts.

I moved a bit closer and, leaning up against a post, gave her another quick little buzzzzz. She quickly turned her head, not seeing me…but smiling intently anyway. As the bartender approached her and I saw her begin to order…I hit her again…this time…I made it last a few seconds. I could see that while I was pressing that little special button in my pocket, it was as if I pressed the ‘pause’ button. She froze for a few seconds…mouth gaping…and eyes twinkling.

I approached her from behind and put my hand on the small of her back while pressing the button again….on…then off, on…the off… She turned to me and asked me how in the hell was she going to be able to order our drinks if I kept doing that. I smiled and just told her how hot she looked while getting a love jolt while trying to order drinks. We stood there, in the middle of a big group of bar patrons…waiting to get our beers. I asked her how her new little ‘treat’ was. She smiled and responded with, “I hope to hell this thing is water proof.”

I moved in close to her and gently slid my hand between her thighs…slowly moving up her skirt. Pressing the button again, I felt the vibration through her hot, wet panties. Keeping the button pressed, I wet my fingers with her sweet, hot juice. After bringing my fingers up to my mouth and licking them clean, I smiled and winked at her and then grabbed her face and kissed her. I could tell that she could taste herself…the way that her tongue wiped mine clean.She looked me in the eyes and said, “I think I’m kind of liking this.”

We grabbed our drinks and made our way through the crowded room and found a little spot near the dart boards where we could put our drinks down and continue people watching, watching dart games and …our little sexual exchange. Off and on, I had been pressing the button…watching her miss a step and stutter a bit. I slid my hand under her skirt once more…this time I felt her juices literally dripping down her upper thighs. I looked down at the floor…expecting to see a small pool of ‘love’…then I caressed every part of her body with my eyes, until we made eye contact.

She just nodded and said, “Oh yeah.” Her hands then started wandering…brushing over the front of my pants…finding me completely hard…she gave me a gentle squeeze. I gave her a little buzz…in return I got a slight stroke. I liked this give and take. We kissed again. Grinding on her…I could feel the vibrating in my groin…oh…this is good.

We hung out there for a little bit…then we started talking to some of the people playing darts. It was obvious to us that they had seen how we were groping one another by the way they were inconspicuously watching every one of our hand movements. We …kind of liked that.

We continued our playfulness…not trying to hide any of it. It seemed to be turning the other couple on a bit and …we liked having that effect on them. The few times that I ‘buzzed’ her while talking with the other couple. I saw Mariah move her hand to her nether region while letting out a slight moan. I knew that the other woman had put two and two together and offered up a slight smile and approving nod to Mariah. After another drink, Mariah and I moved back over to the bar area and squeezed onto two empty bar stools.

This gave me the ‘access’ that I had been wanting. She sat facing me…with her legs slightly spread. I watched as they opened and closed every time I hit my little secret button. We sat, making small talk while I worked one of my hands up her thigh…to her incredibly wet panties. Her thighs clenched around my hand…keeping it in place. Rubbing her in small circles, I felt her rocking back and forth on her stool…pushing herself into my roaming fingers. My hand felt as if I’d been soaking it in hot, sweet massage oil. I slowly pulled my hand back, careful to keep all of her sweetness on my fingers. I began raising my hand, to my mouth when she quickly grabbed me by the wrist and pulled my soaking fingers to her lips. Not caring who was watching, she began licking and sucking on each of my wet fingers.

I was rock hard. I raised my glass, indicated a toast and downed the rest of my beer…she followed in suit. I jumped up from my stool, realizing that both my pants had an obvious bulge in them and she had left an unmistakable wet spot on the stool that she had just jumped off. I led her by the hand to the front door of the bar. Once outside, I pulled her around the corner into the alley. It only took a second for my trained eyes to find a slightly dark spot for us to slide into. ‘Our spot’ was not completely out of sight…but enough for us. Being seen…was a bit exciting.

TO BE CONTINUED…….

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Daddy's little girl gone wild

I had been trying for a few days to think of a good debut post here at Hot Dads, until the other day when this one fell into my lap while making some toast.

During the half-hour wait for those little coils to brown the bread, my 4-year-old son D- ran into the kitchen carrying a plastic camera he'd found in the toy box I had just been cleaning out.

Given this miraculous piece of technology --a machine that captures images on film, made for only about 50 cents-- his first thought was to ask me to put my scratchin' hand down and pull my shirt up a little farther so he could take a picture of my belly button.

Since there was no film in the camera, I complied.

His second, much more noteworthy, thought was to approach his 2-year-old sister M-, playing on the floor nearby, and say, "Pull up your shirt so I can take a picture of your tummy."

This future demure damsel's immediate response to the intruding photographer was not only to pull up her shirt, but to announce with glee, "I'm gonna take off my shirt!!"

Shudder.

Posted by LiteralDan
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