Colt, Football, Texas, The SEC, Roll Tide

Colt, my buddy Colt. Seems you were the QB of the #2 ranked team in the nation last night until the first time you got hit.



Well Colt in the SEC we play tackle football! Damn man you let the whole state down. What kind of football do they play in the tiny 10 or the sissy SW conference or whatever poor assed conference you play the season in? Do they play flag or touch football in Texas? They must, maybe powder puff! Yeah you should thrive there.

I get hit harder than that by my kids. If you don't grow a set and get a lot tougher the NFL will stand for "Not For Long" for you. There are an ass load of SEC players in the NFL. They seem to be a lot tougher in the South East than they are in your part of town.



I don't know about everyone else watching but you sure didn't do much for your image with me. I can't imagine anyone ever rooting for a team you play for ever. You laid down it looked like to me. One hit, you took one hit. Then you came out after the game and talked to camera, under your own power. Dood some advice from me.

If I was the all mighty and powerful QB of the mighty burnt Orange Long horns and I was the Heisman hopeful and all that they would have carried me off in an ambulance, or they would have carried me back to the sidelines in a body cast or I would have cowboy'd up and played, like a man. I can guarantee you this Colt, Tebow would have played. He would have played hurt, if his arm tingled a little bit he would have played. If he couldn't feel his arm he would have played one armed. I always hear about how good football is in Tx but you didn't do diddly for that image last night.

I keep hearing about your stats. How did you compile all those stats Colt? Against who? Being knocked out of the Championship game with that little pat makes me tend to think that you were playing some damn easy competition. It looks like your stats would have read pretty much 00000000 had you played in the SEC or anything other than patsy teams. Stats smats, thats what I now say about yours. In the no hit the QB conference what do stats count for anyway?

Yeah you are going to get the money and I'm envious, I am. It doesn't bother me and I hope you get a damn bunch of it. I don't wish you ill in the future either. I won't be rooting for you but I don't wish you any ill will.

Well Colt next time take some more advice from me, get your trapper keeper Colty.

Cowboy up.
Nike.
putcher big girl panties on.
strap it on.
Pull your jock strap up tight.

Be a man.

Sage is out.

I Have Loved, I Have Lived - College Application Essay

My teen daughter is currently going through the college application process. This, of course, involves writing college application essays (multiple!) I feel for her. College application essays count for a lot in the admissions process, and they’re no fun to write.

And so, I figured I’d write my own college application essay, as if I was applying to the university of my choice this year.

I freely admit to plagiarizing the opening line of my essay from something that was apparently written by a student applying to UCLA back in the 80s. I believe the entire essay was reprinted in the LA Times, but I couldn’t find it through search. Apologies to the author. After the first sentence, the rest is mine…

College Application Essay – All About Me

I have loved, I have lived. I have traveled to Europe four times, and South America once. I can fix a flat tire on my bicycle. I speak seventeen languages, and worked the reception desk at the United Nations two summers ago. I know how to grill salmon perfectly with just salt and pepper. Bono is a personal friend of mine. A simple margarita recipe I jotted down on a cocktail napkin inspired a Jimmy Buffett song. I'm the bastard child of an older man younger woman relationship. I can bunt a fastball down the third base line. I once received a drunk texting marriage proposal and politely declined. I can fix a Mai Tai without any juice. Grey’s Anatomy is based on an experience I once had. I can drain the venom from a cobra. I'm an expert at programming the Prius navigation system. Kim Kardashian once asked me for personal training advice. I know where Waldo is. I built a Humvee military vehicle from scratch in my basement. My chicken and dumplings recipe was freeze-dried for a Space Shuttle mission. I have a picture of your university mascot tattooed on my ass.

Go State!

David Mott
Future Alumnus, Class of 2014