Ashton Kutcher Sexy Texting - Huh?

Apparently Ashton Kutcher didn’t get the memo when Tiger Woods went through his high-profile divorce. When a spouse sends sexy text messages to someone other than their betrothed, there’s Trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for Pathetic!

To summarize (straight from the covers of People and Okay! magazines): Ashton Kutcher reportedly cheated on his wife of five years, Demi Moore. After he cheated on her, he and his much younger lover Brittney kept up a texting relationship. I’m not sure how many times Ashton and Brittney hooked up, but the texting evidence of their post-coital flirting is there on young Brittney’s cell phone.

Ashton Kutcher is 32, and Demi Moore is 47. A lot of people wondered about their older woman younger man cougar relationship. But they seemed to be in love and got along great. Demi has kids from her marriage to Bruce Willis, and I believe even Bruce felt Ashton was a good step-dad.

Ashton’s lover Brittney is 21, making her younger than Ashton's step-daughter (Demi’s oldest daughter). How f**ked up is that? Most would agree that older man younger woman relationships become creepy if the woman is the same age or younger than the guy’s daughter (or in Ashton’s case, step-daughter).

I’m sure psychologists could have a field day with the older woman younger man / older man younger woman dynamics to these relationships. I won’t try to analyze Ashton here. Though I will say, it always did strike me that Demi’s old enough to be Ashton’s mother.

At least Ashton’s too young to be Brittney’s dad. (But somehow he’s old enough to be step-dad to Demi and Bruce’s oldest? Only in Hollywood...)

To put things in perspective: I’m the same age as Demi Moore. If my ex-wife had married someone as young as Ashton Kutcher, there would have been bells ringing and red flags flying in my mind. And I sure as hell wouldn’t want him as my kids’ stepdad, especially if he was only ten years older than my daughter.

Back to sexy texting. What Ashton Kutcher does with his life is his business. How he involves his wife and step-kids is his business. But if he’s going to have an affair, don’t you think he’d know enough from Tiger Woods divorce to not text about it? I’m not defending Ashton. I’m just saying any sane person … er… what am I trying to say?

Okay, the whole thing is creepy. And it played out in text-speak exactly how it was meant to be...

Hey Ashton, here’s an emoticon for ya: :-P

Image by Made In Hollywood, some rights reserved.

Marriage Traditions

I got married earlier this year. It’s been great. My wife took my name which was a great honour, but now it’s confusing to have two people named Trooper at home.
But it’s a tradition.

Lot’s of funny traditions about marriage. Like you have to divorce your first wife before you get married again. They won’t let you do it. It’s actually a question on the marriage license. The same iron-clad security they use at customs when they ask if you have any weapons in your luggage.

“I wasn’t ready for the trick question!”

And the government enlists the public in their dragnet for bigamists too. During the wedding ceremony itself, the minister asks the congregation to squeal

Pity the poor guy trying to slide one past the goalie and marry wife #2. He’s kept wife #1 in the dark, braved the inquisition at the marriage commissioner’s office, but he knows that the question is coming. And there are people in attendance that know!

Do we really need a law to prevent multiple marriages? I would think having to be accountable to two spouses would be enough. The laws against public nudity are not what is keeping me from taking my clothes off; I don't want to be running around the streets naked.

Kissing and Cooking - Which Really Lasts?

Remember the old adage: Kissing don’t last, cookery do! The intent of the message was that men (back in the day) did well to marry a sturdy woman who knew her way around the kitchen. If he married a woman for looks (and kisses), the love would fade over time and wouldn’t sustain him. Good cooking, on the other hand, lasted a lifetime.

To which I say hogwash. And not just because of the sexist connotations that women should cook for their men.

As a man who was married for ten years and divorced just as long, I can tell you, the kissing and cooking adage is crap.

Cooking doesn’t necessarily last in a marriage. I cooked plenty in the early years of my marriage. And during that last year before my wife and divorced, she wasn't cooking up a storm. She and I were in avoidance mode. I’d go to work early and she’d stay at work late. And guess who cooked dinner? Moi. (I also cooked some amount in the early days of our marriage.)

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. To which I say – who cares? Now that I’m divorced, I cook for myself almost every night. Whether I’m making my mom’s chicken and dumplings recipe, grilling a salmon, cooking swiss chard, or cooking beets. I’ve learned my way around the kitchen, by necessity.

Divorce will do that, especially when you’re a single dad raising kids. You can’t eat out every night.

As for the kissing not lasting? Sadly, that part of the adage was true for me. The kissing (and sex) fell to the wayside at the end of my marriage, and have proven hard to replace. I’ve had girlfriends post-divorce, and I’ve enjoyed my share of hook-ups and one-night stands. But daily hugs and kisses have proven a thing of the past. And hugs and kisses and spooning are some of the things I miss the most.

(Props to any married couple that has kept the love and sex and kisses and hugs alive throughout the years. And if you're married and not doing that? You should!!!!)

So next time I find a woman to be my partner and join me in my home, I’m going to toss that old adage out the window. I want kissing that will last. As for the cooking – I’ll just keep on doing it myself.


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Should Tiger and Elin Stay Married?

The Tiger Woods affair scandal hit the covers of US and People magazines this week, making it important news to grocery shoppers. (And we all need groceries!) I don’t know Tiger Woods, nor have a clue what he was thinking while committing “transgressions” that let down his family. Whether those alleged events happened with one woman or nine is only conjecture to everyone but him.

I won't judge the man, but I do think the alleged details of this affair scandal provide talking points for any married or divorced couple. Should a couple stay married after an affair or sexy arrangement?

In fairness to Tiger and Elin, let’s keep this discussion philosophical, firmly rooted in rumors and reports of alleged events. Anything written below should assume to be “alleged”. I sure as hell don’t need a lawsuit. But as a divorced single parent, I am fascinated by what keeps couples together, and what tears them apart.

Should Tiger and Elin stay married?

Before we start, let’s review the traditional wedding vows:

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Yes, Marriage is Forever!

Some see marriage as a spiritual bond. Countries outside the U.S. tend to look the other way when affairs occur. Staying married is the best thing for Tiger Woods’ children. Who needs another broken home? Besides, the wedding vows explicitly promise to stick together for better or worse.


No, Throw the Bastard Out!

An affair breaks the wedding vows. Having a discreet affair is not loving and cherishing your partner, it’s utter contempt and disrespect. Plus, what’s with the prenup Tiger had Elin sign? Didn’t that break the for richer, for poorer part of the vow before they even got hitched?

(One blogger wondered why Tiger didn’t just put his mistresses on a payroll, and keep them happy the old school way. Doh!)

I don’t condone affairs, but I know there are plenty of reasons given for having one.

• One spouse turns all their affections to the children, and the other feels neglected and seeks love and affection from someone else, if only for a night.

• One spouse has an ego the size of a planet, like they’re the greatest golfer on earth, and they feel they are above societal and spiritual rules, and can do whatever the hell they want.

• One spouse badgers and berates the other, until the other seeks love and affection from someone else… (sell bullet point 1)

• Nature took its course, and who are we to go against nature when nature tells us to shag a Vegas cocktail waitress?

Bringing it all back to Tiger and Elin and any alleged transgressions that occurred: Should Tiger and Elin stay married?

Yes: Tiger is a good role model, and deep down a good man. Elin does not have anger management issues; she really did use that golf club to rescue him, not attack him. (Some single moms suggested she should have used a bigger iron, or a baseball bat, or let others join in. Oy.) Tiger and Elin can put this behind them. It’s best for the kids if they work it out and stay together.

No: Celebs aren't role models. Tiger is an asshole. Nine women over the course of several years, all while projecting a perfect image so he can reap hundreds of millions in endorsements? (Were they the back nine? Ha. Can the drummer give me a rim shot!) All Tiger cares about is himself. Why else is Tiger throwing money at Elin and every mistress to keep quiet? Bastard should burn in hell.

Like I said – we don’t really know what Tiger did, or how Elin reacted. But assuming the worst – should they stay married?

Hell, can they?

Tiger and Elin image uploaded to flickr by Higherimages, some rights reserved.