Wednesday, June 30, 2010

In Which The Boy Pukes, Everywhere

The next time my neighbors warn me that their kids have the stomach flu, I should heed their warning and stay the hell away, immediately. The kids and I walked out of the house for our daily walk around the hood today, and we ran into a new neighbor with his 17 month old sickly little bugger right in front of our house. “You might want to stay back, he has a 101 temperature right now,” he warned me as Mr Pant’s went running up to him. “Yeah yeah, I’m not worried about it, we’re outside right?”

Then fifteen minutes later, down the street as we were exploring the hood we ran into one of our usual families that we play with. They were out for their daily walk too. She warned me, “You might want to stay back, she’s been puking for two days, although her temperature just went away,” she warned me about her youngest kid. “Yeah yeah, I’m not worried about it, we’re outside right? Can we join you on your walk?” “Sure, let’s go.” And all six of us walked the neighborhood for the next hour. Outside right? Yeah right!

Four hours later, just after Mr Pants laid down for a late bedtime, he hurled. Rice, an entire banana and a bottle of OJ and a couple pieces of chicken…..all over his sheets. But then, oh but then he hurled on Lilly. All over her nice work pants. Can’t say I didn’t feel bad, but I can’t really say I did either. Considering that he puked on me in the middle of a restaurant a year ago, she had it coming.

And he puked on his stuffed Woody, Sid, and Buck all in the same shot. Now how the hell am I suppose to put the kid to sleep without his friends. Huh, tell me!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

What Annoys You In The Gym?

In my life I’ve been a member at probably 15 gyms where I’ve run into all different types of people and things that annoy my balls off. Although I might not look it at the moment... I've dedicated a fair amount of my life to the gym so I think that gives me some authority to tell you what annoys me so if we happen to work out together then you won't look like a raging douche.

Here are a few things to keep in mind...

Don't leave a massive amount of weight on a machine after you're done

It never fails that some muscle head ignores the sign that says “Please re-rack your weights” and leaves the 400 lbs they put on the squat machine or bench press for you to take off. I guess they either think they’re too awesome or their muscles have started to push their brains out their ears.

Don't talk all the time and never work out

You go to a gym to work out… not to talk. Granted… I talk too when I go to the gym, but it usually involves a one to two minute time period and I’m on to the next thing. But every gym usually has its proverbial chatterbox who probably gets to a rep every 30 minutes. After about an hour and a half, he (or she) probably works out a total of three minutes. Of all the gym annoyances, they’re probably the least harmless but it still warrants its place on my list.

Don't spit your loogies into the trashcan

This doesn’t always happen in the gym but it’s happens the wide majority of the time. Is it really necessary? You might not want to swallow it but I wish you would please spare the rest of us knowing that some giant phlegm ball is sitting in the trashcan. Hey... the bathroom is right around the corner.

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These are by every trashcan in my gym... hypothetically...

Don't get infected with ILS

You may be asking yourself, “What is ILS?” ILS stands for “Imaginary Lat Syndrome”. Your lats (or latissimus dorsi) are essentially your back muscles. You may notice that body builders walk with their arms gravitating away from their body… this is because their lats are huge, they have way too many muscles and as a result can’t walk with their arms directly perpendicular to their sides or wipe their butt.

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If you look like this... you do not have ILS. Rather, you have an issue with wiping your butt and I feel sorry for you

If this is what you want… so be it. I’m not going to argue because if this is the case for you then you can probably smash me with your eye lid. What I have a problem with is those much smaller dorks who seem to think they are overflowing with muscles and walk like they’re carrying a watermelon under each arm.

Every gym has one. Don't let it be you.

Don't lift TOO much weight and DON'T use awful form

There are undoubtedly several of these in every gym. Morons who think they can lift more than they actually can and either use horrible form or do a maximum of one repetition until eventually slamming the weights to the floor and look around to see who was watching them complete their world record lift.

Don't be that naked dude invading my space in the locker room

I have to say… this is the one that bothers me the most. Especially at the current gym I work out at where the locker room is the size of a traditional workspace cubicle. Some men have no trepidation in getting completely clothes-less and meander about the locker room as if it was the Garden of Eden. This comes to make me realize how hard it is to actually avoid seeing something I don’t want to see. This will result in me looking at the ceiling or at the floor to drastically lower the chances of accidentally catching an eyeful of something that will scar my memory forever.

Unfortunately, this is sometimes unpreventable. It usually involves just forgetting to be aware because of where you are. Most recently it involved me walking into the locker room and the person who just got done showering was drying their feet with nothing on and might have well just said, "Hey guy... wanna see my balloon knot?". This resulted in a quick throwing up in my mouth.

Don't leave your sweaty leftovers

I’m fortunately not an extreme sweater, but anytime I leave a greasy patch of sweat of a bench… I wipe it off. Some Neanderthals seem to think that the gym is their own personal sweatbox and leave a trail of salty skin water everywhere they go. Gross.

Don't scream

Don't be one of these meatheads that push up weight and feel the need to let everyone in the gym know they’re doing so. This involves an ear piercing “HARUMMMM GAAHHHH” or “PHHHHHHHHFTT DAHHH” or “PWEEEEET WHOOOOAAAH”. I realize sometimes you're in the zone and you let out a little grunt... but keep it to a 500 decibel minimum. If you have to scream at the top of your lungs then just know that I know you’re a stud… now go jump in a pile of elephant excrement to cool yourself off Rambo.

Don't give me advice unless I ask for it

I’ve been working out a long time… and nothing chaps my hide more than some guy who thinks he’s got some advice to give me. Listen here Billy Blanks… if I wanted your advice I would ask you. Now go back to doing your shadow boxing.


Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

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How to Host a World Cup Party for Teens

My kids and I have been recording World Cup Soccer matches on our DVR, and watching them at our leisure. It’s just not part of our constitution to get up at 4am for the first game of the day. And when there are three soccer games, one right after another, we want to name the time our butts sit down on that couch.

But this week, teams have one last chance to fight their way out of the group stage. It’s advance, or go home! So when the USA played Algeria at 7am California time, we figured we’d get up and watch it live.

More than that – my daughter decided to turn it into an event by inviting her friends. No worries, at all. We have a great dad daughter relationship. And as a Hot Soccer Dad, I feel duty bound to tell you all I learned from the experience. And so I bring you: How to host a world cup party for teens.

1) No need to send eVites or fancy invitations. Just have your teen start texting friends. She’ll talk soccer, create momentum and build a quorum in no time flat. And if any of her friends don’t like soccer, and say they’d rather sleep in than join the fun, you simply tell them: “This is a world-wide spectacle. Are you going to let life pass you by, or embrace it?” Sometimes peer pressure is a wonderful thing.

2) No need to cook Quaker oatmeal or put out bran muffins. Teens will want waffles – with whipped cream and berries and syrup. Even teens with ripped abs will want the fattening stuff. And they will want LOTS of waffles HOT waffles. None of those toaster things. Time to bust out the waffle iron. Fortunately, it’s easy enough to set it up on a card table in the TV room. Want a waffle? Cook it yourself! (A tequila sunrise for you isn't a bad plan.)

3) You can certainly watch the games with the teens, but don’t try telling any jokes – the teens won’t laugh. They’ll just wonder what planet you came from. (You'd think I would have learned this lesson before, when I told a joke to teens that I thought was funny as hell.)

4) Teens will undoubtedly stick around for a second soccer game, even if there’s a multi-hour delay between matches. In our case, they wanted to see Germany play. And that meant I needed to provide them lunch. Which brings me to my next point…

5) Buy twice as much pizza as you think you need. Doesn't matter how many waffles they ate. These are hungry teens!

6) Finally, if there happens to be a world record long tennis match being played at Wimbledon at the same time, expect those teens to watch every serve and volley. Thankfully, this does NOT mean the teens will stick around for dinner. England is eight hours ahead of California, and when the tennis match is called for darkness, you can send those teens packing for home

Until the next morning, when the next set of World Cup soccer matches starts up….

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Perfect Shave

Ever since my mom started called me “Prince” when I was 13 and sprouted some dark fuzz on my upper lip, I’ve been obsessed with shaving. My stubble has always been a prevalent facial feature, which is why people have always thought I looked older than I was. This made me very popular as a college freshman because I was able to buy beer without an ID. It feels like shaving has always been something I’ve just had to do, like showering and wearing clothes.

There was one summer when I actually got paid to shave. I was a test subject for Gillette. Two or three times a week, I would make a 10 minute drive to a testing facility—a plain, white science lab looking room filled with individual sink basins. Me and about a dozen other guys would shave half our faces with one product, the other half with another and take a quick survey afterward where we would have to count any nicks and cuts. They paid 15 bucks a shave. A great deal for something I was doing for free every day. Suckers.

About six years ago, I grew a beard as a way to save my face from the torture I must inflict courtesy of micro thin steel blades scraping its surface. For I have the unlucky combination of a thick beard and super sensitive skin that bleeds every time I shave. No matter what product I use or how I wield my razor. Thankfully I like the look of my facial fuzz and based on the compliments I often receive, others do too. My beard now feels as much a part of my identity as my hair color or my name.

A few years ago, my curiosity with shaving led me to stumble into an upscale barbershop in Beverly Hills. I mention that it was in Beverly Hills only in order to conjure up the very image you have in your head right now. The place was new and immaculate, with a row of shiny old-fashioned barber chairs the back, a crew of sharply dressed barbers and a waiting room with fancy leather couches and a big flat screen TV. It was like a day spa for men. I couldn't resist it for long and soon went in for a trim and a shave.

You know the opening shot of The Untouchables, where Robert DeNiro as Capone is leaning back in a barber chair with a hot towel on his face while people scurry around pampering him? That’s exactly what it’s like getting a professional shave. It’s taking something that I do nearly every day and making it luxurious, like getting a massage while you shower.

The barber is a pro with a straight blade, and is able to get a much closer shave than I’ve ever been able to while making sure that both sides of my beard are straight and level. (You'd be surprised how difficult this can be.) During the shave you’re treated to hot towels, hot lather, oils, cold towels, talc and a head and scalp massage at the end. It’s bliss.

Paying for a shave is an indulgence that I don’t treat myself too very often but every once in a while I will take some time to relax and get a professional shave. Guys, as a general rule, don't tend to pamper ourselves very much. It's usually women who get the manicures or get hot rock treatments at the spa. But this is something that's just for us. And if you ever have the opportunity to get a professional shave, I say take it. You won't be disappointed.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Rub It !!!

I think that there are a lot of cool tattoos out there...but on the same note, I now wish that I did not have any. I went through a phase (if you can call a 5 year span a phase) where I thought that tattoos were the ultimate in cool.

To me, they said something about the person who's skin they wove themselves into. I could tell a little soomething about people by their tattoos (biker, neo nazzi, gang member, ex-con, mamma's boy, etc.)

Then things are can't tell if it says something about the person or if it says something about who the person wants to be...or

if they are just doing it cuz someone else did it.

I don't mind the folks that 'ink up' because it is something internally meaningful to them...but it is the people who get tattoos like they are jewelry (or make up) that kill me. I know that I have three tats, but they are all concealable (unless I am at the beach...or getting down to business.) You would not know that I had any if I have a t-shirt on.

I have seen some sexy as shit tats...have seen some on guys that look really good...and have seen some that are absolutely FUCKED!!!!

And even with all of that...Look what I have done to myself

This does not rub off?!
Each of my tattoos does mean something to me...but I do have MANY days when I wish that I never got any...or some freaky scientist would come up with some "Tat-Be-Gone" lotion and you could just ...rub it off.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Fathers Day, Funnies, Caption Contest

Well we at Hotdads would like to wish all fathers out there a happy fathers day! So today Dads you should do nothing and be catered to by your kids and wife/girlfriends. So that is an order.

1. Every man should know how to read chicks.

2. A perfect fathers day gift for your husbands ladies!

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

‘Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

3. If he doesn't has access to a set of these on a daily basis this is another good gift idea.

4. Yes yes doing it entirely wrong.

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But, after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

5. You are allowed to do this to your brood today if they don't cater to your very whim.

Caption Contest. See there this kid understands what whim catering is all about!

Go see what the Real World has going on!

Y'all try the caption contest and Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there.

Southern Sage <---- some excellent Fathers day gift idea posted there.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Parenting - 2,945 1/2

OK…I know that you all know where I stand on overbearing and over the top parenting.

My philosophy is simple….let kids interact, learn, experience and enjoy their childhood. Yes…keep your kids safe and never put them in harm’s way…but at the same time you need to TEACH them …not hide them under your wing as to not experience what our world actually consists of.

I ran across a copy of Smithsonian magazine today and an article talking about children's stories caught my eye.

These stories are suffused with the same purity that makes children appear so marvelous and blessed,” wrote Wilhelm Grimm in the preface to his volume of fairy tales. If true, then life in the 19th century was worse than I’d ever imagined. Reading these stories today is like sitting through a Quentin Tarantino movie.

How will a child who has been overly sheltered (and yes…that is my nice way of saying it) react when he or she hits high school or college and has to experience sleeping in a bed without rails for the first time…or when the freak out at a friend’s house when they see a pair of scissors in the night stand?
I saw this article and almost threw up on the magazine…in the middle of the doctor’s office waiting room.

…A few more excerpts (enjoy!!)

Have you ever added up the body count? One poor girl is transformed into a block of wood and thrown into a fire. A father risks his daughter’s life by boasting she can weave straw into gold. An evil queen tries to off her stepdaughter with a poisoned apple.

I’ve come to realize that many popular children’s books are rife with malice and mayhem. Do you have any idea of the dangers that may lurk on your little ones’ bookshelves?

Let’s start with Goodnight Moon. Margaret Wise Brown’s beloved bedtime tale is a veritable hotbed of child safety hazards. First of all, the child’s—excuse me, bunny’s—great green bedroom contains an open fireplace filled with dangerous tools like tongs and pokers. The bed has no side rails. And what about the grandmother—a careless caretaker if I ever saw one. Why, she leaves knitting needles unattended in a child’s bedroom!

Re-Post, Must read! The Perfect Vacation! Bring your men for Advice!

Well I always get mails from chicks wanting to know this that or the other pertaining to guys and I answer them and they take my advice and it works out just like I said it would or they don't and it gets all messed up. Well I know guys don't always ask things so I will give some unrequested advice to guys out there to give your girl the perfect vacation. The ultimate gift. Something that will please them beyond anything they thought possible.

Guys most of you don't appreciate what your girls go through, wives especially. If they work outside of the home they work the same hours as you do then get home and have tend kids and clean house and do most of the cooking, washing, folding and so on. The same goes for SAHM's. Have you ever tried talking to a 3 year old all day as well as doing all the other things listed up there? It doesn't exactly peg out the excitement meter. Well then you roll into the house and half way expect dinner to be ready, kids to act right, house to be clean etc etc and never give her the credit she deserves. Well this plan I have will absolutely let her know how much you care about her and how much you appreciate what she does for the family. This will show her how in tune with her wants, desires and needs are as well as show her you are selfless and all that other sissy stuff they like to see from you once a decade.

This will also work with girlfriends, shack ups, friends with benefits and on and on.

Anyway here you go. Bust out and dust off your trapper keeper and don't miss a word, Big Pappi will lay it out in easy to understand instructions.

Ok guys first you need to get someone to watch your house, kids, pets or other things that might need tending for 3 days. The plan needs 3 days. Oh yeah if you can keep it a secret its better. Then you need to make travel plans for the two of you leaving Friday afternoon and returning on the redeye Sunday night. Pick a destination on or near the beach say from Texas to North Carolina. Somewhere she has never been, somewhere beautiful and peaceful at the same time. Ok make the arrangements and all of that.

Then pack for her as well as new lingerie you have bought for her and her favorite ummmmm sexual aids, lubes, jells, lotions, potions, scented bath stuff, new perfume, you know all the foo-foo stuff chicks dig. Make sure you get all of that stuff. I know this sounds stupid but its only three days, damn suck it up wouldja.

Ok then after getting all the stuff squared away off you go to your beach destination arriving Friday night and getting into the LIMO you have waiting at the airport. To the hotel where she is taken directly to get a massage you have scheduled in advance for her. You unpack and prepare for later. Then after the massage you of course have wine or her drink of choice available when she returns. No touching or anything yet. She drinks a few or couple or one depending on her tolerance and you either read her poems or put the radio/tv on her favorite music station. By this time it is time to go to the fancy dinner you have SCHEDULED in advance.

Follow every step to a T! Trapper Keepers guy, Trapper Keepers.

You go to the dinner where the flowers you have had delivered there in advance for her are presented and the meal is perfect. Candles, romance, sweet nothings etc, all that romance novel BS they like. Then back to the hotel surely she is a little tired tonight from the trip and all.

Then when you return to the hotel you instantly start her a bath with the bath smell good stuff in there and candles and soft music. You offer to wash her lightly but still no sexual stuff AT ALL. Just tending to her in all other ways, pouring drinks, washing her back, adjusting the water temp. So you allow her to soak and all that. If you really went all out she is in a whirlpool tub and its whoopin and all of that, bubbles, smell good etc. You stay clothed. Then when she calls for you when she is ready to get out you go in and with the new super duper soft towel you have bought you lightly dob the water from her skin making sure she is sufficiently dry and then you allow her to do whatever the hell it is they do in there between getting out of the shower and being ready for whatever is next. Then when she calls again (she hasn't been able to see in the room this whole time per your instructions) you go back and give her the naughtiest outfit you bought for her and tell her to put it on wait 5 minutes, let the anticipation continue to mount then come out.

Ok this is the most important part for her to have the most satisfying, wonderful, excellent experience possible so don't get this wrong at all.

Ok then come back into the room, open the door and let me in, give me your cell phone number and the room key, go to your room (a completely different room) and remember to have breakfast, lunch, dinner and alcohol delivered at the appropriate times and don't forget to pick up your completely worn out, sated, satisfied and sore wife or girlfriend up in time to make the airport Sunday.

I'm telling you it hasn't failed yet!

This perfect vacation brought to you by Sage. I have a couple of weekends still open between July 10th and 2011, they are available while they last, first come first served, very well served.

Go see what the Real World has going on!

Southern Sage <----Y'all click that and come on over and leave some random thoughts!! I'm on the road with a salesman and will smile when my phone bzzzzzzz's

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Classes for Women, Sunday Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

Good old Dr Smith...

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after
your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for
several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs !

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?' 'Yes I am.. How did you know?' He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

1. Lol, that is a beautiful ocean!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs.
The girl asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'

2. Maybe she can buy a new mirror hers is surely broken.

3. Ya think?

Summer Classes for Women at


By Friday June 25, 2010


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00PM

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

IWas Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Learningto Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdaysat 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Howto Shop by Yourself.
Meets4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Uponcompletion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

4. Ball dippin anyone?

5. Go Bill!

6. LOL

7. Who wants some?

Give the caption contest a try! Come on surely you can come up with something! Slumber party at Sage's is taken though!

Go see what the Real World has going on!

Southern Sage I'm sure I posted here too.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Sage-Umm Yes She Gave Me Crabs, what to do?

So now that I have your attention. I found out Saturday that I had crabs. After being on the road for a week with a salesman I come home and have crabs! WTF?

Well I wasn't sure how to react really so.....

I ate em.

Well someone caught up a bunch of crabs and gave em to ma-in-law. Well if y'all haven't eaten a lot of crabs then you might not know that when they slept in the sea last night you have to bust the shell and root the meat out. Well they make tools for such a thing but when you are an unsophisticated 'neck you don't need such things. Crab busting tool:

Well she had the three pots slap full of crabs. Two regular sized pots and one big assed pot slap full to the top of crabs. So I just filled the tray you see here under the pot up with crabs, ate them and threw those shells away, they aren't shown in the carnage.

Then I got the full other little pot that was full up just poured the water out of that one and took it and ate those. See if you don't know how to eat em first you pull the claws off then you bust em open with the needle nosed pliers and root around in there for 3 pieces of meat bout big as your pinky finger nail. Then you can pull those flappers in the back and get some decent meat on those. Well anyway then I got those eaten so with a growling stomach I went and got the big pot.

Same thing there, ate all those too. Well now I am a self described and confirmed fat boy but come on 3 pots of damn crabs and hungry? The kids had pizza and left their dear ole Dad 4 pieces and some bread sticks so I ate them and was almost full, when I got back up momma Sage scolded me and told me not to eat anything else so I did not.

2.5 hours of eating and still hungry.

There ya go, todays crab story.

Hit the caption contest too, one post below!

Go see what the Real World <---- I posted here today too! Southern Sage <--- and here! I'ma posting phenom!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Keepin it clean!!!

Gotta love the ads that go up on on Monday mornings!!!!!

Check this one out!!

Seeking a HOT Exotic Girl to clean my apartment (Santa Monica)

Date: 2010-06-07, 8:22AM PDT

Looking for a really hot, young, exotic girl to clean my apartment. Slowly take off all your clothes for me, until all you have on are a pair of socks or sneakers, then start claning my apartment. I will pay $200 per cleaning session and am looking for at least twice per month. If we click, you can come over more often. Before you start, we will need to meet for a quick cup of coffee nearby. This is for your benefit, as well as mine. Lot's of phonies on this website. If you are serious, please respond with your picture and some stats. We can do this TODAY, later this afternoon.

Thanks for reading my ad.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

1. LOL

2. Indeed you should fear the smiley folks.

3. Do it Jack.

4. Ole Tiger never gets old.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

5. The Doublemint twins?

6. bwhahahahahahaha

Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect football outing for an away game between the

NY Jets and the Indianapolis Colts

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

On game day, two days later, the three get to the stadium site only to find Frank already sitting in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

"Man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. The other evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and so I did.

And then she said "Now, do whatever you want."

So here I am!!!

7. Democrats! Who'da thunk it.

8. Ha!!!!!!!! Fail indeed.

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Caption Contest, but you can't use "Hey Honey he's hung like a Sage!
Give it your best shot though!

Well take a shot at the captions! Hope everyone has a groovy Sunday!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Super Soccer Dad, World Cup Edition

I’m a soccer dad, and a solid one at that. For years, I schlepped my kids to and from soccer practice. I attended all their games. I endured tournament weekends in the middle of nowhere. I even tried my hand at coaching a few seasons.

It’s not just about a dad watching his daughter and son play sports. I’ve also acquired a love for watching the game on TV. At any given moment, my DVR has matches queued up from La Ligua, Italian Serie A, English Premier, German Bundesliga. I know the names and characteristic motions of star players. I even revel at wonderful touches by unknowns, making me a soccer dad extraordinaire.

What soccer dad can top all that?

Turns out at least one soccer dad has taken the form to new heights. I recently met him drinking Guinness while I was sipping the best margarita recipe out in a bar. We were chatting about which teams would do well in the upcoming World Cup, when he said something that put me completely to shame as a lover of the beautiful game.

He’s flying to South Africa this summer so that he can attend FIFA World Cup 2010!

More than that – he’s been globe-trotting to World Cup Tournaments for decades!

I was beyond impressed. Here I thought sipping pinot noir in the Napa Valley during a break between games at one of my daughter’s club tourneys was boondoggle enough.

Super Soccer Dad said he puts aside $40 from each paycheck in his own personal World Cup fund. Every four years, he has $4000 at his disposal, to at least get him to the tournament. Buying tickets and finding places to stay is something he deals with once there. It’s part of the adventure.

But wait, there’s more – this year, Super Soccer Dad is flying his son with him to Johannesburg. Talk about a dadly maneuver!

And here I thought sneaking my son into the Jelly Belly factory during a break between games at one of his sister’s club tourneys was impressive enough.

I will say, Super Soccer Dad had one fault in his World Cup plans - he’s rooting for Brazil.

I like the Italy national team.

Forza Azzurri!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Taking the Plunge

After all the crap I've been through in getting divorced, you all might be surprised that Trooper Thorn went back to the alter.

Well I did and couldn't be happier.

Read about it here on my blog.

The Hot Dad Dream!!

Are ‘Dream Books’ full of shit? Are psychotherapists full of it? Does anyone REALLY know what the hell it means when you dream?

I have to say that I don’t dream to much, or rather, I don’t remember my dreams. But there are times, like last night, where I toss and turn all night or wake up sweating and pissed off. I guess the range of emotions does vary as I have woken up sad, excited, scared…and even quite hard.

That being said…I don’t really get dreams. I mean, if I dream about running someone over in my car…does that mean that I want to? Does it mean that I fear that? Does it mean that it will happen in my future? What about the sex dreams? The murder dreams? The torn apart family dreams? The dreams about defecating in public (not that I have had those) …just saying.

Some say that dreams are your uninhibited and raw personality. Some say that it is a glimpse of the future. Some say that they are your worst fears and best dreams being realized. Some even say that everything in your dreams stand for something else in your life. Like if I dream about peeing on the steps of a police station…that it could be seen as; me showering our protectors with gold and warmth. (what a crock!!)

I don’t know…Ass I mentioned earlier…I don’t remember many of my dreams, but when I do…or when I talk to family and friends who do dream a lot…it kind of scares me as to what it could mean.

Trust me…I have woken up to elbows to the ribs and bloody lips…due to what I did in SOMEONE else’s dreams.

Someone please help me to understand!!!!!!

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