Saturday, January 31, 2009

OCD Sucks !!!!!!

Due to some technical difficulties…or my ever-present OCD…I had to erase all of the timers for shows set to record on our satellite system. There were some conflicts and things just weren’t working right (as smooth as I’d like them to be.)

As to not forget any shows…and again letting some OCD seep out, I first made a list (I love lists) of everything that we, as a household, wanted recorded on a regular basis.

35 freakin shows!
And 25 of them are shows primarily for Mariah and I.

What the hell are we thinking? How are we supposed to watch 25 hours of TV a week?

That made me think about it in relation to other things in my weekly schedule…fine…It was an excuse for me to make another list.

Here is what I cam up with…In order:
Sleep – 56 Hours
TV – 25
HoursWriting / computer / work – 25 Hours
Homework help – 10 Hours
Laundry/cooking/household chores – 8 Hours
Carpools – 8 Hours
Sex – 6 Hours
Volunteering at the school – 4.5 Hours
Shopping – 3 Hours


Being that there are only 168 hours in the week…I have about 22.5 hours unaccounted for. (I know I do other things so I will not stress about ‘losing time’ or anything.)

Now, looking at this list…I know that I need to move SEX MUCH HIGHER in the list, additionally, I am spending roughly 47% of the hours in the week sleeping and watching TV…WTF!? Like I don’t have better things to do.

Friday, January 30, 2009

What's next??

I got some parental advise from my seven-year-old the other day. She is concerned with the way I am bringing up her little sister - the 4-year-old who thinks she is 18.

Seems Savannah is trying to make up for the fact that I don't have their mother around to make sure I don't screw my kids up too much with the way I raise them. Cute for sure, however, what the hell does she know about molding a young child?

After all, I have been doing it on my own for four years and aside from telling Shelby to hide a quarter her in mouth to keep it away from Savannah two years ago, I think I have done a pretty good job. (Shelby would go on to swallow the quarter and we would end up spending the rest of the day in the emergency room.)

In addition to making sure they are provided for, I read to them every day, help them with homework, play games with them, let them apply makeup to my face, wake up at a ridiculous time on the weekends to make them pancakes, and never go out at night because I feel guilty about them spending so much time with a babysitter while I work.

What could I possibly be doing wrong?

"I just think you need to do some things differently around Alani,'' Vanna said.

"And what is that baby? Don't be afraid... just tell me."

"You need to stop saying bad words around her. Me and Shelby know that just because you say them doesn't mean we can. I am worried Alani will be saying them all the time at school when she starts Kindergarten next year. It's bad, Daddy."

Wow. . . just like that, I was speechless. She had a point. I do spew out four letter words a lot in the house. I don't direct them at my girls, but they leave my mouth quite regularly. And Alani has gotten pretty good at including them in her own vocabulary.

I always tell her not to, but it hasn't seemed to deter her too much. It probably doesn't help that the girls and I laugh after hearing Alani talk as if she is walking the halls of my high school. Some of her classic sayings that have brought laughter from her siblings and I include:

"What the fuck did you do that for?" Said after I hit the back of her mouth while brushing her teeth recently.

"This is bullshit... I am going to play with my Barbies." Said after being frustrated at losing when playing the game Sorry with the rest of us.

"Dad, don't you think Hannah Montana is cool as shit?" That one needs no explanation.

And her favorite and one that was said recently while I had some coaching friends over watching an NFL playoff game. "More fucking football? Don't you watch anything else?"

Did I mention she is four?

After replaying all this in my head for a few minutes, Vannah brought me back to the present by asking me, "Don't you think it will be your fault if she is cussing in class next year and in trouble all the time? What do you think she is going to say to the teacher when she is told that snack time is over?"

I answered her, "What the fuck? I am not done yet."

"Yea, Daddy. You have to stop it around her."

She was right. Son of a bitch, she was right. I gave up smoking last week, now I have to stop cussing?

I hate to think of what's next.

Posted by CoachDad

Thursday, January 29, 2009



Posted By BedsideTalesMan

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Spinal Worthititis

I need to know if there is a place to submit new words to be considered for addition into the dictionary. I think I have a few that should be in there.

MigraToot – A toot (fart) that instantly gives you a migraine when you walk by.
Bart – A burp that smells like a fart.
Shart – A “productive” fart (if you get my meaning)
Cellthumbitis – The updated version of Nintendo Thumb, that one gets from texting
Auto Digititis – The soreness in your fingers from clenching the steering wheel too tightly while driving behind a slow driver.
WUDs – The raised dots along the center of many long stretches of roadways. (WUD stands for Wake Up Daddy)
Gobble-ette – A woman that loves to give blow jobs.

Additionally I think there should be a new category for injuries – SRIs – for all Sexually Related Injuries...including:
Spinal Worthititis – The sore lower back that some of us get after a hot night in the sack. (but it was really Worth It)
Cranial Veincum Syndrome – When the veins in your head bulge out right before you cum.

I don’t know…I have plenty more but thought I’d just throw out a few…in case you all try to steal them from me.

Always Home and Uncool
Daddyus Dorkus
Dads Who Mock the World
Dogs and Jeans
Father Muskrat
Get The Stink Off
Irish Gumbo
Irregularly Periodic Ruminations
Raging Dad
the Goat and Tater
Welcome to Sageville

Posted By BedsideTalesMan

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Childhood Adventure - Part 2

If you have not already...Read Part 1 first

He first peered inside. Not seeing much of anything, he remembered his difficulty in getting out of the trench. Finding a few large rocks that he could roll, he one by one, rolled them into the bunker to use as a ladder if he could not find a door. Then he dropped to his belly and began descending into the bunker, feet first. Inside the bunker it was dark, the air was still and…he had no flashlight. Walking around the room feeling the walls for a door, he noticed that there was a bunch of stuff on the floor. In the dim light he could not make everything out so he lifted items, one by one into the light from the sliver of window. This room was a gold mine for shell casings…he even found 2 belts of shells…where they were all held together by little metal pieces. These, he knew, were used in the large machine guns.

Finally he found what seemed to be a mini door in the wall that opened to a stairwell. He could see nothing in the stairwell. It was pitch black. He sat there for a moment, contemplating whether he would brave the stairwell or go back the way he came. The internal argument was brief…he’d come back another day with a flashlight for the stairs. Climbing up on the rocks that he’d pushed down into the bunker, he was able to emerge from his first explored room with ease. Once back on solid ground, outside the bunker, he searched for something to mark the bunker with so that he could come back to see where that stairway led. The only thing that he could find was a bunch of rocks. He grabbed them, one by one and piled them on top of the bunker, in a pile that he’d be able to see from a ways off.

At that point, he decided to head inland from the cliff to see what was there for him to explore. Passing by several flat cement circles, each with a few sets of holes in them, he noticed huge amounts of spent shell casings and knew that there must have been machine guns mounted there. He took a few minutes to pretend that there were still guns mounted in position. With his hands up in front of him, he shook back and forth and turned back and forth, making machine gun noises. With that, he thought to himself what a great vantage point that spot was. He had a great line of sight up and down the beach…as well as the ocean to the east.

Moving on, the boy came to a set of stairs which led down about fifty feet to a large open area. Seemingly an old staging area for the military personnel, to him it looked like an un-kept playground …with no equipment. Reaching the open area and turning to look at the hillside toward the ocean he marveled at the number of stairways, doors and open passageways that riddled the embankment. As if he were a trained soldier, he squinted his eye, peered back and forth and then seemed to KNOW which direction to head.

As he started to the north-East, he noticed something that stood out to him. It was not the shape of all of the other things he was finding…and it looked to be halfway stuck into the ground. Crouching down in front of it and brushing some of the dirt away from the sides…it became clear what he had found.

To be continued….

Posted By BedsideTalesMan

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Moments Of Clarity

Admittedly, as a guy…no, wait…as an odd guy, I sometimes have some crazy ideas. You know…those ideas that sound ingenious at the time but then when repeating it the next day…are outlandishly ridiculous.

That being said, last night I had one of my ‘moments of clarity.’ I am not sure where it came from, but man…I had it all planned out. I was so excited about this new (make believe) company…I decided to name it “Ex-Site.” It would be a web-based store where people could send their disgruntled former partners ‘gifts.’

The line of ‘gifts’ that I came up with was freaking brilliant…well…brilliant in a sort of psychotic way. I would offer items such as; bags of poop - with your choice of (human, dog, cat or cow), asparagus pee in a sport bottle (labeled lemon lime), poo cupcakes (with vanilla frosting), bag of vomit (your choice of foods), diarrhea…and the grand finally….a dozen red roses (actually a bouquet of used tampons). All of the above items would be gift wrapped with ribbons and fancy wrapping. Cards would be attached reading, “From Your Secret Admirer” or “Missing You”.

All of the items would be shipped from random post offices with no return addresses.

So then, while talking to Manic Mariah about it…we thought about how illegal it would be. We had no clue. I looked it up this morning. After cracking up at some of the search results that came up after typing “What is illegal to send through the mail” into Google…I found that if I were caught, it would be a Federal offense, and that sending human waste/biohazard material is …I’m guessing….not a good move.

Well…That idea is off the books. Back to the drawing board…hmmmmmm

You guys have any good ideas for me?

Posted By BedsideTalesMan

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Pimp That Ride - Obama Style

WTF!!!!!! Things are getting a bit out of control...but then much fun could you have with a "Beast" like this?

I'd love to hear what your favorite attribute of the car is...mine is its explosive excelleration - 0 to 60 in 15 THAT IS HOT!!!

I got this AP story from US News.

Details Emerge on Obama's New Limo
Posted: Jan. 21, 2009 11:01 a.m.

You could outrun Barack Obama's new ride in a Smart Fortwo, but that's alright. Cadillac One isn't designed to get away from incidents at high speed, but to survive anything...anything...and to shoot back.
The newest Presidential Limousine weighs more than 5,000 pounds, goes from zero to sixty in a leisurely 15 seconds, and has a top speed of just sixty mph. But eight-inch thick ballistic armored doors, hermetically-sealed windows of five-inch thick bulletproof glass, and a five-inch thick armor plate underneath make it more impervious to blasts than many tanks. Other unique features, according to Jalopnik, include a gas tank "filled with a specially designed foam which prevents it from exploding even if it suffers a direct hit," tear gas cannons and shotguns built into the doors, and "bottles of the President's own blood, kept on board in case he needs an emergency transfusion."
And those are just the features they tell us about...if those are even true.
The Detroit Free Press reports, "A small team of General Motors designers and engineers" were "part of an insulated group of GM employees who received classified clearance to work on the all-new Cadillac presidential limousine, which was delivered to the Secret Service about eight weeks ago." The car "was designed, developed and tested by specialists who adhered to an extensive set of specifications and followed a rigorous testing regimen. Security measures were undertaken at all times during development."
The U.K.'s Telegraph claims, "The rear passenger area includes an extensive executive compartment with ample seating space, outward visibility and useful mobile office features. Much of the finishing is hand-cut and sewn. An embroidered presidential seal is positioned in the centre of the rear seat back panel, as well as on each rear door trim panel."
Popular Mechanics notes, "Secrecy abounds about the latest POTUS ride," but speculates that Obama's ride is the first diesel-powered Presidential limo. "The engine may be GM's familiar 6.6-liter Duramax turbodiesel V8, or it could be some even more powerful diesel build for large commercial trucks. While the chassis, suspension and drivetrain of the new limousine is all new, most of the body seems to derive directly from the previous DeVille and DTS limousines. However the styling has been revised using pieces from Cadillac's current line. For instance, the headlights, side view mirrors and door handles all come from the Escalade SUV. Meanwhile, the taillights, rear back up lights and third brake light all come from the STS sedan."
Whatever it is, The AP reports, the Secret Service has a nickname for the new car: "The Beast."

My Balls

As a stay at home dad, I do have a lot of the same concerns, issues and interactions as many of the mommy bloggers out there….BUT…I also have balls…these balls that sway between my thighs send messages to my brain on a continual basis that help me to realize that things such as shopping, cute baby pictures, shoes, malls, brunch with friends and movies like ‘The Notebook’ or “when Harry Met Sally’ are just NOT what I should be blogging or worrying about.

My Balls tell me to pay a bit more attention to; love, sex, hot women, fast cars, fishing, camping, the NFL, poker, action movies (with lots of guns), being ‘king’ of my world, protecting and caring for my family, ….oh…..and beer!

Twisted as women think men are…we, as parents, strive for the same things (I think). It is just that we travel differing paths to get there. Men, well….shit….I’ll talk for myself. I seem to take the most difficult, but exciting paths…anything to add adventure and adrenaline to my journey. Women on the other hand, generally tend to take that meandering, path that moves slowly past the flowers and the pretty houses.

So, all in all…don’t be haters ladies. Love us for the end goals…not the path that we take to get there. Remember it is not us that chooses the path…it is our balls. The balls that provide you with pleasure and children…I assure you…you would hate us without them!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A New Begining

As the first post on this new blog, I thought it would be a good idea to shove in your face the reason behind starting this blog. With the enormous amount of mommy bloggers out there…we…the Y chromosomes need to have a voice. As the hottest dads on the internet, we are here to fill you in on all things in dad’s world. Parenting, guy time, the man’s view, sex, women, family, kids, hobbies, etc. are among the topics that we will be writing about.

The main mission here is to create a central place where dads, who want to be heard, can voice there opinions - while also giving the disgustingly huge community of mommy bloggers a place to hear what us guys have to say about parenting and life.

I hope to be able to round up some of the web’s hottest daddy bloggers as contributors so that we have hot fresh and interesting content every day.

If any of you have suggestions on bloggers that you feel would be a good fit…please let me know…or have them email me.
Related Posts with Thumbnails