I May Be 30... But I Need My Nub Nub

It's been a rough day.

First of all, when I got up this morning, I realized that my DVR did not record "Sister Wives", a show about a dude with four wives.

Then... I came to find out we were out of Rice Krispies.

Then... I had an accident in my pants.

Then I cried an endless waterfall of tears.

"It's gonna be one of those days!" I thought to myself, "Good thing I got this"!

I reached into my pocket and drew out my best trusted friend to whom I resort to when days begin to look as though they're sliding into the pit of Hades: a faded green pacifier.

"Hello old friend" I said as I cradled it gingerly almost expecting it to respond back to me. "When everything else fails... I can always depend on you!" I said as I popped the bulb of the pacifier in-between my lips and then began frantically sucking away the pain of the day.

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You may think this is strange and ask me, "Why are you, A GROWN MAN, sucking on a pacifier?" Well... my mother never weaned me off of it and before she knew it I had moved out of the house using my "Nub Nub" to help get me through the stressful moments in life.

Who was there for my end of semester finals? Nub Nub.

Who was there when my college girlfriend broke up with me? Nub Nub.

Who was there after I killed that hobo and feared I was going to get caught? Nub Nub.

Who's been there through 11 years of the Texas Rangers not being in the playoffs? Nub Nub



Watching close games stress me out. Who's there for me? Nub Nub.

So... you can imagine the kind of rift this created in my relationship with Bunny when I pulled Nub Nub out after our first major argument.

"What are you doing? Is that... a pacifier?"

"NO! THITH ITH NUB NUB!! AND HETH THE ONLY ONE WHO CARETH ABOUT ME!!" I screamed around Nub Nub who I held so delicately between my teeth.

"HA! Are you a man... or are you a baby?" she responded while simultaneously yanking Nub Nub between my pursed lips.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Give it back poo-poo face!" I screamed again before close-lining her then slamming her to the floor in order to wrench Nub Nub from her vice-like grip. I sure as hell knew that I wasn't no baby!

So don't judge me. I may be the largest person you've ever seen sucking on a pacifier... but it's my own business. My mommy never told me I had to give it up... so I'll give it up when I'm ready.

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Post Post Disclaimer: if you didn't notice my complete and total sarcasm... then you are indeed a complete moron.

On a more serious note: what's your thought on pacifiers? Should kids be allowed to decide when they don't want a pacifier any more? Or should there be some rules established i.e. "only a nap-time" or "only at bed-time" or "pretty much whenever they scream loud enough?" Or do you have no rules i.e. "Let them suck on that thing until they're 30 years old... like Papa K!"

I'm interested on starting a heated debate... make my wishes come true.

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Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

The Comprehensive Guide To Gang Sign Language

Der was a time when me and ma homeys would post up at da Baby Gap and scare da mamas and da babies wit our scary gang sign language. If youz every seen any one of deez signs and wonder “AY… wut dat mean?” Well… now youz know.

*West Side*:



Notic how da hand look like a "W"... that means "West Side" aight!

*East Side*:



Notic how da hand look like a "E"... that mean "East Side" yeaaahhh boooooyeee!

*Bloods*:



Dis one aways take a minit tuh do...



Dere. See how it spel B-L-O-O-D. Yeh. You know it.

*Say There… I Think I’m Going To Shoot You With My Gun*:



See's how if youse pretand like ma hands a gun id be pointin' it right at yo ugly FACE YO!! You skered? Yeah... dat's whut I thought...

*You Better Move It There Buster... I'm A Bad Man*:



Yo. If youse see me comin' atcha like dis... you best move yo-self or I run you ovah son.

*I Say... I’m A Bit Sleepy*:



See hows ma hands in front uh my mouth like I'm yawning? Dat means I sleepy yo. Probly cuz I busted to many skulls dat day.

*A Bird Just Pooped On My Head*:



Yo. Dis ain't cool. If youse see my hand on my head and my head lookin' at the sky yo... it probly mean sum bird pooped on my cranium yo! That son of a bitch bird. I'll bash it wit my weapons if I eva see it again...

*Someone Just Shot And/Or Stabbed Me*:



If you see dis... youse haf to call 911. If you see dis... it mean one of mah enemes stabbed me wit a blade or shot me wit a gun yo! Totally not cool wen I ain't looking. Totally bogus... er... whack.

*I Am Going To Go Crochet Now*:



YO SHUT YO MOUTH YO!! Erey gangsta gotta haf sometin to pass da time son! Don't be hatin'! I know you only wish yo had haf the crochet skills I got yo! I cud crochet you mouth shut if yo don't check yo self!

*Where’s The Bathroom*:



Oh crap. Sumtims I got a terd playin' peek a boo brotha and I got's to go NOW SON!! WHERE DA BATHROOM AT SERIUSLY!!

*Don’t Bother Me Right Now… I’m Reading*



Even gangsta gotta get there read on homey. Dis one's 'bout learnin' to poop.

Soes… I juz tell u dis so youz know whut weez sayin’ if you walk by me. Don be skered jus cuz I got's scary glasses and one arm in my t shert... If you cool with me... I cool with you mama.

Peace homey. Ima go back tuh chillin' wit my ho.

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Come visit me and read a bunch of other crap here: Hands To War.

The Papa K Home Workout

If you’re like a lot people… you find it hard to make it to the gym every day. Maybe you had to work late. Maybe you had to meet a client after normal working hours. Maybe you ran over a homeless man in your car. Maybe you couldn’t wait any longer to get that sex change operation. Maybe you just urinated in your big boy pants. Maybe you can't afford those high priced "at-home gyms"!

Believe it or not... this one folds up nicely and can be placed in your garage. You'll only have to give up TWO parking spaces!

Or maybe you can't afford to have this chick to scream at you all the time...

Jillian Michaels tells a Biggest Loser contestant to slim down or she will punch her in the necks

Whatever the reason… here are some simple exercises you can do at home to get yourself that body you always wanted... and you don't have to spend ANY MONEY!!!

BUT FIRST... ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO STRETCH

Touch your toes

Jog in place

Pull your face back

Rip your scrotum doing the splits

NOW THAT YOU'RE WARM, AND YOUR SCROTUM IS FOREVER TORN IN TWO... YOU'RE READY TO BEGIN

Push-ups (works your chest, biceps, triceps)

Push yourself up... then let yourself down. Repeat 300 times.

Sit-ups (works your abs)

Sit on the floor with you hands behind your head. Lower yourself to the floor using your abs then back up again. Repeat 5000 times.

Triceps Extension w/ Dog (triceps)

Find a small dog (or one you're able to life above your head), grab in by the front legs and lower behind your head. Slowly extend the dog over your head and *sqeeeeeeeeze* those triceps. Feel the burn. Repeat 800 times.

Bench Press with Pillows (chest)

Find the largest pillow on your couch and press it until you see stars. If you accidentally drop it on your face it won't hurt... because it's a pillow.

Tear a phonebook in half (wrists, forearms)

Tear the largest, fattest phone book you can find IN HALF!!!

... but if you can't... then find something you're more capable of tearing in half... like a page from your wife's day by day calendar.

Blink Hard (eyelids)

Open your eyes as wide as you can... then shut them really hard and fast. This will help you become lightening fast at blinking. Repeat until you cry.

Smell Hard (nose)

Suck in with your nose so hard that you pass out. Then get up and do it again you big pansy.

Couch press (Quads)

Put one end of the couch on your back then slowly squat to the ground and lift yourself back up again. Repeat until you crap your pants.

WARNING: THIS EXERCISE IS DANGEROUS AND COULD RESULT IN YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS ROCKETING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, EARS OR WHATEVER ORIFICE IS CLOSEST!! PLEASE EXERCISE WITH CAUTION!!

Ride your cat (hamstrings, grip)

Ride that buckin' feline until it splits your face in half with its back claws

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Once you're done with these exercises and you heart rate is going at a good steady pace (200-250 beats a minute)... it's always good to cool down. This can be done by putting your hands over your head and walking around for a little bit...

Whew... good workout people...

Or by sticking your ass in the freezer.

This is the part you look forward to for the whole workout people.

Follow these simple exercises with these EVERYDAY ITEMS you have around your house... and with hard work and good genetics... you could just look like Papa K: the gold standard of what every man should look like.

Happy exercises everyone!!

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Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.