Monday, January 31, 2011

Stuff I Learned From My Teens (and I Wish I Hadn't)

Over the weekend, my two teenage sons taught me some sexual lingo I had never heard of. The circumstances for how this conversation came about are irrelevant but once the door was opened with a description of "felching", it was a rush by each of them to share their knowledge of the slang for acts so bizarre, I couldn't help but listen.

Now, I was never the most adventurous fornicator in my youth and that has not changed into adulthood. There are a handful of basic positions that seem to do the job in the Pleasure Department. I have never had the desire to "experiment" to any great degree but, while not being a prude, I don't deny the right of others to practice whatever they want as long as it does no harm to their partner.

Furthermore, I had no reason to believe either boy had any direct experience with any the following but their enthusiasm was matched only by my revulsion as they described:
  • felching: The act of sucking semen from your partner's anus
  • dirty sanchez: The act of wiping your partner's fecal matter across her upper lip
  • donkey punch: The act of punching your partner in the back of the head while penetrating anally, thereby increasing the force of the anal contractions
  • rusty trombone: The act of analingus by while masturbating your partner (mimicking the slide of a trombone with the penis)
As you might guess, the language above is my translation of their description. Once I learned that these acts even exist (and can never unlearn) I had to wonder how a practice I cold never imagine in the first place was common enough to even have a nickname? Should I have come up with any of these, and had the guts to suggest trying it to my partner, I would certainly never share it with the outside world.

However, it would seem that not only are there enough people "doing" them, they occur enough to give them a nickname. Rather than say "He, I took dump on my girlfriend's chest last night," a person need only say " I did a Cleveland Steamer on my girlfriend."

Am I the only one surprised by this?

Read more at Dogs and Jeans

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

That's Just Good Parenting!

Good news everyone! If you have been wondering whether or not you are a good parent, relief is at hand. No more will you worry you are spending too much time at work, or your meals are not as nutritious as they could be. There is freedom from guilt that you haven't taken your kids to Disneyland. If you have been concerned you don't set a good example because you smoke or drink too much. No way could you be the Worst Parent In The World. Octomom is!

Nadya Suleman, the mother of octuplets only a year ago, has decided that raising 14 kids with no income is a terrible idea. So she decided to do something about it. But what to do to raise money... Hmm...

Write a book about the experience. Nope. Too much effort.

Go on the lecture circuit counselling people about the fertility technology abuse. Nah. A person would actually have to have some charisma and appeal to fill a lecture hall.

Eureka! Make a porno!

But not just a regular "naive, pretty girl from a small town comes to the big city and has to have sex in a variety of manners with the director/doctor/fireman/director's wife in order to realize her dream" kind of porno. No. She needs to make a weird fetish porno where she whips and then nurses a guy dressed in a diaper.

Is that filmed in her own house? Is that her actual crib? Where the hell are her kids? Please tell me you at least locked them in the car for the afternoon rather that have then watch these shenanigans!

So there you have it. No matter how much you berate your son for striking out at T-ball, or dress your 3 year old daughter up like a 1930's hooker for the toddler beauty pageant, you are still a better mom that Octomom.

Read more at Dogs & Jeans.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Tips For A Flat Belly!

Many of the web sites I visit, including Facebook, are laced with advertising. Nearly 75% of those ads offer promises of a flat belly. I'm not sure whether Google (or whoever hosts these spots) knows about my body and feeds me the enticing little tidbits, or if 6-pack abs are in such demand, everyone one the Internet sees them.

To better catch my attention, the blurbs feature a sexy girl in a little white top, or a muscly dude with 0% body fat. All you need to do is click on the ad and you should receive the secret the melts away body fat without diet or exercise!

However, all you get is another website full of testimonials about some weird fruit from Africa or South America that transforms your body at a low, low cost. All you need to do is pay the ridiculously high shipping costs! To further their claims, the sites feature before and after photos of people who not only lost 50, 100 or 150 pounds, but reversed their age by as much as 15 years (according to the pictures). To provide a degree of veracity to the claims, the web sites appear to have been features on ABC, NBC and CBS news! So you know it must be true.


There is only one way to lose weight: consume fewer calories than you expend in a day. That's it.

Anyone who tells you different wants your money.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year's Resoltions

If many of you out there are like me (let’s call you the “Lucky Ones”), you have put off making New Year’s Resolutions, such as ‘I will stop procrastinating”. But if you don't want to stare blankly when the same old smug bastards ask “So, have you made any New Year’s Resolutions?”, you'll need to have a response other than looking at the ground with embarrassment and kicking a clod of frozen slush with your worn out sneakers.

You will need Dogs & Jeans trusty Random Resolution Generator (patent pending). It has been scientifically designed (meaning: I thought it up on the bus this morning and asked a couple of homeless guys what they thought) to give you at least three suitable resolutions, no matter how miserable, hopeless or just plain bat-shit crazy you are. Happy New Year!!!

Parental Relations
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. have a sit down dinner with my parents at least once a week.
  2. call my parents at least once a week.
  3. stop wearing my mom’s clothes and finally let the funeral home take her remains.

Intellectual Development
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. enroll in at least one continuing education program at my local community college.
  2. watch at least one series on PBS.
  3. read at least one article in Playboy's "Girls of the Big 10"

Family Relations
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. get involved in an outdoor activity with my kids at least one night a week.
  2. turn off the TV and just talk to my kids at least one night a week.
  3. let the kids out of the basement at least one hour a week for some sunshine.
Spousal Relations
In 2011 I resolve to:

  1. tell my spouse “I love you” at least once a day.
  2. do something nice for my spouse without being asked at least once a week.
  3. cut back sleeping with my neighbor’s spouse to only once a month.
Career Management
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. work late one day a week to demonstrate my commitment to the company.
  2. finish at least one special project for my boss.
  3. limit surfing for porn at the office to only three hours per day.

Spiritual Development
In 2011 I resolve to:

  1. attend my local church or synagogue at least once a month
  2. attend a service of a faith I don't belong to
  3. stop fantasizing about nuns when I abuse myself

Health and Fitness
In 2011 I resolve to:

  1. train for and complete at least one marathon or 10K race.
  2. participate in a fitness class at least twice a week.
  3. eat no more donuts than my body weight.
Money Management
In 2011 I resolve to:
  1. save 10% of every pay cheque.
  2. pay my credit cards off in full each month.
  3. marry someone stinking rich no matter how repulsive (or what gender) they are.

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