Sunday slides, Funnies, Caption contest

Little Robert attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Robert asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Robert, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

hehe

1. I hope I'm the first one t the privy! I don't wanna haveta poop on the bottom!


2. Oh yeah it ain't even close!


3. I think I ate hee and swilled much beer here, well thats my best guess after waking up!


Very important information has just been made public that I think is something you should all be aware of: Gonorrhea Lectim. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008 ..... but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out! You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012, and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey , and now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall. Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

Amen to that!

4. My kids understand this truth!


5. I think I could pass these out by the tub full.
6. Do y'all rad a lot of blogs? These chicks are out there! Be careful!

7. BWahahahahahahhahaah

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room.
She said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used
his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in
your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,
you scared the shit out of him!"

acccccccccck that's just wrong!



Caption contest!!! Give it a shot!


Y'all have a big ole Sunday, maybe it won't rain out the race!

Go see what the Real World has going on!


<<< NSFW pics here.

Happy Is As Happy Does

Happiness – it is one of mankind’s emotions that can’t be explained in any set way. Everyone reads and expressed happiness in a different way.

I know that for me, I see true happiness only in a person’s eyes. They can speak cheerfully…and still not truly be happy. They can walk with a ‘pep in their step’…but may just be suffering from ADHD. They can smile, give a high five or even compliment someone…but still not be happy on the inside.

I guess there might be something to that old adage “the eyes are the windows to the soul.” When I look into someone’s eyes…I can instantly tell if they are happy, sad, scared, angry or confused.

One of the things I love most in life is looking someone in the eye and seeing pure joy and happiness flickering around like a star-filled night…right there in their eyes.

The downside to all of this is the fact that when I look into people’s eyes…and do not see the happiness sparkling around…it makes me sad…or confused as to my possible involvement in their unhappiness. It also makes me feel as though I should try to help them…do something to make them happy.

It is one of those things that I consider to be like the yawning contagion … being around unhappy people …and seemingly not being able to help fix their situation…tends to suck the sparkle from my eyes. I end up not looking at people’s eyes, walking like a freakin sloth and battling with how I make myself once again happy.

Since I don’t know where this is going…if anywhere…I’ll just say that for anyone who is or plans on being around me…..BE HAPPY and let your eyes sparkle!!!!!!

When a mistress goes from "victim" to "target"

"I want to say to the rest of the country, 'Stop taking it out on the mistresses and start taking it out on the men who are cheating on their wives.' Why are these men getting off scot free while the mistresses are considered whores, and we're stepped on and we're booed and we're called nasty names? It's the man's responsibility, they're the ones in the marriage, they need to keep their vows. It's very easy to say, 'You know what I'm a married man.' They can easily walk away." - Michelle "Bombshell" McGee

This quote really bothers me.

For those unaware, McGee is the original mistress of Jesse James who crawled out of the woodwork to tell the world that she was sleeping with Sandra Bullock's husband. She then went on to say that she did it all because of the potential money that she'd earn from telling the story. Now she's wondering why she's the one being attacked.

I can tell you why...she's a whore.

And no, she's not a whore because she slept with a married man. This is absolutely James' fault because he was the married man and couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Much like Tiger Woods, he deserves every bit of the ridicule that has been thrown his way. The guy didn't just make a mistake and cheat on his wife once...he cheated multiple times with multiple partners, showing a complete and utter lack of respect for his spouse. He's slimy and has earned his new reputation for being as such.

No...McGee is a whore because she's whoring herself out for a few bucks. She didn't tell her story to simply break the news to help out Bullock in any way. She waited until Bullock won her Academy Award and rode that wave of high-profile fan-love until, like a viper, she struck at the most opportune time. She went out of her way to hurt Bullock in the worst way imaginable for her own personal gain.

And she's surprised at why the media and the public is attacking her.

Here's the thing...people can see through bullshit. And if you're going to break the news to the world that you're sleeping with a married man, and that married man is married to one of the most beloved celebrities in the country, and you're selling this story for money...then you better be prepared for the storm of attention that comes your way.

The primary victim here? The person who was actually cheated on. Sandra Bullock...Elin Woods...these are the women who were cheated on multiple times by their asshole spouses. They are the people who don't deserve this attention on them...and for the most part, the tabloid websites have been quite kind to them.

The secondary victims? Yes...the mistresses. Let's be honest, 90% of the mistresses of both Woods and James knew EXACTLY what they were getting themselves into...and they can cry and whine to the media all they want about how they were treated, but the fact of the matter is that they knowingly slept with married celebrities. So I have zero sympathy for them. Sell your stories to the tabloids and go away.

But yes, there are some mistresses who don't like being called that. They were "girlfriends" of James and Woods...they were told, and believed, that there were marriage issues and were seriously hurt when the truth was finally revealed. So I absolutely feel for these women as they were lied to by two unbelievable douchebag cheaters.

So when does one turn from being a "victim" to being a "target"? Do you feel sorry for Bombshell McGee? What about any of Tiger's girls on the side? Do they deserve sympathy? If so, which ones? All of them?

Sunday Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.
They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

1. My #1 fave dining establishment and activity!

2. I need this mud flap!

3. bwhahahahahahaahahha

4. So true!



A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talkin to the guy on yer lap!!!!

5. PSA, Milk DOES do a body good, who knew?


6. fail indeed!



Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed.

He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically,
'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says
mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

7. WTF is right!




Caption Contest!! Give it a shot in the comments.

There ya go. Try the caption contest, steal the pics if you want and have a big ole Sunday!

I got Funked!!

As I woke up this morning and …well, after driving the kids to school…had some coffee, I realized that my ‘morning funk’ would not go away.

I hate that little funk that just won’t fade. It is so hard to shake. It’s like a back ache…a constant bother that gets worse when you try to fix it. I have been mulling around this morning trying to get to the bottom of my funk…and all that is doing is making me think of all of the little things that are bugging me, the fact that I still can’t find a job, that I am unwillingly still married to my ex, that we have to put down one of our dogs, that relationships are not always a bed of roses, that I am getting old…you get my point.
I am now thinking that if I had never tried to ‘get to the bottom’ of my funk…it would have been long gone by now.

Anyone have ‘funk remedies’?

Kissing and Cooking - Which Really Lasts?

Remember the old adage: Kissing don’t last, cookery do! The intent of the message was that men (back in the day) did well to marry a sturdy woman who knew her way around the kitchen. If he married a woman for looks (and kisses), the love would fade over time and wouldn’t sustain him. Good cooking, on the other hand, lasted a lifetime.

To which I say hogwash. And not just because of the sexist connotations that women should cook for their men.

As a man who was married for ten years and divorced just as long, I can tell you, the kissing and cooking adage is crap.

Cooking doesn’t necessarily last in a marriage. I cooked plenty in the early years of my marriage. And during that last year before my wife and divorced, she wasn't cooking up a storm. She and I were in avoidance mode. I’d go to work early and she’d stay at work late. And guess who cooked dinner? Moi. (I also cooked some amount in the early days of our marriage.)

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. To which I say – who cares? Now that I’m divorced, I cook for myself almost every night. Whether I’m making my mom’s chicken and dumplings recipe, grilling a salmon, cooking swiss chard, or cooking beets. I’ve learned my way around the kitchen, by necessity.

Divorce will do that, especially when you’re a single dad raising kids. You can’t eat out every night.

As for the kissing not lasting? Sadly, that part of the adage was true for me. The kissing (and sex) fell to the wayside at the end of my marriage, and have proven hard to replace. I’ve had girlfriends post-divorce, and I’ve enjoyed my share of hook-ups and one-night stands. But daily hugs and kisses have proven a thing of the past. And hugs and kisses and spooning are some of the things I miss the most.

(Props to any married couple that has kept the love and sex and kisses and hugs alive throughout the years. And if you're married and not doing that? You should!!!!)

So next time I find a woman to be my partner and join me in my home, I’m going to toss that old adage out the window. I want kissing that will last. As for the cooking – I’ll just keep on doing it myself.


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Insects and Mass Suicide

Lately, I have witnessed a very odd phenomenon around the house. Over the past few days, as I walk around the house, lethargic flies have been catching my eye. I saw one on the stairs, a few in the kitchen…each day I saw several in different parts of the house. At one point I went and got the fly swatter and snuck up on a group of 6 flies. I splatted one, expecting the others to take off, but they didn’t…they just sat there awaiting their impending demise.

Today, I was sweeping the house and before I was half way done, I had swept up almost a dozen flies. Some of them were dead, some seemed dazed…yet others just sat there and let me sweep them into the dust pan.

I have never seen anything like this before and have absolutely no idea what the heck is going on.

Is there something deadly to flies in the air? Did the flies get into a bottle of booze? Are they laying eggs around the house and then dying? Do they fear my swatting accuracy so much that they just give up when they see me coming?

Have any of you ever seen such a thing? Any ideas of what supernatural occurrence is going on in my house?

Oh…and the other day while we were all at the beach, I witnessed another thing that I had never seen before…Hundreds of lady bugs in the sand right at the water’s edge. Christie and Megan spent about an hour collecting them and “saving their lives” while I pondered what the hell was going on. Why were they at the beach? In the sand, getting washed in and out by the surf?

Maybe the lady bugs and flies sense an earthquake or some other impending doom that we can’t. Maybe there is some insect mass suicide ritual going on…I have no clue.

Someone please answer these questions for me so that I can get on with my life and stop wasting my days trying to figure this all out.