Sunday Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.
They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

1. My #1 fave dining establishment and activity!

2. I need this mud flap!

3. bwhahahahahahaahahha

4. So true!



A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talkin to the guy on yer lap!!!!

5. PSA, Milk DOES do a body good, who knew?


6. fail indeed!



Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed.

He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically,
'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says
mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

7. WTF is right!




Caption Contest!! Give it a shot in the comments.

There ya go. Try the caption contest, steal the pics if you want and have a big ole Sunday!

I got Funked!!

As I woke up this morning and …well, after driving the kids to school…had some coffee, I realized that my ‘morning funk’ would not go away.

I hate that little funk that just won’t fade. It is so hard to shake. It’s like a back ache…a constant bother that gets worse when you try to fix it. I have been mulling around this morning trying to get to the bottom of my funk…and all that is doing is making me think of all of the little things that are bugging me, the fact that I still can’t find a job, that I am unwillingly still married to my ex, that we have to put down one of our dogs, that relationships are not always a bed of roses, that I am getting old…you get my point.
I am now thinking that if I had never tried to ‘get to the bottom’ of my funk…it would have been long gone by now.

Anyone have ‘funk remedies’?

Kissing and Cooking - Which Really Lasts?

Remember the old adage: Kissing don’t last, cookery do! The intent of the message was that men (back in the day) did well to marry a sturdy woman who knew her way around the kitchen. If he married a woman for looks (and kisses), the love would fade over time and wouldn’t sustain him. Good cooking, on the other hand, lasted a lifetime.

To which I say hogwash. And not just because of the sexist connotations that women should cook for their men.

As a man who was married for ten years and divorced just as long, I can tell you, the kissing and cooking adage is crap.

Cooking doesn’t necessarily last in a marriage. I cooked plenty in the early years of my marriage. And during that last year before my wife and divorced, she wasn't cooking up a storm. She and I were in avoidance mode. I’d go to work early and she’d stay at work late. And guess who cooked dinner? Moi. (I also cooked some amount in the early days of our marriage.)

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. To which I say – who cares? Now that I’m divorced, I cook for myself almost every night. Whether I’m making my mom’s chicken and dumplings recipe, grilling a salmon, cooking swiss chard, or cooking beets. I’ve learned my way around the kitchen, by necessity.

Divorce will do that, especially when you’re a single dad raising kids. You can’t eat out every night.

As for the kissing not lasting? Sadly, that part of the adage was true for me. The kissing (and sex) fell to the wayside at the end of my marriage, and have proven hard to replace. I’ve had girlfriends post-divorce, and I’ve enjoyed my share of hook-ups and one-night stands. But daily hugs and kisses have proven a thing of the past. And hugs and kisses and spooning are some of the things I miss the most.

(Props to any married couple that has kept the love and sex and kisses and hugs alive throughout the years. And if you're married and not doing that? You should!!!!)

So next time I find a woman to be my partner and join me in my home, I’m going to toss that old adage out the window. I want kissing that will last. As for the cooking – I’ll just keep on doing it myself.


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Insects and Mass Suicide

Lately, I have witnessed a very odd phenomenon around the house. Over the past few days, as I walk around the house, lethargic flies have been catching my eye. I saw one on the stairs, a few in the kitchen…each day I saw several in different parts of the house. At one point I went and got the fly swatter and snuck up on a group of 6 flies. I splatted one, expecting the others to take off, but they didn’t…they just sat there awaiting their impending demise.

Today, I was sweeping the house and before I was half way done, I had swept up almost a dozen flies. Some of them were dead, some seemed dazed…yet others just sat there and let me sweep them into the dust pan.

I have never seen anything like this before and have absolutely no idea what the heck is going on.

Is there something deadly to flies in the air? Did the flies get into a bottle of booze? Are they laying eggs around the house and then dying? Do they fear my swatting accuracy so much that they just give up when they see me coming?

Have any of you ever seen such a thing? Any ideas of what supernatural occurrence is going on in my house?

Oh…and the other day while we were all at the beach, I witnessed another thing that I had never seen before…Hundreds of lady bugs in the sand right at the water’s edge. Christie and Megan spent about an hour collecting them and “saving their lives” while I pondered what the hell was going on. Why were they at the beach? In the sand, getting washed in and out by the surf?

Maybe the lady bugs and flies sense an earthquake or some other impending doom that we can’t. Maybe there is some insect mass suicide ritual going on…I have no clue.

Someone please answer these questions for me so that I can get on with my life and stop wasting my days trying to figure this all out.

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption contest

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

How true is that?

1. That is something the Feds would say right there.


2. Nothing truer has ever been said.



Wine doesn't make you fat.......
it makes you LEAN.......
Against tables, chairs, floors,
walls and ugly people!!!

3. Do it El Tigre!


4. hehehe
5. I think it is!


Women Are Evil By Nature

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes... I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth

And allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

6. This would be true but the I can't tell which'n is the female cause neither of their mouths are open.


7. For true!


FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE

SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.







It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking !







1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9



2) Multiply by 3

then



3) Add 3



4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)





5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit

number....



6) Add the digits together



Now Scroll down











With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:















AMAZING















1. Einstein



2. Oprah Winfrey



3. Snoopy



4. Bill Clinton



5. Bill Gates



6. Gandhi



7. Ronald Reagan



8. Babe Ruth



9. ME! =]

10. John F. Kennedy

There ya go, but I already knew everyone wanted to be me!!!

Caption contest! Surely y'all have something for this!



Go see what the Real World has going on!


Pics and funnies NSFW in Sageville today too!

TentCamper's Beatdown

I know that it is going to go against my ‘manly’ reputation as a Hot Dad, but I have to level with you all.

I have been holding back for quite some time. Stuffing my feelings and playing the tough guy role…when the reality is that I am crushed. I feel like a broken man.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here…I love Mariah and her kids and the rest of her family. I want to be with them forever. The thing that is missing is MY boys. This past Monday morning is the first time I’d seen them since January 3rd. I have only spent 2 weekends with them since the end of November.

I am sickened. I feel like crying, throwing up or curling up into a little ball. I miss them so very much that it hurts to think about. I try to put it out of my mind and go on with things until the courts get things straightened out, but I am only fooling myself. Every day I want to just sit and cry. I know that I can’t keep up this charade for long.

On Monday I only saw them briefly as we were all at the court house for a custody evaluation and the joy that overtook my whole body was overwhelming. I almost burst into tears…but I did not want them to think something was wrong.

Now I know that with Mariah and her/our kids, my job search and coaching high school lacrosse, my days get busy and things have a tendency to be hectic. It seems to be easy to busy myself with things enough not to dwell too much or hide in a closet to cry and feel sorry for myself. But I can’t seem to be able to shake the feeling of teetering on the edge of a breakdown.

I know that I am needed in this house and that Mariah and the kids need me. I can’t let things fall apart. I hold it together and push on. The sad thing is that every minute of down time or times that I am not running around…all I do is think about how much I love and want to be with my boys.

Now, I know that I have been on here bad-mouthing my ex and talking about how she is to blame for me not seeing the boys…I am done with that. I know that I have done wrong and I understand why she hates me. I get why she is not a fan of Mariah…but I want things to be better. I want to be a big part of my boys’ lives and want to put all of this hostility, emotional strain and mental anguish behind me.

I know that I am rambling (in circles) but I truly feel lost within myself. I don’t feel that I have the strength to fight all of this much longer. Fighting with my ex, the nauseating pain I feel not seeing my boys, being 100% there for Mariah and the kids, lacrosse, etc. I sometimes feel like I am losing the battle and that I’d be better off choosing one or the other.

I know that that is not a valid thought, but it is there anyway.

I know that I am a good man. I know that I am a good and capable father. I know that I am doing my best. I know that I am able to bring happiness to many people in my life….all of this and I still feel ….beaten.

The Double Down Is Real!

Last summer I posted on my blog that KFC was test marketing a gastronomical abomination called the Double Down. 

I guess enough people seemed to like it because it's become a reality.  Because what we need in this world is way to make some of the world's unhealthiest fast food that much more unhealthy.

So...will you try it?