Dr. CBG: Guys…what NOT to do.

Call me Dr. CBG.

And today, I have scoured the internet looking for love tips for you, the men of the Blogosphere. What I've come up with is ten sure-fire tips for guys on things NOT to do.

Trust me…you'll thank me later:

1. Don't commit to a relationship too quickly. Men sometimes have the tendency to make a big deal out of first dates that they enjoy, so if you do that then your potential partner might feel pressured and thus create discomfort and uneasiness. Man, if I had a nickel for every woman I've made uneasy...
   
2. Don't never commit to anything. Dudes, my poor grammatical skills aside, if you can't make some type of commitment then your potential partner may feel like there's no hope for a future. Smarten-up. Not every woman wants a booty-call.
   
3. Brush your teeth. C'mon guys…no woman wants to kiss a guy with skunk breath. Keep a piece of gum or a mint handy. Jeez…have a bit of class, ya skunky bastard.
   
4. Stop showing off. Sure, if I had a million dollars I'd probably flaunt it a bit…but women don't want to hear all about your yacht or your abs or your big-ass bank account. The bald middle-aged pudgy white guy sitting at the next table over-hearing your stories don't want to hear your stories, either. Just STFU.
   
5. Women don't like farting. Well…most women, anyway. So stop it. And don't tell fart jokes, either. What's the matter with you?
   
6. Nobody wants to hear about your ex. I know your past relationship sucked. I mean hell…you're single for a reason, right? But guess what, Skippy? That woman you're with doesn't want to hear you bad-mouth your ex. Just STFU (kind of a running theme today). If you're asked, then tell. Just keep it reasonable and don't embellish.
   
7. Don't push her head "down below". I hate to burst your bubble, guys…but sex in the bedroom isn't always a real-life porno. If a woman wants to mouth-tackle the twig-n-berries, she'll do it on her own or (better yet) maybe if you ask her nicely.
   
8. Ask for f*cking directions! The GPS isn't perfect and you're not on the Amazing Race. Swallow some of that pride and just ask somebody where the hell you're supposed to go.
   
9. Soap. Learn it. Spell it. Use it.
   
10. Umm…women are allowed to orgasm, too. You'll get your turn; stop being so damn greedy.
    

So there you have it...your top ten love tips for men. Pretty amazing ground-breaking stuff, right? Well, I'm also available for one-on-one tutoring sessions and bar mitzvahs.

Ladies...any more suggestions?

Scars

There is a scar on my chin, although you can’t see it underneath my beard. It is a souvenir of a time when I was young and reckless. I got it falling off my bike headfirst as I carelessly zoomed down the steep hill where I lived as a kid. 25 stitches later, it left a jagged scar that although has faded over time, reminds me that sometimes you need to slow down and pay attention to the world around you.

I have two circular scars on the back of my right hand, which I told people was from a street hockey incident at summer camp. However, they are actually the result of having a series of warts burned off that mysteriously kept reappearing during my last year of junior high. For years, I didn’t have the self-confidence to admit to anyone what had truly caused the scars.

My other scar is not prominent. It’s a little white line near the fingernail of my index finger that I received while trying to cut through a super ball with a pocket knife, even though my dad had warned me not to. I had to spend the evening with him in the emergency room, enduring his silent but piercing “I told you so” stare. That scar is a reminder that my father is a wise man to whom I should pay attention.

My collection of scars is small. And while they don’t come with any truly great stories, each permanent mark on my body serves as a reminder of who I was and what I’ve learned along the way.

Scars can reveal a lot about a person. So what scars do you have and what stories do they tell about you?

Divorce Court Update

Knowing you all the way I do, I knew that you would all want to hear about my most recent visit to divorce court.

To set this up, I’ll tell you that the date was to discuss a modification to the current visitation orders and to address the contempt charges that I filed against my ex for not allowing me to see my boys.

Upon arriving at court, I was directed to the mediation office, which I knew was a joke because there is no way in hell that my ex would agree on anything that I propose…especially it meant more time for me.

After waiting there for about 20 minutes and …her not showing up, they sent me up to the court room. I checked in and had a seat. After a good 45 minutes of listening to the smug attorneys sharing stories about their weekends and caseloads, my case was called.

The judge asked us all to identify ourselves – and as HER attorney was introducing himself, he stated that he was only representing her for the modification and not for the contempt charges. The judge looked up and said that she needed to have an attorney for the contempt arraignment and that she may have to be appointed to the public defenders office. I knew that meant everything would be delayed…once again.

Then her attorney stated that she could not go to mediation or proceed with the modification hearing as her Fifth Amendment rights might be violated. What the fuck is that? I explained to the judge that I have only seen my boys twice since the end of November and that I wanted the visitations back on track. The judge agreed and stated that the current visitation order would remain in effect until we went back to court.

Additionally, my ex’s attorney asked the courts for approval on having the case examined by a child custody evaluator. The judge agreed and told us that it would cost us each an additional $400. Out of my $150 that I have…it is gonna be quite the struggle.

So now I have to wait until April 5th to go see the evaluator and then back to court April 27th. This has all dragged on MAY of 2006! I am so sick of all of this bull shit! I even received an email from my ex stating that she would “make this divorce as long, drawn out and irritating as possible for me.”
Excuse my language…but … What a fucking cunt!!!!

Anyway, as I have been doing this whole thing without an attorney…I think it is time that I slap her in the face with my balls a bit. (meaning … me getting representation.)

Other than that…cuz I know she is going to read this…
You look like shit. You have gained at least 100 pounds. Your smug attitude is laughable and your attorney looks, stumbles and walks like a freakin hobo.

Sage on Sex, come on you KNOW you wanna

Ok I thought I'd let those of y'all that don't know it get in on the goodness. There is yet another blog I contribute to Real World Venus Mars that is a bunch of bloggers talking about relationship issues. Well today one of my posts is scheduled. We don't get to many male voices and of course we are always looking for new female voices to opine. This post should maybe make you snigger, or at least grin. Hit it up and say it!!!!


Topic: My spouse is a Morning/Night intimate person, I'm a Morning/Night (opposite) intimate person we make sex/intimacy work by doing this...

First and foremost lets establish this un-deniable fact. I HAVE NO PREFERRED TIME! Anytime, every time and all the time. I'm game on. I mean I'm By God for it whenever wherever. If she even hints like she might be the slightest bit interested I'm all over that like a rooster on a June bug. You know those folks that have dogs that will ummmmm be intimate with the leg of a stranger??? Just sayin...................

Thats the first paragraph........ the rest is HERE.

Come on you can do it, if they won't let you in the password is "Sage isa Hottie".

Ask Hot Dads

b mari asked:

Ok, so here it goes... There's this hot, single, dad, at work, that I was just kind of friends with, in fact, not even attracted to until one night. That one night I was a lil tipsy and flirt-texted him. Ha! He texted back. So....we set a date for a night (he was willing to travel nearly 2hrs to my place) --and what do you know? It was extremely amazing! --It was amazing from the moment he walked in and all the way to the bedroom. Anyway, afterward we talked about our upbringing, family, his daughter etc and it turns out we have a lot more in common than we thought. We fell asleep in each others arms and since then have seen each other 2 more times. He knows I would like to start a relationship, but he said he wasn't good relationship material. --The thing is that we always end up talking about our families and it makes me think otherwise.... About me, I'm about 6 yrs older than him, don't want any kids and don't have any (though I looove them), and he had a vasectomy (his daughter is 12).... --LOL....my question now is how much did you share about yourself to your "bootycalls?" Did you ever see yourself with any one them?

Is there even a remote chance with him? Should I just keep hoping? Or just let it go? p.s......I'm sooooo willing to drive to him... --Oh, and I know he more than likes me because one of his good friends gave me the "411" on him. --He says he just doesn't have time....


says: Well, I’ll start by saying that I never shared too much with any of my past ‘bootycalls’…cuz that was just what they were. We were just in it for the sex…nothing more.

Regarding your situation, I’d say that it is a tough one. I would ask you why you don’t want kids. That statement and the fact that he has a 12 year old daughter don’t mix too well. At that age, she’ll need a mother figure in her life.

Maybe he says that he is not good relationship material because he just wants to be single. I think that it is a discussion that you will have to have with him. Keep it (the feelings) out in the open…otherwise one of you will get hurt. It is easy for one side of a relationship to grow closer and the other remains …’bootycall’ status.

With a child in the situation it has to be all or nothing. You have to fully commit…so make sure you know what you want before discussing it with him.


says: Well it depends on what you want. If you want a relationship and he does not then you are fishin in the wrong pond it seems. Talk to him about it. Ask. If ain't in then know its only for sex. Go when you want him to hit it, get dressed and leave. His perfect scenario is for you to like him a lot and him to be disconnected. Then he can hit it whenever he wants and he can always say "hey I told you this was just about sex."

It would seem to me though that most relationships start with either or both parties not looking for a long term relationship. So it has to start somewhere. I might not usually start yelling "go big Daddy" but some do. So it can go from booty call to love and such.

Good luck.


Sounds to me like he's politely trying to tell you that he's interested in you for an occasional booty call/friends-with-benefits kind of thing. Maybe you're reading too much into the pillow talk? I know you said that his friend said otherwise, but his actions speak louder than his friends words, it seems like.

You say that he's a co-worker but also that he's 2 hrs away. Different offices within the same company? I wonder if the idea of a long-distance relationship isn't what he's looking for and all of this is a cover story.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

It's simple, though I'm afraid it's not the answer you want to hear...he doesn't want a relationship. The conversations could be great and he could make gestures that seem like it's moving towards a relationship, but he told you where he stands. You might be trying to tell yourself that he'll change his mind the more time you spend together and the more you open yourself up to him. But it's unlikely that this is the case. Don't read into him saying he's "not relationship material" or that he "doesn't have time" for a relationship as wishy-washy indicators that he might. Unfortunately, he doesn't.

The fact that he told you this near the beginning rather than hiding it and stringing you along shows his character, which probably makes this all the more difficult for you. It sounds like you're already pretty emotionally invested in him, so please be careful. The worst thing you can do here is to think that you're going to be able to change his mind.

I gotta say that I've been there before...I used to be "that guy" who didn't want a relationship but still loved certain aspects of a relationship.

I wish I could adequately explain why, but looking back I guess I was just immature...that whole "cake & eat it" thing.

This guy likes you...I don't think anybody will really argue that point. I mean, I can't imagine opening myself up too much at all to any of the one-night stands I had back in my 20's, but every once in awhile there was someone I wanted to be with more than just once that I ended up talking to more than others.

Here's the thing: if he's a bit younger and has already been "snipped", then he's really REALLY not looking for anything more at this point. So I guess if you're willing to be "that woman", then I'd say continue to do whatever makes you happy.

Something else may happen or it may not...just don't hold out hope that it will. Enjoy things for what they are and then let the universe guide you.

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


1. Someone bit the apple!!!
















2> bwhahahaahahha











3. Ha!
















4. I wonder if non-chinks can go in there?












5. I dunno if I am buying into all that!












I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...




6. That is funny right there I don't care who you are!















7. Ummmm yeah.


















8. Accccckkkkkk












"I Love You" In 10 Languages



English


I Love You

Spanish


Te Amo

French


Je T'aime

German


Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese


Ai Shite Imasu

Italian


Ti Amo

Chinese


Wo Ai Ni

Swedish


Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian


As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia ,and North Idahodian


Nice Tits

Caption contest! Give it your best shot.

Captivated by Middle Aged Women

I’ve been getting whiplash lately, from turning my head too quickly when certain woman walk by. No, I’m not talking about hot French women, or the nubile creatures that make for an older men younger women relationship.

I’m talking about middle-aged women. And I’m captivated.

I know, I know, as a middle-aged single parent I should already be chasing women my age. And I do date women within ten years of me, plus or minus. (Ten isn’t so much when you’re an old man like me!) But truthfully, any gorgeous woman will turn a man’s head, no matter her age.

And for some reason, my head is turning in spades for middle-aged women.

It all started when I went to a seamstress’s house to pick up a dress she’d worked on for my teen daughter. The woman who answered the door was late-40s, dark hair with gray streaks, olive skin with wrinkles, and a smile that could warm anyone's heart.

She had a certain confidence about who she was. Like she’d lived a full life, and was totally comfortable in her skin.

The walls of her house were covered with photos of her kids, and it’s clear some of those kids had already graduated high school. Of course, I immediately looked for a ring on her finger, and photos of a man – any sign of a husband.

Alas (for me), she was married.

But I was struck by a spell. And I don’t just mean from this one woman. I mean every woman in her 40s (give or take)

I now check out middle-aged women when I hit the grocery store, in a coffee house, when I’m out running. I’m looking for that sexy confidence, that wisdom, that I’m vibrant and alive and I don’t care what you think about me sort of attitude.

I can’t wait for the next high school sporting event, and not just to cheer on my daughter. I’ll be checking the stands over and over again for the ring-less middle-aged woman who makes me melt.

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