Friday, September 25, 2009

Huggy Bear's House of Coffee

I'm not sure if this article I found is a finger-wagging account of a shameful Washington coffee house, or a national advertisement to build a rival to Starbucks overnight:

5 bikini baristas accused of prostitution

My favorite quote also takes you right to the core of the story:

During a two-month investigation, detectives also saw the women lick whipped cream off each other and pose naked for pictures at the Grab-n-Go Espresso stand.

I have to wonder who made them cut off the "investigation" after only two months. You better believe that guy got his locker filled with shaving cream (or, perhaps more appropriately, latte foam) and maybe even a couple of dog (if he was lucky) shits put on his engine block or something.

I'm just spitballin' here-- maybe under the circumstances, Washington police were driven to even greater heights of creativity. Regardless, I don't think they could possibly be more creative than the ladies of the coffee stand themselves:

The women also charged customers to play "basketball," a game in which customers threw wadded up money at the women, who caught the money in their underwear, detectives said.

What could I ever do to make people just throw money at me like that, whether balled up or not?? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this capitalism game.

One thing* I do know, though, is that these kinds of investigations must be made part of the compensation package for veteran officers, if they aren't already.

Just picture our precious younger officers dodging bullets behind the burning shells of their cruisers right now, keeping the tourniquet tight above their gunshot wounds, telling themselves they can't bleed out in the street because they've only got 10 more years till they get to work the "Handjob Hardees" detail.**

I think I finally understand what it was like for John Lennon writing Imagine, being the only one seeing a better world and wondering why we can't all see our way to get there. Someday, maybe, someday, our hardest-working public servants will get their chance to taste the sweet fruits of their labors in the form of whipped cream pasties.

* Another thing is that the guys working the "fat trannies" embezzlement case at the local White Castle really know now where they stand in the department hierarchy.

** They can just take out any frustration on their friends and loved ones in the meantime as needed.

Posted by LiteralDan


Tuesday Taylor said...

Sounds like nothing more than the Hooters of Coffee Houses. Or perhaps the infamous 'Twin Peaks' restaurant here in Dallas, cuz it's "twice as nice"

Ron said...

Should've called it "Grope-n-Go Coffee."

And that basketball game, that would've been something if they had 64-team bracket.

OneZenMom said...

LOL! Great post.

But, to echo the Scandalous Housewife - How, exactly is this different than Hooters?

TentCamper said...

This storry kills me...but the least they could do is have those barristas relocate to Santa Monica to start fresh...

But seriously...why the f would a guy pay $20 for a coffee and a pic of a teenager in an bikini and some whipped cream? go get a whore and call it a day...or go the f home and tell the wife to put on a bikini.

LiteralDan said...

Ahhhh, Fridays... cozy, isn't it? Plenty of room in here!

But anyway, I believe that at Hooters, the wings are the only thing you're supposed to be pinching and/or licking.

CK Lunchbox, while the first round would be chaos, it would definitely be a pretty memorable Final Four.

And TentCamper, you have a fair point, but I think this way they don't feel guilty, because they can just say, "I stopped and got some coffee after work" with a straight face. To mix it up, they can sometimes say, "I was out playing some basketball with the guys."

Trooper Thorn said...

The blatant sexual double standard prevented me from being able to write about this news piece. Imagine how unsuccesful such a cafe would be if it was shirtless skinny guys behaving like this?

Good work for sticking with the story Literal Dan.

BigLittleWolf said...

Shirtless beefcake (hot single dads) would be JUST fine, and very successful, on my particular planet. I'd switch my tall latte to a very slooooow sipping of espresso, and be sure to pay attention to proper tips.

Couldn't the hot dads start a ground swell movement, a little quake, a rugged rumble... SOMETHING? Just to bring a little morning fun to caffeinated hot mamas?

Keith Wilcox said...

Well, the basketball certainly sounds creative. I gotta say, these investigators sure seem to have a cush job!

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