Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk?'

Bwahahahhahahhahahahaa

1. That right there is a fine couch!

2. Heheheehhehehe






A Hooker in Las Vegas


A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting
On the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"


No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

Ouch!


3. I'm sure some of y'all who work in offices need this button to wear.

4. Haa Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Click to big!


5. LOL excellent advertising campaign!


6. Yup you!

A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

LOL! Caption contest give it your best shot!



Well give the caption contest a try!
Go see what the Real World and Hotdads has going on!


Hit that for more Funnies and Slides, NSFW though.

That F'er Is Gonna Die!!!

I am not a violent kind of guy (well, except if you drive too slow on the highway, hold up the line at the grocery store, wear clothes that are obviously NOT YOUR SIZE…well you know what I mean) I am just not the violent type.

I love nature and all that comes with it (for the most part.) The line, for me, is usually drawn at bugs that ATTACK me…and by attack, I mean fly near my face or land on me. I take that as an act of aggression. Anyway… Living with ManicMariah, who loves all living things, I have learned to extend nature’s creatures an added luxury, the luxury of living if she can scoop them up and remove them from my “personal space.”

Now, on to the main topic. I am a guy who will actually admit that he enjoys hearing animals in nature, coyotes in the distance, ocean waves crashing, crickets chirping, birds singing, etc. …until recently, that is. Being here in Southern California, we usually leave our windows open, day and night, letting the cool ocean breeze flow through the house.

A while back, Manic Mariah and I would sit out in our front yard watching mom and dad Mockingbird, fighting off a gnarly band of crows in an attempt to protect their new family nesting in a tree in the yard. We’d sit there and cheer for the Mockingbirds. (we hate the crows.) That went on for a few weeks and the Mockingbirds did quite well in fending off the evil crows. We were then very happy to have this family of rough and tumble creatures taking up residence on our property.

These days…there is only one Mockingbird around…don’t know what happened to the others…but …well….let me explain. At 11PM EVERY night, this bird proceeds to (I will not call it sing) DESTROY the night with a barrage of about 8 different bird calls (chirping, tweeting and whistling) at the top of it’s lungs. Normally I would not mind, but this banter goes on from 11PM until sunrise…and never during the day. This intrusive noise is so bad that even from its roost in the front yard, I can hear it over the volume of the TV at the back of the house.

I and our teen have been driven completely mad with this F’ing irritating creature. I comment to Manic Mariah on a regular basis about it and she responds with, “Let the poor thing be. He is probably lost or something.” I’ve been holding off on any military action and did so as long as I could. The other night it just got under my skin to a point where I just could not take it any longer. I ran into Cody’s room, found his sling shot and proceeded to the front door. As I set foot on the front walk, the bird went silent. This stupid, shit-ass bird was some sort of mind reader and knew that there was only one reason for me to be in the front yard at midnight, dressed in fatigues and holding a slingshot and a handful of rocks.

I actually sat my old, tired ass in a bush (one with a clear view of the tree that was hosting the little F’er.) Sitting in a bush at midnight after having a few beers was not the ideal situation for me. I sat there for about 15 minutes. It was like I was a sniper in a war and I would lie in wait longer than my target….”do or die little birdie!!!!”

Finally, it started up again. At first I could not tell the exact location of the pesky thing and did not want to spray rocks all other the neighbor’s house – might be hard to explain to the police…alcohol, fatigues, sling shot, middle of night…you get the picture. Then I saw…branches slightly move. I honed my eyes on that very spot and continued to wait. (legs cramping, I had to burp, hard to focus eyes, etc) then there was movement again. Stealthily slipping a rock into the leather of my weapon and slowly extending the projectile…I gave one last check of my aim and let the rock fly. Listening intently, I heard the rock whiz through the tree hitting a few branches…and then the roof of the neighbor’s house. Shit, I hope I don’t have to wait another 15 minutes for this thing to move again. I didn’t…a second later it moved again….and started singing. I think it was singing…”you suck…you have no aim…you old fat fart!”

I reloaded and with every bit of precision that I could muster, sent another rock into the tree, this time hitting something that did not sound like tree…it was a bit more hollow. I remained in my sniper position to see if there would be any further enemy movement. I waited about 2 or three minutes…there was nothing. My eyes widened, huge grin on my face….I stood up. In my head telling myself, “I knew I should have been a sniper.” It was too dark for me to search the area for splattered bird at that point so I jumped out of the bush and ran inside, dropping my weapon and ammo on the ground as I entered. I raced upstairs and banged on teen’s door (I knew she was up by the reflection of the TV under her door.) As she turned her head to me, I blurted out, “I killed that freaking Mockingbird." She smiled and gave me a high five. I then went into my room, slipped out of my fatigues and curled up with Manic Mariah with a sense of complete accomplishment…and slept very well that night.

The next morning I rushed outside to marvel at my fallen enemy…but could not find any trace of him. Maybe the crows and a raccoon made off with him… there was nothing but I still did not hear any sign of that bastard. I was satisfied.

Frazzled Single Dad

As a single parent blogger, I try my best to tell entertaining stories about my single dad dating life and also about raising teens. But lately I’ve been feeling like a frazzled single parent, and it's been a challenge to stay focused on positive blog posts (I don't like venting online. But I might vent a little right now. Doh!)

I’d like nothing more than to have a partner* pick up the slack for me right now. (* preferably a latina who enjoys spooning, but I wouldn’t say no to a hot French woman who likes a stiff mai tai. Doh!)

I actually thought I was staying on top of things. But when I drove my son to lacrosse practice, I realized I was losing a grip on my week.

My son played a lacrosse game this past Saturday, and his team only scored one goal.
“Are you guys working on drills where you cut into the crease to quick-stick some shots?” I asked. “Your team really needs to start scoring.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “We scored six goals in Sunday’s game.”

They had a game on Sunday? Doh! Frazzled single dad points scored!

“By the way, some lady called you for an interview,” my son said.
“She did?” I asked.
“Yeah. It was supposed to happen on Monday.”

Doh! Frazzled single dad points scored again.

After dropping him at lacrosse practice, I had an hour to fix dinner before I needed to pick him up again. But I came home to a house with both toilets backed up. Seriously backed up. Like, I needed to call a plumber to snake the line.

Frazzled single dad, redux!

But wait, there was a bigger problem. My daughter had a soccer playoff game after dinner that I wanted to see. I was supposed to pick my son up from lacrosse practice, get him home to eat, start him on his homework (he was skipping her game), go see my daughter’s game, and get back home before anyone’s bedtime.

Frazzled! Frazzled! Frazzled! Can’t someone else pick him up and take care of him?

At that point, I actually thought it was a sign from the universe. You see, I have a hard deadline Friday that I’m working overtime to meet. If I skipped my daughter’s playoff game, I could work toward the deadline while the plumber fixed the toilets, and my son got his homework done. My frazzled state would be pacified, in spades. (Of course there are more fun ways to get unfrazzled. Drinking and sex, anyone? Doh!)

But soccer playoff games like this come once in a high school lifetime. No way would I miss my daughter and her teammates in a match like that.

And so this single dad gave a middle finger to his frazzled life – I went to the game, I sent my kids to their mom’s house to sleep, and I told the plumber to come at 11pm.

I’m home alone now, shaking up my favorite margarita recipe, writing this post, feeling quite unfrazzled.

But man, I have to pee. Where’s that damn plumber, already?!

btw – my daughter's team lost late in the game when the ref called a dubious foul in the box. It looked like the girl took a dive, and it definitely wasn't in the box. The sideline ref said he didn't see a foul. But the center ref, who was 30 yards from the play, called it and awarded the other team a penalty kick - i.e. one on one vs. the goalie, and almost impossible to stop. In short, the center ref gifted the game to the other team. Season over. Frazzled times!

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Parents Are F-ing Up Their Kids

When I think back to my childhood and what TV shows I watched. I find it funny how different things are today…with the ratings, parental controls and people lobbying against shit that really would not make a difference if kids had better parenting.

Overall…I think it is all about the parenting…not what kids see or watch on TV.

When I was a kid, I watched:
Cartoons including; Underdog, The Shmoos, Scooby Doo, The Flinstones, Bugs Bunny Road Runner Hour and Sylvester and Tweety
As well as; the A-Team, Land of the Lost, Eight is Enough, Hawaii Five-O, Hardcastle and McCormick, Beretta, CHIPS, Dukes of Hazard, Planet of the Apes, Starsky and Hutch, etc.

These days…I don’t know that parents (in general) would allow young kids to watch those shows….well, with the exception of Eight is Enough and a few of the cartoons. I saw something years ago that named the Bugs Bunny Road Runner Hour and Sylvester and Tweety two of the most violent shows on TV. WTF?!

I guess I just don’t know why parents are not taking responsibility for their kids…and are just throwing the blame for their fucked up kids on TV and the entertainment industry. My feeling is that a kid (for the most part) can watch whatever …as long as the parents do their job teaching the child right and wrong, respect, and that they can talk with them about anything…the kid will be fine.

We don’t (again…for the most part) sensor anything that the kids watch and if they are watching something that is disturbing to them or that they don’t understand…we are there to openly discuss it with them.

I think that it is the kids that can’t (for whatever reason) talk to their parents and are left home in front of a TV with nobody teaching them about life…or the kids who's parents are so over protective that they can't do shit without mommy hovering and making all of the decisions...those are the ones who end up with the big problems.

PARENTS!!!!!! Schools don’t teach kids respect, honor, right and wrong and morals. They don’t reinforce the ‘family first’ mentality that I think all people should be taught. They don’t teach about peer pressure, gangs, the laws, how to communicate with parents.
THAT IS YOUR JOB!!!!

Stop blaming everyone else for your inability to spend quality time with your kids, communicate with them and teach them what they need to know to have a good life.

I propose we put a ban on sheltering children and fine parents who blame others for their kids fucking up or being complete sissies!

Dads in the Limelight

There is great dad stuff going on around the web and if you don't believe me, please go check out Dad of Divas. A couple weeks ago I did an interview with Dad of Divas and this morning I was featured in his Dads in the Limelight series. Check it out here: Dads in the Limelight. I'm honored to be featured and I ask you to not only check out this article, but to go back each week and check out the other rad dads...

Hot Mamma Happy Birthday, Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

Ok first thing go tell two Hot Mammas - Happyyyyyy Birthdayyyyyyy, they are older than the hills and might not remember but if you write it in her comment box she can go back and read it again and again! Hit it HERE and HERE!!!!!!!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

hehehehhehe

1. Loving those leggings right there!




2. That should be plenty stable!


3. I'm for that!



3. I think I'll just sit and talk no eating for me.



An old country preacher
had a teenage son, and it was getting
time
the
boy should give some thought to

choosing a profession. Like many
young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself.
'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
dollar,
he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up
the
bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'

4. Yeah guy drowning!


5. LOL

6. hahahahahaha true!


Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual..'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'



I am so glad I own a weedeater.


Caption contest!! Maybe someone can come up with something for this pic.



Ok well try the contest, go tell both of the Hot Mamma Happy Birthday! Steal whatcha wanna! Y'all have a big ole day!

I Have Discovered Joy

The pure joy in which a new baby brings to a family is truly magnificent. That joy is easily buried amongst the multitude of stressors which take place during the few days surrounding the birth. Stress bears down on us reaching near a breaking point, emotionally and physically impacting. But once the weight of the birth has passed, the physical agony has begun to subside, the emotional impact of seeing your loved one in pain, and the stress of worry and lack of sleep is behind you, only now has the joy begun to seep through the cracks and emerge. “Pain now, is a part of the happiness. That is the deal.” CS Lewis. A new child is amongst us, will share her life with us, is a part of us, who will be with us for eternity in this life and the next. it is truly an amazing thing. Our family has grown, bringing untold and limitless experiences for us to live through together.



Sitting here, watching my new girl sleep beside me invokes feelings that until now, were mostly foreign. In part, it is the excitement and anticipation for what will become of her. For the life she has yet experienced which we will bear witness to. In part it is fear, a fear so intense, so raw and unrelenting that my mind has reached beyond my body in search of an escape, in search of answers, in search of a dampener to all those fears and anxieties. I want to scream out in search of knowledge, for knowledge of what to do, of how to cope, of how to overcome those fears and anxieties, for how to deal with my day to day circumstances of raising her and her brother. I want to reach out into the depths unseen by me into somewhere beyond, somewhere in sometime I have yet to experience and grab onto that knowledge, to string it in and absorb all there is I need to know to become the father and husband I need to be, I must be, I will be, I have promised Lilly and my kids I will be. I want to be those things now so I can enhance the lives surrounding and relying upon me. To be there for them, to comfort them in times of pain, to have the knowledge to share with them when they need answers, to know my own shortcomings so that when I make the inevitable mistakes that parents make I will be able to overcome them and comfort my family so they know I will make amends and learn and grow from them, together. I am bound by my duty as a husband and a father to seek out the knowledge necessary to be the parent we humans were sent here to be. To anticipate life’s struggles and learn how to overcome them, and become better, precisely because of them.

It is through our children that we come to realize these things. It is a direct result of having children that we realize these things and must learn to apply them to our lives. I know that now, sitting here right now, as I write this, that that is true. That they are here, for us, because of us, and for our gain and theirs and others around us.

The joy I feel, and hope to continually feel as they grow, is palpable. Parents, do all that is within your ability to be good to your kids. Actively pursue the knowledge available to us in this world to achieve that. It is your duty and responsibility as a parent to another soul. Any less is inexcusable and irresponsible. How does that saying go? Oh yes….’Be all you can be, in the ar‘……no wait, wrong scenario. Now I need to hurry up and post this before I get too embarrassed and decide not too.