How I became a single dad

It's been WAY too long since I posted anything here and I apologize for that...


Let me also say right up front that I am neither bitter nor resentful about how my life turned out and about my being a single dad. Just the opposite in fact. I think that I’m very lucky and that I was given a rare and great opportunity. I work hard every day to make the most of that opportunity.

The story of how I became a full-time single dad started in August of 1997 when my daughter, A.K.A. Drama Queen (D.Q.), was born. I call her mom O.C.B.

O.C.B. was not a good mother from the start. We were married for 10 years when both she and the relationship finally hit rock bottom. I tried to hold it together for another year, but it was over. She had little interest in being a mother and I will tell specific stories as time goes on; this is just an overview—a preface if you will.

O.C.B. was in the Navy when D.Q. was born and suffice it to say that could not wait to get off maternity leave and back on a ship. I found that a bit odd. The bottom line is that I raised D.Q. by myself for 8 of her first 12 months. O.C.B. got out of the Navy three weeks before D.Q. turned one and I thought that life was finally going to settle down and we were going to be a real family. That never happened.

I spent the next four years raising two girls. O.C.B. was never completely neglectful of her daughter, it just seemed like she generally had more important things to focus on. D.Q. was four the year we had our 10th anniversary. O.C.B. and I went to the mountains in Southern California to a house my parents owned. We were looking forward to two nights alone to relax.

I woke up the morning of our anniversary and went upstairs to cook breakfast. I was in the middle of whipping something up when I heard a blood curdling scream. I ran downstairs and found that O.C.B. had taken a knife and slashed up and down both arms—not across the wrists, but up and down, like a cry for help.

We packed up and I took her to the V.A. Hospital and checked her into the Inpatient Psych Ward. She was diagnosed as bi-polar and over the next six months she stopped and started her medicine and when she was off the meds she was not a nice person to be around. She started to be mean to D.Q. and the summer before D.Q. started kindergarten I finally had to tell O.C.B. it was over and that she had to move out.

She didn’t put up a fight when I requested custody. The judge gave her the standard “dad visitation”—one night a week and every other weekend. She rarely showed up to pick up D.Q. and I found out that on a couple of occasions she left D.Q. alone in an upstairs apartment for a half-hour at a time while she went out and bought Zima and Marlboros.

Armed with that new found knowledge we went back to court and the judge ordered monitored visitation three times a month for two hours a pop. Over the next six months D.Q. saw her mom only four or five times. After that it was almost five years before there was contact of any kind. No phone calls. No birthday cards. No Christmas presents. Absolute silence. Over that five-year period D.Q. never once asked to see her mom or even asked about her.

My story to D.Q. during the missed visits was always that mommy was sick and that her sickness caused her to make bad decisions. It wasn’t that her mom didn’t want to see her, the sickness made her not be able to see her. I decided from the moment we split up that I would never say anything bad to D.Q. about her mom, but the reality is that now at 12-years-old, she knows there is more to the story than I’m letting on.

The next year saw a handful of visits but not much. In December 2008 I was offered a job hosting a morning radio show at a new radio station in suburban Toronto. In January 2009, as we were packing the house up, D.Q. asked if she could call her mom to tell her we were moving. I said she could but I warned her that her mom changed phone numbers on a regular basis and that if this one was disconnected I had no way to get in touch with her.

She dialed the number and her mom answered and D.Q. eagerly told her that we were leaving warm, sunny Long Beach, CA for the winter reality of Toronto. Her mom said, “well, I guess I’m never going to hear from you again…” D.Q. just said, “yeah. I guess so,” and hung up on her mom. While I was proud of her for not giving in to her mom’s drama, I was also upset that she hung up on her mom and I made it a point to remind her that no matter what, that was her mom and she shouldn’t be rude to her.

The radio station never went on the air and in September 2009 we move back to the U.S., to Buffalo, NY. Fast forward to January 2010 when D.Q. got a friend request on Facebook from her mom! I think she’s a bit young for Facebook but I let her have it to keep in touch with friends from California and Canada. She has no photos, no birthday and no identifying info for people to search. When you put her name into a search, 140 people come up and 30 of them have no identifying information.

My guess is that her mom sent a friend request to all 30 of the people. When D.Q. showed me the friend request I have to admit that I was a bit flustered. Life is better with her mom out of the picture. I firmly believe that a parent (regardless of the sex) needs to be an active part of their child’s life and if they can’t do that, they are better to be out completely. This in and out stuff is pure crap and does way more harm to kids then it does good.

I asked D.Q. what she wanted to do and she said that if it was OK with me, she just wanted to ignore the request. I was so proud of her. I guess that she is now realizing that she is better off without her mom around.

If this sounds like a sad, depressing story you need to read it again. I’m happy with the life the two of us have together. It’s true that the rest of our family is across the country, but thanks to Skype, Apple and Verizon Wireless D.Q. keeps in regular contact with her grandma, uncle, aunt, nephew and her friends. She is making great friends here and The Phone Sex Operator is a great female role model in her life. The two of them even have plans to go out one of these days and buy the first bra. Apparently I have to stay home because it’s a girl thing…

I look forward to sharing a full time single dad’s perspective with you and anytime you need a good laugh I invite you to visit www.sexandthesingledad.com. I also welcome your messages (good or bad) here.

J.R.

Cooking With Kids – Who’s Schooling Whom?

I convinced my teen son to help me cook dinner the other night. (A little TV bribery was all it took.) Aside from the time they kabitzed on our worlds best hamburger recipe, cooking with kids in my house usually means me telling them what to do. I don't mind. There's a reason why I cook.

But this time I wanted to raise the stakes, and not only tell my son what to do, but why. I wanted my son to start thinking like a chef, to be comfortable altering recipes, to see what it’s like to put a meal together from scratch.

Little did I know, he and his sister would be schooling me.

“What can I do?” he asked.
We were making asparagus pasta, risotto style.
“Chop an onion,” I said.
“Onions make me cry,” he said. “You do that. What’s the next step?”

Okay then.

I figured he’s chopped plenty of onions in his day. He’s doesn't quite have the onion chopping prowess of Julia Child in Julie and Julia, but he’s certainly capable. I didn’t mind him passing on the onion task.

“Melt 3 tablespoons of butter in the frying pan,” I said.

He cut off a chunk from a stick of butter and dropped it in the pan. I finished chopping the onion, then brought the chopped onion over to dump in the pan. The butter had barely started melting.

“Can you break up that big chunk of butter so it will melt faster?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “I’m watching it dance around the pan.”

Anyone who remembers the movie American Beauty, and the video of the plastic bag blowing around, can certainly appreciate that my son was finding beauty and life in an inanimate object. But I had onions to sautee.

I dumped the onions in, even though his butter wasn’t melted. You can imagine how that went over.

I instructed my son on cooking the pasta, mixing in warm chicken broth, adding the asparagus, doing things at five minute intervals. He waved me off and took over. Fine. I went about making bruschetta: fresh tomatoes, garlic, salt, pepper, basil.

My daughter floated into the kitchen. “Don’t put in too much garlic,” she said.
“I won’t,” I said.
“But you always do.”
“I’m making this late. The flavors won’t have time to meld. It will be fine.”
She shook her head. “One clove, no more. And be sure to use fresh basil.” She’s half Italian, so she gets the real deal from her mom’s house.

“I don’t have fresh basil,” I said.
She heaved a sigh and shook her head. “Here, I’ll make it.”

Some cooking lesson I was giving.

With both of my kids preparing dishes, I figured I might as well shake myself a cocktail. My margarita recipe is to die for.

“Can I make your margarita?” my son asked.
“No, you’re too young,” I said.
“I already know how.”

Great. But I wouldn’t be swayed.

I started by rinsing the rim of the glass under running water, so I could dunk the rim in a container of margarita salt, and the salt would stick.

“That’s not how you do it,” my son said. “You’ll end up with salt inside the glass. You need to run a wet towel around the rim, instead.”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“I watched them make margaritas at the Mexican restauarant.”

We’d sat at the bar of the Mexican restaurant plenty of times, eating while watching soccer on TV, usually when the restaurant was fairly empty. (I once hit on a woman in front of my son at that Mexican restaurant bar. It wasn't easy.)

I followed my son’s instruction, and wouldn’t you know, the rim salted perfectly.

Okay, so maybe I had nothing to teach my kids in the kitchen this particular night. Next time I’ll make something more complicated, like chicken and dumplings, and really show them the ropes.

Then again, the asparagus pasta and bruschetta came out pretty good. Maybe I should let my kids cook every night. We might start eating better.

Funnies and a Pimping.

First a couple funnies!

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

That is just silly right there.

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

hehehe

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

bwhahahahahahahaha
bwhahahahahaa

on with the pimp. Y'all should check it out, there might be a topic that appeals to you. It is also a good blog to hear what has worked for others and might actually help you improve your current relationship, and who couldn't stand that?

Shelle says......

Like any relationship things change.

So is the blog.

Well kind of.

When I began this blog my vision was for it to be an outlet for people to write about their relationships. I still want that, but people are shy about it. I've always stressed that it is okay to be anonymous, writing under a pseudonym, but it has morphed into being more about the core contributors and their relationships rather than a community of people sharing stories and giving advice, or just empathizing with each other.

My Core writers are still the base of what holds this blog together and will remain that way. Their honesty and beauty in which they write make the foundation of this blog. But we are still missing our community.

We want to involve you in our clique, where everyday is a gathering of minds and opinions, everyone welcome.

So every so often I am going to write a TOPICS post. This post will have a list of topics that I would love to have addressed with two different opinions.

This is where YOU the reader come into play. I want these topics covered by GUEST CONTRIBUTORS, that means YOU!!!

Hit it HERE to see the topics, we need MEN and Women!

Happy Momma Day, Slides, Caption Contest, Funnies

Well first we here at Hotdads know without Momma's we wouldn't be dads, but we'd still be hot I reckon so Happy Mothers Day to all you mothers out there.

1. Lay the wood Tiger!





When you are down in the dumps and think you have real problems, just remember:

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD,
THERE IS A POOR GUY NAMED MR. PELOSI!...

2. Lay the rope George!


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

3. LOL I think that is a plan!



5. Y'all can have my seat at the Pu Pu eatery!


7. LOL


Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (Sounds like me!)

8. If your neck is just too short, this is a plan!

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

9. I do the same thing around boobies there lil man!

10. Well if your man and your kids didn't give you anything then here ya go. Some flowers from us to you!!


Caption contest............... surely y'all can come up with something!


Well there ya go. Steal whatcha wanna y'all have a great mothers day. Hit up Sageville, oh and you can enter my GIVE-AWAY as many times as you like! Awesome stuff there too! CHeck that out.

Happy Mothers day all.

Phillies Support Parents

On Wednesday, I posted a piece suggesting that the advent of digital music formats was responsible for the decline in proper teenage etiquette. Many of you supported that view, but lamented over a possible solution and a means of effective disciple. Well, just in time for Mother's Day, Major League Baseball's Philadelphia Phillies have announced a new program to do exactly that.
Parents are invited to bring their unruly kids to the ball park every Home Game Friday for a little High Voltage Old School Punishment during "Taze Dayz".












The first event featured only teenagers, but as you can see from the following photo, even younger children can participate.














For more Mother's Day Fun, swing over to Dogs & Jeans for some Demotivational Posters.

CD's Are Wrecking Our Kids.

My teenagers are slobs. I suspect your teenagers are slobs too. I blame CD's for this.

Back when I was a kid, we listened to music (and George Carlin) on RECORDS. Record ownership required respect and rules. You took care of the record jacket by keeping them organized in milk crates. If you were very particular, you had individual plastic sleeves to protect the record jacket.

To listen to the record, you pulled the inner sleeve out (careful to not drop any inserts if it was a Pink Floyd album). You held the record gingerly only on it's edge and placed it carefully on the turntable. Prior to playing, you cleaned the record. Then, with the precision of a surgeon, you set the needle on the spinning vinyl.

That kind of diligence carries on in life to your first car, first house, first pacemaker etc.

Over the course of a dating realtionship, couples lend each other sentimantal records. Breaking up always involved retrieving one's albums. This was such an odious process that it was better to stay together that have to divide the collection.

Then along came CD's and they were marketed as virtually indestructible. No care was required to listen to them. Disks could lie around on your bedroom floor, covered in mayonnaise and cat hair, and still play in your DiscMan.

Why should a kid learn about the value of taking care of something when that thing was a Frisbee one minute and playing Foo Fighters the next?

Now music is nothing more than MP3 files on iPods. Not only do kids never touch the songs, most of the time they don't even pay for them. Thanks for contributing to the diminished respect for the law Napster and Limewire.

Today when a couple breaks up, they don't need to return anyone's records. They just delete the songs. And the memories.

A Give Away? Ya Don't Say

Don't miss out on this GIVE-AWAY! Free stuff! How much is it? FREE thats how much. F-R-E-E! And easy! Like me! I am giving away these items in Sageville, hit that link to enter!!!!

*****OK I had to change the links because of an IP conflict so the links will take you to Sageville but go there and hit it up, easy, free, like me!

Ok so here is the straight skinny.

This fella Sean hit me up and said "Sage, the girls in the office have been telling me how damn beautiful you are, and while it is lost completely on me they made me contact you and see if you would give some stuff away for us."

Then I said "Talk to me"

He said " Man they want me to call you Sexy Wonderful Smart Sage but that just isn't right, so anyway we have these stores, like 250 of them and we would like you to give one of your wonderful awesome readers $75.00 gift certificate, or we would like for you to review something for our site."

I said" Whoa up there big Stroker. My folks are high falutin folks. We don't do anything for less that a $100.00 ever."

He said "well after the girls made me check out your blog I was clicking links on the side and man those ARE the hottest chicks I have ever seen! So ok they are surely worth $10000.00 but I am only authorized to do $75.00"

I Said "See ya"

He said : Wait wait wait waitttttttttttttttttttttttt "

So after a while he got the Council of leaders and rich folks together and they met and 11 hours later we had a deal for $100.00 gift certificate for me to give YOU!

FOR FREE

For real that is how I remember it. Along with the chicks in the office sending all these mails and such but we won't get into that! And since I never give up an anon contributor I will not tell you which one on the Boob-Quake girls is an office girl.......

Heres the deal.

They have all those stores with some good stuff. So you hit the link HERE then all you do is find something you would use the $100.00 to buy and you come back and tell me in the comments what it is. That gets you entered.

You tweet this post, come tell me, in a different comment that you tweeted, another entry.

You FB this post, you come back and tell me in a different comment that you did that, another entry.

Link this post in YOUR post on your blog(s) and come tell me and leave the link and another entry!

All those comments count as an entry. BUT the first comment has to be what you'd buy. And you can use the "what you'd buy" method 100 times if you want, each will count as long as the item is different.

YOU CAN ENTER AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. You simply comment as often as you'd like with a different item you would buy!!! So come on and lets do this!

Samples of items you can buy.

Got a baby? CSN can Hook a Momma UP!


Got a grill? CSN can hook a griller up! (they sell the whole grill too!)


Some of y'all vegitablarians would like this fan! Where you gonna get a fan like that? CSN that is where!


That is a mirror. What kind? A damn fancy one thats what! Where you get it? CSN


Ahem. Coffee whore amongst us? Or some of that sissified coffee with cool whoop and jelly beans and cow tongue or whatever they put in it now drinker out there? You know where CSN!




Dont fret it any if the item is more then use the $100.00 against the item and pay the difference. If it has shipping you pay that. There are MANY items that ship free for under $100.00 so it will be all the way free! What beats free. Nottadamnthing! thats what!

Hey they have man stuff too. Get your dood to enter too.

HERE is the link to all their categories! You can choose from ANY category! Come on people don't let me down! My man Sean said we would do it again and again if y'all hit it, so come onnnnnnnnnnn now!

This one is easy folks I promise you you can get good stuff for no money out of your pocket. Hell I was getting those pics and they have every frickin thing! Check it out. Pitch till you win!

They offered some stuff for me just to review, but I didn't take it I chose to let y'all have a shot at it so shoot! The give-away will go on a couple weeks, so don't be shy!

Always read the fine print too.
*** Naughty pics will NOT help you win this prize***
but it won't HURT you any either!

There ya go. Y'all hit that. Cool stuff for real. I posted in the Real World today about vacations, hit that!

Big FREE Sexy is out.