Raising Girls is Easy

I grew up in a house full of boys, so when my daughter was born, I had no idea what it would be like raising a girl. Let me say for the record - it's been easy. Far easier than raising a son.

Boys are a terror. I know this from the grief my brothers and I gave to my dear mom. We broke things like crazy. Windows. Toys. Each other. (No broken bones, but plenty of stitches.) We ran around the house like wild animals, yelling and screaming. We wrestled until there were tears. We aimed slingshots and bee-bee guns at each other, sometimes even firing. (Like a Jon and Kate divorce proceeding. Ha!)

Where was brother protective services when we needed it?

While my son isn't quite that out of control, he is a handful. He amuses himself by building things that are way too dangerous for public use, then inviting his friends to use them. Like the time he hung a wooden platform from a tree branch, piled it with patio furniture, then had everyone get on - only to see it collapse. (No one was seriously injured in the writing of this blog post.)

He also loves starting fires, which I admit comes in handy when we're cooking homemade hamburgers, or fixing our Jamaican grilled chicken marinade recipe. But fire isn't such a great idea when he's supposed to be in his room doing homework, but is actually lighting matches and melting candle wax all over his desk. WTF!

Men and fire.

My daughter has been a piece of cake. She does her homework, keeps a tidy room, never talks back. Oh sure, she could help more often around the house. But she's so sweet, and so good at keeping her nose clean, I kind of don't care. She's seventeen, and far from a loose girl - she's more focused on getting into college than getting pregnant. So there are no early-grandpa fears for me! (Watch, she has a drawer full of sex toys I don't know about. Ha.)

It's not just home life, though. Sports teams have been way easier with her. Granted, girls can be catty at times, but they'd rather get along than not. Plus, the coaches early on were usually moms, as opposed to manic Little League dads. As a result, my daughter's teams had way better parental camaraderie (i.e. parties!) I love watching my daughter do her sports.

So, next time someone tells me what a headache their daughter has been, I will knock on wood and say a little thank you that my daughter has been so easy.

Unless, of course, my son already lit that particular piece of wood on fire. Or hung it from a tree.

Doh!

Vay Kay Shun

It's really happening. After talking about it and planning it for what seems like several years (even though it's only been 9 months or so), the Geek Boy family is taking our first vacation. I've been trying not to be all Clark Griswold about it, but I have gone out and bought a vacation guide so we'll know how to best navigate the island of Maui with the kids in tow. Oh yeah, did I mention we're going to Hawaii?

Thankfully, Southern California is only a 5 hour plane ride from the magical islands of one of our best states. WonderWife™ and I are east coasters, so we've done the 5 hour plane ride before. (Okay, I'll admit that I personally have not done it with two kids, that honor goes to WW™ who did it by herself--twice.) But once we're on vacation, what then? Are the kids going to go crazy with the general lethargy and lack of structure that comes with a vacation? Or somehow will they get into the spirit and kick back with us? Only time will tell.

So all of you awesome Hot Dads readers, I open up the comment section for you to discuss your family vacation strategies, stories and tips. I've got to go finish packing. Now where did I leave my sunscreen and Speedos? *


*Kidding of course. I never use sunscreen.

The Man Rules

I seem to recall someone [maybe even me?] posting something like this before, but I'll be damned if I can find it, so here we go.

Besides, it's been so long since I've contributed anything besides lame answers to the Ask the Hot Dads column, I'm desperate.

THE MAN RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.

WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES "
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS, IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES OR NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY , WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
AND IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1.. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS...

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT I T IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION THAT YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO=2 0SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .

A1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, HOCKEY OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH.

Memorial Day Long Weekend

So, over the past week I have had the luxury of spending some quality time with all of the kids and just about every one of them has amazed me…in one way or the other.

On a drive home I was asked, “oh, is that your news building?” as we passed the FOX building. I replied, “Yes, I think it is.” Then “Oh, yep…it is…I can see the satellites on the roof” billowed from the back seat. Immediately following that came, “Who invented the Internet?” I responded with “I think it was a group of guys…” Not allowing me to even finish the statement I was hit over the head with, “yeah…the old TVs you had to touch…the new ones you use a remote.”
Being that I could not piece together the thought process behind this string on random statements that came out as a conversation…I just sat there and nodded (with a confused look on my face.)

Next…at a Caribbean restaurant, while we were waiting for our food, I was asked….”Are you getting the corn on the cock?” I quickly replied, “Corn on the COB? Yes. I did order corn on the cob. (I could barely hold in the laughter.)

I was also told, in the not so distant past, that with our new FiOS TV service, that we can ‘INCESTaneously’ get movies for free. (I believe that she was trying to say instantaneously.)

Well….the list goes on and on…I’m sure you get why I question the Santa Monica school system.

Ask Hot Dads

With the questions now starting to flow in...here are Hot Dads' answers to what you all have been asking. Remember...our wisdom is infinate, intense and coveted by schollars throughout the world...so take it slow and easy.

Keep the questions coming in...OR - try to stump us. Ask questions that you think we can't answer.

ChocDrop asked: What are your favorite things to do with your kids?

TentCamper says: roughhouse, front yard sports, homework, go to the beach. Also, with my kids I like to sit back and just watch them. I am either completely amazed with them or am shell-shocked at some of the insane things that they do and say.

DadsWhoMockTheWorld says: Garden, rough house, matchbox/hot wheels, tea parties (for the daughter)

DaddyGeekBoy says: I love taking them to amusement parks. I love taking my son to movies and can’t wait till my daughter is old enough to join us. The park is always a fun adventure. And I love eating our way through a good farmer’s market.

DadsHouse says: Eat dinner. We do it nightly, the half-time they are in my house.

Hubman says: Damn near anything, but I especially enjoy one-on-one time with my son, what he calls "man time". It can be as simple as he and going for a little bike ride or as big as a long weekend road trip, just he and I, to my mothers. My daughter is still a bit young (3), but any time that she spends with me instead of clinging to mom is cool. We've taken to laying in the hammock in the yard together after dinner and chatting about whatever comes from her pea-sized little brain.

Southern Sage says: Watch them learn, you know when you are teaching them and see the light bulb come on in their head. I love that and I love when they succeed at anything that they have had to prepare for, like sports if they really practice hard for it then succeed at it that’s excellent.

LiteralDan says: My two favorite things would probably be reading books and playing soccer at the park, closely followed by "watching movies" with them, which involves them sitting next to me on the couch hypnotized while I nod off happily. Does that make me a bad person?


ChocDrop asked: When you have some 'alone' time, what is the one thing you do to help you reach the big 'O'?

TentCamper says: I don’t really need much help in that department…my Mariah does all that I could ever need. We sometimes watch porn but our collection has been collecting dust lately.

DadsWhoMockTheWorld says: Porn

DaddyGeekBoy says: I find touching my penis with my hand is quite effective.

DadsHouse says: Go on a date!

Hubman says: First a nice wholesome kid question, then this? I'm a very visual person, so it usually involves porn of some sort. That, or think about my wife ;-)

Southern Sage says: Watch/read porn!


Shelle asked: We have a play group, where a bunch of us Mom's get together at a park or splash pad or eating establishment with a Play Place and talk while the kids play. Anyway... there is this Stay-at-Home-Dad in our neighborhood, who has kids my kids' age and I was wondering how awkward it would be for him if I asked him to join us??? Would he want to be asked? I know his kids would love it... but what do you guys think? I know most guys don't really care about feeling included or whatever... but maybe it would be a nice break for him in the day like it is for the rest of us???And then, if you think that I should invite him... uh... any tips on how to approach him about it? I'm not gonna lie I would be a tad bit nervous! :)

TentCamper says: I say invite him. I am one of those dads who ends up doing a lot of stuff with moms and although I sometimes feel a bit out of place or uninterested in where conversations go…I think I’d feel left out if I were not invited. I would say to just tell him that a group of you have regular play dates and that you’d love for them to join you when it fit their schedule. That way it would be up to him and he could go here and there. In my case…As a guy…I love being surrounded by women.

That being said…I hope you are considering this out of kindness and not that you think he is hot and want to have a little extra time around him. Yes…I know how women think. Behave yourself!

DaddyGeekBoy says: So let me get this straight…you’re worried about asking a SAHD to hang out with a bunch of hot moms so that his kids can play with their peers and he can have a few kid-free minutes to hang with adults? I don’t think you have any reason to be nervous about asking him. Worst thing he can do is say “no thanks.”

DadsHouse says: Yes, he would want to be asked!!!!! I'm a work-from-home single dad, and most neighborhood moms won't come near me with a ten foot pole. It's lonely! Just a cup of coffee would be nice, while the kids play. (My kids are older now, but when they were younger - playdates would have been nice.)

Just ask him - the kids would love to get together. Would he be into a playdate at the park?

Hubman says: Just ask him. Tell him there is a group of stay-at-home parents that gets together with the kids occasionally and ask if he like to join. If he asks in there are any others dads, be honest and tell him no. Otherwise, he figure it out and be happy to be around a bunch of young (maybe even good lookin') moms.

Southern Sage says: LOL! Well I would. What would be better than having 3-4-5-6 chicks and me. The odds are leaving my way so that would be cool but he would prolly only do that a time or two and get bored with it.

Well that might be the case, why not just let him drop his kids off then go have some alone time! Or go see his girl friend? He'd be more apt to be in for that.

Why nervous, just say hey us stay homers meet up every now and then and bring the kids to play together and talk and such. Wanna come?

LiteralDan says: I don't think it would be especially awkward at all, and I urge you to do it. With him being in the minority of the group, he's probably not going to put himself out there inviting himself over, so it's up to the rest of your to make him feel as welcome as all the other parents. The worst he can do is say no, and even if he does, I'd still ask at least a few more times in the future.

I, of all people, can understand about feeling nervous in that kind of social situation, but I say just approach it the same way you would any mom. Especially since you have a whole group, this should be a no-brainer. There's no way for him to misconstrue your invitation, and the public setting (as well as the short attention spans and unpredictable needs of children) offers him several easy outs if he shows up and comes to regret it.

Good luck!


Mariah asked: What would you do if your daughter was involved with someone who had “baggage” would you let her sort it out or would you point out the obvious signs?

TentCamper says: I think it would be important to discus with her past experiences that you’ve had…in similar circumstances, without pointing fingers at her boyfriend’s ‘baggage.” Then again, if his baggage is affecting her in a negative way, then I’d suggest kicking his ass stepping in. I do think, in general, that when kids get to be teens, they need to learn how to figure this shit out on their own…otherwise in college and as adults…they’ll be fucked!

DaddyGeekBoy says: When my younger sister was in the midst of her teenage dating fiasco years, I would constantly point out to her all of the things, obvious to me, that her boyfriends were doing and exactly where the situation was going to go wrong. Every single time she ignored my advice, only to come to me after the fact and say, “You were right.” I think you can point out the signs all of you want, but the chances are very good that your daughter isn’t going to listen. I think sometimes you have to let kids learn some lessons on their own. As long as she’s not getting mistreated, I’d just monitor the situation.

DadsHouse says: I'd put a contract out on the guy. (Just kidding! Watch me get arrested.)(This is tentcamper's answer, btw. NOT dadshouse.)I had a cousin involved with a sketchy guy. My dad tried talking to her about it. She didn't want to hear it. She was in her 20s. Teens, I think all you can do is ask questions about what your daughter wants for herself, and is she getting that in the relationship. i.e. let her figure out that the guy is sketchy and she should leave him. Don't tell her directly, or she'll just get mad.

Hubman says: What sort of "baggage" are we talking about? My girl is only 3, so I'm in complete denial about this ever happening. Yeah, I'm no help at all with this one....

Southern Sage says: I would point out the obvious signs, as well as point out the long term consequences of that baggage.

LiteralDan says: Not having kids in this age group, I hereby provide you with a giant grain of salt to take this advice with, but I'd say the best you can do is point out your concerns once, and then let them worm their way into her thought process. The more you push, the more she'll push back, and she just might end up eloping out of spite.

Conversely, maybe you should even actively embrace him in a way that will make him totally unappealing to her. Then pick out some safe nerd to forbid her from ever speaking to in any way. You should be all set then.


Mariah asked: I always thought it would be hot to dress up in heels and cook dinner in a sexy outfit and then feed you (TentCamper) foods that bring out feelings. Not sexual, (It could be, and would probably end there) but primarily focusing on the emotions by using certain foods and scents. Is this a girl thing? Would any of you Hot Dads find this hot?

TentCamper says: In concept, I don’t think it is just a girl thing, but I don’t see myself being emotionally triggered by foods (unless you are talking about seafood, Tequila or grape punch…which you know will make me vomit.) BUT…please feel free to dress in some skimpy, revealing outfit and serve me anything you want…we’ll see how it goes.

DaddyGeekBoy says: Yeah, that’d be kind of hot. But if you’re going to spend a meal getting us all worked up, there has to be a payoff. Otherwise it’s just mean.

DadsHouse says: Heels and boyshorts an a lacey bra would be so hot, you could venture into all the feelings territory you wanted. No problem!

Hubman says: What sort of sexy outfit? I think a picture is necessary to fully appreciate this question ;-)Seriously, I think this is a girl thing. I wonder what the other Hot Dads will have to say. Though if Veronica wants to dress up and cater to me, I would happily play along!

Southern Sage says: I always get turned on when eating. If you were going to do that for me just fry something, anything, that turns me on! Other than that the only scent I can think of I like is vanilla. I don't think I equate any scent with any emotion.

LiteralDan says: Sure, why not?? Any one part of that scenario is a winner, so all of them together is definitely a great idea. Now, if HE tries to put on heels when he cooks for you in return, that could be a sign you might be headed for some rocky days in the relationship.

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

1. Surely thata kids mine!



A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.
She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.
On the first day of school she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class "Does anyone know what this is called?"
Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mommy has two of them!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked "Does anyone know what this is called?"This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them."

"That's the right name," said the teacher, but I don't think your daddy has two of them."
"Yes he does!" said Billy. "He has a little one he uses to pee, and a big one he uses to brush mommy's teeth."

2. Tent campers Halloween costume.



3. Ha! That is something I'd do!



4. hehehe Ok I'll sign up as a lickee!



Last week was my birthday, and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...

They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low, and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.

But we didn' t go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."


After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...




On the couch...



Naked.

Caption Contest!



Well there ya go. Give it your best shot!!! TC is killin y'all on the captions!

Have a groovy Sunday and great extended weekend!

I am a wood slut

Ok…so if you haven’t guessed yet…I have a slight problem. You see, we are a family that loves the outdoors and we tend to camp a lot and we also take advantage of the great weather here in Southern California and sit out by our fire pit several nights a week.

The problem is that I have gotten to that place where I refuse to buy that stupid freakin ‘balsa’ fire wood that the local grocery stores sell for $6.00 per bundle of 5 logs. I am also unwilling to spend $50 per load of wood from the local firewood yard.

My thing is that I drive around town and stop at lumber yards and construction sites, ask them for any of their scrap wood. It works perfectly for camping and our fire pit…and it is free. I can load up the back of the car and have a week’s worth of wood with only a little bit of cutting with my saw.

I’m sure that this does not sound so bad right now, but it has gotten bad…I could be compared to a drug addict, on a quest for my next fix. I have been known to slam on the breaks, with a car full of people, throw the car in reverse…just to check out a new construction site. Driving down the street, I crane my neck as I pass by lucrative site, to see if there is any junk wood. When I start getting low on wood, I make a point of dedicating a 2 hour window of my day to troll the streets for my pot of gold.

Given the above…Mariah and the kids have all begun calling me; “Wood Slut”, “Wood Whore”, “Scrap Addict”, “Scrap Junkie” and other derogatory names. At first I did not mind, but ….an I sick? Do I need help? Is there a 12-step support group for this?

Well…I gotta run. It is Friday and I need wood for the weekend!